by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 22, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
In the past few years of blogging I’ve written plenty about break ups, the upheaval and uncertainty that can follow in their wake, and I’ve optimistically chimed over and over again, “Things change. Something will happen.” Those phrases are meant to settle some fears and angst about the flux of life, the unexpected, perhaps even the undesirable, and make it at least more acceptable, more manageable, more palatable. One thing that hasn’t changed over the years is my sense that, yes, things change and something will happen.
In response to such changes, I’ve previously referred to the Taoist notion of wu-wei, or effortless action. Simply put, when life is likened to a river with all of its rapids, eddies, and currents, I’ve strongly accepted the wisdom in “going with the flow,” and I’ve applied this insight to my life, especially my relationships. However, thanks to a handful of conversations with a handful of people in the past week, I’ve decided to nuance my appreciation of going with the flow, perhaps in multiple arenas of life, but especially in relationships. Because sometimes, and in some situations, going with the flow is just too easy.
As beings who grow, change, and can even voluntarily grow and change, going with the flow is too easy when it simply involves falling back into old habits, relying on old patterns, and reanimating old ways of doing things. If one is not careful, one can interpret “go with the flow” to mean that one not challenge, push, or try at all. In other words, not trying can also be considered as that which comes most naturally, the most effortless action.
If you were born an exemplar of good human behavior and that good behavior comes very easily to you, you’re amazing, go on with that flow, but this post is not for you. If, on the other hand, you are like almost every other person and have gone through any number of difficult, harsh, or even hurtful experiences throughout your life, then there’s a solid chance that you’ve developed defensive habits, patterns, and ways of doing things that were responses to such pain and hurt, stress and struggle. Such defensive mechanisms are often crucially important at various points in our lives and work to protect us when times get tough. Eventually, like the ol’ fight or flight response, we may not even have to think about such knee-jerk responses because they move us so “naturally.”
Unfortunately, when doing what comes most naturally to us amounts to employing these built up defensive mechanisms in situations that don’t pose imminent threats to our survival and well-being, such are the very habits and patterns that can actually hinder our ability to grow in healthier, happier ways. That is to say, when the river gets a bit turbulent, we already know how to fight or take flight; those things come easily to us.
What we might need to do then, perhaps without actually knowing yet how to do it, is resist the tendency to do what comes most naturally, to not go with the flow.
Here’s an example from the abovementioned conversations: Imagine that one encounters a fork in the relationship river where one can either continue working on the relationship or end it. If one repeats after me, “Well, things always change. Something will happen,” then there might be little incentive to work, to stay, to put in effort to continue with what one has right now. In fact, one might be so astute to know that, even in light of such a big change as the end of a relationship, he or she will ultimately be okay and something else will happen. Of course this is true. If you are alive right now and well enough to tell, then you’ve made it through the changes. What a happy thing to do deduce.
But then again, if one is apt to float away, move on, and go with the flow in that sense – if ending a relationship and leaving to go to the next thing is what comes very easily – then maybe this shouldn’t be the preferred option if what one seeks is growth.
To carry on with the river metaphor, maybe there are times when it is appropriate to paddle, to tread, perhaps even to the point of building up new muscles (which always requires some degree of pain and effort but eventually, as one gets stronger, using those muscles gets easier), to fight the current of our defenses. Maybe there are times when it is better for us, and for those with whom we frequently interact, to not go with the flow of what comes most naturally to us. Because some times, some times, if we’re not careful, we can too easily be hurtful, careless jerks to one another.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 20, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
What I think is funny is that when you are out there looking for advice you can find it every perspective imaginable. What one self-help guru says another contradicts. Basically if you want to believe something is true you can find someone who will tell you that your way of doing things is the right way. You know why this is? Because there is some truth in everything.
There is not an answer. There is just an unfolding.
Over this last week, I have watched my tendency to push. I am definitely someone who can get stuff done. But, what I have not learned as well is how to allow things to happen to receive the things that come my way. So, I thought I would write about it a bit this week and look at when to push and when to \”go with the flow\”.
I\’m sure you have heard the big names say it: In order to really make it you need to work harder than you ever have worked before. You need to push and push until you make it. Well, there is a lot of truth to this. It is also important to push in the right ways on the right things AND, sometimes it is even a good idea not to push.
So, how do we figure this out? When do we push and when to we allow things to be?
The trick is not looking for THE answer but finding your own next step.
Do you have a tendency to be a bit lackadaisical? Or, do you tend to be a work horse? Chances are if you have a default way of being then you need to practice the opposite in order to create more success and fulfillment in your life.
Signs that you push too much:
- You find yourself irritated by people who walk slowly even when you are not in a rush.
- You have focused on one portion of your life and disregarded others areas.
- Your health has suffered because of your single minded effort.
- You always want more than you have.
Signs that you do not push enough:
- You have lost a relationship or work because you failed to take action.
- You procrastinate and make excuses for avoiding certain tasks
- You never want more than you have
- You have years of lists that describe what you want to do and you have not done them.
Which ever category you fall into, see if you can find a way to move towards balance this week. Do you need to push or do you need to allow? Decide on one thing that can help shift your tendency and do it today.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 13, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Are you into astrology? If you are you know that we are are going through something called a grand cross and this @#@$&$^ is really intense.
One of the features of this particular experience is the burning away of anything that doesn’t serve us. Whether or not you believe in astrology you can definitely relate to this experience. You know those points in time when every day that you wake up it seems like something else is getting screwed up!
It takes time to see that your troubles are bringing you much closer to where you truly want and need to be. Sometimes it is downright impossible. Still we want to move things along, we want to live our lives, and have that positive impact.
