by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 7, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Many of us believe that we should “just know how” to relate in ways that bring us happiness. However, creating healthy and fulfilling relationships is an art and a practice. Before we get into some tools for creating more fulfilling relationships take a moment to look at some of the components of a healthy relationship. The following is not an exhaustive list but it will help set the stage:
Open communication: knowing what you think and feel and being willing to share it.
Trust: behaving in a way that is trustworthy, fostering trust, and being more trusting.
Respect: understanding that the other person is an individual and should not be criticized for not being like you or any other person.
Love: I like the expression, “Love is a verb.” Healthy relationships seek to continually work to foster love through behavior.
Integrity: the understanding that each person has his or her own path and it is not loving to take them off their path.
Partnership: the desire to share life ― its struggles and its joys.
Tool #1: The first tool is to figure out what each one of these categories mean to you –and to your partner. By writing down a sentence or two describing each of these components of a fulfilling relationship you will understand better how to create them in your relationship.
Tool #2: To maintain the love inside and outside of ourselves, we need to give it regular and careful attention. If you find yourself feeling frustrated or disconnected with someone close to you, see if you can take a moment to think of three to five positive traits ― things you love about the person. You can do this with your partner or your friend or a parent. You can even take an extra step and tell the person one or more of the things that you really value about them.
Tool #3: Sometimes we block the love coming from another person because of our own inability to feel worthy of love. If you find that you are disconnected or judgmental, check in with yourself to see if you really love yourself. If you are not sure, what is your self-care like? Are you eating, sleeping, attending to responsibilities, and having fun? If not, the problem might not be with the other person ― it might actually be with you.
Tool #4: Do you feel that a person or certain people should be there for you no matter what? No matter how you act, no matter how you treat them, no matter whether they show up for themselves or not? Sometimes we think that a person showing up in this way means that they truly love us. This is more the case in a parent-child relationship. However, in a peer relationship or partnership, expecting this is not about love ― it is about dependency. Check yourself; see if you want someone to take care of you ― whether it is emotionally, financially, or physically instead of creating true adult relationships and deeper love.
This week on Real Answers Radio, Dr. Kate offers simple tools that you can start using immediately. If you are craving more from your relationships – more caring, more connection, more meaning – then this show is for you!
Dr. Kate always welcomes your questions and this week’s show is the perfect opportunity to call in with your most pressing relationships questions and get the real answers you need.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 16, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Self-care is a privilege.
It is something privileged people get to think about and attend to. And, yes at this point in my life I am privileged to think about it myself.
I am grateful for that. But there is something more to it as well. At the heart of self-care is self-love and that is available to everyone.
And, the more we can bring that self-love into our lives the more that we can become who we want to become and create what we want to create. Even more importantly the more we can truly enjoy our lives –the good and the bad.
Self-Love is a birth right.
Does not matter where you come from, how much money you have, or how many resources you are connected to you always have access to the foundational self-care tool – self-love. Having, holding, and experiencing love in our selves for ourselves is the highest personal development achievement and the most basic stepping stone.
So, how do we get more of it?
Pick any area of your life where you feel angry, sad or any negative emotion. What is the circumstance that produces these thoughts and feelings? How is it that you have come to believe that you are wrong, bad, or unlovable?
Bring some understanding to this place where no love exists. How might a person find themselves in this situation? What might they struggle with?
Then bring some compassion to the situation. How challenging might it be to have these difficult emotions? Allow an image of yourself to come forward that represents this struggling part of yourself.
Now, bring some love to these confused and painful parts. Think of a time when you felt love. Spend a moment really bringing in the feeling. Now focus it on that image that you have conjured of yourself suffering.. Let the love infuse the image and feel the shift taking place inside of yourself.
Want more ways to cultivate self-love so you can care deeply for yourself? I am hosting a FREE video summit, Unstoppable: Self Care for Fearless Living – an incredible resource of daily interviews that will having your feeling inspired and connected. Starts Monday, the 17th – sign up now!
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 13, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Organization, healthy habits, down time and time to be your bad-ass self, all of it is self care.
But, really truly deeply self care is about self-love. Do we even know what that means? I personally think that it is a process, an unfolding. As we look at the parts that we are unable to love or that we outright mistreat and find our way back to a space where we can love them we naturally start to do more of the things that take care of us.
Three tips for self care:
Find where you are unconscious: Unfortunately, most of our life is spent walking around asleep. We go through the motions but don’t really connect in with ourselves or what is happening in the present moment. We are stuck in the past or the future.
Find the places in your life where you are on autopilot and your whole life will change for the better.
Take quiet time every day: Does it all seem like a blur? Well it will be if you do not find the time to stop, drop, and listen. Even 5 minutes a day of quite time will go a long way.
Ask yourself “Am I loving myself right now?”: Self-love like so many other things that are good for us are a practice. The more we practice the more we develop the skill.
Link the question \”Am I loving myself?\” to things like brushing your teeth and eating breakfast so that you can become more aware of whether you are loving yourself or not.
Is cultivating self-care important to you? March 17th – 21st I am hosting a FREE video summit, Unstoppable: Self Care for Fearless Living. Watch inspirational video interviews that will help you dive into the heart of caring for all of who you are. Sign up here
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