by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 19, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
It’s a part of our human experience to have defenses—though quite frequently, these defenses create problems for us. They change what we are able to get out of our relationships or what we are able to receive and develop in our lives, leaving us to wonder how we can work with them to be most productive in the way that is best for us.
Being defensive is a totally normal human response. However, often, if someone says you’re being defensive, the immediate reaction is to feel like you have done something wrong and should not be acting that way. In truth, that response is often the other person’s defense. If they call you out, then they have the upper hand.
The first step is just accepting the fact that it’s OK to be defensive. When you are, it is an opportunity to learn. Our defenses show us how we have been hurt or what needs of ours have not been met in the past, usually in our childhood and then even more throughout our lives afterward.
How and when we get defensive shows us how and why our defenses developed. They show us what it is that we need in order to better care for ourselves: underneath every defense is a lot of information about how we can actually grow and develop.
If you find yourself getting defensive in a situation, you can ask yourself, “What is it that I am afraid of?” (The “Biggest Fear” quiz on my website can help you get clarity about your greatest fears. See the end of this article for the link) In truth, we have an assortment of fears that lead to our being defensive, but as the quiz will show you, there are certain fears that are more intense than others. When we recognize what they are, we can do something about them.
For example, when we recognize that we have a need for safety or a fear of losing contact, being controlled or betrayed, we have gathered important information. We know that this has happened repeatedly in our life and is something that needs our attention.
If we have a need for safety, for example, the way to decrease our defense against this is to learn how to create safety for ourselves. That’s the healing step forward.
After we have cared for ourselves in this way, we ultimately transcend the problem and can truly be free. That\’s is how you heal from learning about and taking care of your defenses.
But to start the process, we must give ourselves what we need, regularly and consistently. If we engage in this deep level of self-care, we’ll be able to really heal from what has happened in the past. There are a number of different ways that we can attend to these wounds. We can learn to provide what we need for ourselves and we can learn how to receive it through the support of the people around us.
Once we are clear that we are being defensive, why we are being defensive, and then provide for that need, we’ll see ourselves getting softer, more open, and more flexible. Our strength will return to each situation that would have previously been challenging so that we’re able to respond in a way that is less defensive and more connective.
And, in the end, when we do this, it gives us more of what we want.
If you\’re curious to discover what is hidden behind your defenses, take my quiz!
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 11, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
Pleasure gets limited airtime in the personal development world. We talk about happiness, fulfillment, and other positive states, but pleasure somehow feels a bit more challenging to engage with.
It often goes in one of two directions: Pleasure gets entirely left out as we focus on goals and purpose, or it\’s implied that after you reach your goals or develop your purpose, pleasure will be the result—once you are successful, then you will fully enjoy your life and feel regular pleasure. In either case, it becomes a silent but active participant in evaluating our goals and activities in life. If we are not feeling pleasure, we can wonder if we are going in the wrong direction or didn’t actually make the good choices we thought we had. This may or may not be true.
I want to talk a little bit about both of these approaches to pleasure because they\’re both really informative.
When pleasure is seen as an end result or gets left out entirely, life becomes quite dry. For example, you might achieve your goals, but even when you get them you find yourself less than thrilled about your life. You might see a large degree of success in many different ways, but you are not actually enjoying the benefits of the work that you\’ve done. Along with misguided thinking that creates this perspective comes a lack of skill in how to experience pleasure. We actually have to learn how to embody pleasure in many different ways before we can add meaning to the hard work we do to reach our goals. When we do, we start not only to reach our goals but to enjoy them.
When we live believing that we should always feel good (regardless of how conscious this belief is) and we evaluate our life predominantly through this lens, we deaden our experience and ultimately decrease our pleasure. Very important things happen in our lives that don\’t exactly come with a lot of pleasure, such as difficult realizations, moments of transformation, and moments of embracing the more difficult aspects of ourselves. These moments don\’t necessarily feel good as we move through them, but the discomfort is not a sign that we are doing something wrong. In fact, if we allow ourselves to feel discomfort, the end result is that we embrace a whole new level of pleasure.
