by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 14, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
A lot of times, especially when working with women, we hear that they over-give, over-accept, and over-care. These people might hear my message, “Care more” and say to themselves \”The solution to being more successful and fulfilled can’t possibly be to care more? Can it?\”
Well, actually, yes.
But, if you are one of these people, you don\’t need to care more about others – you need to care more about yourself.
If you are hurting, you are not caring for yourself. You are hoping that if you care for someone or something else that you will get that care back.
Caring should not hurt, period.
Sometimes, people get caught in the trap of shutting off their care because they got hurt one too many times and don’t want it to happen again.
If this is you, you may respond to the message, “Care More” with \”No way that always ends badly! Isn’t it smarter to make sure I can trust that there will be a good outcome before I invest my care?\”
Well, while you always want to use your head, basically, no.
If you are one of these people, I have one question for you: How is it working? Have you managed to stop getting yourself hurt?
The problem with cutting off your care is that as humans, we want to care. It feels better to care! When we cut off our caring due to fear it leads to numbness and you will not find fulfillment from being numb, trust me.
So, your solution is the same as above. You need to be able to care for yourself exquisitely to be able to care for others.
Lastly, there are people who believe it is all dog-eat-dog and that all this caring stuff is the worst. They are not on my list. In fact, they think that I am super annoying. All they need to do, is live in the world that they built…
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 9, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Recently I was looking at this top level coaches website and while we are VERY different personality-wise, our messaging was very similar. In fact, when I read some of the things that she wrote they were almost exactly what I had written on my website.
I felt my stomach turn and I started having all of these jealous thoughts.
I went from feeling abundant, successful, and really inspired by my messaging to being crabby, catty, and disenchanted. Reflecting on this experience made me think that jealousy would be a good topic to write about.
I am sure you have heard before that jealousy helps you clarify what it is that you want in your life. This is true and useful.
But knowing this still does not help you transform jealousy. It merely has you clear that you really want what another person has.
Here is a definition:
Jealousy: mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry.
I like this definition. I am going to talk about it broken down into those parts: suspicion, fear, and rivalry.
Suspicion is by definition and unfounded belief. It points out a flaw in our ability to think about our lives. If we have no proof, why would we choose to think negatively about a situation? If we find ourselves being suspicious, isn’t it better to focus on what we want rather than we don’t want until we have proof that it is otherwise?
Fear is typically experienced in response to real or perceived information. The first question we can ask ourselves is \”What is the actual harm that could come if what I fear is true is actually true?\”
Can I take care of myself in a way that decreases my fear? Or, can I switch my perspective so that I can see how things might be different?
Rival. Going again to the dictionary:
\”A person who is competing for the same object or goal as another, or who tries to equal or outdo another.\”
Here are my questions: Can two people actually have the same goal? And what is the point of equally or outdoing another person if what you want to do is live YOUR life?
To wrap this all up, in my case where I was on someone’s website and I started feeling jealousy, I make the following mistakes:
I saw similarities in what we offered.
I created a competition where one of us needed to win and one needed to loose.
I became afraid of the outcome where I did not win that I had created and then felt jealous.
This is what I could have done instead, just by shifting my mindset:
I could have seen the similar message and been inspired by its compatibility with mine, noticed our differences and recognized that we had different people to serve, and even gone as far as creating an outcome where we align with each other to help more people.
So why did I choose in that moment to be jealous rather than be inspired?
There are a million reasons. We all have a million reasons. But, these millions of reasons if not confronted will hold us back from being both successful and fulfilled.
It is not that we need to avoid feeling jealous. It is just an opportunity for us to ask some of these powerful questions, understand ourselves better and move in the direction of what we want to create in the world.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 7, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Very recently, Clarissa Pinkola Estés, poet and Jungian psychoanalyst, said of the late Robin Williams, “He learned for 63 years of his life how to be ‘the fire handler.’ That is where I would praise him, for what he has managed to do for six+ decades; handle fire, while being made of parchment\” (Estés, 2014).
I gasped after reading her words, letting them kindle again for a moment the brittle parchment of my own soul, which has itself apparently survived many conflagrations ignited by failures, losses, and challenges—as well as many other unexpected moments of ecstatic wonder, inspiration, and triumph. Indeed, Estés’s words and Williams’ career—during which we encountered him as Fool, Trickster, Sage, Poet, Hermit, Sacred King, and many more archetypal embodiments—have me reflecting on the true power of the Sacred Wound.
