by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 6, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Self-Esteem vs. Self-Acceptance
Though related, self-acceptance is not the same as self-esteem. Whereas self-esteem refers specifically to how valuable, or worthwhile, we see ourselves, self-acceptance alludes to a far more global affirmation of self. When we\’re self-accepting, we\’re able to embrace all facets of ourselves–not just the positive, more \”esteem-able\” parts. As such, self-acceptance is unconditional, free of any qualification. We can recognize our weaknesses, limitations, and foibles, but this awareness in no way interferes with our ability to fully accept ourselves.
I regularly tell my therapy clients that if they genuinely want to improve their self-esteem, they need to explore what parts of themselves they\’re not yet able to accept. For, ultimately, liking ourselves more (or getting on better terms with ourselves) has mostly to do with self-acceptance. And it\’s only when we stop judging ourselves that we can secure a more positive sense of who we are. Which is why I believe self-esteem rises naturally as soon as we cease being so hard on ourselves. And it\’s precisely because self-acceptance involves far more than self-esteem that I see it as crucial to our happiness and state of well-being.
What Determines Our Self-Acceptance (or Lack of Shame) in the First Place?
In general, similar to self-esteem, as children we\’re able to accept ourselves only to the degree we feel accepted by our parents. Research has demonstrated that before the age of eight, we lack the ability to formulate a clear, separate sense of self–that is, other than that which has been transmitted to us by our caretakers. So if our parents were unable, or unwilling, to communicate the message that we were totally okay and acceptable–independent, that is, of our hard-to-control, sometimes errant behaviors–we were primed to view ourselves ambivalently. The positive regard we received from our parents may have depended almost totally on how we acted, and unfortunately we learned that many of our behaviors weren\’t acceptable to them. So, identifying ourselves with these objectionable behaviors, we inevitably came to see ourselves as in many ways inadequate.
Additionally, adverse parental evaluation can, and frequently does, go far beyond disapproving specific behaviors. For example, parents may transmit to us the overall message that we\’re selfish–or not attractive enough, smart enough, good or \”nice\” enough . . . and so on. As a result of what most mental health professionals would agree reflects a subtle form of emotional abuse, almost all of us come to regard ourselves as only conditionally acceptable. In consequence, we learn to regard many aspects of our self negatively, painfully internalizing feelings of rejection we too often experienced at the hands of overly critical parents. And this tendency toward self-criticism is at the heart of most of the problems that, as adults, we unwittingly create for ourselves.
In other words, given how the human psyche operates, it\’s almost impossible not to parent ourselves similarly to how we were parented originally. If our caretakers dealt with us in a hurtful manner, as adults we\’ll find all kinds of ways to perpetuate that unresolved pain onto ourselves. If we were frequently ignored, berated, blamed, chastised, or physically punished, we\’ll somehow contrive to continue this self-indignity. So when (figuratively, at least) we \”beat ourselves up,\” we\’re typically just following our parents\’ lead. Having to depend so much on them when we were young–and thus experiencing little authority to actually question their mixed verdict on us–we felt pretty much obliged to accept their negative appraisals as valid. This is hardly to say that they constantly put us down. But, historically, it\’s well-known that parents are far more likely to let us know when we do something that bothers them than to acknowledge us for our more positive, pro-social behaviors.
In fully comprehending our current reservations about ourselves, we also need to add the disapproval and criticism we may have been received from siblings, other relatives, teachers–and, especially, our peers, who (struggling with their own self-doubts) could hardly resist making fun of our frailties whenever we innocently \”exposed\” them. At any rate, it\’s safe to assume that almost all of us enter adulthood afflicted with a certain negative bias. We share a common tendency to blame ourselves, or to see ourselves as in some way defective. It\’s as though we all, to whatever degree, suffer from the same chronic \”virus\” of self-doubt.
. . . So How Do We Become More Self-Accepting?
