by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 15, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
The most unforgiving voice of all is the one that lives inside our heads. It is the constant drone of self-criticism, less-than and not-good-enough that leads our memory maps, habit patterns and fixed fantasies to the darkest of places. Silencing the Inner Critic is the first step toward rediscovering and reclaiming the authentic self.
You are perfect – mind, body and spirit. You are exactly where you need to be. You have never made a bad decision, although the consequences of your decisions may not have always turned out as you might have anticipated or expected. Sounds like a bunch of New Age nonsense, right? Well, not so much.
The factors that contribute to our evolution are myriad – nature, nurture, socialization, acculturation, collective consciousness, collective unconscious, racial memory, soul memory, in utero experience, prenatal influence – the list is seemingly endless. What often shapes us most immediately and most profoundly, however, are the instructions that we are given as we develop.
There really is no good explanation for why it is that we, as a culture, maintain a propensity to hear mostly the negative, as opposed to the positive, of those instructions, but that is the undeniable, and rather unfortunate, tendency. One supposes it has something to do with the Judeo-Christian ethic of \”man-as-sinner\” that is so deeply woven into the fabric of Western culture. Regardless, those negative instructions – \”You\’re fat.\” You\’re slow. You\’re dumb.\” You\’re clumsy\” – are part of the genesis for a pesky, self-critical and masochistic voice of self-denigration that plagues our self-perception.
That voice, however, – that Inner Critic – is predicated upon a lie; actually a whole series of lies. Those lies – or, more properly, our negative core beliefs as proscribed by them – establish for us many of the fixed fantasies that we hold about ourselves. And that voice, in turn, does its level best to inform – and mostly compromise — our self-esteem.
The lies issue from the perspective of those who themselves have lost contact with their own authenticity. They have their own set of lies to believe in. Remember the old adages, \”When you point a finger, there are three pointing back at you.\” or \”We hate in others what we fear most in ourselves.\”? Well, there you go. Psychosocially, and from the standpoint of emotional intelligence, the bully is always the weakest one on the playground.
On the other side of things, self-esteem is a wholly Western construct. Indeed, the notion of self-esteem – a notion that necessitates the inclusion of a dualistic \”bad me\” to balance out the \”good me\” – is quite foreign to Eastern thinkers. This is uniquely evidenced by the well known anecdote regarding a conference on Psychology and Buddhism some years ago where it was necessary to spend an entire day explaining the concept of self-esteem to a group of quite learned Eastern teachers and contemplatives, including the Dalai Lama. It\’s not that they didn\’t understand the construct of self-esteem, but, more, it\’s that they didn\’t understand why such a construct was even necessary.
The construct is necessary because we, at the sufferance of our own socialization, cling to this notion of \”bad me\”; a notion fostered by our fixation upon those formative negative instructions. There is really no way to avoid these negative instructions because they aren\’t about us – they are about the person who issues them. We can, however, manage the experience of those instructions, and the degree to which we allow them to influence us.
If we minimize and contain our experience of those negative instructions, recognizing them for what they are, then there is no real opportunity for us to generate the notion of \”bad me\”. With no \”bad me\”, there\’s no necessity for a \”good me\” — there\’s just \”me\” This is a path back to the authentic self — no conditions, no qualifications, no limitations. In this way, we can work toward an unselfconscious iteration of ourselves, rather than version that is constantly second guessing and looking over our own shoulder.
Read more by Michael J. Formica here. (more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 13, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Some people will promise you the world. They tell you that, if you just get their program or learn to be more positive, then you will be able to grow your business, be fulfilled, or what have you.
But they haven’t given you the whole picture. WHO you are on the inside is just as important as what you “know” and “believe.” That is what my work is all about.
While I don’t have a magic bullet (except for the blender) I do have something that has been working for millennia to help people live richer and more fulfilling lives. Awareness.
We have learned so much in our lives. And when we have not learned something, we use whatever information might be close to right to solve the problem at hand. When it comes to emotional issues we can forget what we have learned and when we learned it. Sometimes we can even completely lose sight of what we are feeling. Whether we are aware of it or not, though, these emotions — and sometimes the avoidance of them — play out in our daily lives.
Knowing what we are feeling and why we are feeling it are aspects of our emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is our ability to regulate, assess, and identify the emotions of our self and others. When we are unable to do this, we wind up with a whole host of problems. Most people have not learned to be emotionally intelligent. It is not taught in most schools, in most homes, or even in most coaching training programs. Without being aware of what we are feeling and why we are feeling it, we are doomed to failure. Even if our work is a success in terms of money, our lives will not be at all fulfilling.
So, what can you do about it?
You can take a moment to pay attention to what is going on below the surface. When faced with a difficult person or circumstance, ask yourself what you need that you are not getting and what this person needs that they might not be getting. Then look for solutions that might enrich both of your lives.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 10, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
1. Meditate, contemplate and observe: You can’t be happy if you don’t know what is stopping you from being happy. Take time each day to focus inward and figure out what is going on.
