by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jun 1, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
Dedication to our path, whatever that looks like for us, is necessary for our continual advancement. However, this dedication, which gives us the inner resolve to stay the course regardless of what comes our way, needs to be in balance with our dedication to our self, which shows in how we care for ourselves in each and every step we take.
I have been blessed with unparalleled stamina and a resolve matched by few others. While that has been a backbone on which I can rely, it has been much more challenging to learn how to deeply care for and nourish myself.
I look around and see that I am not alone with this challenge.
When self-care is left out of the equation, we experience burnout, apathy, depression, and illness. Without self-care, we are unable to truly enjoy our lives, reap the rewards of our hard work, or experience real happiness.
Lack of self-care is nothing short of a denial of self. It is a strong statement of self-negation and has many roots. It is passed down through our lineage. It is taught to us through religion. It is born of our personal wounding.
Because of this, self-care is no small act. It turns centuries of indoctrination on its head. It lifts the weight of our negative childhood conditioning. This simple act of loving and caring for ourselves can be both an act of healing and an act of revolution all in one.
Our lack of ability to care for ourselves can look like many things: not allowing ourselves to rest when we are tired, eating the wrong foods or not eating the right ones, putting ourselves in bad environments or with less than ideal people. Regardless of whether you do not exercise or you stay in a job that is not right for you, there are underlying reasons why you do things this way. Some of these came from your childhood.
As a child, you may have been told that your tears were silly, or your requests for things may simply have been unanswered. These repeated messages told you to ignore your needs in order to to be safe, get approval, or maintain love. Even if you were not directly told to ignore your own needs—which many of you were—when you experienced any kind of wounding, the implied message in the wounding was that your needs did not matter.
This is a message that you likely believed.
As a result, you may continue to act as if your own needs are not important; you may continue to believe those who tell you that this is the case. Because of this, you may, in many small or large ways, not care for yourself.
But, the problem is even more than just devaluing your own needs. Through this process, you lose the fundamental mechanisms of meeting them—you forget how to receive and you forget what it feels like to be someone who is full and whole.
Your wounding creates a deep sense of unworthiness. And wherever you believe that you are unworthy, you will not allow the necessary care and nourishment for your expansion.
In the places where you are unable to attend to your needs, there is an emptiness, a frailness, a primary lack of ability to receive that blocks you from receiving the benefits of all you do. In essence, there is an unhealed place that is incapable of experiencing the joy, wonder, abundance, and other fruits of your life.
When you learn how to care for yourself, you heal the parts of yourself that were wounded in the past. You give yourself what you were unable to get at this other point in time. You show yourself a reality that is different than what you once experienced as possible.
As you commit to radically and completely caring for your needs, you are able to deeply feel not just the results of your specific efforts but all of life in a more deep and profound way. As you learn to deeply care for yourself, you unlock the door to your own happiness and return to the fullness of who you truly are.
For motivation to create self-care rituals in your life, take a look at my article >>> \”13 Reasons Why Sensitive Souls Need Rituals\”
by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 14, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
One very important aspect of working with the shadow comes from the work of Cliff Barry, who has separated the shadow into four different quadrants—four different aspects of the shadow—to help people understand the energies that are often in shadow for us. His belief is that these energies are essential parts of who we are and they are either working for us or against us. If we become more aware of them, then we will be able to have them work for us more than against us.
One of Cliff Barry’s shadow aspects is the predator; one component of this is the perpetrator–victim dynamic. Even within the area of shadow work, this is a broad area of inquiry and discussion, so we will just touch on it here. First, let’s take a look at how this dynamic is created.
If at some point in your life you were unable to protect yourself, take care of yourself, or you were hurt by an outside force, whether a person or an institution—then in this experience you intimately learned about being a victim. What is less talked about is that victims through their experience learn about being perpetrator as well. This is not to say that they are perpetrators but rather that they understand both sides of the coin. Through being victimized we understand the realities of perpetration.
Victims usually vow never to be like the person who hurt them. And this sets up a shadow dynamic. They either act out the perpetration while denying its effects. For example when someone experiences abuse and then perpetrates it on someone else. Or, they turn the abuse on themselves.
