by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 26, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
When someone close to us is acting in a way that is difficult for us, our response is often defensive—we react to their behavior. We feel like we need to do something about it—for example, we might believe we need to draw a line to make it clear that other person has done wrong in some way, or make a correction to their behavior.
This comes in part from our need to protect ourselves or from our desire to make sure that whatever we don’t like doesn’t keep happening. While putting boundaries in place and communicating with other people in this way is an important skill—particularly when dealing with certain people—there’s also another way of approaching disagreements that can be very helpful.
This other way is to ask the person to join into the experience that you want to have with them. This requires us to be aware of what we would like to have happen in the moment when it is not happening as well as to be emotionally clear enough to act on this knowledge.
There is often an assumption that, when someone does something that we don’t like, they did it intentionally, they were not able to see something, or they just disregarded our needs. But most often, other people are simply not aware of what it is that we want or need. And many people have not become skilled at saying what it is that they do want and need.
When you are in a situation where someone in your life is not acting the way you would like, try inviting this person into the type of experience that you want rather than challenging, defending, or putting a boundary in place, and just see how it goes.
If, for example, I want to work on communication with someone and they’re not giving me the type of communication I want, I could respond by saying something such as, “Well, you’re not communicating with me, and that is a problem for me.” It is clear in my response that I do not like the behavior and also that I am feeling defensive. Because of my response, the other person might become a bit defensive themselves, and we will likely bounce our hurt and defenses off of each other.
Or, I can come into the situation and say something like, “What would really feel good to me is more communication, and this is what it would look like to have that.” With this example, I have gotten rid of the layers of defensiveness and simply invited the person into the way of being in our relationship that I would like most.
While not everyone will be able to rise to the occasion, when it does work, you will see just how powerful this method can be. It might actually become an essential new aspect of your repertoire—a new way of relating to others, a tool that helps you get back on track and create more of what you want in your life.
For more tips and tricks on how to create your life in an empowered way, check out my youtube videos here.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 19, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
It’s a part of our human experience to have defenses—though quite frequently, these defenses create problems for us. They change what we are able to get out of our relationships or what we are able to receive and develop in our lives, leaving us to wonder how we can work with them to be most productive in the way that is best for us.
Being defensive is a totally normal human response. However, often, if someone says you’re being defensive, the immediate reaction is to feel like you have done something wrong and should not be acting that way. In truth, that response is often the other person’s defense. If they call you out, then they have the upper hand.
The first step is just accepting the fact that it’s OK to be defensive. When you are, it is an opportunity to learn. Our defenses show us how we have been hurt or what needs of ours have not been met in the past, usually in our childhood and then even more throughout our lives afterward.
How and when we get defensive shows us how and why our defenses developed. They show us what it is that we need in order to better care for ourselves: underneath every defense is a lot of information about how we can actually grow and develop.
If you find yourself getting defensive in a situation, you can ask yourself, “What is it that I am afraid of?” (The “Biggest Fear” quiz on my website can help you get clarity about your greatest fears. See the end of this article for the link) In truth, we have an assortment of fears that lead to our being defensive, but as the quiz will show you, there are certain fears that are more intense than others. When we recognize what they are, we can do something about them.
For example, when we recognize that we have a need for safety or a fear of losing contact, being controlled or betrayed, we have gathered important information. We know that this has happened repeatedly in our life and is something that needs our attention.
If we have a need for safety, for example, the way to decrease our defense against this is to learn how to create safety for ourselves. That’s the healing step forward.
After we have cared for ourselves in this way, we ultimately transcend the problem and can truly be free. That\’s is how you heal from learning about and taking care of your defenses.
But to start the process, we must give ourselves what we need, regularly and consistently. If we engage in this deep level of self-care, we’ll be able to really heal from what has happened in the past. There are a number of different ways that we can attend to these wounds. We can learn to provide what we need for ourselves and we can learn how to receive it through the support of the people around us.
Once we are clear that we are being defensive, why we are being defensive, and then provide for that need, we’ll see ourselves getting softer, more open, and more flexible. Our strength will return to each situation that would have previously been challenging so that we’re able to respond in a way that is less defensive and more connective.
And, in the end, when we do this, it gives us more of what we want.
If you\’re curious to discover what is hidden behind your defenses, take my quiz!