Pleasure is something to pay close attention to. If you do not, then chances are you\’re not working with it as effectively as you could be.
If you start to pay attention to where pleasure is in your life, it shows where you might want to spend more time or where you might want to direct your energy. If you\’re noticing that there is an absence of pleasure, even if you are meeting your goals and expectations, you\’re doing your life in a less successful way than if you were meeting all your goals and having pleasure. In this case, you might want to look at how you can bring more pleasure into your daily life.
Exploring pleasure and how it informs your experience is really a very important component of our overall growth process. It is something that I very much enjoy working on with people in my intensives and any of my programs, because as we start to work with it, so much of our life changes.
How does exploring pleasure distract from or move us toward self awareness? Find this video and more videos that support your personal development here: The Wisdom and Distraction of Pleasure
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jan 18, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Empowered Action, Self Awareness, Uncategorized
After almost 150 years of emphasizing problems in psychological practices, we have begun to see the limited results of these efforts. What we’ve learned is that change, i.e. productive, healthy, personal growth, is limited by a continual emphasis on the past. The more that we keep ourselves connected to past feelings, thoughts, and behaviors the less room there is for us to create something new and different.
In his book, Becoming Supernatural: How Common People Are Doing the Uncommon, Dr. Joe Dispenza discusses our addiction to stress and negativity. He states that we are so familiar with stress and negativity that we have a difficult time creating something new. He believes we can train our minds to let go of this stress and negativity focus. When we do, it frees up a lot of energy which can then be used to create what we really want in our life.
Knowing how to shift out of a state of stress and negativity implies good things for our future but it’s not the total picture of what is necessary to create transformation. We cannot simply apply positive thinking and bypass the hard work that needs to be done and expect to get non-stop great results. Our growth is also dependent on our ability to integrate the past. However, we often stay looking at the problem long after it’s been resolved … we do not move on and create something new and better in our life.
There are many tools that can help us move forward toward a new and better future. One of these tools is being intentional. Being intentional is the difference between being on a slow-moving river in a canoe without a paddle or being in that canoe with one. Without the paddle you still move in the intended direction, but you’ll move more slowly and often get hung up on things along the way. With the paddle, the current works for you, while you make the most out of it by intentionally steering. You more easily avoid obstacles and you will most definitely reach your destination faster.
When you set an intention for each day, you are picking up your paddle. Not much else has changed, but this one tool makes a huge difference in how things go.
Throughout each day, many things are vying for our attention. By setting an intention, we’re able to help ourselves in the following ways:
1. Direction: Where our attention goes our energy flows. When we set an intention, we help direct our energy so we get more of what we want.
2. Get Back On Track: When life events hit and throw us off our track, our intention can serve as a gentle reminder of how we want to focus ourselves in any given moment.
3. Stay Aware: The act of setting an intention makes us a bit more conscious each time we do it. The daily repetitive act of setting an intention helps us increasingly become more aware.
4. Build to What We Want: Being intentional regularly and consistently helps us build our lives so they go towards what we want in life. Being consistent in our efforts helps us both achieve the results that we want—and see the progress as we go, which helps us stay on track.
5. Positive Feelings: Just the act of setting a positive intention helps generate positive feelings. Each and every moment we spend in contact with positive emotions is helpful to our overall wellbeing.
Setting a daily intention is a powerful tool that only needs seconds each day. You can do it while brushing your teeth or while driving to work. It doesn’t require anything besides a few moments and the dedication of your mind and heart.
Ready for more valuable information to support your personal development? Watch one of Dr. Kate\’s fee videos here: Free Online Workshops
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jan 12, 2018 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog, Uncategorized
Empaths have the innate ability to affect a profound impact on the world around them. Early on in their development, it might seem as if the world is just too much to handle and that they’re more likely to be the ones changed (in not so great ways) by the world, rather than being world changers. However, with some skills and awareness, empaths can be powerful change agents.