That which might be termed “soul loss” in indigenous and shamanic healing contexts, suffered as a consequence of life’s vicissitudes, is certainly painful and responsible for so much despair and disconnection from meaning, purpose, will, power, beauty, and love. Yet, the hunger to be whole, while leading to a seemingly endless array of mistakes and false starts, can also serendipitously bring wisdom and sow the seeds of transformation. The effort to heal those perpetual wounds engenders—or perhaps illuminates—the unique gifts that only we possess, and more to the point, that only we can deliver to the world in our utterly unique way. After all, no one else can be us better than we can. We have but to make the seemingly foolish choice to turn and face our pain, to lean into that which wounds us, to face with courage what has victimized us, addicted us, or had us on the run for most of our lives.
However, I am becoming increasingly frustrated with ever growing assurances from well-meaning memes and media that the act of turning, confronting, and fighting our demons will itself magically vanquish them and automatically transform everything in positive and helpful ways—as if the act of doing an about-face in our flight guarantees the desired outcome. Irrational thoughts don’t go away just because we dispute them effectively. Beliefs and attitudes built over a lifetime don’t give way to different ones in an instant. Addictions don’t die just because we admit we have a problem with them. Leaning into the storm does not banish its tempests, and one day those storms might indeed have their way with us. Powerful emotions can arise from very deep, abysmal, murky wells. As these fragile bodies lose strength and vitality over the course of a lifetime, we may have the will but not the strength to keep confronting the monsters, and eventually even our will could erode.
Yet, bones that break do often become stronger when healing around the break. Our bodies and spirits can develop an ethereal, silvered grace through the adventures and misadventures of our lives—just as storms and floods etch beautiful lines and curves into rocks, trees, and riverbeds.
Authentic heroism and greatness do not expect, demand, or depend on success. In the best stories, the goal or objective of the quest actually plays a minimal part in comparison to the courage, passion, and integrity of the hero or heroine. These qualities arise out of the decision to remain true to oneself even in the face of doom and failure. Happiness, is not after all, everything.
Moreover, what we understand to be “mental health” might be a chimera against a reality that is itself meaningless, arbitrary, and “insane.” Our artists, poets, actors, mystics, and crazy people—and perhaps some teachers as well—live on or close to that edge of realization, where there is much terrible beauty and beautiful terror.
By no means is a deliberate exposure to being abused repeatedly by those who have shown themselves to be chronically malicious and untrustworthy a good or noble thing to do. Yet sometimes, when heart and body together experience a moment of rightness in a relationship or context, an unprecedented opportunity or growth may present itself. In such a moment, being deliberately, honestly vulnerable—particularly after all that has demolished us and that perhaps continues to wound us—is possibly one of the greatest acts of courage, insanity, and strength that we could ever imagine or embody. To show our tenderness and risk being torn apart again can be an act of power.
Talking about our vulnerability with someone that we hope is trustworthy is admirable, deserving of validation and support, even as it may risk scorn and judgment from others. Actually embodying it, though, in particular moments is wonderful and takes breathtaking courage. It empowers us to be windows on Beauty for those who have eyes to see it, appreciate it, and be inspired by it. Actually living it in an ongoing way reminds me again of Estés’ metaphor of the parchment that holds fire—a life lived fiercely and fully, most likely for a span that passes all too quickly, albeit unapologetically.
That parchment will not be of long duration, and how tragic for those who might never witness directly the beautiful flame it holds. But what wonder is there for those who do, and what secret language written upon it might be momentarily revealed in the heat of the flames?
Read more articles by Drake Spaeth here
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 2, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
There are rich people who are miserable and poor people who are happy and there are people who are terminally ill who seem more alive than the healthiest person… So what is the secret to happiness when the things that we seek or seek to preserve don\’t necessarily insure our happiness?
When it comes down to it, how we feel each moment-to-moment, is the greatest asset we have. It is the only thing we should use to measure our life and our work.
But quite often, I hear people say that they go hours and even days without knowing how they feel. They have so much to do that they are on autopilot for all or most of it.
Is this you?
Have you had enough?
I know that this last year pushed me to the point where I was not willing to settle for feeling badly and waiting to feel good.