Accepting ourselves unconditionally (despite our deficiencies) would have been almost automatic had our parents conveyed a predominantly positive message about us–and, additionally, we grew up in a generally supportive environment. But if that really wasn\’t the case, we need on our own to learn how to \”certify\” ourselves, to validate our essential ok-ness. And I\’m hardly suggesting that independently confirming ourselves has anything to do with becoming complacent–only that we get over our habit of constantly judging ourselves. If deep within us we\’re ever to experience, as our normal state of being, personal fulfillment and peace of mind, we must first rise to the challenge of complete, unqualified self-acceptance.
As Robert Holden puts it in his book Happiness Now!\”Happiness and self-acceptance go hand in hand. In fact, your level of self-acceptance determines your level of happiness. The more self-acceptance you have, the more happiness you\’ll allow yourself to accept, receive and enjoy. In other words, you enjoy as much happiness as you believe you\’re worthy of.\”
Perhaps more than anything else, cultivating self-acceptance requires that we develop more self-compassion. Only when we can better understand and pardon ourselves for things that earlier we assumed must be all our fault can we secure the relationship to self that till now has eluded us.
To adopt a more loving stance toward ourselves–the key prerequisite for self-acceptance–we must come to realize that till now we\’ve pretty much felt obliged to demonstrate our worth to others, just as initially we concluded that we had to submit to the judgmental authority of our caretakers. Our approval-seeking behaviors since then (misguided or not) have simply reflected the legacy of our parents\’ conditional love.
Undertaking such a heartfelt exploration of what I\’d call our well-nigh \”universal plight\” almost inevitably generates increased self-compassion. And it\’s through this compassion that we can learn to like ourselves more, and to view ourselves as deserving of love and respect by very \”virtue\” of our willingness to confront (and struggle against) what previously we\’ve found so difficult to accept about ourselves.
In a sense, we all bear \”conditional-love scars\” from the past. We\’re all among the ranks of the \”walking wounded.\” And this recognition of our common humanity can help inspire in us not only feelings of habitually-withheld kindness and goodwill toward ourselves but toward others as well.
To become more self-accepting, we must start by telling ourselves (repeatedly and– hopefully–with ever-increasing conviction) that given all of our negatively biased self-referencing beliefs, we\’ve done the best we possibly could. In this light, we need to re-examine residual feelings of guilt, as well as our many self-criticisms and put-downs. We must ask ourselves specifically what it is we don\’t accept about ourselves and, as agents of our own healing, bring compassion and understanding to each aspect of self-rejection or -denial. By doing so, we can begin to dissolve exaggerated feelings of guilt and shame based on standards that simply didn\’t mirror what could realistically be expected of us at the time.
The famous French expression, \”Tout comprendre, c\’est tout excuser\” (literally, \”to understand all is to pardon all\”) is a dictum that we ought to apply at least as much to ourselves as to others. For the more we can grasp just why in the past we were compelled to act in a particular way, the more likely we\’ll be able both to excuse ourselves for this behavior and avoid repeating it in the future.
Becoming more self-accepting necessitates that we begin to appreciate that, ultimately, we\’re not really to blame for anything–whether it\’s our looks, intelligence, or any of our more questionable behaviors. Our actions have all been compelled by some combination of background and biology. Going forward, we certainly can–and in most cases, should–take responsibility for ways we\’ve hurt or mistreated others. But if we\’re to productively work on becoming more self-accepting, we must do so with compassion and forgiveness in our hearts. We need to realize that, given our internal programming up to that point, we could hardly have behaved differently.
To take ourselves off the hook and gradually evolve to a state of unconditional self-acceptance, it\’s crucial that we adopt an attitude of \”self-pardon\” for our transgressions (whether actual or perceived). In the end, we may even come to realize that there\’s nothing to forgive. For regardless of what we may have concluded earlier, we were, in a sense, always innocent–doing the best we could, given (1) what was innate (or hard-wired) in us, (2) how compelling our needs (and feelings) were at the time, and (3) what, back then, we believed about ourselves.