2. Do something for someone else: We are most fulfilled when we can meet the needs or wants of others — not just when we meet our own needs. Giving back can help us be more fulfilled.
3. Learn to love something even in what you hate: There is always some way to find something good in what is most challenging in your life. Take a moment to see what you can bring to the things with which you struggle.
4. Change your perspective and learn to see opportunity: Opportunity is everywhere. Take a moment to see potential.
5. Eat REALLY well: You can’t be happy with a broken or struggling system. Find a way to get good food in your life.
6. Don’t settle: You know what is best for you. Settling is not a good way to create a fulfilled life.
7. Love what you have: Otherwise known as being grateful. If you can’t love it, see number 6 or number 3.
8. Do what you love: It is the only thing you really need to do and is also what will make you the most fulfilled.
9. Love what you do: See number 6 and remember — if you are doing it, you might as well find a way to love it.
10. Be a really good person: There is nothing that creates fulfillment like integrity. Be the best person you know you can be.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 8, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Today I\’d like to share one of my favorite tools that helps me (and my clients) be more productive than I ever thought possible:
Ladies and Gentlemen:
SIRI + iPhone Reminders app!
(Note for Android users: you can try these instead: Astrid: http://astrid.com/
Remember The Milk: http://www.rememberthemilk.com/)
I know it sounds almost mundane and not as fancy as the \”usual suspects\” such as Calendar and Evernote. However, this is the biggest mental-space and time saver I found to date. It allows us to follow the essential principal of productivity: allocate the RIGHT amount of time and energy to every task.
Why does it work so well?
A) The task is now out of your mind and in a trusted system, that not only will store it for you, but will remind you to address it AT THE RIGHT TIME. Now it doesn\’t clog your brain with needless thoughts and worries and doesn\’t require any energy/mental space to remember it.
B) For me personally, writing stuff down creates some resistance. It\’s too much work! But when I only need to say \”Remind me…\” and assign a time, it\’s easy and doesn\’t interrupt the flow of whatever I am doing. This way, many more reminders go in, and subsequently more stuff GETS DONE.
Really, it\’s mind-boggling how much more productive thinking I can do since I stopped trying to remember every to-do.
I would like to challenge you to try it for a week, and tell me how it is working for you.
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Need to create better systems for your business? Marina Darlow of Vision Framework will help you put the structures in place to make you and your business the most effective.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 6, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
So what is meant by the term \”vision\”? It\’s simple. Whatever difference you want to make in the world — ending hunger and war, teaching parents how to raise children better, teaching partners how to love better, or however you want to make the world a better place — it is important to have a clear desired end result.
Your vision is your all-encompassing goal. You might never ultimately achieve this goal on your own — after all, ending world hunger is a pretty tall order — but your contribution will get the world closer to that goal.
Your first step is to create your Vision Statement. Most businesses use this step, as well, to help them formulate their business plan. It\’s a good way to help clarify your project.
Here is the first part of an exercise to help you write your Vision Statement:
Answer the following questions:
What I want to change about the world is:
One to three things I think the world needs are:
What I want to communicate to the world is:
How is your life and your business currently in line with your vision? What steps can you take today and this week that will bring you closer to living your purpose through this vision?
Does your visions include helping others? Dr. Kate\’s Master Transformational Coach Certification will give you a foundation from which you can reach those you most want to effect AND make money doing it.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 3, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Frequently, when people are unable to reach their goals, they start to look for flaws in themselves, others, or their project. They might think, \”What is wrong with me?\” Or, \”Why is it every time I try to move forward I have problems with this person or that person?\” Or, they think, \”Is this even the right idea? Maybe I have been wrong about the idea from the beginning.\”
Sometimes people can even miss everything that is going right because of the fact that they are looking at only part of the information — the negative part.
This results in a loss of drive, focus, enthusiasm, and happiness. Chances are, if you are losing steam, there are some habits causing this that could benefit from being remedied. For example:
Perfectionism: A perfectionist sometimes gives up before even starting. Their standards are so high that starting new tasks is difficult because there is no way to master something and begin it at the same time.
Shoulds: Some people have come to believe there are absolutes guiding their life. For example: a person believes he or she should be an accountant instead of an artist. Or that other people should have done something different. Or he or she should have known better.
Same Wrong Way: People often think their success depends on their ability to do it the way others have done it even if they are completely unlike the others they are comparing themselves to. So they compare themselves to others, looking for what is lacking. Eventually, if you look hard enough, you can find it.
The simple but profound practice of gratitude is helpful in taming all of these beasts. When we remember to be grateful for who we are, the people we have around us, and the things we have, problems like perfectionism melt away.
It is impossible to be grateful and negative at the same time. Remember to tell yourself and others what you are grateful for, what is working and what positive difference you believe it is making.
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