In situations were the person replicates the perpetration they experienced, they often do this because the pain is so significant that it is unmanageable. So, they use a variety of methods to minimize the pain disconnecting them from themselves and the results of their actions. They often make a vow to themselves, usually unconsciously, never to be in a powerless position again. Often this person thinks along the lines of “I don\’t want to be the victim.” But because, they believe that the same situation will in one way or another play out again –it is usually all they know- it is supportive of their survival not to remain in the victim role.
Someone who has not been through this kind of experience might wonder how a person, after experiencing such a horrific experience, could go and do the same thing to others. The reason is more complicated than can be explained here, but for our purposes the dynamic is that the victim is simply trying to take back power in a situation where they felt powerless so as to avoid the pain of that event.
Conversely, sometimes the victim will say something like, “I will never do that to another person.” But, because they have not resolved the dynamic, they play it out inside themselves. For example, they might be horrified at the idea of hurting another person, but they might be cruel to themselves on a regular basis. In this version, the perpetration is turned inward toward themselves, which might manifest as a strong critical voice, self-sabotage, or even a lack of self-care, all of which may or may not happen consciously. Very often, this person, even though they try their hardest not to let this inner perpetrator out, will inadvertently do just that. This can sometimes cause them to be even harder on themselves and continue the cycle.
Even if we are not aware of a shadow dynamic, it still is expressed—we just don’t have control over the expression.
To learn more about the Victim–Perpetrator Shadow Dynamic, watch this video: Free Yourself From the Victim Perpetrator Dynamic
by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 7, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
To work with the shadow, it is helpful to notice when it is most active. One of the ways to know that we are in the shadow terrain is to recognize the emergence of a certain type of blindness, deafness, or shutdown. To work with the shadow, it helps if we attune ourselves to this “lack of knowing,” which will make us more sensitive to how we relate to the world around us. Instead of paying attention to where we have openness and clarity, we pay attention to where there is constriction, lack of understanding, and disconnectedness. As we start to become more aware of how our shadow feels, we can begin to work with the shadow when it comes up. We learn that, if we pay attention, then we can gather some really valuable information to help transform our shadow and open up to even more expanded ways of being.
Another way to see our shadow is to notice when we are blaming, shaming, victimizing, or moving into anger, deception, or aggression. Behaviors such as these are clear indicators that our shadow is active in some way. While the first way of seeing our shadow is about becoming attuned to a feeling—how the shadow feels—the second way is to know that if you are pointing a finger at someone chances are there is a shadow involved.
A misconception that people sometimes develop about working with the shadow is that this way of looking at things means that everything is “their fault,” and they feel that they are going to have to continually take responsibility for every experience regardless of how bad the other person’s behavior is. While you are always responsible for your own behavior, regardless of the situation, every other person is also responsible for their behavior. Just because you look at your responsibility in a situation doesn’t mean that another person doesn’t have the same responsibility in the same situation. If you are around someone who does not take responsibility for their behavior, your healthiest choice might be to leave the situation rather than continuing to look at your shadow.
Recognizing the role that your shadow is playing in the situation is not done just as a practice of accepting responsibility; it actually gives you a greater degree of clarity about how you can proceed. It helps you see how you might be able to bring a problem or a challenge to the surface so that it can be worked with, or how you might be able to work with it directly. When we work with the shadow, we do so in order to more adeptly change the situation into what we want.
A third way that we can work with the shadow is by doing excavation work and understanding how our issues are likely to show up as shadows. This process of self-inquiry helps us understand how our prior experiences have created these patterns. We can assume that there are some shadow elements where we were wounded in the past and that each wound has its own pattern. These patterns act as templates that can at times be replayed in our current life. And so many times—though not always—this template of wounding exists in the shadow realm. For example, when we think “Why is this happening again? Why am I experiencing the same thing that I\’ve experienced so many times?” we have stumbled upon one of these wounding patterns.
