by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 8, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Most people agree that self-confidence is one of the most important factors in how well we do in life.
We are born with perfect self-confidence, but that is eroded by many factors as we grow up.
Instead of focusing on the things that drag down our confidence, it is important to remember the things that boost it. Whether we are going to a job interview, a first date, giving a speech, or just getting through the day, there are some basic ways that we can give ourselves that extra boost of confidence that will win the day:
1. Focus On Wins
Have reminders of your achievements in full view so you can see them every night before going to bed and every morning when you wake up. They can be trophies, awards achieved, or anything that you are proud of. If you have no visible record, write down at least five things you are proud having achieved and post them by the mirror in your bathroom and on the wall in your workplace.
2. Remember What You Are Proud Of
List all the things you are proud of. What can you put on your résumé? What did you do that took courage? Perhaps you moved away from your family, struck out on your own, or left an abusive relationship. Things that others would be afraid of doing, but you did them. How about the people you helped? Or maybe things you didn’t do, like say negative things about someone when everyone else was. Have you gone out of your way to help someone, when others might not have?
List these things and read them whenever you face a situation where you will need all your confidence.
3. Always Give Your Best
Give your best in all situations. The outcome may not be what you wanted, but you will come away feeling good about yourself–every time you do you will come away a stronger person. Stand up for what you believe in and what is right. Defend someone who is weaker, someone who is being bullied, or someone being treated unfairly. Resist the urge to go along just to get along. Be true to yourself and you will respect yourself and earn respect from those that matter.
4. Just Do It
We all are afraid of doing unfamiliar things for the first time, but those who succeed do things they have a fear of doing. Get into the habit of pushing your comfort zone and doing things you are a little bit frightened to do. Make a list of something every week and every month. They don’t have to be huge but require some courage for you to do.
Try taking a dancing class, going to a movie alone, or starting a conversation with a stranger. See how it makes you feel after. Keep track of these things on a calendar. Review them every so often, or before that big date, interview, or event that is going to demand all the confidence you can muster.
5. Keep Building Your Wins
Don’t get into comparing your win with that of others. Your achievement is as important as anyone else’s.
Only share what you are doing with those that totally support you. Confidence builds upon itself, and the more you think you can do, the more you will attempt and be successful at. Keep adding to your win list and watch yourself soar.
reblogged from fastcompany.com
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 5, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Do you have a continual stream of thoughts negative or otherwise running through your mind at all times? Most people do if they have not taking the time to do something about it.
It is a symptom of our times and our culture. We are taught and encouraged to make all our decisions from our head and because of this our mind does what it is best at – it comes up with a million different options that often keep us ping-ponging back and forth and getting no where. So, what can we do about it? Here are 3 steps you can take:
Observation: One of the problems can be that we are not even aware that we are thinking all the time! This is one of the functions of meditation. If you are not into meditation take 5 minutes to just focus on your thoughts.
Getting Active: Being physically active helps us get out of our heads and to start to feel what is going on below our neck.
Reframing: Once you are in touch with your thoughts, you will want to work with them. So, when you come across a persistent negative thought you can work to reframe it. Reframing is changing it from a negative to a positive thought and practicing thinking and believing that new positive thought.
These three tips will start you on the road to getting out of your head. However, there are emotional reasons why we stay in our head. So very often if you are living from your head you need to explore and resolve these emotional issues so that they do not push you into your head in order to avoid them. This is a good place for you to get some help. Guidance will help you move more quickly through the challenging stuff.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 29, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I’ve heard the statement “just be yourself” so much. It sounds like an amazing thing to do, and I have wished many times that I could just do that. What I’ve wondered, though, is what in the world does that mean?
What if someone is a jerk to other people? Is it okay for them to just be themselves and go on being a jerk to everyone? How about people who are fearful of being around others and live a hermit-like life, avoiding people?
In my quest for answers I’ve found that it is very much possible to just be yourself. The person who is a jerk to others and the person who is afraid of social situations are, in actuality, not being themselves. Their real self is just being covered up with conditioned, fear-based thinking.
Our true self is who we really are when we let go of all of the stories, labels, and judgments that we have placed upon ourselves. It is who we naturally are without the masks and pretentiousness.
It is who we really are when we let fall to the floor the cloak of other people’s stuff that we have taken on.
Everything else that we claim to be when we say, “This is who I am!” is only a story.
Below are some steps that have helped me in uncovering my real nature, which is that being outside of the accumulated thoughts and beliefs that I have collected over a lifetime.
1. Get in touch with your inner child.
If you ever watch small children, you will notice just how free they are and how little they care about what other people think of them. They are happy and in the moment.
They are their true natures. They have not yet been socialized to “fit in” to a society that squashes that. They don’t care if people think that they are silly while they dance in the front yard for all of the neighbors to see.
Children are just pure love and light. If you really want to get in touch with your inner child, become freer. Play, have fun, enjoy the moment, do cartwheels in the front yard.