That which, finally, determines most problematic behavior is linked to common psychological defenses. And it almost borders on the cruel for us to blame ourselves–or hold ourselves in contempt–for acting in ways that at the time we thought we had to in order to protect ourselves from anxiety, shame, or emotional distress generally.
reblogged from http://www.psychologytoday.com
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Dec 3, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
A recent study shows that only one out of every three Americans is actually happy. On a list of the top 20 happiest countries in the world, America just barely ranks at #17. This is kind of ridiculous when you think about all the freedoms and conveniences Americans enjoy that less wealthy nations will never experience. Even if you are not happy, it is likely you know someone who is. Think about how much you adore them and why. Observe them closely for a while and you might notice a surprising amount of room for growth in your own habits. Here are some of the things happy people do to make life better for everyone around them.
They Are Nice
It might seem like an overly general term, but happy people are usually nice. They are well-liked and pleasant to be around. They are respectful, warm, considerate, and helpful. They don’t get jealous. They don’t waste time gossiping and complaining. They seem to have infinite patience and give freely of themselves. Traits like these can only stem from a deep-seated sense of contentedness. Nice people create a social climate that puts everyone else at ease.
They Are Honest
True happiness cannot coexist with lies. Those who lie to themselves are more likely to lie to others and struggle with unhealthy relationships. Honesty starts with an informed sense of self. Happy people know who they are and aren’t afraid to show it. They are consistently themselves and do not feel the need to wear masks or pretend to be something they are not for any reason. Life is a lot less complicated when you allow yourself to be the same person at all times. By letting go of lies, happy people set an inspiring example which encourages those around them to flourish.
They Are Cooperative
Happy people are not overly concerned with dominating, yet they tend to come out on top. Victory is meaningless to the happy person without a team to share in the glory. There is a reason why it is customary for people who win awards to stand up and give a speech about all the people who helped them along the way. It is because nobody gets there alone, and taking all the credit for yourself is just mean. The idea of winning or dominating denotes pushing other people down on your way to the top. Those who recognize the efforts of others and freely share the joys of success tend to live much happier lives.
They Have Beautiful Smiles
There is a huge difference between smiling for the camera and smiling as a function of happiness. Anyone can show their teeth. Happy people smile with their entire bodies, and sometimes with all the energy in a one-foot radius. A real smile cannot be faked. When you run around emanating a radiant glow in response to all the joys of life, you are bound to attract some admirers.
They Are Well Adjusted
Happy people revel in life’s small pleasures. This gives them access to sources of joy that pass most people by. At the same time, they don’t get bogged down by the petty little details that seem to keep plenty of others stuck in the dumps. They know what is worth savoring and what to disregard. Happy people have a rational sense of scale to keep them grounded. The resulting positive perspective can turn any problem into an opportunity for growth.
They Surround Themselves with Happy People
Whether they actively seek out other folks with similar habits or they have the effect of raising the positive charge everywhere they go, happy people do not often stand alone. Glee is contagious. Groups of people tend to observe each other and subsequently imitate the most attractive behaviors they find in those around them. If enough folks agree to treat each other the way they would like to be treated, the result will be infectious and irresistible to bystanders.
They Are Spontaneous
A good relationship with the value of each passing moment is an essential component of happiness. If living in the present is so easy to do, why is it so many people are preoccupied with thoughts of the elsewhere, the future, and the past? Happy people are comfortable in their skin. They are content and aware in whatever moment they inhabit. This allows them to see opportunities for fun and adventure which others might overlook. It is part of why happy people are always the life of the party.
They Are Good Listeners
Communication is about more than just barking a bunch of orders and wondering why nobody is listening. Harmony cannot exist in a vacuum. Can you imagine trying to sing in a barbershop quartet without being able to hear the other singers? In order to create a resonating chord, you must listen to what is happening around you and find just the right place for your own vibrations.
