by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 13, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Some people will promise you the world. They tell you that, if you just get their program or learn to be more positive, then you will be able to grow your business, be fulfilled, or what have you.
But they haven’t given you the whole picture. WHO you are on the inside is just as important as what you “know” and “believe.” That is what my work is all about.
While I don’t have a magic bullet (except for the blender) I do have something that has been working for millennia to help people live richer and more fulfilling lives. Awareness.
We have learned so much in our lives. And when we have not learned something, we use whatever information might be close to right to solve the problem at hand. When it comes to emotional issues we can forget what we have learned and when we learned it. Sometimes we can even completely lose sight of what we are feeling. Whether we are aware of it or not, though, these emotions — and sometimes the avoidance of them — play out in our daily lives.
Knowing what we are feeling and why we are feeling it are aspects of our emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is our ability to regulate, assess, and identify the emotions of our self and others. When we are unable to do this, we wind up with a whole host of problems. Most people have not learned to be emotionally intelligent. It is not taught in most schools, in most homes, or even in most coaching training programs. Without being aware of what we are feeling and why we are feeling it, we are doomed to failure. Even if our work is a success in terms of money, our lives will not be at all fulfilling.
So, what can you do about it?
You can take a moment to pay attention to what is going on below the surface. When faced with a difficult person or circumstance, ask yourself what you need that you are not getting and what this person needs that they might not be getting. Then look for solutions that might enrich both of your lives.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 10, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
1. Meditate, contemplate and observe: You can’t be happy if you don’t know what is stopping you from being happy. Take time each day to focus inward and figure out what is going on.
2. Do something for someone else: We are most fulfilled when we can meet the needs or wants of others — not just when we meet our own needs. Giving back can help us be more fulfilled.
3. Learn to love something even in what you hate: There is always some way to find something good in what is most challenging in your life. Take a moment to see what you can bring to the things with which you struggle.
4. Change your perspective and learn to see opportunity: Opportunity is everywhere. Take a moment to see potential.
5. Eat REALLY well: You can’t be happy with a broken or struggling system. Find a way to get good food in your life.
6. Don’t settle: You know what is best for you. Settling is not a good way to create a fulfilled life.
7. Love what you have: Otherwise known as being grateful. If you can’t love it, see number 6 or number 3.
8. Do what you love: It is the only thing you really need to do and is also what will make you the most fulfilled.
9. Love what you do: See number 6 and remember — if you are doing it, you might as well find a way to love it.
10. Be a really good person: There is nothing that creates fulfillment like integrity. Be the best person you know you can be.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 8, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Today I\’d like to share one of my favorite tools that helps me (and my clients) be more productive than I ever thought possible:
Ladies and Gentlemen:
SIRI + iPhone Reminders app!
(Note for Android users: you can try these instead: Astrid: http://astrid.com/
Remember The Milk: http://www.rememberthemilk.com/)
I know it sounds almost mundane and not as fancy as the \”usual suspects\” such as Calendar and Evernote. However, this is the biggest mental-space and time saver I found to date. It allows us to follow the essential principal of productivity: allocate the RIGHT amount of time and energy to every task.
Why does it work so well?
A) The task is now out of your mind and in a trusted system, that not only will store it for you, but will remind you to address it AT THE RIGHT TIME. Now it doesn\’t clog your brain with needless thoughts and worries and doesn\’t require any energy/mental space to remember it.
B) For me personally, writing stuff down creates some resistance. It\’s too much work! But when I only need to say \”Remind me…\” and assign a time, it\’s easy and doesn\’t interrupt the flow of whatever I am doing. This way, many more reminders go in, and subsequently more stuff GETS DONE.
Really, it\’s mind-boggling how much more productive thinking I can do since I stopped trying to remember every to-do.
I would like to challenge you to try it for a week, and tell me how it is working for you.