It is the process of personal inquiry that helps us to unpack what is going on and to bring what is in the shadow out into the open. When we start to look at our stories, our experiences, and our wounds, then this naturally starts to bring shadow elements to light. It helps to clarify where we might be hiding or where we might not be able to see ourselves. And this, of course, creates a tremendous amount of transformation.
These are three ways that you can start to work with or identify where the shadow exists in your life so that you can create more of what you want instead of more of the same.
We can explore these techniques and more in a one-on-one session designed to illuminate how deep subconscious patterns are affecting your everyday life. Find out more here –> One-on-One Sessions with Dr. Kate
by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 2, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
One of the trickier pieces of working with ourselves and the realm of personal and spiritual development is working with our shadow, which comprises all of the elements of us that we are unable to see. Often, we see these traits in others but not in ourselves. When we look out to the world and are irritated or upset by another person’s behavior, or we think that they should be different, then usually what we are seeing is our own shadow.
We can see our shadow by correlating what we do not like in another with what we are not aware of in ourselves. For example, if we do not like a person’s selfishness, we might look inside to see how we are also selfish. Because we all have all traits, whatever we see in another, we also have If we deny that we have a certain type of trait, then we’re very likely to see this trait outside of us and react negatively to it in the outside world. We do this because, at some point in time, we’ve decided that this trait is one we shouldn’t have. So then, when we see it in someone else, we believe that they shouldn\’t have it either.
However, there’s another layer to working with the shadow: where we look at how our particular stories, issues, and problems are interplaying or interlocking with what it is that we are seeing in the outside world. We might get irritated or have some other negative emotion about someone’s behavior. But, actually, what\’s happening is that we are seeing a reflection of the parts of us that are coconspirators with this particular behavior—the things that are we unaware of that help to create our experience of this trait.
If someone acts a certain way or we perceive that they’re treating us a certain way, then we can explore how our storyline, our doubts and fears, the places that we don’t want to go, and the things we do or don’t want to feel inside could be interacting with this particular event.
Our first step is to simply ask, “How do I live out this trait that I do not like in this other person?”
Next, we can look at how that trait interacts with our personal stories. How does our personal story (way of being) help bring out this behavior in others?
Our shadow is incredibly important while we are trying to build our relationships on any level—whether that is a partnership or a friendship or a community. Inevitably, our shadow projections are going to come. When they do, they tend to be the things that are most disruptive to our relationships. Because these traits are in shadow, it’s easy for us to simply blame the other person for exhibiting bad behavior. As we turn around and begin to work with the shadow, we begin to unlock our own potential and the potential of the relationship.
As we become better and better at shining light onto our shadow, we are able to shift and transform situations, not because the situations themselves change, but because our perceptions of those situations change—radically. We see opportunities where we didn’t see them before. We understand how to show up differently or be different so that we can create a whole new reality for ourselves. We also learn to take responsibility for our contributions and keep the focus on our own work which speeds up our growth.
While it is at time challenging work to do and just as quickly as we grasp it can seem to elude us, working with our shadow is vital to our personal and spiritual development. We simply cannot progress pass a certain point without taking it into consideration.
For short and sweet videos with tips for your personal development journey check out my YouTube channel here
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 23, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
One of the simplest ways to make really radical and fast changes in our life is to be intentional. Specifically, we should set an intention each and every day for how we want that day to go, what we\’re going to focus on, what ultimate result we\’re looking for, or how we want to feel. Setting such intentions is the difference between an undirected, unconscious day and having focus for our energy and a frame through which we can become more conscious.
Intention serves a couple of different purposes. Foremost, it helps us more easily and more readily get from point A to point B. Furthermore, it helps us create more of what we want as we become more aware and conscious of our wants and needs. It also helps us get clearer about what is in our way.
Overall, by being intentional, we become more conscious. One of the things that I have clients do is to develop a practice—a specific activity that you do in order to raise your consciousness. This works because you craft the specific activity, time, place, and frame, allowing you to see things more completely. For example, if you are practicing compassion, you might choose a daily activity that helps you understand what compassion really means and how to be compassionate more effectively. Instead of being compassionate “just because” or only when the mood strikes you, you are now doing it in a specific way at a specific time; this frame allows you to see compassion differently.