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 11, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
Pleasure gets limited airtime in the personal development world. We talk about happiness, fulfillment, and other positive states, but pleasure somehow feels a bit more challenging to engage with.
It often goes in one of two directions: Pleasure gets entirely left out as we focus on goals and purpose, or it\’s implied that after you reach your goals or develop your purpose, pleasure will be the result—once you are successful, then you will fully enjoy your life and feel regular pleasure. In either case, it becomes a silent but active participant in evaluating our goals and activities in life. If we are not feeling pleasure, we can wonder if we are going in the wrong direction or didn’t actually make the good choices we thought we had. This may or may not be true.
I want to talk a little bit about both of these approaches to pleasure because they\’re both really informative.
When pleasure is seen as an end result or gets left out entirely, life becomes quite dry. For example, you might achieve your goals, but even when you get them you find yourself less than thrilled about your life. You might see a large degree of success in many different ways, but you are not actually enjoying the benefits of the work that you\’ve done. Along with misguided thinking that creates this perspective comes a lack of skill in how to experience pleasure. We actually have to learn how to embody pleasure in many different ways before we can add meaning to the hard work we do to reach our goals. When we do, we start not only to reach our goals but to enjoy them.
When we live believing that we should always feel good (regardless of how conscious this belief is) and we evaluate our life predominantly through this lens, we deaden our experience and ultimately decrease our pleasure. Very important things happen in our lives that don\’t exactly come with a lot of pleasure, such as difficult realizations, moments of transformation, and moments of embracing the more difficult aspects of ourselves. These moments don\’t necessarily feel good as we move through them, but the discomfort is not a sign that we are doing something wrong. In fact, if we allow ourselves to feel discomfort, the end result is that we embrace a whole new level of pleasure.
Pleasure is something to pay close attention to. If you do not, then chances are you\’re not working with it as effectively as you could be.
If you start to pay attention to where pleasure is in your life, it shows where you might want to spend more time or where you might want to direct your energy. If you\’re noticing that there is an absence of pleasure, even if you are meeting your goals and expectations, you\’re doing your life in a less successful way than if you were meeting all your goals and having pleasure. In this case, you might want to look at how you can bring more pleasure into your daily life.
Exploring pleasure and how it informs your experience is really a very important component of our overall growth process. It is something that I very much enjoy working on with people in my intensives and any of my programs, because as we start to work with it, so much of our life changes.
How does exploring pleasure distract from or move us toward self awareness? Find this video and more videos that support your personal development here: The Wisdom and Distraction of Pleasure
Subscribe to her YouTube channel for more information that supports your personal development!
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jan 25, 2018 | Inspiring Growth, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
The key to becoming more spiritually awakened is rooted in the ability to operate at a higher frequency. As vague as this may sound, it is shorthand for an actual experience. It includes our behaviors, our emotions, the way we feel in our body, the thoughts that frequent our mind, our ability to connect to our spiritual resources, and our comprehension and embodiment of our spiritual truths.
While spiritual breakthroughs can happen in a seemingly random way, the path of spiritual awakening is one of intention. Without intention our path forward will be much slower … if we move forward much at all.
Intention is critical to our spiritual awakening because:
· Clarifying our intention helps us act in ways that are in alignment with our spiritual ideals.
· It helps us navigate the sometimes intense and confusing emotions we’ll encounter on our path.
· We’ll more easily clear lower and negative energies from our body via a clear sense of what we want versus what we’ve been tolerating.
· It encourages us to practice our spirituality in ways that best serve us.
· The very act of setting an intention to connect to our spiritual resources is exactly what opens up the connection and contact to our spiritual resources.
· Our intention to understand ourselves and life more deeply guides our seeking and helps us comprehend the unveiled spiritual truths that have guided people throughout time.
Wherever you find yourself on your spiritual path, take a moment here at the beginning of 2018 and clarify what your intentions are for your life in general and in your spiritual development specifically. Take a moment to write your intentions down so that this time next year, you can benefit from the year-long proof that setting a positive intention to aid your spiritual awakening works.
Find more valuable information to support you in your spiritual development on Dr. Kate\’s free online workshop page.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jan 18, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
After almost 150 years of emphasizing problems in psychological practices, we have begun to see the limited results of these efforts. What we’ve learned is that change, i.e. productive, healthy, personal growth, is limited by a continual emphasis on the past. The more that we keep ourselves connected to past feelings, thoughts, and behaviors the less room there is for us to create something new and different.