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Need to create better systems for your business? Marina Darlow of Vision Framework will help you put the structures in place to make you and your business the most effective.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 6, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
So what is meant by the term \”vision\”? It\’s simple. Whatever difference you want to make in the world — ending hunger and war, teaching parents how to raise children better, teaching partners how to love better, or however you want to make the world a better place — it is important to have a clear desired end result.
Your vision is your all-encompassing goal. You might never ultimately achieve this goal on your own — after all, ending world hunger is a pretty tall order — but your contribution will get the world closer to that goal.
Your first step is to create your Vision Statement. Most businesses use this step, as well, to help them formulate their business plan. It\’s a good way to help clarify your project.
Here is the first part of an exercise to help you write your Vision Statement:
Answer the following questions:
What I want to change about the world is:
One to three things I think the world needs are:
What I want to communicate to the world is:
How is your life and your business currently in line with your vision? What steps can you take today and this week that will bring you closer to living your purpose through this vision?
Does your visions include helping others? Dr. Kate\’s Master Transformational Coach Certification will give you a foundation from which you can reach those you most want to effect AND make money doing it.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 3, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Frequently, when people are unable to reach their goals, they start to look for flaws in themselves, others, or their project. They might think, \”What is wrong with me?\” Or, \”Why is it every time I try to move forward I have problems with this person or that person?\” Or, they think, \”Is this even the right idea? Maybe I have been wrong about the idea from the beginning.\”
Sometimes people can even miss everything that is going right because of the fact that they are looking at only part of the information — the negative part.
This results in a loss of drive, focus, enthusiasm, and happiness. Chances are, if you are losing steam, there are some habits causing this that could benefit from being remedied. For example:
Perfectionism: A perfectionist sometimes gives up before even starting. Their standards are so high that starting new tasks is difficult because there is no way to master something and begin it at the same time.
Shoulds: Some people have come to believe there are absolutes guiding their life. For example: a person believes he or she should be an accountant instead of an artist. Or that other people should have done something different. Or he or she should have known better.
Same Wrong Way: People often think their success depends on their ability to do it the way others have done it even if they are completely unlike the others they are comparing themselves to. So they compare themselves to others, looking for what is lacking. Eventually, if you look hard enough, you can find it.
The simple but profound practice of gratitude is helpful in taming all of these beasts. When we remember to be grateful for who we are, the people we have around us, and the things we have, problems like perfectionism melt away.
It is impossible to be grateful and negative at the same time. Remember to tell yourself and others what you are grateful for, what is working and what positive difference you believe it is making.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 1, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Do you know what the number-one reason is that people leave a job? It\’s not the pay. It\’s the relationships — or the lack of good ones — particularly with their superiors.
You might think that, with the changes in the economy, people might start thinking about the money first. However, this is not the case. This means it is more important than ever not just to pay your employees well, but to know how to make and keep them happy.
To do this, we need to know how to be good leaders of our businesses. How to communicate, delegate, problem-solve and bring out the brilliance of our team. Here are some important skills.
Communicate: Leaders need to know how to get difficult points across, listen effectively, and show appreciation.
Delegate: Leaders need to know how to give the people they are working with tasks and the power and tools needed to complete those tasks.
Problem Solve: Leaders need to be able to see the big picture and find solutions that are in everyone\’s best interest.
Brilliance: Leaders need to know how to give members of their team the license to express their creativity, make mistakes to try for a better outcome, and give them the respect they deserve.
Looking for a profession helping others? Find fulfillment in your work – Enroll in Dr. Kate\’s Master Transformational Coach Certification.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 29, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
1. Be kind and generous: In every moment of every day it is possible to change someone’s life. Sometimes, it is as simple as just being kind.
2. Be clear about what does and does not work for you: People cannot work with you if they do not know what you are all about. If you are always compromising yourself, you will not be as effective.
3. Be your full self: Holding back because you think that is what others want is not helpful to anyone. You would not be who you are if it was not needed.
4. Let others be their full selves: The same goes for anyone else. If you think others need to be different, you are wrong. Let people be who they really are. If you don’t like it, figure out how to work with it.
