by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 29, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
1. Be kind and generous: In every moment of every day it is possible to change someone’s life. Sometimes, it is as simple as just being kind.
2. Be clear about what does and does not work for you: People cannot work with you if they do not know what you are all about. If you are always compromising yourself, you will not be as effective.
3. Be your full self: Holding back because you think that is what others want is not helpful to anyone. You would not be who you are if it was not needed.
4. Let others be their full selves: The same goes for anyone else. If you think others need to be different, you are wrong. Let people be who they really are. If you don’t like it, figure out how to work with it.
5. Say thank you: People love to be appreciated. Let them know when you are grateful.
6. Look for ways to give back: Don’t lose track of making a contribution. No matter where you find yourself in your life, you can give back in a way that helps others.
7. Tip well and tip often: If you have money — and some might argue that this is true even if you don’t have money — make sure to support the people who are making minimum wage. They are working hard.
8. Support the things you believe in: Purchase what you want to support. Spend your time doing what you want to support. Talk about the things you want to support. You get the picture?
9. Really listen: Most people are not listened to enough. Pay attention to them and let them know they are important.
10. Focus: Know what you want to create and how you can help others. Then do it. Most everything else is a waste of time.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 24, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
The covers of most men\’s and women\’s magazines have similar headlines: \”Get Great Abs\” and \”Have Amazing Sex.\” From the looks of it, these two issues have been recycled over and over (with some other stereotypically gender-relevant articles thrown in) on every Men\’s Health, Maxim, Cosmopolitan and Glamour cover since the dawn of time. In fact, I\’d bet that if we could get a better translation of cave drawings, they would read something like \”Grok get flat belly. Make girl Grok moan with joy.\”
And we keep buying them. We keep buying this lie that these things will make us happy. I\’ve had washboard abs (past tense) and I\’ve had some pretty phenomenal sex. Neither one made me a better person. Neither one completed me or made my life more fulfilling.
We chase this idea of \”I will be happy when… \”
I will be happy when I have a new car. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a better job. I will be happy when I lose five pounds. What if instead we choose to be happy — right now?
If you can read this, your life is pretty awesome.
Setting aside our first-world problems and pettiness, if you are online reading this, you have both electricity and WiFi or access to them. Odds are you are in a shelter of some sort, or on a smart phone (and then kudos to you for reading this on the go). Life might bump and bruise us, it may not always go the way we plan and I know I get frustrated with mine, but here\’s the thing: You are alive.
Because you are alive, everything is possible. So about those eight tips…
1. Stop believing your bullshit.
All that stuff you tell yourself about how you are a commitment phobe or a coward or lazy or not creative or unlucky? Stop it. It\’s bullshit, and deep down you know it. We are all insecure 14 year olds at heart. We\’re all scared. We all have dreams inside of us that we\’ve tucked away because somewhere along the line we tacked on those ideas about who we are that buried that essential brilliant, childlike sense of wonder. The more we stick to these scripts about who we are, the longer we live a fraction of the life we could be living. Let it go. Be who you are beneath the bullshit.
2. Be happy now.
Not because The Secret says so. Not because of some shiny happy Oprah crap. But because we can choose to appreciate what is in our lives instead of being angry or regretful about what we lack. It\’s a small, significant shift in perspective. It\’s easier to look at what\’s wrong or missing in our lives and believe that is the big picture — but it isn\’t. We can choose to let the beautiful parts set the tone.
3. Look at the stars.
It won\’t fix the economy. It won\’t stop wars. It won\’t give you flat abs, or better sex or even help you figure out your relationship and what you want to do with your life. But it\’s important. It helps you remember that you and your problems are both infinitesimally small and conversely, that you are a piece of an amazing and vast universe. I do it daily — it helps.
4. Let people in.
Truly. Tell people that you trust when you need help, or you\’re depressed — or you\’re happy and you want to share it with them. Acknowledge that you care about them and let yourself feel it. Instead of doing that other thing we sometimes do, which is to play it cool and pretend we only care as much as the other person has admitted to caring, and only open up half way. Go all in — it\’s worth it.
