by Dr. Heléna Kate | Nov 26, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
It is very common for clients walking in my office for the first time to say to me that they feel trapped and they just can\’t seem to make the changes they know they want to make. They say they want things to be different but they just don\’t see how it is possible. Perhaps, you have found yourself thinking this way as well.
The bottom line is, whether you are aware of it or not, everything you have at this moment required you to follow a series of steps. Getting what you really want is no different. So….
The real question is, on what level can you make a change now? Regardless of the goal, or even if you do not clearly know what the goal is, there is almost always a step that can be taken to start the energy moving in the desired direction. This movement of energy should not be underestimated. It is the beginning — the first steps. Below, there are five steps to get you moving when you are feeling stuck.
First Steps for Getting What You Want
Connect to what you want: Don\’t worry about the specifics. Connect to the feeling of what you want, its essence, and how it will feel for you to have it be part of your life. Become as aware as possible of this feeling.
Look for a mismatch: Look for any part of your life that is not in line with this desire. Of course, the more closely related this part of your life is to what you want, the more powerful the action will be. But, anything, and everything, is helpful.
Do it: Take action. The more stuck you feel, the less you should worry about what the action is and the more you should concern yourself with making sure you do something.
Pay attention: Pay close attention while you do it. This is key. In order to make a positive shift in your life, you want to follow the clues. These clues are found in the action itself and the feelings and thoughts connected to it. In other words, the awareness you developed in the first step, when added to an action related to your goal, will result in insights. These insights are clues that will show you the reason the goal has eluded you for so long, as well as present opportunities for change.
Work with your insights to form your next steps. As you become more and more skillful at using this process, you will see more and more possibilities where you previously saw no way out.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Nov 24, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I have watched lots of heart-centered people struggle to get their work with their message out there because they are unable to deal with the realities of the financial side of their work. It seems that, when we care a lot, we sometimes try to prove it by making statements about how it is our love, not our pocketbook, that prompts our actions. Somewhere along the line it was as if we were sneakily given the choice of either loving our work or making a profit from it. There are many different ways we can do this; however, each is problematic. And… each can be remedied.
In order to get our messages out into the world, we need resources and skills. These resources come in all shapes and sizes — and one of those is money. Suzanne Evans says it is not that money is the most important thing — it clearly is not — but it touches everything that is important.
In my opinion, those of us who care about making a difference are, in one way or another, trying to create healing in the world. At its most basic level, healing is just the natural flow of energy, in which money is just a medium of exchange. It is a statement of perceived value. There are, of course, other ways to communicate value, but money is one of them.
If our projects do not have money, we will be unable to get them out to as large of an audience — or, at the very worst, we will be unable to continue doing our work. This makes dealing with money a central issue of importance.
My tip for those of you who struggle with money — especially when you\’re asking for money for yourself or your services — is to switch mindsets from selling to people to serving people. In other words, if you know you have something that can help others, why would you not let them know it is available to them? You might have heard this language before but have not really understood what it is about. I suggest you spend some time thinking about how you can better serve people by letting them know what you have to offer.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Nov 21, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Someone recently sent me an email asking about what he needs to sacrifice to succeed.
\”Success,\” he wrote, \”is said to come with great sacrifice. I\’m personally trying to figure out what I can sacrifice, while identifying and pursuing specific goals. Are there identifiable sacrifices that you attribute to your success? Or, more broadly, is there a generic schema for personal sacrifice that is consistent among leaders?\”
Though it is true that life is always balanced and if you attain one thing it often comes at the sacrifice of another, the trick is not to focus on the thing you have to give up, but rather the thing you gain.
In my case, money was a sacrifice for a while – but I was happy to give up the money to be my own boss. These days it\’s social life – I\’m not in New York much because I\’m on the road a lot. Though some may perceive that I am sacrificing a lot by being away, the balance is, I get to meet so many amazing people that I otherwise would never have met. Not to mention, the work I do is so rewarding.
In both cases, I focused on where I was going without concern to what I would have to give up.