5. Say thank you: People love to be appreciated. Let them know when you are grateful.
6. Look for ways to give back: Don’t lose track of making a contribution. No matter where you find yourself in your life, you can give back in a way that helps others.
7. Tip well and tip often: If you have money — and some might argue that this is true even if you don’t have money — make sure to support the people who are making minimum wage. They are working hard.
8. Support the things you believe in: Purchase what you want to support. Spend your time doing what you want to support. Talk about the things you want to support. You get the picture?
9. Really listen: Most people are not listened to enough. Pay attention to them and let them know they are important.
10. Focus: Know what you want to create and how you can help others. Then do it. Most everything else is a waste of time.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 26, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Your back aches, your coffee\’s luke warm, or you fall behind schedule.
There are myriad things that can and will go wrong every single day of your life. (And hey — there\’s also plenty that goes right, so keep track of that, too.)
Many of us allow one sour moment to spoil what would have otherwise been a perfectly sweet day. But it doesn\’t have to be this way. There are simple — really simple — ways to keep your stress in check and stop agonizing over the inevitable.
\”We\’re living in a society where we think the answers have to be really complicated,\” says Kathy Gruver, Ph.D., author of \”Conquer Your Stress With Mind/Body Techniques.\” \”We tend to complicate our own lives, but things can be ridiculously simple — and still work.\” The next time there\’s a bump in the road, remember a few of the mental tricks below to help yourself smoothly redirect back on course.
Just. Stop. Thinking. About. It. Certain pain, like an aching back, feels impossible to ignore. But agonizing over what hurts won\’t help you to feel any better. Instead, you\’re just suffering twice (once in your head, once in your back). \”You have the choice to think about something else,\” says Gruver, which is a somewhat shockingly simple truth. Just. Stop.
Focus on the breath.
\”Breathing is so cool because it happens automatically and it\’s something we can control,\” Gruver says. Breath concentration works anywhere and it gives you something positive to focus on. Gruver suggests thinking \”I am,\” on your inhale and \”at peace\” on your exhale. This technique it powerful: It overrides negative thoughts and redirects your focus. \”It\’s hard to stop thinking things, but it\’s easy to replace those thoughts with something else.\”
Don\’t beat yourself up if stress-inducing thoughts creep their way in.
It\’s normal and natural for this to happen, but judging yourself for it sort of defeats the purpose of the practice. Gruver says to dismiss these thoughts without judging yourself for having them, and carry on.
Visualize something that doesn\’t make you anxious.
\”Visualization gives you control and can help decrease your pain.\” Visualize anything from your favorite vacation spot when you\’re feeling on edge to your body actually healing itself when you\’re experiencing physical pain. \”The more real you can make it, the more it\’s going to work.\” The doctor herself visualizes a \”little construction worker\” moving around her body, working to mend and heal her whenever she feels achy or sick.
Use cues to remind you to be mindful.
\”Mindfulness isn’t about setting time aside and sitting on the pillow for meditation,\” says the practitioner. \”Mindfulness is about making your everyday activity a meditation.\” There are times when the practice of being mindful seems to slip our minds, and we get caught up in the heat of the moment. In these cases, it can be helpful to use \”mindful cues\” to bring us back to center. Whether it\’s an alarm on your phone, an app that reminds you to breathe or even the laugh of your colleague that you choose to associate with being present, setting these little reminders will prevent the chaos of the day from becoming too much to bear.
Rely on a someone you trust.
When you want to start making changes, ask a confidant to be a gentle reminder. If you want to stop complaining about your boss, mention it to someone you\’re close to. He\’s more likely to catch — and stop — you in the act. It\’s a system that\’ll keep you in check when you react to a stressful situation rather than respond to it.
reblogged from The Huffington Post
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 24, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
The covers of most men\’s and women\’s magazines have similar headlines: \”Get Great Abs\” and \”Have Amazing Sex.\” From the looks of it, these two issues have been recycled over and over (with some other stereotypically gender-relevant articles thrown in) on every Men\’s Health, Maxim, Cosmopolitan and Glamour cover since the dawn of time. In fact, I\’d bet that if we could get a better translation of cave drawings, they would read something like \”Grok get flat belly. Make girl Grok moan with joy.\”
And we keep buying them. We keep buying this lie that these things will make us happy. I\’ve had washboard abs (past tense) and I\’ve had some pretty phenomenal sex. Neither one made me a better person. Neither one completed me or made my life more fulfilling.