My son has taught me this more than anything. He has helped me to see just how stiff and serious I can be. Thanks to him, I have tapped back into something that was forgotten.
We play roles to fit into society and we suppress our true nature out of fear of what others think. If you find yourself worrying about being judged, remember that is merely just the socialized you, not the real you.
2. Become more aware of your thoughts.
You may be shocked by the number of negative thoughts that run through your mind on any given day. After so long, our reality begins to take shape based on all of these conditioned thinking patterns.
Become more aware of the quality of your thinking. Allow yourself to sit quietly every morning before starting your day for just five to ten minutes.
Yes, thoughts will come and go, but just allow them to do that without getting attached to them. Just observe them. When you are finished, continue observing the mind throughout your day.
We have so many unconscious beliefs that we have taken on over the years that were probably handed down to us from somebody else, and that we believed to be who we are. Becoming more aware of the quality of your thoughts, letting go of the old beliefs, and becoming more present can help in revealing your true nature.
We are all so much more than those old negative thinking patterns would ever allow us to believe.
3. Follow your intuition.
This is probably one of the most important factors in being yourself. I ignored my intuition for the longest time because I felt so obligated to others. Their happiness was more important than my own.
I lived at home until I was twenty-five, ignored my urges to move to a new city, and stayed in unfulfilling jobs because I was so afraid of what other people would think of me, of failing, and of stepping out of my comfort zone. Because of this, I was incredibly unhappy.
I will tell you this, from my own personal experience: When you start following the little nudges and urges that you get, you will have hopped onto the magic carpet ride of awesomeness.
It doesn’t mean that you will never have bumps in the road again, but when you are in alignment with your soul, you will always be steered in the best possible direction.
For me, it started when I followed my intuition out of a job where I was miserable, which was way out of character for me. I had nothing lined up, but thanks to my intuition, I landed back on my feet within a few months in an awesome new job.
Now, before you go quit your job, you can begin with small things, such as following through when you feel the urge to make a phone call, send an email, or take a different route to work. When you get into the habit of doing this with small things, it will make it easier to say yes to the big things, and to trust.
How do any of these things help you to just be yourself? Because they help you to be in alignment with your true nature.
Your authentic self is the real you that is beyond all of those conditioned beliefs and thinking patterns that you have accumulated throughout your life.
I was once a shy, reclusive, depressed, angry person—but I wasn’t “being myself.” While it is important to love and accept ourselves for where we are at the moment, looking back now, I see that I suppressed my true nature in order to please others and to fit in.
I began going within and doing spiritual study and practice in my late twenties, and have since become more aware of how much I was identified with my victim story, how I would play roles depending on who I was with, and just how much I cared about other people’s perceptions of me.
I had lost touch with my natural self and stuffed it away in a box. Whenever I would notice myself getting attached to the stories and labels in my head or would catch myself playing roles with others, I would just breathe and relax into the moment without any labels or judgments.
It was a challenge because I cared so much about being accepted by others. So I would ask myself, “How would I act right now if I had no cares of what others thought of me?” I realized that who I naturally am without anything else added is perfectly okay.
When you let go of the old ways of thinking, follow your bliss, and do what you love, you begin to align with happiness and peace. These are all indicators that you are connected with your true nature. You are then allowing your real self to shine forth in all its glory.
Victoria Ayres is a Certified Life Coach and writer. For inspiration on living a life of presence, passion, and purpose, please visit www.VictoriaAyres.com
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 27, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
If you are anything like me, you have stacks of self-help books on our shelves –some read, some not. Each book, conference, seminar is another person telling us what it is that we need to do to be happy. And, we read it and we think, this is it. I have it. I am going to finally be able to make those changes and be happier, thinner, more in charge.
And then what happens next is NOTHING. We go from inspiration to flat line and wonder what happened.
Well, I am going to let you in on a couple secrets. The first secret is that the answer that you are looking for doesn’t exist.
The second secret is that all the information in the world is not going to help if you don’t know how to apply it.
Bottom line is that self-help is a business and that business has been structured to make as much money as possible. So, they sell the dream. The dream is that there is an answer and if you know it then you will have the keys to the kingdom –so to speak.
It is not that they are lying to you. Many of these \”experts\” are brilliant and extraordinarily insightful and you will benefit from their work. The problem is not their work it is that you are led (and way too willing) to believe their work will provide you with –the ultimate answer.
So what will it give you? All that information will provide you with a bunch of potential insight. The problem with this is that if you do not know how to apply it, it won’t matter that you have it. Without understanding how the information fits your life and how you can personally apply it to get results you are SOL.
How you apply this type of knowledge is essential to it having any effect on your life at all and that is the piece of information that is not getting passed along. So, when trying to figure out which next step to take, look for someone who is not just talking about the answer but also how to implement it.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 22, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
In the past few years of blogging I’ve written plenty about break ups, the upheaval and uncertainty that can follow in their wake, and I’ve optimistically chimed over and over again, “Things change. Something will happen.” Those phrases are meant to settle some fears and angst about the flux of life, the unexpected, perhaps even the undesirable, and make it at least more acceptable, more manageable, more palatable. One thing that hasn’t changed over the years is my sense that, yes, things change and something will happen.
