by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 13, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Are you into astrology? If you are you know that we are are going through something called a grand cross and this @#@$&$^ is really intense.
One of the features of this particular experience is the burning away of anything that doesn’t serve us. Whether or not you believe in astrology you can definitely relate to this experience. You know those points in time when every day that you wake up it seems like something else is getting screwed up!
It takes time to see that your troubles are bringing you much closer to where you truly want and need to be. Sometimes it is downright impossible. Still we want to move things along, we want to live our lives, and have that positive impact.
I am going to cut to the chase. Nothing is wrong. Nothing can be wrong. Even when it hurts it is still perfect. The real challenge is figuring out how to get ourselves to this place when it feels like the walls are falling down around you. And the first trick is to realize that everything is OK.
When we move out of panic, we can start to see that there is a divine order to everything. Even in the things that seem ominous and challenging.
Surrender: It is impossible to see that all is well if you are unwilling to surrender to the situation. What is needs to be accepted just the way it is. When we fight with or deny life we create a negative attachment and this perpetuates the feelings that something is wrong.
Affirmation: One of the ways to recognize that everything is perfect is to affirm the best in yourself, others and the situation.
Confirmation: Look for proof that things are working well rather than confirmation that they are not. In many ways, what we experience and therefore what we might feel is the result of what we pay attention to.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 10, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
A few years ago, Journalist Rachel Sklar fessed up to a mistake on her part. I admire her public apology greatly. Not only did she admit the mistake that critics called her out on, but she owned responsibility for the mistake, didn\’t attempt to blame others and promised not only to make an effort to fix this mistake but also to do better in the future. And because she was so transparent in her confession and apology I am willing to take a chance on her again.
Her mistake was in overlooking diversity in a list she made when she would vociferously decry such an omission by others. I have seen quite a few of these homogeneous lists and, rather than admit their error, the list makers instead often become defensive and offer excuses, making no attempts to work harder to create a stronger, more credible list.
Here is what Ms. Sklar had to say:
It\’s an omission we are fixing even as I type this, but that\’s not the point: the point is taking responsibility for it and holding it up as yet another reminder of how easily groups are marginalized in our media. Even by people who loudly complain about being marginalized.
I am one of those people — and this mistake is my fault … Except that it was my job to notice — and as someone who always keeps an eagle eye for women on lists such as these, I take responsibility for not expanding that eye further.
If this were a list of just men I\’d hit the roof, Twitter madly and blog angrily. So I not only understand why black listservs and blogs are blowing it up, I applaud it. I would too, and that\’s part of the goal in writing this post. Things won\’t change unless examples like this are held up as things that matter.
— Rachel Sklar at Mediaite: A Glaring Omission
Sklar\’s post serves as a reminder that there are many good reasons why we should own up to our mistakes. Here are five of my favorites:
1. Get a job or a promotion
Owning up to your mistakes is Good Business 101. Thinking that your failings and missteps will not be noticed or will silently be forgiven only diminishes your talent and successes. Leaders admit their mistakes quickly and then share what they\’ve learned and how they will move forward. Most importantly, they then take the actions they say they will and demonstrate their improvement.
2. Learn how to bounce back
It is also a good life skill to learn how to own your mistakes. You cannot learn from them if you are too busy trying to hide from or deny them. It is impossible to live a mistake-free life. It is also hard to learn how to stand up on our own two feet if we never risk falling down. One of the greatest benefits then from owning up to and learning from our mistakes is that we learn strength and resilience.
3. Defensiveness is not cute
To be stretched and grown by bouncing back from mistakes allows us to be taken more seriously by others as claims of perfection are pretty much unbelievable from any mere mortal. Also, attempting to shift the blame to other people is not the most honorable course of action. It makes you look weak and dishonest. Realizing that we are fallible humans makes us more attractive humans.
