by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 19, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Failure is such a negative word that it seems strange to suggest that it can be a good thing. How many times have you looked back on your life, thought of mistakes you’ve made, and kicked yourself over them? I know I sure have. I have had many failures in my life. I have lost a job; I have mismanaged my money; and I have had trouble in relationships. But life goes on as it should.
You see many people allow failure to hold them back, when in reality failure can be a good thing! Fear of failure prevents many people from following their dreams or having a go at something new. Fear of failing is failure in itself because it holds back so many would-be success stories. I often remember what Zig Ziglar once said, “Failure is an event, not a person.” How profound is that?!
History has shown that the most successful exploits frequently came on the back of failure. Just think of Winston Churchill. He failed the sixth grade and was defeated in every single election for public office until he became Prime Minister at the young age of 62. Or, how about Albert Einstein. He did not speak until he was four years old, and couldn’t read until he was seven. His parents thought he was “sub-normal.” He was expelled from school and his teachers described him as “mentally slow, unsociable and adrip forever in foolish dreams.” You see where I am going with this. Failure is actually on our side. Failing allows us to grow, learn, and find new opportunities. Here is what I mean:
- Failure means you have courage Even though you didn’t get the results you wanted, at least you were trying to do something. So many people let the fear of failure prevent them from reaching for their dreams. So don’t be worried about a failure – at least you had the courage to have a go. Courage is not the absence of fear; it is feeling the fear and taking action anyway. When you have a go, despite the possibility of failure, you show that you have great courage.
- Failure makes you stronger When you don’t get the result you want, you can become more determined to succeed. At first you probably feel discouraged, frustrated or upset but these feelings don’t last forever. You then get a burst of determination and strength of purpose to try again. Failure makes you more focused on a successful outcome next time.
- Failure helps you learn It was Thomas Edison who said that he hadn’t failed in his hundreds of attempts to create the light bulb. His answer when questioned about his ‘failures’ was that he hadn’t failed, he had just found hundreds of ways that it didn’t work. This is the mentality of geniuses and successful people. Failure to get the results you wanted is not a negative thing; it is simply an opportunity to try a different method. It is also the opportunity to start again.
- Failure helps you grow When your efforts don’t work out, you have to reach deep inside to find the strength to try again. To solve the problem and make sure you get the desired result, you need to extend yourself and so you grow. You need to stretch and possibly move outside your comfort zone. After experiencing failure, you will never be the same as you were before you tried. You don’t know how far you can go until you have tried and failed.
- Failure creates new opportunities Many people believe that everything happens for a reason, we just don’t know what it is at the time. Failures often bring unforeseen opportunities that would not have been available without the failure in the first place. You often need to close one door so that another door of opportunity can be opened for you. Failure is a way of one door closing. Failure is seldom the end; it is often a bright beginning.
- Failure provides answers If you don’t try and fail, you will never know if your idea or method is going to work. You spend time worrying that you don’t have the answer; you wonder whether it would have worked. The pain of regret is far worse than the pain of failure. When you fail, you can start again; with regret, you will never know.
- Failure gives you the best chance of success Research out of Stanford University has shown that those who are the top of their field are the ones who have failed the most. Having to persevere to learn a new skill gives you the advantage over someone who gets it right first time. Learning many ways how not to do it gives you the edge over the person who hasn’t have that experience.
Don’t view failure as bad luck, instead look at each attempt to reach your goals as a triumph. There’s always something to learn, ways to grow, different viewpoints to see, and new opportunities waiting just around the corner. So get in and have a go. Fail fast and recover quickly to try again. Use every failure as an opportunity to learn and to grow as a person. Remember that every failure is like one step on the stairway to success. Above all else, remember this: If you never fail, you will never succeed.
reblogged from http://prairieecothrifter.com/
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 16, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Are you one of those people who always wants to get it right? I am sometimes. Although less and less because I know it does not make me happy.
One sure fire way to be both happier and more successful is to embrace the mistakes –even to welcome them. Our mistakes are some of the riches parts of our lives. They inform us 10 fold what our successes do.
Expect things to go wrong. Even welcome them going wrong.
It is an inevitable part of everything that we do and every day of our lives. A huge block to our fulfillment and success is worrying about what might go wrong instead of strengthening our attitude.
In other words: How will you navigate the INEVITABLE challenges that will come your way?
A friend reminded me recently of the song from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang –ok bear with me. Anyway, in this song they sing “from the ashes of disaster come the roses of success.” How might you be able to adopt this attitude for yourself? What would it take for you to be able to see your disasters as inevitable success coming down the road your way? How might this change your life?
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 14, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Good fences make good neighbors, and nowhere is this more true than in your romantic relationship. But many people hide their stance on a subject, or at least soften it, to be more likable at the start of a new relationship.
“I like hanging out with your family every weekend.”
“Your vegetarianism is no problem for me. I hardly eat meat now anyway.”
“Sure, we can keep the lights off.”