I was no longer going to be with people that did not feel good to be with. I was no longer going take advise from people who were just pretending to “have it all,” and, I was no longer going to make choices that limited my sense of fulfillment or had me living someone else’s version of success.
And, it was the best thing I ever did.
So how about you? Are you ready?
The secret is that there is nothing in your way. It is so easy to find a circumstance that stands between you and your fulfillment but all you need to do is decide.
Decide that your happiness is the most important thing you will ever have and claim it. Decide that anything that is not your happiness should be discarded.
Let’s start a revolution! Let’s end suffering! Let’s be free.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 31, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Sometimes we try to show the world we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone, but we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of who we think others want us to be, we open ourselves up to real relationships, real happiness, and real success.
There is no need to put on a mask. There is no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You have nothing to prove to anyone else, because…
1. The people worth impressing just want you to be yourself.
In the long run, it’s better to be loathed for who you are than loved for who you are not. In fact, the only relationships that work well in the long run are the ones that make you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself, and without preventing you from outgrowing the person you used to be.
Ignore the comparisons and expectations knocking at your door. The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday. Prove yourself to yourself, not others. The RIGHT people for you will love you for doing so, and they will appreciate all the things about you that the WRONG people are intimidated by. Bottom line: Don’t change so people will like you; be patient, keep being your amazing self, and pretty soon the RIGHT people will love the REAL you.
2. No one else really knows what’s best for YOU.
Don’t lose yourself in your search for acceptance by others. Walk your path confidently and don’t expect anyone else to understand your journey, especially if they have not been exactly where you are going. You have to take the steps that are right for you; no one else walks in your shoes.
Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being true to yourself, you put something breathtaking into the world that was not there before. You are stunning when your passion and strength shines through as you follow your own path – when you aren’t distracted by the opinions of others. You are powerful when you let your mistakes educate you, and your confidence builds from firsthand experiences – when you know you can fall down, pick yourself up, and move forward without asking for anyone else’s permission.
3. YOU are the only person who can change YOUR life.
In every situation you have ever been in, positive or negative, the one common thread is you. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to recognize that regardless of what has happened up to this point in your life, you are capable of making choices to change your situation, or to change the way you think about it. Don’t let the opinions of others interfere with this prevailing reality.
What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends entirely on what you choose to do with your time and energy. So stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Just keep living your truth. The only people that will fault you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.
4. Society’s materialistic measurement of worth is worthless.
When you find yourself trapped between what moves you and what society tells you is right for you, always travel the route that makes you feel alive – unless you want everyone to be happy, except you. No matter where life takes you, big cities or small towns, you will inevitably come across others who think they know what’s best for you – people who think they’re better than you – people who think happiness, success and beauty mean the same things to everyone.
They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are. But you know better than that – material things don’t matter. Don’t chase the money. Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive. Go for the things of greater value – the things money can’t buy. What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth. If you’re lucky enough to have any of these things, never sell them. Never sell yourself short.
5. Life isn’t a race; you have nothing to prove.
Everyone wants to get to the top of the mountain first and shout, “Look at me! Look at me!” But the truth is, all your happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing, not while you’re sitting at the top. Enjoy the journey by paying attention to each step. Don’t rush through your life and miss it. Forget where everyone else is in relation to you. This isn’t a race. You get there a little at a time, not all at once.
Let go of the foolish need to prove yourself to everyone else, and you’ll free yourself to accomplish what matters most to you. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that you don’t have to always be and do what everyone else is being and doing.
6. The path to all great things passes through failure.
You are an ever-changing work in progress. You don’t have to always be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong. Screwing up is part of the process. Looking like a fool sometimes is the only way forward. If you try too hard to impress everyone else with your “perfection,” you will stunt your growth. You will spend all your time looking a certain way, instead of living a certain way.
It’s impossible to live without failing sometimes, unless you live so cautiously that you aren’t really living at all – you’re merely existing. If you’re too afraid of failing in front of others, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to be successful in your own eyes. You have to remember that it doesn’t matter how many times you fail or how messy your journey is, so long as you do not stop taking small steps forward. In the end, those who don’t care that failure is inevitable are the ones that reach their dreams. YOU can be one of them.
7. It’s impossible to please everyone anyway.
Some people will always tell you what you did wrong, and then hesitate to compliment you for what you did right. Don’t be one of them, and don’t put up with them.