4. Become a better student of life
When we don\’t try to cover up our boo-boos we gain valuable perspective that makes it possible to keep our eyes open for life\’s lessons. Plus, we learn how to do things better the next time around. From actions tiny to tremendous, there are many for which life presents opportunities for a do-over.
5. Create change
Don\’t let your ego prevent you from recognizing your mistakes. You know when you\’ve done something badly or screwed up; if you don\’t make an effort to own it and correct it, it will likely stick in the back of your mind for a long time. That\’s not to say that admitting and correcting your mistake is an instant cure-all, but the freedom that comes from taking responsibility is, I believe, a crucial key to growth, happiness and the ability to move forward.
Admitting a mistake and dealing with the consequences can be embarrassing and possibly painful. You might (rightly in some cases) be concerned about possible repercussions. And your desire to come clean can potentially hurt people you care about, making the decision to confess your sins not always clearly the best choice. But I think in many, if not most, instances you\’ll be glad you did, and those around you will appreciate your decision to do so.
Do you admit your mistakes? Do you ultimately feel better if you do, or do you find it better not to talk about them and simply move forward? How do you feel when someone confesses to you that she screwed up?
BlogHer is the leading participatory news, entertainment and information network for women online.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 8, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Blame. It’s an easy thing to assign, but takes a lot of work to avoid. And yet, placing blame or ignoring culpability is what I did best for years.
As a younger man I loved my TV career. When I started in show business, I was determined to be the top host in the world – landing the best show on TV and giving it my all every week. I did land several big shows on big networks like HGTV, Discovery Channel, and National Geographic Channel; and to keep stability and make more money along the way I worked for a local TV news station doing traffic and weather. I had my goals firmly set, I had a plan for my life and my career, and I saw my finish line.
But all of that changed when I lost the three television projects I was working on within weeks of each other. In that one-month span my entire plan was wiped out, and I was faced with a blank slate, and no solid vision of where to turn.
I actually did have another plan, and I was already working it. I just see it at the time.
Since childhood I have been a student of enlightenment, motivation and serving others. When I was 10, I helped my grandfather deliver meals on wheels to his friends who were house-bound, prompting one of our recipients to remark about me: “That kid has the heart of a volunteer.” In grade school I found myself advising all my friends about their home lives, love lives, personal struggles and more. I just came naturally to me, and I had great results with it. I attended my first open AA meeting with my mother at the age of 13, and continued to attend on my own for years after.
In college I studied the workshops and teachings of Tony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, Wayne Dyer, Leo Buscaglia, and many others. In my early 30′s I completed the Landmark Education Curriculum for excellence, eventually becoming a head coach for Landmark programs in Los Angeles. I earned certifications in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Hypnotherapy and Timeline Therapy, and was compelled to absorb all I could in the empowerment world because I loved learning anything and everything I could about personal growth. All that hard work and yet at the time I did it because I loved it.
With my TV career at a sudden standstill, I was faced with the prospect of failure – a concept I previously refused to consider – but that failure was now all I could see.
I was filled with anger and blame for the people I held responsible for my circumstances. I blamed my parents, my brother, the TV executives, the business itself, and anyone else I could think of. My anger toward others allowed me to be right about my resentment, and not focus on any of my own culpability. And that’s what blame did for me – it gave me the freedom to avoid personal responsibility, and be right about my anger.
But hanging on to my resentment and justifying it with blame only perpetuated the issue and its resolution remained painfully out of reach. I pushed away friends, stopped engaging in physical activities like running and biking, and worst of all began to regret my decision to pursue a life in TV in the first place. I began to look at my choices as a huge mistake, and the depression I felt as a result was all-encompassing. I became my own worst enemy, kicking myself when I was down.
Several months later I got an email from a close friend that I had helped get off alcohol while I was in training for my NLP certification. She had just reached her 1 year sobriety milestone and was writing to thank me for not only changing her life, but saving it. She wrote that she had been lost her whole life before working with me; searching for love in a bottle, or an empty affair. It wasn’t until I helped her release her pain that her addiction could finally be eliminated. She was happy, successful, sober, and in love, and our work together was the catalyst.
