by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 19, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
It’s a part of our human experience to have defenses—though quite frequently, these defenses create problems for us. They change what we are able to get out of our relationships or what we are able to receive and develop in our lives, leaving us to wonder how we can work with them to be most productive in the way that is best for us.
Being defensive is a totally normal human response. However, often, if someone says you’re being defensive, the immediate reaction is to feel like you have done something wrong and should not be acting that way. In truth, that response is often the other person’s defense. If they call you out, then they have the upper hand.
The first step is just accepting the fact that it’s OK to be defensive. When you are, it is an opportunity to learn. Our defenses show us how we have been hurt or what needs of ours have not been met in the past, usually in our childhood and then even more throughout our lives afterward.
How and when we get defensive shows us how and why our defenses developed. They show us what it is that we need in order to better care for ourselves: underneath every defense is a lot of information about how we can actually grow and develop.
If you find yourself getting defensive in a situation, you can ask yourself, “What is it that I am afraid of?” (The “Biggest Fear” quiz on my website can help you get clarity about your greatest fears. See the end of this article for the link) In truth, we have an assortment of fears that lead to our being defensive, but as the quiz will show you, there are certain fears that are more intense than others. When we recognize what they are, we can do something about them.
For example, when we recognize that we have a need for safety or a fear of losing contact, being controlled or betrayed, we have gathered important information. We know that this has happened repeatedly in our life and is something that needs our attention.
If we have a need for safety, for example, the way to decrease our defense against this is to learn how to create safety for ourselves. That’s the healing step forward.
After we have cared for ourselves in this way, we ultimately transcend the problem and can truly be free. That\’s is how you heal from learning about and taking care of your defenses.
But to start the process, we must give ourselves what we need, regularly and consistently. If we engage in this deep level of self-care, we’ll be able to really heal from what has happened in the past. There are a number of different ways that we can attend to these wounds. We can learn to provide what we need for ourselves and we can learn how to receive it through the support of the people around us.
Once we are clear that we are being defensive, why we are being defensive, and then provide for that need, we’ll see ourselves getting softer, more open, and more flexible. Our strength will return to each situation that would have previously been challenging so that we’re able to respond in a way that is less defensive and more connective.
And, in the end, when we do this, it gives us more of what we want.
If you\’re curious to discover what is hidden behind your defenses, take my quiz!
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 11, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
Pleasure gets limited airtime in the personal development world. We talk about happiness, fulfillment, and other positive states, but pleasure somehow feels a bit more challenging to engage with.
It often goes in one of two directions: Pleasure gets entirely left out as we focus on goals and purpose, or it\’s implied that after you reach your goals or develop your purpose, pleasure will be the result—once you are successful, then you will fully enjoy your life and feel regular pleasure. In either case, it becomes a silent but active participant in evaluating our goals and activities in life. If we are not feeling pleasure, we can wonder if we are going in the wrong direction or didn’t actually make the good choices we thought we had. This may or may not be true.
I want to talk a little bit about both of these approaches to pleasure because they\’re both really informative.
When pleasure is seen as an end result or gets left out entirely, life becomes quite dry. For example, you might achieve your goals, but even when you get them you find yourself less than thrilled about your life. You might see a large degree of success in many different ways, but you are not actually enjoying the benefits of the work that you\’ve done. Along with misguided thinking that creates this perspective comes a lack of skill in how to experience pleasure. We actually have to learn how to embody pleasure in many different ways before we can add meaning to the hard work we do to reach our goals. When we do, we start not only to reach our goals but to enjoy them.
When we live believing that we should always feel good (regardless of how conscious this belief is) and we evaluate our life predominantly through this lens, we deaden our experience and ultimately decrease our pleasure. Very important things happen in our lives that don\’t exactly come with a lot of pleasure, such as difficult realizations, moments of transformation, and moments of embracing the more difficult aspects of ourselves. These moments don\’t necessarily feel good as we move through them, but the discomfort is not a sign that we are doing something wrong. In fact, if we allow ourselves to feel discomfort, the end result is that we embrace a whole new level of pleasure.
Pleasure is something to pay close attention to. If you do not, then chances are you\’re not working with it as effectively as you could be.
If you start to pay attention to where pleasure is in your life, it shows where you might want to spend more time or where you might want to direct your energy. If you\’re noticing that there is an absence of pleasure, even if you are meeting your goals and expectations, you\’re doing your life in a less successful way than if you were meeting all your goals and having pleasure. In this case, you might want to look at how you can bring more pleasure into your daily life.
Exploring pleasure and how it informs your experience is really a very important component of our overall growth process. It is something that I very much enjoy working on with people in my intensives and any of my programs, because as we start to work with it, so much of our life changes.
How does exploring pleasure distract from or move us toward self awareness? Find this video and more videos that support your personal development here: The Wisdom and Distraction of Pleasure
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jan 18, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
After almost 150 years of emphasizing problems in psychological practices, we have begun to see the limited results of these efforts. What we’ve learned is that change, i.e. productive, healthy, personal growth, is limited by a continual emphasis on the past. The more that we keep ourselves connected to past feelings, thoughts, and behaviors the less room there is for us to create something new and different.
In his book, Becoming Supernatural: How Common People Are Doing the Uncommon, Dr. Joe Dispenza discusses our addiction to stress and negativity. He states that we are so familiar with stress and negativity that we have a difficult time creating something new. He believes we can train our minds to let go of this stress and negativity focus. When we do, it frees up a lot of energy which can then be used to create what we really want in our life.
Knowing how to shift out of a state of stress and negativity implies good things for our future but it’s not the total picture of what is necessary to create transformation. We cannot simply apply positive thinking and bypass the hard work that needs to be done and expect to get non-stop great results. Our growth is also dependent on our ability to integrate the past. However, we often stay looking at the problem long after it’s been resolved … we do not move on and create something new and better in our life.
There are many tools that can help us move forward toward a new and better future. One of these tools is being intentional. Being intentional is the difference between being on a slow-moving river in a canoe without a paddle or being in that canoe with one. Without the paddle you still move in the intended direction, but you’ll move more slowly and often get hung up on things along the way. With the paddle, the current works for you, while you make the most out of it by intentionally steering. You more easily avoid obstacles and you will most definitely reach your destination faster.
When you set an intention for each day, you are picking up your paddle. Not much else has changed, but this one tool makes a huge difference in how things go.
Throughout each day, many things are vying for our attention. By setting an intention, we’re able to help ourselves in the following ways:
1. Direction: Where our attention goes our energy flows. When we set an intention, we help direct our energy so we get more of what we want.
2. Get Back On Track: When life events hit and throw us off our track, our intention can serve as a gentle reminder of how we want to focus ourselves in any given moment.
3. Stay Aware: The act of setting an intention makes us a bit more conscious each time we do it. The daily repetitive act of setting an intention helps us increasingly become more aware.
4. Build to What We Want: Being intentional regularly and consistently helps us build our lives so they go towards what we want in life. Being consistent in our efforts helps us both achieve the results that we want—and see the progress as we go, which helps us stay on track.
5. Positive Feelings: Just the act of setting a positive intention helps generate positive feelings. Each and every moment we spend in contact with positive emotions is helpful to our overall wellbeing.
Setting a daily intention is a powerful tool that only needs seconds each day. You can do it while brushing your teeth or while driving to work. It doesn’t require anything besides a few moments and the dedication of your mind and heart.
Ready for more valuable information to support your personal development? Watch one of Dr. Kate\’s fee videos here: Free Online Workshops
