by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 2, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Recently I was having a conversation with one of my daughters about what it takes to get ahead in life. It was a deep conversation, that as parents we are sometimes lucky enough to have with our children. After the conversation I found myself thinking about what it takes to get ahead in life and in business.
I suspect most of you would agree that hard work, commitment and a dedication to excellence are requirements. And sometimes a little luck comes our way as well…never a bad thing. But what I believe is that we also need to leverage who we know and learn not to go it alone. Strong statement when we taught that asking for help somehow demonstrates weakness and that using your connections to open doors is likened to being in the mob.
But we don’t have to go it alone or ignore those around us that we know can help us. Let’s be honest, having someone you know make an introduction for you can be incredibly helpful. If your friend, partner or colleague can introduce you to someone that forwards your career or provides opportunities you would not have otherwise isn’t that a good thing? You don’t have to fear that you are getting something for nothing or something you don’t deserve. While someone may make an introduction or put your resume at the top of the pile, only you can demonstrate your value and move the ball forward.
I want to give you a couple of personal examples to demonstrate my point. Many years ago one of my daughters wanted an internship with the CIA. We have a close friend who at that time held a very senior position at the CIA. He took my daughter’s resume to those involved with internships. She did get the internship and before she left that summer they had offered her a full time job after college. Did this friend secure the internship for her? Not likely. What I suspect is that when it came down to a couple of applicants who looked similar in education, background etc. his recommendation pushed her to the top of the pile. She however earned her job offer during her internship.
A year ago I conducted a sales training workshop for an organization. I met the president of the company at a conference I attended with my husband many years ago. Did I get the opportunity to conduct the workshop because of my husband? Only in the sense that I would not have met him had I not attended the conference. I earned the work however through my own efforts of follow-up, conversations and offering value even when there wasn’t a direct benefit to me. The referrals he has sent my way I earned because of a job well done.
The point is don’t be afraid to ask others to help you by making introductions or contacting someone on your behalf. We live and work in communities and meet hundreds of people throughout our life that would be honored to help us. All we have to do is ask. Next time you think someone can help you in some way ask them. The likelihood is you are giving them a gift as people truly want to help.
reblogged from the Incendo Group blog.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 29, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
When I was in grade school, I was well, um, different. I am not sure what else to say about it. I was not a total geek –well, i\’m at least fairly sure I wasn\’t. lol!
I just didn\’t have that one thing that I was “all about.” And, I was much to non-conformist to really hang tight with the popular crowd.
I can remember thinking over and over, “Why are we doing this? It seems so stupid.” when it came to the social cliques. However, it sure did not seem like anyone around me was asking those questions, or if they were, they were keeping it to themselves.
Anyway, the questioning has persisted through to adulthood. It is still just too easy for me to ask the question, “Why?” And along the way, I have learned that this can be an amazingly powerful question.
The more you are caught up in the rat race the harder it is to ask the question \”Why?\”. You just don’t have enough time. That is why the question why is favored by children and philosophers – those with time enough to ponder rather then just act.
As Allen Watts says, “a philosopher is nothing more than a yokel who walks around staring at things that other people think are totally commonplace.”
Well let’s take a page from his book for a minute.
I have written a lot about what I think is important and the power of caring more but why are we doing this? I am not even just talking about your work. I want you to ask this about your whole life.
When was the last time you asked yourself \”Why have I chosen the life that I have?\”
And then take it one step further, what is the BIG point? Why are you here? Why are you conscious and aware? And, why do you choose to stay that way, become more so, or even become less so?
If you can’t answer these questions with an answer, and an answer that you feel proud of, then I can bet you that you are not as happy or as successful as you would like to be.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 23, 2014 | Uncategorized
Growing up I often heard the phrase “You shouldn’t care so much.”
Derivatives of this idea included: So what if they’re talking about you. Who cares what they think? He’s a jerk; why do you care about him? You’re your own person; why do you care about what she’s doing?
I associated the word “care” with stress, because in all these instances, caring meant feeling bad.
It meant being overly worried about someone’s opinion of me, or feeling for someone who didn’t feel for me, or thinking someone was somehow better than me.
I frequently responded, “What kind of person would I be if I didn’t care?”
I also argued that not caring could be a limiting choice.
Sometimes someone else’s criticism contains a valuable lesson. Sometimes someone who seems like a jerk really needs someone to take a chance on him (or her). Sometimes someone else’s choices help us illuminate the path we really want to take.
If we decide to stop caring in all instances that might push and challenge us, we risk closing ourselves off to insights, relationships, and ideas that could change our lives for the better—and potentially do the same for others.
I’ve since realized that the real message isn’t to stop caring, but instead to recognize how we care and why so that we don’t give our power away.
Sometimes we care with love; sometimes we care with fear. Sometimes we care with self-respect; sometimes we care with self-contempt. Sometimes we care with a sense of possibility; sometimes we care with fears of inferiority.
The important thing is that we don’t let caring about people or circumstances detract from our ability to care for ourselves.