Happy people are always looking for new perspectives as a way of informing their own. The feelings of others matter deeply to them because they know the greater good involves far more than just their own desires. Happy people have made a lifelong commitment to constantly learning, and they know the only way to do this is to be quiet and listen.
They Expect Less
It stands to reason that if you expect less, you will be satisfied with less. This mindset allows a more sustainable and unmaterialistic approach to life. Those who focus on what others should be doing for them are often disappointed more often than they are satisfied. True happiness comes from within, not from deeds or objects originating outside the self. Happy people know this, and they expect more from themselves than they do from external sources. They are more likely to accept than to demand, simply because a state of acceptance is a much healthier place to be than one of constant unmet demands.
They Don’t Judge
Nobody likes being judged. This is because the majority of judgments we make about each other are false and misinformed. Happy people understand through their own experiences that life is a perpetual learning process and everything we go through changes us in some way. With this knowledge, it just doesn’t make sense to hold a bunch of grudges. Happy people accept that we all struggle with different weaknesses, and everyone has the potential to figure things out in due time. This makes happy people better and more patient companions than those who are always judging others for their weaknesses.
The road to happiness is not an easy one to travel. It requires a sense of humble honesty which does not come naturally to everyone. Happy people are popular and successful for a reason. Anyone who smiles that much has got to be doing something right. It’s time you realized how much you have to learn from them. Happy people do not want you to be jealous. They want you to share in their joy by opening yourself up to the lessons all around you. They want to learn from you while inspiring you with their example. This is why we love happy people, and the world would probably stop turning without them. Hug your local happy person today. Let them take you by the hand and lead you toward a better life.
reblogged from www.lifehack.org
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 10, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
1. Meditate, contemplate and observe: You can’t be happy if you don’t know what is stopping you from being happy. Take time each day to focus inward and figure out what is going on.
2. Do something for someone else: We are most fulfilled when we can meet the needs or wants of others — not just when we meet our own needs. Giving back can help us be more fulfilled.
3. Learn to love something even in what you hate: There is always some way to find something good in what is most challenging in your life. Take a moment to see what you can bring to the things with which you struggle.
4. Change your perspective and learn to see opportunity: Opportunity is everywhere. Take a moment to see potential.
5. Eat REALLY well: You can’t be happy with a broken or struggling system. Find a way to get good food in your life.
6. Don’t settle: You know what is best for you. Settling is not a good way to create a fulfilled life.
7. Love what you have: Otherwise known as being grateful. If you can’t love it, see number 6 or number 3.
8. Do what you love: It is the only thing you really need to do and is also what will make you the most fulfilled.
9. Love what you do: See number 6 and remember — if you are doing it, you might as well find a way to love it.
10. Be a really good person: There is nothing that creates fulfillment like integrity. Be the best person you know you can be.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 24, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
The covers of most men\’s and women\’s magazines have similar headlines: \”Get Great Abs\” and \”Have Amazing Sex.\” From the looks of it, these two issues have been recycled over and over (with some other stereotypically gender-relevant articles thrown in) on every Men\’s Health, Maxim, Cosmopolitan and Glamour cover since the dawn of time. In fact, I\’d bet that if we could get a better translation of cave drawings, they would read something like \”Grok get flat belly. Make girl Grok moan with joy.\”
And we keep buying them. We keep buying this lie that these things will make us happy. I\’ve had washboard abs (past tense) and I\’ve had some pretty phenomenal sex. Neither one made me a better person. Neither one completed me or made my life more fulfilling.
We chase this idea of \”I will be happy when… \”
I will be happy when I have a new car. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a better job. I will be happy when I lose five pounds. What if instead we choose to be happy — right now?
If you can read this, your life is pretty awesome.