We chase this idea of \”I will be happy when… \”
I will be happy when I have a new car. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a better job. I will be happy when I lose five pounds. What if instead we choose to be happy — right now?
If you can read this, your life is pretty awesome.
Setting aside our first-world problems and pettiness, if you are online reading this, you have both electricity and WiFi or access to them. Odds are you are in a shelter of some sort, or on a smart phone (and then kudos to you for reading this on the go). Life might bump and bruise us, it may not always go the way we plan and I know I get frustrated with mine, but here\’s the thing: You are alive.
Because you are alive, everything is possible. So about those eight tips…
1. Stop believing your bullshit.
All that stuff you tell yourself about how you are a commitment phobe or a coward or lazy or not creative or unlucky? Stop it. It\’s bullshit, and deep down you know it. We are all insecure 14 year olds at heart. We\’re all scared. We all have dreams inside of us that we\’ve tucked away because somewhere along the line we tacked on those ideas about who we are that buried that essential brilliant, childlike sense of wonder. The more we stick to these scripts about who we are, the longer we live a fraction of the life we could be living. Let it go. Be who you are beneath the bullshit.
2. Be happy now.
Not because The Secret says so. Not because of some shiny happy Oprah crap. But because we can choose to appreciate what is in our lives instead of being angry or regretful about what we lack. It\’s a small, significant shift in perspective. It\’s easier to look at what\’s wrong or missing in our lives and believe that is the big picture — but it isn\’t. We can choose to let the beautiful parts set the tone.
3. Look at the stars.
It won\’t fix the economy. It won\’t stop wars. It won\’t give you flat abs, or better sex or even help you figure out your relationship and what you want to do with your life. But it\’s important. It helps you remember that you and your problems are both infinitesimally small and conversely, that you are a piece of an amazing and vast universe. I do it daily — it helps.
4. Let people in.
Truly. Tell people that you trust when you need help, or you\’re depressed — or you\’re happy and you want to share it with them. Acknowledge that you care about them and let yourself feel it. Instead of doing that other thing we sometimes do, which is to play it cool and pretend we only care as much as the other person has admitted to caring, and only open up half way. Go all in — it\’s worth it.
5. Stop with the crazy making.
I got to a friend\’s doorstep the other day, slightly breathless and nearly in tears after getting a little lost, physically and existentially. She asked what was wrong and I started to explain and then stopped myself and admitted, \”I\’m being stupid and have decided to invent lots of problems in my head.\” Life is full of obstacles; we don\’t need to create extra ones. A great corollary to this one is from The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz: Don\’t take things personally. Most of the time, other people\’s choices and attitudes have absolutely nothing to do with you. Unless you\’ve been behaving like a jerk, in which case…
6. Learn to apologize.
Not the ridiculous, self-deprecating apologizing for who you are and for existing that some people seem to do (what\’s up with that, anyway?). The ability to sincerely apologize — without ever interjecting the word \”but\” — is an essential skill for living around other human beings. If you are going to be around other people, eventually you will need to apologize. It\’s an important practice.
7. Practice gratitude.
Practice it out loud to the people around you. Practice it silently when you bless your food. Practice it often. Gratitude is not a first world only virtue. I saw a photo recently, of a girl in abject poverty, surrounded by filth and destruction. Her face was completely lit up with joy and gratitude as she played with a hula hoop she\’d been given. Gratitude is what makes what we have enough. Gratitude is the most basic way to connect with that sense of being an integral part of the vastness of the universe; as I mentioned with looking up at the stars, it\’s that sense of wonder and humility, contrasted with celebrating our connection to all of life.