Over time, it becomes too difficult to move that boundary back to where it feels right for you, whether you’re talking about how much time to spend with your in-laws or how much sex you want to have. And it’s confusing to your partner, who thought you liked things this way because you always went along with it before.
Perversely, you make your life less desirable in order to be more desirable to your partner.
Over the years, this can get messy and you might eventually complain that the love of your life doesn’t really know you at all. But if you aren’t stating your boundaries and desires up front, how could your beau know?
The Difference Between Walls and Fences
Walls are built to keep people out, figuratively and literally. You can’t see inside someone’s house unless they invite you in, and even within a home each room is blocked from view unless you enter it. When you hide something from someone, you are walling it off.
Fences, on the other hand, are built to maintain a peaceful coexistence with others. You can usually see right through a fence because it is simply a demarcation of the boundaries of your property. It’s a public statement on where you stand on issues.
Your fence keeps soul sucking people who would disrespect you on the outside. They will go find an unfenced property to do their damage, not willing to expend the effort to climb yours (soul suckers are nothing if not lazy).
Fences are also easily moved or enlarged when a property is expanded, unlike walls which mean a reconfiguration of the entire house.
Walls destroy a relationship. Fences make it stronger. Big difference.
How to Determine Your Boundaries
1: Know Where You Stand
The key to setting your boundaries lies first in identifying them yourself. If you don’t know what you want, how in the heck will anyone else? This is no time for guessing games, with yourself or with your mate. And be very, very careful of the “I don’t really care” mentality because in truth you really do, about everything. You just don’t care about making a fuss right now.
It’s important that people should know what you stand for. It’s equally important that they should know what you won’t stand for. ~ Mary H. Waldrip
So give a damn now and you won’t be damning your partner in the future. Think about how you really feel about every new situation or question and answer honestly and thoughtfully. Because what you say and do now determines what kind of life you’ll be living later.
2: Identify Boundary Breaches
Sometimes it takes a while for a message to sink in. It’s not usually because your one true love doesn’t care. Your partner just needs firm reminders of your boundaries. You can do this gently at first with a pretty white picket fence surrounded by flowers and escalate all the way up to barbed wire and electricity if you need to (though at that point it might just be better to ask them to move).
Everyone pushes a falling fence. ~ Chinese proverb
Demanding the respect you deserve takes diligence on your part. Again, most of the time this is a simple and clear reminder to people.
No, I don’t want to do that.
It’s not okay for you to talk to me this way.
You said you would do this and I depend on you to honor your word.
When you allow your boundaries to be breached again and again you’re telling the other person it’s okay to be late, to not follow through on their commitments, or to otherwise disregard your feelings. But when people know there are consequences – “I’ll wait for you for 10 minutes, but if you’re later than that I’ll leave without you” – they can no longer breach with impunity.
You cannot control the actions of others, but you can certainly control your own.
3: Survey your property
When you live a life of experience, your boundaries will change because you will. You’ll grow and evolve, and so will many of your preferences. It’s important to regularly survey your boundaries to make sure they still fit. Your requirements for intimacy, communication, social activity, exercise, education, and entertainment will evolve with life and circumstances, and you have to be clear with yourself and your partner when they do.
Read more by Betsy Talbot here
Continually poking at your own boundaries will make it easier to explain them to others. How to Establish Boundaries Know where you stand on the important issues. When you know for sure how you want to be treated, it makes it easier to clearly state this to another person. Begin by asking yourself every day if you’re okay with what’s going on around you. If not, why? If it’s not clear to you, it won’t be clear to your partner. State your boundaries along with a consequence. “I understand you are really frustrated at work right now, but I’m not okay with you taking it out on me when you get home. I’m not your enemy here. The next time it happens I’m going to suggest you burn it off at the gym and I’m going to leave the room.” You can’t control the other person’s actions, but you can control your response. Test your boundaries. As you evolve as a human, your priorities and feelings will change. It’s important to question yourself on a regular basis to make sure the beliefs and ideas you hold are still true. When your boundaries change, it’s time to move your fences and let your partner know. (more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 12, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Today I made an important decision. It may not seem important but as some one who wants to live connected to community, it was an important decision for me. I decided to delegate a work task so that I could go spend a weekend at the lake with my friends.
That seems like a no brainer right? The reality is many times it’s emotionally easier for me to choose work, a night curled up with a book, or good activities to really spending time with people. I have a wall in my life.
In the quest to have good boundaries, we can easily confuse what we think are boundaries in our life with what are actually walls that we have put up.
I spent years working in ministry and much of that time leading various teams. Anyone who leads, particularly in a ministry setting, knows that situations are bound to arise that will hurt you very deeply. Sometimes I have processed those hurts well and other times I have let them build up walls in my life. In my particular situation, I never had the same team two years in a row – for eleven years! That’s a lot of people coming in and out of your life.
I realized lately that I have a wall that tells me not to get invest too deeply in a group because next year it’ll require the emotional energy to start all over again. That’s a wall – it’s born out of past situations that were hard and it sets me up to protect myself in unhealthy ways.