When you run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you and treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all, don’t consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval. And be sure not to leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply walk away and let karma deal with the things they say and do, because any bit of time you spend on these people will be wasted, and any bit of hate and aggravation in your heart will only hurt you in the end.
Afterthoughts
You don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks. You are enough right now. You have nothing to prove. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. You will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the validation only YOU can give yourself.
Reblogged from Marc Chernoff\’s site www.marcandangel.com (more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 28, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
The Economics of Too Many Projects
It’s easy to get caught up in a good idea. You buy the domain immediately, and get to work.
Wait 48 hours.
I learned about the 48 hour rule from Dan and Ian, and it’s so money.
If in 48 hours you still think you have an excellent idea, then start planning and see where it goes.
Think about it, if you’re going to create 100 niche sites that’s over $1k/annually in domain registration alone. Not to mention creating content, hosting the sites, keeping everything up to date and fresh – that get’s really expensive, really quickly.
Especially when the majority of your sites are probably never going to be profitable.
Now imagine if you had one site that you put the same amount of time and money into. In my experience, most people are better off creating one site than dozens. It’s easier to provide value and in turn become profitable than it is with tons of small sites or projects that die before even getting off the ground.
So, How Do You Decide What Project to Take On?
When you’re first getting started, I’m a firm believer that you should pick one project or business model and ride that out until you’re absolutely confident in your ability to take on something new.
I started out building my skills and writing this blog. It was over a year before I started my next (personal) site, Daily HDR. It was a great idea in theory, but now it hasn’t been updated in months.
Realistically I didn’t take on a personal project that was successful until almost 18 months after beginning the first one.
Why?
Because everything I did on the first business (the blog), was laying the foundation for the next one, Overcoming the Fear of Uncertainty.
I was building skills, establishing expertise, and garnering a small following to put myself in a good spot to be successful.
Then slowly but surely, I began adding other projects to my core business.
Everyday I have a new idea for a fun project, and sometimes I’ll even buy a domain. However, I don’t go full speed ahead until I know the following:
- That there’s a need for what I’m providing
- That there’s the potential to profit
- That I have both the interest and the time to invest in the new project
So, how should you go about finding new projects? Here’s what I do:
Step #1: Assess Your Current Situation
What’s your current goal? Do you just want a little side business built around a hobby? Do you want something that will allow you to travel the world? Do you want to become the next millionaire entrepreneur?
Each of these goals has a different startup path.
Assess where you are, and then make sure you have the skills necessary to get started.
Step #2: Pick the ONE Project that Will Get You Closest to Your Goal Fastest
Are you trying to build a business as quickly as possible so you can quit your job and travel? Then stop trying to create a bunch of bullshit affiliate sites and start freelancing.
Pick one specialty, become a relative expert, and then get clients.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Freelancing is the best way to build your first business online.
Step #3: Stabilize the Business
Do you know how much money you’re going to bring in every month? Do you have clearly defined processes for managing clients and finding new ones? Is work coming to by word of mouth? Are you beginning to become well known in your niche?
Great, keep that going.
Before taking on any new, significant projects you want to make sure you have a solid base and are able to manage your current situation.
Step #4: Reassess Your Priorities and Select the Next Project
The chances are, whatever you choose to freelance in isn’t going to be something your totally passionate about. It’s going to be a means to being able to live out the things you are passionate about.
Once you’re freelance business is stable, then you can start thinking about other projects you want to take on that are more directly in line with what you like to do.
Two years after I began Location 180, we started up HDR Software. Once that was stable, Location Rebel was born. Then it wasn’t until a year later that Hacking the High Life was released.
Each of those are businesses built around fundamental interests of mine, but none of them started until the previous one was completely stable.
Step #5: Repeat
This is the thought process I go through every time I’m going to begin something that I know will be a significant investment of my time and money:
- Assess where I’m at
- Decide which project will get me to my desired goal the fastest
- Begin and stabilize the business
- Reassess priorities, and find the next opportunity.
Am I saying that you should absolutely, no matter what just take on one project or business? No, I’d be a complete hypocrite if that’s what I was suggesting. I love having multiple projects; it’s what keeps everything fresh and interesting for me.
However I am saying you should do your best not to overextend yourself. Once you have a base, each future project gets easier and easier to take on, because of the work you’ve put in previously.
Put in the work up front to build your core, and then expand into the fun stuff down the road.
See more at SeanOgle.com
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