8. Be kind.
Kurt Vonnegut said it best (though admittedly, and somewhat ashamedly — I am not a Vonnegut fan): \”There\’s only one rule that I know of, babies — \’God damn it, you\’ve got to be kind.\’\” Kindness costs us nothing and pays exponential dividends. I can\’t save the whole world. I can\’t bring peace to Syria. I can\’t fix the environment or the health care system, and from the looks of it, I may end up burning my dinner. But I can be kind. If the biggest thing we do in life is to extend love and kindness to even one other human being, we have changed the world for the better. That\’s a hell of a lot more important than flat abs in my book.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 22, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
There’s a great quote from Charles Darwin that forms the basis of Wendy Jago’s new book: “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, not the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”
This is the thesis of Wired for Success: Using NLP to Activate Your Brain for Maximum Achievement.
NLP — neurolinguistic programming — is a therapeutic technique used to recognize, understand and reprogram unconscious thought and behavior patterns in order to make your subconscious processes work for your benefit instead of against you.
Jago is a trained psychotherapist who uses NLP at the core of her practice. She is a master practitioner and NLP coach. Jago has already written many books on the subject.
For anyone interested in NLP, Wired for Success is a solid starting point. Jago does a good job of explaining the technique in straightforward language, while not oversimplifying to the point of losing substance. The book is divided into three sections: the first sets the stage, explaining what NLP is, teaching the reader how the mind shapes different experiences, and providing exercises throughout each of its 13 chapters. The second section expands on the first’s teachings, showing paths to help the reader approach real-life situations in newly programmed ways. The final section provides a brief conclusion.
The underlying idea behind NLP is that we can quite literally change our brains. In order to do so, however, we must first understand what is going on within them. To this, Jago writes: “We all have the same essential mental filtering mechanisms for doing this, although we use them differently. NLP calls these meta-programs, and this book shows you how to use them with more awareness and more flexibility.”
These “meta-programs” are at the heart of understanding NLP, and Jago articulates well how our brains “map the world” through them. They act as “mental structures that operate at a high level of generality to organize a mass of more specific information,” in effect becoming templates or filters “that let through certain kinds of information while blocking others.”
This sounds vague, but throughout the book, greater comprehension and a fuller understanding are gained as Jago introduces different examples and exercises. Once we understand how they work and what they’re doing, we can begin to alter them and “use that perspective to have internal conversations that create fuller possibilities for action.”
There doesn’t need to be a specific behavior to be targeted for improvement to use NLP. It certainly can be used to recognize and correct negative thought patterns and behaviors. However, it can also be used to simply improve patterns and skills. Jago cites prioritizing, negotiating, de-stressing, making decisions and finding opportunities as some areas where NLP can create positive results.
Although the two methods are strikingly different, the net effects of NLP and mindfulness meditation are very similar. Both involve observing thoughts. However, they each attack the problem from different angles. Even so, NLP has the capacity to provide quick results, just as meditation can. Jago writes: “The strategies start helping you as soon as you begin to view yourself from outside and to ask yourself questions. Once you do, you become your own investigator, explorer, tutor and supporter. You will be working in one of the most enabling partnerships possible: the partnership you can have with yourself.”
This desire to better understand oneself is part of a wave of more psychologically-tinged self-help books in recent years. Forgoing positive thinking and spirituality, more and more works in this area aim to tap into the psychological roots of behavior rather than abstract or divine elements. If this is the kind of approach interests you, Wired for Success is a good primer. Jago throws a lot of information at the reader, but it’s all useful and very well-organized.
Jago writes very objectively and very clearly. She provides plenty of information, but she doesn’t overwhelm. Jago strikes a perfect balance between readability and education by providing practicable tools “that can benefit everyone, even children.” Embracing NLP as a useful mode of personal development can open doors and alter perceptions: “Using your filters differently will produce different results; using them with understanding and flair can produce results that can be richly and productively different for you and for those around you.”
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