by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 8, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Blame. It’s an easy thing to assign, but takes a lot of work to avoid. And yet, placing blame or ignoring culpability is what I did best for years.
As a younger man I loved my TV career. When I started in show business, I was determined to be the top host in the world – landing the best show on TV and giving it my all every week. I did land several big shows on big networks like HGTV, Discovery Channel, and National Geographic Channel; and to keep stability and make more money along the way I worked for a local TV news station doing traffic and weather. I had my goals firmly set, I had a plan for my life and my career, and I saw my finish line.
But all of that changed when I lost the three television projects I was working on within weeks of each other. In that one-month span my entire plan was wiped out, and I was faced with a blank slate, and no solid vision of where to turn.
I actually did have another plan, and I was already working it. I just see it at the time.
Since childhood I have been a student of enlightenment, motivation and serving others. When I was 10, I helped my grandfather deliver meals on wheels to his friends who were house-bound, prompting one of our recipients to remark about me: “That kid has the heart of a volunteer.” In grade school I found myself advising all my friends about their home lives, love lives, personal struggles and more. I just came naturally to me, and I had great results with it. I attended my first open AA meeting with my mother at the age of 13, and continued to attend on my own for years after.
In college I studied the workshops and teachings of Tony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, Wayne Dyer, Leo Buscaglia, and many others. In my early 30′s I completed the Landmark Education Curriculum for excellence, eventually becoming a head coach for Landmark programs in Los Angeles. I earned certifications in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Hypnotherapy and Timeline Therapy, and was compelled to absorb all I could in the empowerment world because I loved learning anything and everything I could about personal growth. All that hard work and yet at the time I did it because I loved it.
With my TV career at a sudden standstill, I was faced with the prospect of failure – a concept I previously refused to consider – but that failure was now all I could see.
I was filled with anger and blame for the people I held responsible for my circumstances. I blamed my parents, my brother, the TV executives, the business itself, and anyone else I could think of. My anger toward others allowed me to be right about my resentment, and not focus on any of my own culpability. And that’s what blame did for me – it gave me the freedom to avoid personal responsibility, and be right about my anger.
But hanging on to my resentment and justifying it with blame only perpetuated the issue and its resolution remained painfully out of reach. I pushed away friends, stopped engaging in physical activities like running and biking, and worst of all began to regret my decision to pursue a life in TV in the first place. I began to look at my choices as a huge mistake, and the depression I felt as a result was all-encompassing. I became my own worst enemy, kicking myself when I was down.
Several months later I got an email from a close friend that I had helped get off alcohol while I was in training for my NLP certification. She had just reached her 1 year sobriety milestone and was writing to thank me for not only changing her life, but saving it. She wrote that she had been lost her whole life before working with me; searching for love in a bottle, or an empty affair. It wasn’t until I helped her release her pain that her addiction could finally be eliminated. She was happy, successful, sober, and in love, and our work together was the catalyst.
The letter floored me.
After reading the letter I realized I wasn’t a failure. I was a success. My volunteer heart, my love for enlightenment, motivation, and helping others, along with my personal experiences, all added up to who I was for others in need. I was making a difference in other people’s lives, and to me that was the ultimate accomplishment.
And that was when I knew what I had to do: I stopped blaming others for what were ultimately my choices, and forgave myself not only for my choices, but for second guessing them in the first place. I set forth to discover the destiny that was screaming my name for years, but eluded my listening.
I let go of the past and all my resentment, and chose to trust my true gift as a coach and mentor. The shift was definite, and the endeavor became effortless. As my friend put it, I was finally following my Yes’s.
So, what does accountability mean for you? When was the last time you challenged yourself to let go of blame and take responsibility for your own choices? Pick one time in your life where you blamed someone or something else for holding you back or getting in your way, and ask yourself… “Who really was in my way?” The answer may surprise you. It may set you free.
“When you change the way you look at things – the things you look at change!” -Wayne Dyer
Steve Truitt is a performance coach, TV host, and sought-after motivational speaker. Known as “The Now What? Coach”, Steve specializes in the fields of addiction, relationships, and personal transition.
(more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 6, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I consistently hear from people that they KNOW that they need to work with me but they do not have enough money, time, or support to make it happen. When you decide not to do something because of limited resources, when do you know if it is a real reason and when is it just an excuse? I feel that this is a very important question to answer so that we can make the healthiest, most empowering decisions for ourselves.