In his book, Becoming Supernatural: How Common People Are Doing the Uncommon, Dr. Joe Dispenza discusses our addiction to stress and negativity. He states that we are so familiar with stress and negativity that we have a difficult time creating something new. He believes we can train our minds to let go of this stress and negativity focus. When we do, it frees up a lot of energy which can then be used to create what we really want in our life.
Knowing how to shift out of a state of stress and negativity implies good things for our future but it’s not the total picture of what is necessary to create transformation. We cannot simply apply positive thinking and bypass the hard work that needs to be done and expect to get non-stop great results. Our growth is also dependent on our ability to integrate the past. However, we often stay looking at the problem long after it’s been resolved … we do not move on and create something new and better in our life.
There are many tools that can help us move forward toward a new and better future. One of these tools is being intentional. Being intentional is the difference between being on a slow-moving river in a canoe without a paddle or being in that canoe with one. Without the paddle you still move in the intended direction, but you’ll move more slowly and often get hung up on things along the way. With the paddle, the current works for you, while you make the most out of it by intentionally steering. You more easily avoid obstacles and you will most definitely reach your destination faster.
When you set an intention for each day, you are picking up your paddle. Not much else has changed, but this one tool makes a huge difference in how things go.
Throughout each day, many things are vying for our attention. By setting an intention, we’re able to help ourselves in the following ways:
1. Direction: Where our attention goes our energy flows. When we set an intention, we help direct our energy so we get more of what we want.
2. Get Back On Track: When life events hit and throw us off our track, our intention can serve as a gentle reminder of how we want to focus ourselves in any given moment.
3. Stay Aware: The act of setting an intention makes us a bit more conscious each time we do it. The daily repetitive act of setting an intention helps us increasingly become more aware.
4. Build to What We Want: Being intentional regularly and consistently helps us build our lives so they go towards what we want in life. Being consistent in our efforts helps us both achieve the results that we want—and see the progress as we go, which helps us stay on track.
5. Positive Feelings: Just the act of setting a positive intention helps generate positive feelings. Each and every moment we spend in contact with positive emotions is helpful to our overall wellbeing.
Setting a daily intention is a powerful tool that only needs seconds each day. You can do it while brushing your teeth or while driving to work. It doesn’t require anything besides a few moments and the dedication of your mind and heart.
Ready for more valuable information to support your personal development? Watch one of Dr. Kate\’s fee videos here: Free Online Workshops
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jan 12, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Uncategorized
Empaths have the innate ability to affect a profound impact on the world around them. Early on in their development, it might seem as if the world is just too much to handle and that they’re more likely to be the ones changed (in not so great ways) by the world, rather than being world changers. However, with some skills and awareness, empaths can be powerful change agents.
Here are some of the abilities that help empaths be world changers…
Highly Intuitive: Strong intuition can help in your work with others, in your creative projects, and in sensing your best direction, allowing you to have a greater impact in all that you do.
In Tune: Whether at work, home, or in any other area of your life, being in tune with others helps you understand what’s needed in any given moment and how to best communicate with others.
Hypersensitivity: Being sensitive means you can feel even the minor shifts in a person or situation. This can help you take action before things become larger problems. The trick might be in the timing or in the company—just because you’re aware doesn’t mean others are. Pay attention to what type of delivery and timing gets best results.
Problem Avoidance: Your exceptional sensitivity helps you recognize problems before others do. This can be helpful for course correction in any area of life. You might know someone is just not the right person to hire or that a situation is worth avoiding altogether.
Voicing the Shadow: Many sensitive people are tapped into what is being avoided or unacknowledged and will—consciously or unconsciously—bring this information forward. This ability is a powerful tool of transformation.
Cultural Light Bearer: Your sensitivity allows you to make contact with the positive as well as negative undercurrents. Because of this, you’re able to help people connect with their potential or the potential of a situation.
Advocate for the Underserved: Similarly to Voicing the Shadow, you’re more likely to be able to understand the thoughts and feelings of those who live and act more on the fringes of our society and culture. You can become a powerful advocate for these people helping them—and us—to get things back on track.
If you’re curious about how you can better use your empathy skills to create positive change in the world, check out my Healers Training starting Spring of 2018. http://projectspace.in/work/project/katelive/train-with-me/integrative-healing-training/