In response to such changes, I’ve previously referred to the Taoist notion of wu-wei, or effortless action. Simply put, when life is likened to a river with all of its rapids, eddies, and currents, I’ve strongly accepted the wisdom in “going with the flow,” and I’ve applied this insight to my life, especially my relationships. However, thanks to a handful of conversations with a handful of people in the past week, I’ve decided to nuance my appreciation of going with the flow, perhaps in multiple arenas of life, but especially in relationships. Because sometimes, and in some situations, going with the flow is just too easy.
As beings who grow, change, and can even voluntarily grow and change, going with the flow is too easy when it simply involves falling back into old habits, relying on old patterns, and reanimating old ways of doing things. If one is not careful, one can interpret “go with the flow” to mean that one not challenge, push, or try at all. In other words, not trying can also be considered as that which comes most naturally, the most effortless action.
If you were born an exemplar of good human behavior and that good behavior comes very easily to you, you’re amazing, go on with that flow, but this post is not for you. If, on the other hand, you are like almost every other person and have gone through any number of difficult, harsh, or even hurtful experiences throughout your life, then there’s a solid chance that you’ve developed defensive habits, patterns, and ways of doing things that were responses to such pain and hurt, stress and struggle. Such defensive mechanisms are often crucially important at various points in our lives and work to protect us when times get tough. Eventually, like the ol’ fight or flight response, we may not even have to think about such knee-jerk responses because they move us so “naturally.”
Unfortunately, when doing what comes most naturally to us amounts to employing these built up defensive mechanisms in situations that don’t pose imminent threats to our survival and well-being, such are the very habits and patterns that can actually hinder our ability to grow in healthier, happier ways. That is to say, when the river gets a bit turbulent, we already know how to fight or take flight; those things come easily to us.
What we might need to do then, perhaps without actually knowing yet how to do it, is resist the tendency to do what comes most naturally, to not go with the flow.
Here’s an example from the abovementioned conversations: Imagine that one encounters a fork in the relationship river where one can either continue working on the relationship or end it. If one repeats after me, “Well, things always change. Something will happen,” then there might be little incentive to work, to stay, to put in effort to continue with what one has right now. In fact, one might be so astute to know that, even in light of such a big change as the end of a relationship, he or she will ultimately be okay and something else will happen. Of course this is true. If you are alive right now and well enough to tell, then you’ve made it through the changes. What a happy thing to do deduce.
But then again, if one is apt to float away, move on, and go with the flow in that sense – if ending a relationship and leaving to go to the next thing is what comes very easily – then maybe this shouldn’t be the preferred option if what one seeks is growth.
To carry on with the river metaphor, maybe there are times when it is appropriate to paddle, to tread, perhaps even to the point of building up new muscles (which always requires some degree of pain and effort but eventually, as one gets stronger, using those muscles gets easier), to fight the current of our defenses. Maybe there are times when it is better for us, and for those with whom we frequently interact, to not go with the flow of what comes most naturally to us. Because some times, some times, if we’re not careful, we can too easily be hurtful, careless jerks to one another.
Learn more about Cori Wong here
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 20, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
What I think is funny is that when you are out there looking for advice you can find it every perspective imaginable. What one self-help guru says another contradicts. Basically if you want to believe something is true you can find someone who will tell you that your way of doing things is the right way. You know why this is? Because there is some truth in everything.
There is not an answer. There is just an unfolding.
Over this last week, I have watched my tendency to push. I am definitely someone who can get stuff done. But, what I have not learned as well is how to allow things to happen to receive the things that come my way. So, I thought I would write about it a bit this week and look at when to push and when to \”go with the flow\”.
I\’m sure you have heard the big names say it: In order to really make it you need to work harder than you ever have worked before. You need to push and push until you make it. Well, there is a lot of truth to this. It is also important to push in the right ways on the right things AND, sometimes it is even a good idea not to push.
So, how do we figure this out? When do we push and when to we allow things to be?
The trick is not looking for THE answer but finding your own next step.
Do you have a tendency to be a bit lackadaisical? Or, do you tend to be a work horse? Chances are if you have a default way of being then you need to practice the opposite in order to create more success and fulfillment in your life.
Signs that you push too much:
- You find yourself irritated by people who walk slowly even when you are not in a rush.
- You have focused on one portion of your life and disregarded others areas.
- Your health has suffered because of your single minded effort.
- You always want more than you have.
Signs that you do not push enough:
- You have lost a relationship or work because you failed to take action.
- You procrastinate and make excuses for avoiding certain tasks
- You never want more than you have
- You have years of lists that describe what you want to do and you have not done them.
Which ever category you fall into, see if you can find a way to move towards balance this week. Do you need to push or do you need to allow? Decide on one thing that can help shift your tendency and do it today.
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