So how do you know if it is the right time to take that leap, to stretch, bend or extend yourself to get something you want?
There are a lot of opinions out there on this topic. Some people will say if you have the slightest impulse to move in a direction then you should go in that direction. Lets think about this. If you have the slightest impulse to cheat on your partner –do you? If you have the slightest impulse to eat an entire chocolate cake – do you? Maybe impulse is not the only thing to consider.
The question I ask is \”What do you want for your life?\” Really want. I am not talking about what are you willing to wish for when you have a few idle moments. I\’m talking about what you want so badly that you are willing to work your tail off to get it.
Because if you want that amazing life, if you want things to totally change, you will get it.
You will see the change but you need to see it through.
You do not need to be without fear, you do not need to have the money, or the time. You need to have the commitment to yourself and your life. You need to know that you will stick with it. Because if you make this kind of commitment, NOTHING can stop you.
If there is something in your life that you want badly enough that you are willing to make this kind of commitment then yes,no matter what the circumstances, the time is now.
(more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 4, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Like discipline, responsibility is one of those words you have probably heard so many times from authority figures that you’ve developed a bit of an allergy to it. Still, it’s one of the most important things to grow and to feel good about your life. Without it as a foundation nothing else here or in any personal development book really works. So today I’d like to explore personal responsibility with the help from some timeless thoughts on the topic.
1. There is always a price to pay.
“Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves”
-Friedrich Nietzsche
“Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.\” -George Bernard Shaw
“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”
– Unknown
Not taking responsibility may be less demanding, less painful and mean less time spent in the unknown. It’s more comfortable. You can just take it easy and blame problems in your life on someone else. But there is always a price to pay. When you don’t take responsibility for your life you give away your personal power. Plus more…
2. Build your self-esteem.
“Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the high road to pride, self-esteem and personal satisfaction.” -
Brian Tracy
“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.”
Joan Didion
Why do people often have self-esteem problems? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered. This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements.
That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it. And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for day.
This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you. Which brings us to the next reason to take personal responsibility…
3. Give yourself the permission to live the life you want.
“When we have begun to take charge of our lives, to own ourselves, there is no longer any need to ask permission of someone.”
-George O’Neil
By taking responsibility for our lives we not only gain control of what happens. It also becomes natural to feel like you deserve more in life as your self-esteem builds and as you do the right thing more consistently. You feel better about yourself.
This is critically important.
Because it’s most often you that are standing in your own way and in the way of your success. It’s you that start to self-sabotage or hold yourself back in subtle or not so subtle ways once you are on your way to the success you dream of.
To remove that inner resistance you must feel and think that you actually deserve what you want. You may be able to do a little about that by affirmations and other positive techniques. But the biggest impact by far comes from taking responsibility for yourself and your life. By doing the right thing.
4. Taking action becomes natural.
“Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
It is often said that your thoughts become your actions. But without taking responsibility for your life those thoughts often just stay on that mental stage and aren’t translated into action. Taking responsibility for your life is that extra ingredient that makes taking action more of a natural thing. You don’t get stuck in just thinking, thinking and wishing so much. You become proactive instead of passive.
5. Understand the limits of your responsibility.
“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” -
Epictetus
Taking responsibility for your life is great. But that is also all that you have control over. You can’t control the results of your actions. You can’t control how someone reacts to what you say or what you do.
It’s important to know where your limits are. Otherwise you’ll create a lot unnecessary suffering for yourself and waste energy and focus by taking responsibility for what you can’t and never really could control.
6. Don’t forget to take responsibility in everyday life too.
“I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.” -
Helen Keller
“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.”
-Abraham Lincoln
Life consists of each day. Not just the big events sometime in the future. So don’t forget to take responsibility for the little things today too. Don’t postpone it. Taking responsibility for your life can be hard and taxing on you. It’s not something you master over the weekend. So you might as well get started with the it right now.
7. Aim to be your best self.
“Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. Never excuse yourself.” -
Henry Ward Beecher
“Peak performance begins with your taking complete responsibility for your life and everything that happens to you.” -
Brian Tracy
This is of course not easy. But it’s a lot of fun and the payoff is massive.