Success comes not by trying to find something you\’re willing to sacrifice, but by being inspired by the thing you\’re pursuing. When you are in pursuit, sacrifice doesn\’t feel like sacrifice…it feels like balance.
This is different from working long hours and sacrificing seeing your family or friends, for example, in hope of what will come as a result of the sacrifice. In this case, the hard work is in pursuit of a goal not yet realized. The work itself is not rewarding and the stress is high, but the rationalization is that it is all worth it for the promise (real or false) of what it will bring. What if the promise is never realized? Was it all worth it, then? This really is sacrifice. When you give up something for something that does not bring immediate joy.
There is no sacrifice when the pursuit, the journey, is as rewarding if not more rewarding than the end result. And when you can wake up in the morning and feel successful whether some end goal is realized or not…THAT is true success.
reblogged from Simon Sinek\’s inspiring website www.startwithwhy.com (more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Nov 19, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Everything in life starts and ends with relationships. Imagine trying to build wealth without others. Imagine trying to be happy without others. Imagine trying to learn without others.
Our very existence starting from the womb has relied on our relationships to others. But there are no rule books for relationship building. We grow up learning to read and write hoping our connection skills learned on the playground are good enough to get by.
If your wealth, education, love, and even happiness is contingent on others, imagine what would happen if you upgraded the way built and engaged your relationships? Your life would change right in front of your eyes.
I believe there are 7 principles for building meaningful relationships. I’ve noticed these principles show up no matter what. I believe they are universal rules. They apply no matter what culture you’re in, where in the world you may be, or what time in history it is. They’re fundamental for life, love, and business.
The 7 principles are:
- 1. Our external relationships are a reflection of our internal relationship
- 2. Focus your mindset on giving unconditionally
- 3. Serve others how they want to be served
- 4. A relationship must be give and receive (sometimes you say no)
- 5. Get on peoples maps…empathize
- 6. Always make others feel safe
- 7. Honor every behavior because it has an intended positive outcome, no exceptions
#1: Our external relationships are a reflection of our internal relationship
Our experience of life on the outside is a reflection of the internal relationship we have with ourself.
If you operate from scarcity, believe people are out to screw you, and you’re not worthy of receiving, how will your relationships look?
But if you’re abundant, believe people want to help you, and you’re deserving, what will your relationships look like? Meaningful relationships are a reflection of the way we build relationships with ourselves.
This is also why I believe in bringing interpersonal work into business strategy. While the givegive methodology is a business methodology for growing sales through relationships with our clients and partners, the success of these relationships are based on our ability to develop a relationship with ourselves. The interpersonal work is as important, if not much more important than the strategy.
#2: Focus your mindset on giving unconditionally
Have you ever met someone that you felt an instant connection to? And have you ever met someone you disliked right away? What lets you know to like someone and what lets you know to dislike someone?
Every relationship happens in three layers. The first layer is what can be observed on the outside. The second is what is happening in the conscious minds of both people. And third is what is happening in the subconscious minds of both people. It’s in this mind where the subconscious is scanning 2 millions items of information every second for anything that lets them know its unsafe.
When we focus on giving unconditionally, we unconsciously align our body movements, posture, tone of voice, and the words we use with the best interests of the other person.
#3: Serve others how they want to be served
This is an upgrade from the golden rule- “do unto others as you want done unto you”. Instead, it should read, “do unto others as they want done unto them.” While serving others the way we want to be served in theory makes sense, it assumes that others experience what we want in the same way we do. This is in fact not true.
In order to build the life meaningful relationships, you have to commit to identifying what others want, and serve them how they want to be served.
#4: A relationship must be give and receive
Sometimes its really easy to focus on giving unconditionally and serving others the way they want to be served. But it can be really hard to receive.
A relationship is a two way street. With only one person giving and not receiving, it’s not a relationship. When we deny the ability for the other person to give, we deny them principle 2 and 3. Therefore, we have an obligation to receive just as much as we have an obligation to give.
#5: Get on peoples maps (empathize)
It’s easy to assume we understand what others mean when the use the same words that we do. But what their words mean might be completely different that what those same words mean to you.