Here are some of the abilities that help empaths be world changers…
Highly Intuitive: Strong intuition can help in your work with others, in your creative projects, and in sensing your best direction, allowing you to have a greater impact in all that you do.
In Tune: Whether at work, home, or in any other area of your life, being in tune with others helps you understand what’s needed in any given moment and how to best communicate with others.
Hypersensitivity: Being sensitive means you can feel even the minor shifts in a person or situation. This can help you take action before things become larger problems. The trick might be in the timing or in the company—just because you’re aware doesn’t mean others are. Pay attention to what type of delivery and timing gets best results.
Problem Avoidance: Your exceptional sensitivity helps you recognize problems before others do. This can be helpful for course correction in any area of life. You might know someone is just not the right person to hire or that a situation is worth avoiding altogether.
Voicing the Shadow: Many sensitive people are tapped into what is being avoided or unacknowledged and will—consciously or unconsciously—bring this information forward. This ability is a powerful tool of transformation.
Cultural Light Bearer: Your sensitivity allows you to make contact with the positive as well as negative undercurrents. Because of this, you’re able to help people connect with their potential or the potential of a situation.
Advocate for the Underserved: Similarly to Voicing the Shadow, you’re more likely to be able to understand the thoughts and feelings of those who live and act more on the fringes of our society and culture. You can become a powerful advocate for these people helping them—and us—to get things back on track.
If you’re curious about how you can better use your empathy skills to create positive change in the world, check out my Healers Training starting Spring of 2018. http://projectspace.in/work/project/katelive/train-with-me/integrative-healing-training/
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Dec 18, 2017 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Unsure how to survive the holidays when you are highly sensitive? You\’re not alone. The vast majority of people report feeling stressed around the holidays. There a gifts to be purchased, meals to be planned, guests to invite, and the ongoing fight for a few moments of peace and reflection amid the chaos. Those smiling faces on holiday cards are a promise of joy and an omen of stress. However, if you are a highly sensitive person the balance shifts towards ominous.
When you are highly sensitive the holidays can be an overwhelming and overly stressful time – a time that, no matter how early you start your annual countdown, you can\’t seem to look forward to with any form of happiness.
If you\’re like me, the simple logistics of extending your day a few more hours –during the darkest time of the year- so that you can battle traffic and bump against crowds of other stressed people in busy stores with glaring fluorescent lighting and bad music is enough to set you off the season. Maybe your triggers are more emotional and the thought of spending hours unearthing years worth of emotional baggage and trauma – and then stress eating your way through the dessert table – makes you anxious beyond measure.
Emotional, financial, sensory, or something else – your stress is valid. Struggling with the holidays does not make you a Scrooge, it makes you human. Here are some tips that those of us who consider ourselves to be more sensitive than average use to navigate the holiday season. If you find some of the common approaches to the season a bit more taxing, try these ways to lighten your load.
How to Survive the Holidays When You Are Highly Sensitive
Set your limits: Chances are by now you actually know what works and what does not work for you. Maybe it is time to simply stop doing the things that do not work for you. Often when confronted with this option people will respond by saying there is some reason that they HAVE TO do what they are doing. I urge you to question this response each and every time you have it. By beginning to set limits and getting rid of the activities that tax you the most, you will be steps closer to enjoying your holidays –and that’s the point right?
Pare down your activities: Too much for anyone is stressful, too much for a sensitive person is an even bigger problem. It is important to pick and choose what you are doing so that you are taking good care of yourself. Yes, it can be hard to say no but in the end less is very likely to be more.
Plan Ahead: Telling your sister on the night of her big holiday party that you can’t make it because you are overstimulated is going to create more of a problem for you than looking at the month in advance and making sure that you have it laid out in a way that will work for you. Another version of planning ahead is doing your shopping early or doing it online to avoid last minute stress.
Adjust the traditions: Who said you needed to do it that way? Perhaps, the way that you have been celebrating is less than ideal for you. Maybe it is time for a change. Even the traditions themselves can be adjusted to suit your sensibilities. If large crowds are a challenge, maybe you can have a small gathering on a non-main day. If a tradition in your family is insensitive to certain members, maybe it is time to try and change that as well.