A friend of mine recently told me she’s stopped caring about what people expect of her. Knowing that she values those relationships, I concluded that she really meant she stopped stressing about how well she met their expectations.
She essentially decided to stop worrying about things outside her control, and focus instead on all the things that were within her power.
That’s what it means to care for ourselves: to do our best and celebrate that, even as we keep learning and growing.
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha and the author of the Tiny Wisdom eBook series, Tiny Buddha\’s Guide to Loving Yourself, and Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life\’s Hard Questions.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 21, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
My upcoming book is called Apathy is Noxious: The power of giving a damn. I really like the way it is shaping up. The book is a step on the path to getting what I believe is the most important message: Care More.
After thinking a lot about it, I realized that if I could change one thing in the world. It would be to get people to care more. I believe that harnessing our power to care is life changing, world changing, and downright transformational on every level.
It might sound trite but think about it for a second. How often have you said to yourself \”I think that if I just cared more that would solve this problem?\”
How often have you thought, if that person or group just cared more then this problem would be solved?
Kind of interesting right? Most of us have found ourselves lamenting the lack of care that we see in another group of people. Maybe even sometimes getting upset because how much we care about something is getting in our way: We care about a person and they hurt us. We care about a cause and we see it fail our ideals. We care about an aspect of our life and we loose it.
Then it turns into blame. It must be someone besides us that is messing this all up, right?
What if I were to tell you, no?
What if I were to tell you that if you really cared about yourself and others that it would blow the doors off what you have been up to now calling your life.
The truth is that there is a place inside of you that is so full of love for you and for everything around you that when you tap into it you will no longer be caring because you are expecting an outcome. You will care because it is who you are.
When you look at an aspect of your life, you will know that it is not like that because you don’t have the right amount of money or because you couldn’t get the love of someone you were interested in but because you did not care enough to do what it takes to make it something different.
And that is something most people do not want to hear.
Because it means that they are both the problem and the solution.
So, look at your life, look at your relationships and your work. Are they the way that you want them to be? Ask yourself am I caring as much about myself as this other person, idea, or thing? And, am I caring as much about this person, idea, or thing, as I am caring about myself?
Is there a way that I can care more? What would I do if I was willing do care more?
Ask and act on these questions and, trust me, your life will change.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 18, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Do you charge ahead, willing to give anything a try and persisting in the face of setbacks, criticism and failure? Or do you hesitate, waiting until you feel you can put the pieces together so everything will be “just right,” ensuring that everything goes as planned and everyone is happy?
My grandfather’s motto for life is: “Just get in there and have a go.”
As I look back on decades of risky career moves and wonderful adventures around the globe, I thank him every day for giving me the confidence to show up for the things that have mattered most in my life.
In fact, I didn’t realize just how good his advice was until I recently recorded this podcast with Katty Kay, co-author of the best-selling book The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance—What Women Should Know. Thoughts into actions
“Confidence is what turns our thoughts into actions,” explained Katty. “With it you can take on the world; without it you remain stuck on the starting block of your own potential.”
It turns out confidence isn’t simply feeling good about yourself, saying you’re great—perfect just as you are—and believing you can do whatever you want. Nor does it require you to be a jerk who always has to speak first, ignores other people’s ideas, or demands to be given what you deserve. Rather, confidence is what allows you to stop mumbling, apologizing and hesitating, and instead start acting, risking and failing.
“Confidence matters more to our success than competence does,” said Katty. “If you choose not to act, you simply have less chance of success.”
Unfortunately, Katty’s research found that confidence appears to be a particular challenge for women across professions, income levels, and generations. And while our genetics, our schooling, our upbringing, our society and even the way we look are all factors that affect our confidence, it’s also a result of our own choices. Choose to become more confident
As a result, Katty believes we can improve our levels of confidence through three simple steps:
1. Take action—Nothing builds confidence like taking action, especially when the action involves risk and failure. So step outside your comfort zone, and if the very idea feels overwhelming, focus on how your actions can benefit others to kick-start your confidence. Start with small challenges that allow you to grow, improve and gain confidence. If you fail, think about how you can do it differently next time, and try again. If you succeed, set yourself the next challenge and keep stretching yourself forward again and again.
2. Think Less—Note the stories you’re playing over and over, and ask: Is this the only explanation for what’s unfolding? Try to note as many plausible alternatives as possible, and invest your attention on the explanations that build rather than destroy your confidence. And if all else fails, try a little self-compassion and talk back to yourself, as you would to a friend who was full of self-doubt.
3. Be Authentic—Be confident in a way that feels genuine to you. You don’t always have to speak first; you can listen and incorporate what others say. You can speak calmly but carry a smart message—one that will be heard. Play to your distinctive strengths and values. Express your vulnerability. We’re at our most powerful when confidence emanates from our core.
What would you be doing right now if you had a little more confidence?
Michelle McQuaid is a best-selling author, workplace well-being teacher and change activator. To learn more about Michelle visit www.michellemcquaid.com. (more…)