5. Stop with the crazy making.
I got to a friend\’s doorstep the other day, slightly breathless and nearly in tears after getting a little lost, physically and existentially. She asked what was wrong and I started to explain and then stopped myself and admitted, \”I\’m being stupid and have decided to invent lots of problems in my head.\” Life is full of obstacles; we don\’t need to create extra ones. A great corollary to this one is from The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz: Don\’t take things personally. Most of the time, other people\’s choices and attitudes have absolutely nothing to do with you. Unless you\’ve been behaving like a jerk, in which case…
6. Learn to apologize.
Not the ridiculous, self-deprecating apologizing for who you are and for existing that some people seem to do (what\’s up with that, anyway?). The ability to sincerely apologize — without ever interjecting the word \”but\” — is an essential skill for living around other human beings. If you are going to be around other people, eventually you will need to apologize. It\’s an important practice.
7. Practice gratitude.
Practice it out loud to the people around you. Practice it silently when you bless your food. Practice it often. Gratitude is not a first world only virtue. I saw a photo recently, of a girl in abject poverty, surrounded by filth and destruction. Her face was completely lit up with joy and gratitude as she played with a hula hoop she\’d been given. Gratitude is what makes what we have enough. Gratitude is the most basic way to connect with that sense of being an integral part of the vastness of the universe; as I mentioned with looking up at the stars, it\’s that sense of wonder and humility, contrasted with celebrating our connection to all of life.
8. Be kind.
Kurt Vonnegut said it best (though admittedly, and somewhat ashamedly — I am not a Vonnegut fan): \”There\’s only one rule that I know of, babies — \’God damn it, you\’ve got to be kind.\’\” Kindness costs us nothing and pays exponential dividends. I can\’t save the whole world. I can\’t bring peace to Syria. I can\’t fix the environment or the health care system, and from the looks of it, I may end up burning my dinner. But I can be kind. If the biggest thing we do in life is to extend love and kindness to even one other human being, we have changed the world for the better. That\’s a hell of a lot more important than flat abs in my book.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 9, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Contrary to what our nervous systems might tell us, we need to learn to operate outside our comfort zones. Safety and fulfillment do not go hand and hand. When we play it safe and do things the way we are used to doing them, nothing changes. We do not grow. And you know what they say — if you are not growing, you are dying.
So, if we need to practice being outside of our comfort zone, how can we do it?
Find your edge: To actively and consciously leave your comfort zone, you need to know where it is. Think of it this way. If someone says to you that you need to do something to make a situation work — or, if someone asks you to do something: sky diving, for example — and you just flat-out say no. That is outside your comfort zone. But some situations are a little more vague. Calling someone you like and asking them out. Or, going a bit further with marketing your business. These things are not a flat-out no, usually. It is the examples that are uncomfortable but not unreasonable to us that are our edge.
Exercise your edge: You should be doing something every day that gets you more comfortable with doing the things that are on your edge. If you withhold the truth from people, practice speaking it. If you are afraid to speak on stage — my personal favorite — then take every opportunity to speak on stage. It is not about feeling good while you do it. It is about doing it.
Pay attention when you are in your comfort zone: How do you feel when you are doing something that you feel confident doing? Pay attention to this because it will give you insight into what feelings to connect with while you are exercising your edge. Practice your power and confidence: There are two pieces to this. When you are working your edge, remember to bring to your experience:
• The “essence” of who you are
• The feelings you feel when you are doing something that lies within your comfort zone
Getting comfortable functioning outside your comfort zone takes practice — just like all other parts of life. If you make doing it rather than not doing it a way of life, you become accustomed to the feeling and, therefore, it becomes easier to work with.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 3, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
You might notice that as you begin to change your life, you will see changes in your relationships. Sometimes, unfortunately, change means some relationships will need to fall away, but the ones that do not – or the new ones – will likely get deeper and more fulfilling. For those who have not had the joy of being in a fulfilling relationship, I will spend a bit of time describing some of what you might look to foster in your relationships.
Of course, you are the final judge of what truly makes you happy and fulfilled in a relationship, but these might offer some useful signposts.
Open communication: Knowing what you think and feel and being willing to share it.
Trust: Behaving in a way that is trustworthy, fostering trust and being more trusting.
Respect: Understanding that the other person is an individual and should not be criticized for not being like you or any other person.
Love:I like the expression, \”Love is a verb.\” Healthy relationships seek to continually work to foster love through behavior.
Integrity: The understanding that each person has his or her won path and it is not loving to take them off their path.
Partnership: The desire to share life – its struggles and its joys.
excerpt from Life Fulfillment Formula: 120 Ways to Activate Your Potential (more…)