Take Care of Yourself: Our resiliency goes down when we get run down. It is particularly important to get adequate sleep, eat well, and do all the other things that we know we need to do to take care of ourselves so that we have the physical stamina we need to navigate the holiday season. The more that you can take these important actions, the more smoothly we can expect things to go.
Break the Mold: It needs to be said. If the holidays are a major challenge for you maybe it is time for you to buck the system. Perhaps, it is time to create an entirely new experience around the holidays. If you could imagine a way of celebrating the season that you looked forward to every year, what would it be? Why not try that?
The bottom line is that you are not going to stop being a sensitive person. It is how you are made. So, pushing forward without making adjustments to your holiday plans will keep ending you up in the same pile of problems. Making the changes that honor who you are could leave you looking forward to the holidays. And if you do end up sitting out of a few holiday gatherings, you can always curl up with the latest issue of Conscious Creative Magazine and a hot cocoa. You can\’t beat that!
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Nov 27, 2017 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Ready to make your life what you always dreamed it could be? We don’t get there by accident. We get there by living an intentional life. In fact, the more effort that we put in the more likely we are to see amazing results in any aspect of our life. If you are ready to get started, or want to get back on track, here are some tips for living a more intentional life.
Morning Practice: The cornerstone of the intentional life. A morning practice is a way forcing a good start for your day. Virtually anything can be a morning practice. It can be a meditation, reading your priorities, saying an affirmation, or anything that fits with your personal lifestyle. By putting first things first, your morning practice shows you, and life itself, what is truly most important to you.
Develop your Vision: To create the life that you want, it is important to know what it is that you want. If you do not spend time getting clear about the direction and vision you want for your life, you won’t know if you’ve ever gotten there (and you’ll be hard pressed to make much progress at all). It is important to consciously reflect on your life and take stock of your desires for the future during regular intervals in your life, like one time per year.
Priorities: In addition to envisioning the way that you would like your life to be, it is important to be clear about your priorities for any given amount of time. We have daily, weekly, monthly, and even yearly, priorities. When we identify priorities in our life, everyday decisions become simpler and they reinforce our vision. When out priorities win out,we are certain to get what it is that we want from our life.
Create time: Literally. Living a more intentional life doesn’t mean living a busier life. It is important to block out times for “nothing,” so that your life does not become overly full. When life is too full we get stuck in the business of it all and can loose our hold on being more intentional. By making sure that there is space in our life to recharge and regroup, we avoid going off the rails and we can stay on track.
Pause: Before you take your sip of coffee, make a phone call, or do any other activity in your day, pause. Bring your attention to what you are doing and how you want to do it. Applying focus to every experience will help you in living a more intentional life. Even just the act of pausing and taking a nice deep breath will change your experience.
Declutter: Too often we are doing too much, getting lost in a sea of activities and responsibilities. Notice if you are spending too much time being social or taking care of others and begin to shift how many things you are saying yes to. Living a more intentional life is about making sure that the things your are saying yes to are in line with your priorities and your overall vision for what you want to create. Just as your time needs to have some empty space, so does your environment. Make sure that the things you are tending to are in service of what you truly want.
Gratitude: When we express our gratitude, it makes us aware of what we already have. Not only do we feel happier when this is the case but we also set a more positive tone that encourages us to stay on track with our intentional living even more.
Take care of yourself: You are at the center of your intentional life. It is virtually impossible to function in an intentional way without excellent self care. Taking care of yourself first will allow you to steer your life in the direction of your choosing.
Awareness: Whether it is meditation or the latest self help book, having a regular tool that helps you become more aware is helpful in creating a more intentional life. The more aware we are, the easier it is to both know what we want and identify obstacles to that goal. Work to see more of who you are so that you can better see your path.
Perhaps most important is this final question: Why do you want to have an intentional life in the first place? What will it provide you with? When you know why you want to be intentional then you will have the motivation that you need to put the building blocks in place to make it happen. Click here to learn how LifeWork Community can help you define your intentional life.