The letter floored me.
After reading the letter I realized I wasn’t a failure. I was a success. My volunteer heart, my love for enlightenment, motivation, and helping others, along with my personal experiences, all added up to who I was for others in need. I was making a difference in other people’s lives, and to me that was the ultimate accomplishment.
And that was when I knew what I had to do: I stopped blaming others for what were ultimately my choices, and forgave myself not only for my choices, but for second guessing them in the first place. I set forth to discover the destiny that was screaming my name for years, but eluded my listening.
I let go of the past and all my resentment, and chose to trust my true gift as a coach and mentor. The shift was definite, and the endeavor became effortless. As my friend put it, I was finally following my Yes’s.
So, what does accountability mean for you? When was the last time you challenged yourself to let go of blame and take responsibility for your own choices? Pick one time in your life where you blamed someone or something else for holding you back or getting in your way, and ask yourself… “Who really was in my way?” The answer may surprise you. It may set you free.
“When you change the way you look at things – the things you look at change!” -Wayne Dyer
Steve Truitt is a performance coach, TV host, and sought-after motivational speaker. Known as “The Now What? Coach”, Steve specializes in the fields of addiction, relationships, and personal transition.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 6, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I consistently hear from people that they KNOW that they need to work with me but they do not have enough money, time, or support to make it happen. When you decide not to do something because of limited resources, when do you know if it is a real reason and when is it just an excuse? I feel that this is a very important question to answer so that we can make the healthiest, most empowering decisions for ourselves.
So how do you know if it is the right time to take that leap, to stretch, bend or extend yourself to get something you want?
There are a lot of opinions out there on this topic. Some people will say if you have the slightest impulse to move in a direction then you should go in that direction. Lets think about this. If you have the slightest impulse to cheat on your partner –do you? If you have the slightest impulse to eat an entire chocolate cake – do you? Maybe impulse is not the only thing to consider.
The question I ask is \”What do you want for your life?\” Really want. I am not talking about what are you willing to wish for when you have a few idle moments. I\’m talking about what you want so badly that you are willing to work your tail off to get it.
Because if you want that amazing life, if you want things to totally change, you will get it.
You will see the change but you need to see it through.
You do not need to be without fear, you do not need to have the money, or the time. You need to have the commitment to yourself and your life. You need to know that you will stick with it. Because if you make this kind of commitment, NOTHING can stop you.
If there is something in your life that you want badly enough that you are willing to make this kind of commitment then yes,no matter what the circumstances, the time is now.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 4, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Like discipline, responsibility is one of those words you have probably heard so many times from authority figures that you’ve developed a bit of an allergy to it. Still, it’s one of the most important things to grow and to feel good about your life. Without it as a foundation nothing else here or in any personal development book really works. So today I’d like to explore personal responsibility with the help from some timeless thoughts on the topic.
1. There is always a price to pay.
“Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves”
-Friedrich Nietzsche
“Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.\” -George Bernard Shaw
“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”
– Unknown
Not taking responsibility may be less demanding, less painful and mean less time spent in the unknown. It’s more comfortable. You can just take it easy and blame problems in your life on someone else. But there is always a price to pay. When you don’t take responsibility for your life you give away your personal power. Plus more…
2. Build your self-esteem.
“Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the high road to pride, self-esteem and personal satisfaction.” -
Brian Tracy
“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.”
Joan Didion
Why do people often have self-esteem problems? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered. This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements.
That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it. And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for day.
This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you. Which brings us to the next reason to take personal responsibility…
3. Give yourself the permission to live the life you want.
“When we have begun to take charge of our lives, to own ourselves, there is no longer any need to ask permission of someone.”