So how do we know the difference between boundaries in walls in our lives? The difference can be subtle. I try to think of it in this way:
Boundaries help us define ourselves. They define who we are and who we are not. They help us move toward healthy relationships because we have a healthy sense of ourselves.
Walls on the other hand are built up to protect us. They are an unhealthy response to hurtful or emotionally exhausting situations. Ultimately they will move us away from healthy community in some way.
So I would encourage you to look at your boundaries and examine them. Are they a healthy boundary or a damaging wall. If it’s the latter, what steps can you take to break down the wall and move toward healthy community.
Kathryn Taylor is a non-profit consultant and blogger. Read more by Kathryn on her blog http://projectspace.in/work/project/katelive/
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 9, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Plain and simple, the reason that we put up a defense is because we have been hurt by something similar to it before. In fact, research is showing that these past hurts stay lodged in our genetics and even get passed down the family line. Knowing what is safe and what is not safe is essential to our survival.
Unfortunately, it is also often in the way of our happiness.
I actually don’t recommend that anyone tear down all their walls. However, I think it is very important that we learn how to dismantle them or at very least build a door in them. So, what does this look like?
The number one way that you can create more intimacy is to foster an attitude of curiosity. It is so easy to assume that we know exactly what is going on, what someone’s intention or motivation is, what they were thinking, how it is supposed to affect us. As soon as we do this, we have left the present moment and we are making decisions out of all of our past experience.
To cultivate curiosity in your life and with others it is also important to cultivate trust. We need to be able to trust ourselves in order to be curious in our lives in general and we also need to establish trust with others in order to be able to be curious rather than guarded with them.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 7, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
So many people don’t see the patterns that keep them stuck in their love life even when they are right in front of them. To discover what is truly in the way of your ideal partner coming into your life, you can look at other areas and how you relate to yourself and others that give a huge clue.
One place to start is with your relationship with yourself and others when doing personal development. Every workshop, teacher, coach or class you interact with is a reflection of you and how you do relationships. When I coach with someone personally, I actually get a feel for how others react to them in their love life. I can sense how they are acting with me and the process which gives me the insight to share with them HOW they are being so they can see where they are stuck.
If you don’t have a coach, here are some examples of how you do personal development and how it shows up in dating and relationships:
- The passive one. You aren’t making an effort, always looking for some quick fix with minimal emotional involvement. You may even feel afraid of looking deeper or invest too much in yourself because you doubt that anything can help you. You never really try so you can justify why you don’t get anywhere in love.
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- How it shows up in love: You meet people who won’t go deeper either. You wait passively for divine timing or when your astrology says the time is right. You think that love isn’t meant for you anymore. You got hurt too many times and you just want to wait and hope for things to change. But… they never do.
The Extremist. You go full-on into every workshop, coaching program, class you take. You get really excited and hopeful each time you try something new. You jump from program to program hoping that THIS will be the ONE. You do the work to GET the man without valuing the journey. You get caught up in fixing yourself so you can reach the finish line but you end up feeling worse. You are trying too hard and getting the opposite result because as you do the programs you hold fear and anxiety and forget how wonderful you already are.
How it shows up in love: You jump into relationships and try SO hard to make them work. Every NEW person is “the one” for you and you try to force it to a commitment. You are filled with fear and anxiety when you meet someone. You lose your ground and feel if you can just get him/her to commit, everything will be okay. You may tend to attract men/women who do the same to you. They try really hard at first even when they hardly know you. They are in love with the idea of finding someone/anyone more than seeing you.
The Half-Committed. You jump in with full force and give up quickly. It takes you a long time to make a decision and then you change your mind frequently. You have a hate/love relationship with the process. You love it when things seem to be going your way and you easily give up when the first obstacle arises. You blame external (the workshop, life, the coach, the teacher) instead of looking inside. When faced with deeper issues, you run away. You resent having to do personal development work and you doubt if anything will help you because you keep looking outside for results before they have time to manifest.
How it shows up in love: You change your decisions often about whether someone is good for you or whether you should go back to your ex. You get angry easily at the universe and the men you date. You believe life isn’t fair. You aren’t clear of what you want and if you can consciously create your life. The men/women you attract are half-committed too. They just can’t seem to make up their minds about you or whether they want a relationship.
Solution: Design your ideal relationship (not the ideal persona of who you want to attract). Describe how you want to be treated, how you want to feel and how you want to live. Then, approach everything in life (your work, your friendships, your personal development process) as YOU want to be treated yourself. If you want a commitment, then commit to yourself, if you want someone to make an effort with you, then make an effort for yourself. As you make this shift in your mind and behavior, you will start to see others mirror back to you how you deserve to be treated.
You always get back what you put out. That is the law of karma. So, what will you put out today?
Debi Berndt and Dr. Robert Maldonado are the co-founders of Creative Love™, a personal development company that helps people attract, master and teach love. They’ve worked with thousands of singles across the world to find true love and their Creative Love™ Process is now taught in 13 different languages.Learn more here.
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