The foundation of any practice is being intentional. So, if there is a way that we would like to move through our life, if there is a result that we would like to see, the easiest and best way to get there is to be clear about it beforehand. If you were traveling to a town that you had never been to before and you didn\’t know its name, even if you knew what direction it was in, it would be very difficult to know when you arrived there. You simply would not have clear knowledge of it. When we clarify what we want from a specific period of time, being intent not only helps us to get there—it helps us to see that we are there.
When we set an intention, it helps to align our heart, mind, and energy with that intention. This means that we are more likely to act in ways that are in alignment with our intention without even thinking about it—setting an intention is like laying down a track for where we want to go.
The best way to work with intentions is to experiment with them. This can be as simple as waking up in the morning and writing down what your intention is for that particular day. You could establish a specific designated time to spend at your altar or some other special spot in your home where you clarify how it is that you\’d like to move through your day or what you would like to feel. This experiment will lead you to a deeper understanding of intention and its benefits.
As you experiment with your intentions, you may notice moments in which reactivity overtakes intentionality. Check out my article \”When Reaction Beats Intention\” for clues on how to turn reactions into responses –> When Reaction Beats Intention
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 15, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
When we react rather than act with intention, it shapes our experience and our outcome. When we are reactive, we simply respond to a stimulus that we have encountered. This can be a person, place, or thing. Usually, our reaction is unconscious. We just do whatever happens as a result. For example, a person comes into the room, they say something to us, and we immediately respond with whatever is true for us in that moment. This could be something beneficial that really makes the situation run quite smoothly. Or, it could be the type of reaction that’s more defensive or problematic, and as a result it creates a disruption or challenge. Either way, it’s simply a response that is not considered.
On the other hand, being intentional means that, regardless of the stimulus we experience, we have a reason for our response. So in other words, if we want to build connection, or clarity, or what have you, then we respond in a certain type of way to accomplish that desire. Intention requires that we know what it is that we want to do in a particular moment and that we guide our actions accordingly. It is the difference between flying by the seat of our pants and guiding the experience.
As you can probably quite easily see, there are times when being more intentional might be very beneficial and help to shift things in a positive way. In our life, we can pay attention to where our intentional efforts might benefit others and ourselves the most. Then we can put a little bit more effort and consciousness into those areas so that we can create more of what we want in life. Conversely, if we do not take the time to be intentional, especially in important situations, our outcome can be hit or miss.
As much as intention is a tool to create more of what we want, it is not as simple as just coming up with a scenario we would like to create and then moving forward. Being intentional is a much more nuanced skill than that. Intention is about bringing our whole self into alignment with what we intend. The first step is getting clarity about how we would like things to go. Then, we have to bring ourselves into a state of being that is in alignment with this clarity. And, once we have, our final task is to surrender our expectations and our need for control and allow our actions to be guided. This final step is of extreme importance. If we do not surrender, we are merely managing the situation—not being intentional. This is just a sophisticated form of reaction.
To put this in action, we need to take the following steps. If we are going about our daily life and we want to be more intentional, we only need to get clear, bring ourselves into alignment, and surrender—but if we have already become reactive, it requires a couple more steps. For example, if someone says something to you that makes you feel activated or triggered, then the first step is to clear the negative reaction. We have to get out of the emotional reaction first before it is possible to take actions to be more intentional. When we are triggered, it may be impossible to know what it is that we would like to have as a positive outcome, let alone how to best create it. Regardless of whether or not you know, the first step is to clear the negative reaction—then we can start being more intentional.
Finally, we need to add skills to the mix. Setting our intention is essential; however, if we are lacking a certain skill that would help us act in a way that would bring our intention into being, we may still fall short of our mark. So, part of our process is also learning skills that support our intention becoming a reality. All of this this allows us to actively construct our life in a way that is most pleasing, satisfying, and beneficial.
If you\’re looking to dive deep into your intentions and what might be obstructing them, you may be interested in a Breakthrough Intensive. Find out more here –> Breakthrough Intensive with Dr. Kate