- You are not trying to escape from your life anymore. Instead you take control, face what’s going on and so the world and new options open up for you.
- You start taking action not just when you feel like it. Improvement isn’t about short spurts once in a while. Consistent action is what really pays off and can help you achieve just about anything.
- You build your self-esteem to higher levels. And may discover that many smaller problems you experience regularly such as negative thinking, self-defeating behaviour and troubled relationships with yourself and others start to correct themselves as your self-esteem improves. You gain an inner stability and can create your own positive feelings within without the help of validation from other people. So how do you take responsibility? Well, it’s simply choice that you have to make.
Reviewing the reasons above – and now also the awesome quotes – is for me a powerful way to keep myself in line. Though it doesn’t always work. Doing the right thing in every situation is hard to do and also hard to always keep in mind. So don’t aim for perfection. Just try to be as good a person as you can be right now.
When you know those very important reasons above it becomes a lot easier to stick with taking responsibility. And to not rationalize to yourself that you didn’t really have to take responsibility in various situations.
That doesn’t mean that I beat myself up endlessly about it. I just observe that I have hurt myself and my life. And that doesn’t feel good. And so I become less prone to repeat the same mistake.
(more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 30, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Along with self-care, the idea of “what we deserve” can be riddled with entitlement. However, what it basically means is that we are willing to take in the same amount that we put out -that we are willing to create balance and health in our lives.
Let’s take a moment to tune in and pay attention to what is going on inside of us.
What are you rationalizing, making excuses for, and in general tolerating in your life because you really want something and are willing to get a fraction of it because somewhere deep inside you believe that might be the best you are going to get?
Or, maybe, it does not even get that conscious. Maybe you just settle before even becoming aware of it.
So, let’s wake up. Life is truly to short to be anything less than our full and fabulous selves. It is not a matter of entitlement. It is a matter of stewardship. Ultimately, what serves this life that you are living –what affirms it.
Move in that direction every chance you get. It is a recipe for fulfillment and success.
(more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 25, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
There are some things that maintaining our victimhood gives us. People are less likely to challenge us or try to over power us. Often they are willing to give us our way if we have had a hard enough time. We have a tendency to think that we are less responsible for our actions and emotions. And, with all the privilege that we have victims actually have a bit of social capital.
The hardest thing about playing the victim is that the last thing that we want to do is admit that it is what we are doing –how embarrassing! However, spotting it and transforming it could be one of the most amazing transformations of our life.
Let’s be clear here. There are some points in our lives where we may have been victimized and there are people who experience this again and again in their lives. This has serious repercussions and I am most certainly not saying get over it to this.
However, some of us might benefit from moving on and becoming more empowered –using our power directly rather than passive aggressively with others.
How do you know if this is you? Here are some clues that you might be being a victim:
- Do you blame others or circumstances for what you do or don’t do?
- Do you feel righteous in your actions and words regardless of what they are in a disagreement?
- Do you break promises and agreements because they are not comfortable for you to keep or because of “circumstances”?
- Do you explain away your behavior and provided no one hold you to it you let them do the changing?
If you do chances are you are justifying things as being out of your control or somebody else’s fault –and that is the territory of the victim.
Here is what you can do instead:
- When something goes wrong look at your contribution.
- When you have a fight or disagreement look at your contribution.
- Honor your commitments. In the words of Larry Winget \”Do you do what you said you would do, when you said you would do it!\”
- Try to see your missteps and make it a point to set things right.
- Pay more attention to your own action and accountability than to others.
(more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 23, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Have you ever felt victimized in your life or met someone who is constantly be running the “poor me” story and feels completely powerless to change their reality? Chances are you have. We all have at one point in our lives felt like victims, but why is it that some people identify with the personality of victimization while others choose to get up, reclaim their personal power and take full responsibility for the outcomes they have manifested in their lives? And why is it that people who are compassionate tend to attract victims to their lives? Or why do victims sometimes end up as perpetrators and lash out at those who are trying to help them?
Victimization is an epidemic in our society and in this article we will uncover the minute details of the Professional Victim Archetypes and its multiple manifestations and relationship dynamics. Remember that these are archetypes, personas and manifestations of the shadow self. Do not confuse the description of the archetypes with your essence or the essence of another person, for no one is truly a victim, but rather some of us simply have chosen to unconsciously identify with these archetypes.