-George O’Neil
By taking responsibility for our lives we not only gain control of what happens. It also becomes natural to feel like you deserve more in life as your self-esteem builds and as you do the right thing more consistently. You feel better about yourself.
This is critically important.
Because it’s most often you that are standing in your own way and in the way of your success. It’s you that start to self-sabotage or hold yourself back in subtle or not so subtle ways once you are on your way to the success you dream of.
To remove that inner resistance you must feel and think that you actually deserve what you want. You may be able to do a little about that by affirmations and other positive techniques. But the biggest impact by far comes from taking responsibility for yourself and your life. By doing the right thing.
4. Taking action becomes natural.
“Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
It is often said that your thoughts become your actions. But without taking responsibility for your life those thoughts often just stay on that mental stage and aren’t translated into action. Taking responsibility for your life is that extra ingredient that makes taking action more of a natural thing. You don’t get stuck in just thinking, thinking and wishing so much. You become proactive instead of passive.
5. Understand the limits of your responsibility.
“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” -
Epictetus
Taking responsibility for your life is great. But that is also all that you have control over. You can’t control the results of your actions. You can’t control how someone reacts to what you say or what you do.
It’s important to know where your limits are. Otherwise you’ll create a lot unnecessary suffering for yourself and waste energy and focus by taking responsibility for what you can’t and never really could control.
6. Don’t forget to take responsibility in everyday life too.
“I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.” -
Helen Keller
“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.”
-Abraham Lincoln
Life consists of each day. Not just the big events sometime in the future. So don’t forget to take responsibility for the little things today too. Don’t postpone it. Taking responsibility for your life can be hard and taxing on you. It’s not something you master over the weekend. So you might as well get started with the it right now.
7. Aim to be your best self.
“Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. Never excuse yourself.” -
Henry Ward Beecher
“Peak performance begins with your taking complete responsibility for your life and everything that happens to you.” -
Brian Tracy
This is of course not easy. But it’s a lot of fun and the payoff is massive.
- You are not trying to escape from your life anymore. Instead you take control, face what’s going on and so the world and new options open up for you.
- You start taking action not just when you feel like it. Improvement isn’t about short spurts once in a while. Consistent action is what really pays off and can help you achieve just about anything.
- You build your self-esteem to higher levels. And may discover that many smaller problems you experience regularly such as negative thinking, self-defeating behaviour and troubled relationships with yourself and others start to correct themselves as your self-esteem improves. You gain an inner stability and can create your own positive feelings within without the help of validation from other people. So how do you take responsibility? Well, it’s simply choice that you have to make.
Reviewing the reasons above – and now also the awesome quotes – is for me a powerful way to keep myself in line. Though it doesn’t always work. Doing the right thing in every situation is hard to do and also hard to always keep in mind. So don’t aim for perfection. Just try to be as good a person as you can be right now.
When you know those very important reasons above it becomes a lot easier to stick with taking responsibility. And to not rationalize to yourself that you didn’t really have to take responsibility in various situations.
That doesn’t mean that I beat myself up endlessly about it. I just observe that I have hurt myself and my life. And that doesn’t feel good. And so I become less prone to repeat the same mistake.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 30, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Along with self-care, the idea of “what we deserve” can be riddled with entitlement. However, what it basically means is that we are willing to take in the same amount that we put out -that we are willing to create balance and health in our lives.
Let’s take a moment to tune in and pay attention to what is going on inside of us.
What are you rationalizing, making excuses for, and in general tolerating in your life because you really want something and are willing to get a fraction of it because somewhere deep inside you believe that might be the best you are going to get?
Or, maybe, it does not even get that conscious. Maybe you just settle before even becoming aware of it.
So, let’s wake up. Life is truly to short to be anything less than our full and fabulous selves. It is not a matter of entitlement. It is a matter of stewardship. Ultimately, what serves this life that you are living –what affirms it.
Move in that direction every chance you get. It is a recipe for fulfillment and success.
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