Setting aside our first-world problems and pettiness, if you are online reading this, you have both electricity and WiFi or access to them. Odds are you are in a shelter of some sort, or on a smart phone (and then kudos to you for reading this on the go). Life might bump and bruise us, it may not always go the way we plan and I know I get frustrated with mine, but here\’s the thing: You are alive.
Because you are alive, everything is possible. So about those eight tips…
1. Stop believing your bullshit.
All that stuff you tell yourself about how you are a commitment phobe or a coward or lazy or not creative or unlucky? Stop it. It\’s bullshit, and deep down you know it. We are all insecure 14 year olds at heart. We\’re all scared. We all have dreams inside of us that we\’ve tucked away because somewhere along the line we tacked on those ideas about who we are that buried that essential brilliant, childlike sense of wonder. The more we stick to these scripts about who we are, the longer we live a fraction of the life we could be living. Let it go. Be who you are beneath the bullshit.
2. Be happy now.
Not because The Secret says so. Not because of some shiny happy Oprah crap. But because we can choose to appreciate what is in our lives instead of being angry or regretful about what we lack. It\’s a small, significant shift in perspective. It\’s easier to look at what\’s wrong or missing in our lives and believe that is the big picture — but it isn\’t. We can choose to let the beautiful parts set the tone.
3. Look at the stars.
It won\’t fix the economy. It won\’t stop wars. It won\’t give you flat abs, or better sex or even help you figure out your relationship and what you want to do with your life. But it\’s important. It helps you remember that you and your problems are both infinitesimally small and conversely, that you are a piece of an amazing and vast universe. I do it daily — it helps.
4. Let people in.
Truly. Tell people that you trust when you need help, or you\’re depressed — or you\’re happy and you want to share it with them. Acknowledge that you care about them and let yourself feel it. Instead of doing that other thing we sometimes do, which is to play it cool and pretend we only care as much as the other person has admitted to caring, and only open up half way. Go all in — it\’s worth it.
5. Stop with the crazy making.
I got to a friend\’s doorstep the other day, slightly breathless and nearly in tears after getting a little lost, physically and existentially. She asked what was wrong and I started to explain and then stopped myself and admitted, \”I\’m being stupid and have decided to invent lots of problems in my head.\” Life is full of obstacles; we don\’t need to create extra ones. A great corollary to this one is from The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz: Don\’t take things personally. Most of the time, other people\’s choices and attitudes have absolutely nothing to do with you. Unless you\’ve been behaving like a jerk, in which case…
6. Learn to apologize.
Not the ridiculous, self-deprecating apologizing for who you are and for existing that some people seem to do (what\’s up with that, anyway?). The ability to sincerely apologize — without ever interjecting the word \”but\” — is an essential skill for living around other human beings. If you are going to be around other people, eventually you will need to apologize. It\’s an important practice.
7. Practice gratitude.
Practice it out loud to the people around you. Practice it silently when you bless your food. Practice it often. Gratitude is not a first world only virtue. I saw a photo recently, of a girl in abject poverty, surrounded by filth and destruction. Her face was completely lit up with joy and gratitude as she played with a hula hoop she\’d been given. Gratitude is what makes what we have enough. Gratitude is the most basic way to connect with that sense of being an integral part of the vastness of the universe; as I mentioned with looking up at the stars, it\’s that sense of wonder and humility, contrasted with celebrating our connection to all of life.
8. Be kind.
Kurt Vonnegut said it best (though admittedly, and somewhat ashamedly — I am not a Vonnegut fan): \”There\’s only one rule that I know of, babies — \’God damn it, you\’ve got to be kind.\’\” Kindness costs us nothing and pays exponential dividends. I can\’t save the whole world. I can\’t bring peace to Syria. I can\’t fix the environment or the health care system, and from the looks of it, I may end up burning my dinner. But I can be kind. If the biggest thing we do in life is to extend love and kindness to even one other human being, we have changed the world for the better. That\’s a hell of a lot more important than flat abs in my book.
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