Professional Victim Persona:
Victim of the world. Blames everyone and everything, including their own incompetence, irresponsibility and even predatory behaviors. Victims expect special treatment or exemption from life because he/she is so fragile and decimated by tyrants. They will often attack even those who are trying to help them and may often collapse into dysfunction “you can’t expect anything from me.”
Addictions: powerlessness, worry and cynicism
Goal: regain safety
Fear: exploitation
Issue: Is “victimized” by the conditions required by solutions. In order for victims to heal their victimization they must take full responsibility for their life and its outcomes.
Virtue: once the victim persona is transcended the person becomes interdependent.
Victims point the finger of blame at everyone else except themselves. Blaming everyone (family, relationships, co-workers, friends, teachers, healers, coaches, etc.) and everything (government , media, weather, economy,etc.) for why they are unhappy and life is such a struggle. Victims do not take responsibility for their own happiness, they believe that the responsibility for their happiness is owed to them by other people. Victims find compassionate people and then blame them because they are not happy. People who are identified with the victim persona are not fun to be around because even compassionate people will eventually turn into tyrants in order to get rid off the victim. At first when a compassionate person engages with a victim they think “I must help him/her” and they do anything possible to help this person. Then the victim keeps blaming the compassionate person because they are not happy or not feeling well and then one day the compassionate person who is playing the Rescuer Archetype explode and turns into the tyrant.
Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer Complex:
If you play the rescuer and the person you are rescuing does not need it, they will lash out and victimize you. When they become the persecutor and victimize you, later they are likely to feel guilty and try to save you as well, making them the rescuer. If a person plays one of these roles then they will most likely end up playing all three. These roles tend to cycle and repeat over and over again – a classic “karmic loop.”
Victims are very addicted to the emotions of hatred and pity. They project their own self hatred to others and constantly tell their “poor me” story so that other people feel pity towards them. Victims are energy vampires and they extract energy from other people who have pity for them. Another way victims get their energy is by putting a guilt trip on everyone by blaming them. This is exactly why compassionate people tend to attract victims.
Compassionate People Persona:
If a compassionate person has unresolved guilt from past lives, the guilt makes us blind to victims.Our willingness to help other people because we are trying to get rid of our own guilt makes us easy prey for victims. Compassionate people are often emotionally addicted to the need to be needed. There is a big difference from TRUE COMPASSION and emotional neediness.. Sometimes true compassion requires us to tell victims that we will not accept their guilt anymore and ask them to leave.This is compassion because it encourages the victim to become independent and sovereign.
Victims will often say “I have tried everything” as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility and will blame the methods, techniques and healers for their own unhappiness. Many people in the coaching and healing industry are compassionate people with good intentions that unfortunately attract a lot of victims who only want to do is suck their energy and are not really committed to become their own rescuers, take responsibility and do the work that needs to be done. Although victims have tried many different approaches, many victims will keep telling themselves and other people same story of how “my life was devastated”, “I’m so unlucky”, “life has been so cruel”, “some of us are not meant to be happy” or “no matter what I do nothing works”. Their reality will never change as long as they keep running and identifying with the same story. As long as they expect other people to “make” them happy and do all the work for them NOTHING will change, they might get a relief but soon enough they will go back to their own ways. We all have seen people who have gone through incredible hardships of abuse, poverty and other misfortunes only to become people who inspire others with their stories of success, happiness and triumph. All of them have one thing in common, they didn’t let their circumstances define who they were and they became extremely hungry and believed they could defy all odds. They simply changed their story, gave it a new meaning and took massive action to achieve what they envisioned.
If you have identified with the Victim Persona it is time to clear this energetically from your field and reclaim your personal power. Only then will you be able to take full responsibility for your own happiness, take charge of your life and become ALIVE again. If you are a compassionate person or you are playing the Rescuer Archetype is time to energetically clear your unconscious guilt, the need to be needed and begin to focus on helping those who actually are willing to receive your help and will benefit from it. If you were once a victim and someone told you to leave, be grateful for the opportunity to become independent and sovereign.
Commit to eradicate all thoughts, behaviors, words and rituals that resonate with victimization, blame and guilt. Take full responsibility, embody your personal power and become the master of your own destiny.
reblogged from ascendedrelationships.com
(more…)