For example, if someone said, “I’m going to make $150,000 this year.” You might interpret that as being a lot of money, but they may be worrying about how they’re going to pay their bills.
Each person has their own map for how they experience the world and until you can empathize with others from their viewpoint, you are not truly building a relationship (the root word “relate” being a key point).
We don’t know until we focus on learning how the other person experiences the world. This is their map. When you can learn how the other person sees the world through their beliefs about it, you can start to connect in a whole new way.
Everything in life starts and ends with relationships.
#6: Always make others feel safe
So many interactions are unsafe for others. Without safety, the other person can never truly open up and be vulnerable. Imagine trying to hang out with someone that’s afraid they’re in danger. Will they be focused on connecting? Will they present? Will they talk about things that are meaningful? Of course not, they’ll be focused on not dying.
As silly as this might sound, when we feel unsafe, we remain it fight or flight until it the perceived danger is gone. Just like keeping the engine of the car running permanently incase you need to drive away in a hot second. It’s our jobs to focus on ensuring others feel safe, so we can bring them into a place where they will open up and share the most meaningful parts of them. This is where real bonds are formed.
#7: Honor all behavior because it always has an intended positive outcome, no exceptions
This is perhaps the hardest principle to accept but is also the most important. Every single behavior, from the most joyful to the most horrendous, has an intended positive outcome.
There are two main drivers of behavior- pain and pleasure. We humans always make the best available choice at any given time between these two choices. Often, the choices are both painful so we will always take the less painful choice.
For example, why did so many men run out into walls of machine gun fire during D-day in WWII? Because while that was an extremely painful option, not running out and letting down their country or potentially being shot by their commander in the boat was far more painful. While this principle doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, it allows for you to empathize with others. If they had a better more pleasurable option, they would be making it. But when people do things that are not seen favorably, just remember it’s the best available option to them. If they had a better one, they would have taken it.
This is by far the hardest principle to accept but it’s one that is also the most empowering one of them all. If you can own this and allow it to guide your interactions, you can free yourself from outcomes due to the behavior of others.
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Keep these principles top of mind as you interact with others. Your success relies on relationships with your clients, partners, associates, and community. The more you can build and strengthen these relationships, the more abundance you will create both in dollars to your business but also in your experience of life.
reblogged from thegivegive.com
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Nov 17, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Sounds pretty harsh, right? It would be nice to believe that everyone out there is interested in us like an ideal parent but they really just want to know –in this information laden world—whether they should pay attention.
However, lets turn the tables around and think about how we are to others. Are we only interested in others for what they can give us? Do we show them care and attention just because they are human or do we think of them as tools to fulfill our needs?
I am not just taking about strangers, I am talking about friends and family. If you are like most people you think more about how they can fulfill your needs or give up on your own needs to fulfill theirs. Neither of these is a good option.
Believe it or not teaching this is a foundational element of therapy. Learning to be in real relationship rather than an egocentric one is paramount to our fulfillment. Why? Because we are destined to be disappointed if we really think that the people in our lives are there to meet our needs.
Now you might be saying: This is not me. I don’t do that. But, I bet you do. All of us do sometimes. So what does this behavior look like? Here are some examples:
- Do you get angry if people do not share your opinions?
- Do you expect people to understand you without you needing to explain?
- Are you unaware of your own needs? Or, tell yourself you can’t meet them because you need to meet someone else’s?
- Do you expect those close to you to share your feelings on events in your life?
- Do you make plans without considering the other persons needs or only considering the other persons needs?
You can probably see where I am headed. The problem with this way of being is that because our expectations are unreasonable, we end up unhappy. Always being focused on getting our needs met from outside and not figuring out how to be more stable on the inside results in a loss of fulfillment as well as broken relationships.
What can you do about it? This one is not as easily solved as some problems. You really need to commit to doing some deep inner work. The kind of work I do in my LifeWork Retreats where you have the opportunity to dig deep and get guidance on how you can grow.
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