I am going to cut to the chase. Nothing is wrong. Nothing can be wrong. Even when it hurts it is still perfect. The real challenge is figuring out how to get ourselves to this place when it feels like the walls are falling down around you. And the first trick is to realize that everything is OK.
When we move out of panic, we can start to see that there is a divine order to everything. Even in the things that seem ominous and challenging.
Surrender: It is impossible to see that all is well if you are unwilling to surrender to the situation. What is needs to be accepted just the way it is. When we fight with or deny life we create a negative attachment and this perpetuates the feelings that something is wrong.
Affirmation: One of the ways to recognize that everything is perfect is to affirm the best in yourself, others and the situation.
Confirmation: Look for proof that things are working well rather than confirmation that they are not. In many ways, what we experience and therefore what we might feel is the result of what we pay attention to.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 10, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
A few years ago, Journalist Rachel Sklar fessed up to a mistake on her part. I admire her public apology greatly. Not only did she admit the mistake that critics called her out on, but she owned responsibility for the mistake, didn\’t attempt to blame others and promised not only to make an effort to fix this mistake but also to do better in the future. And because she was so transparent in her confession and apology I am willing to take a chance on her again.
Her mistake was in overlooking diversity in a list she made when she would vociferously decry such an omission by others. I have seen quite a few of these homogeneous lists and, rather than admit their error, the list makers instead often become defensive and offer excuses, making no attempts to work harder to create a stronger, more credible list.
Here is what Ms. Sklar had to say:
It\’s an omission we are fixing even as I type this, but that\’s not the point: the point is taking responsibility for it and holding it up as yet another reminder of how easily groups are marginalized in our media. Even by people who loudly complain about being marginalized.
I am one of those people — and this mistake is my fault … Except that it was my job to notice — and as someone who always keeps an eagle eye for women on lists such as these, I take responsibility for not expanding that eye further.
If this were a list of just men I\’d hit the roof, Twitter madly and blog angrily. So I not only understand why black listservs and blogs are blowing it up, I applaud it. I would too, and that\’s part of the goal in writing this post. Things won\’t change unless examples like this are held up as things that matter.
— Rachel Sklar at Mediaite: A Glaring Omission
Sklar\’s post serves as a reminder that there are many good reasons why we should own up to our mistakes. Here are five of my favorites:
1. Get a job or a promotion
Owning up to your mistakes is Good Business 101. Thinking that your failings and missteps will not be noticed or will silently be forgiven only diminishes your talent and successes. Leaders admit their mistakes quickly and then share what they\’ve learned and how they will move forward. Most importantly, they then take the actions they say they will and demonstrate their improvement.
2. Learn how to bounce back
It is also a good life skill to learn how to own your mistakes. You cannot learn from them if you are too busy trying to hide from or deny them. It is impossible to live a mistake-free life. It is also hard to learn how to stand up on our own two feet if we never risk falling down. One of the greatest benefits then from owning up to and learning from our mistakes is that we learn strength and resilience.
3. Defensiveness is not cute
To be stretched and grown by bouncing back from mistakes allows us to be taken more seriously by others as claims of perfection are pretty much unbelievable from any mere mortal. Also, attempting to shift the blame to other people is not the most honorable course of action. It makes you look weak and dishonest. Realizing that we are fallible humans makes us more attractive humans.
4. Become a better student of life
When we don\’t try to cover up our boo-boos we gain valuable perspective that makes it possible to keep our eyes open for life\’s lessons. Plus, we learn how to do things better the next time around. From actions tiny to tremendous, there are many for which life presents opportunities for a do-over.
5. Create change
Don\’t let your ego prevent you from recognizing your mistakes. You know when you\’ve done something badly or screwed up; if you don\’t make an effort to own it and correct it, it will likely stick in the back of your mind for a long time. That\’s not to say that admitting and correcting your mistake is an instant cure-all, but the freedom that comes from taking responsibility is, I believe, a crucial key to growth, happiness and the ability to move forward.
Admitting a mistake and dealing with the consequences can be embarrassing and possibly painful. You might (rightly in some cases) be concerned about possible repercussions. And your desire to come clean can potentially hurt people you care about, making the decision to confess your sins not always clearly the best choice. But I think in many, if not most, instances you\’ll be glad you did, and those around you will appreciate your decision to do so.
Do you admit your mistakes? Do you ultimately feel better if you do, or do you find it better not to talk about them and simply move forward? How do you feel when someone confesses to you that she screwed up?
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 8, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Blame. It’s an easy thing to assign, but takes a lot of work to avoid. And yet, placing blame or ignoring culpability is what I did best for years.
As a younger man I loved my TV career. When I started in show business, I was determined to be the top host in the world – landing the best show on TV and giving it my all every week. I did land several big shows on big networks like HGTV, Discovery Channel, and National Geographic Channel; and to keep stability and make more money along the way I worked for a local TV news station doing traffic and weather. I had my goals firmly set, I had a plan for my life and my career, and I saw my finish line.
But all of that changed when I lost the three television projects I was working on within weeks of each other. In that one-month span my entire plan was wiped out, and I was faced with a blank slate, and no solid vision of where to turn.
I actually did have another plan, and I was already working it. I just see it at the time.
Since childhood I have been a student of enlightenment, motivation and serving others. When I was 10, I helped my grandfather deliver meals on wheels to his friends who were house-bound, prompting one of our recipients to remark about me: “That kid has the heart of a volunteer.” In grade school I found myself advising all my friends about their home lives, love lives, personal struggles and more. I just came naturally to me, and I had great results with it. I attended my first open AA meeting with my mother at the age of 13, and continued to attend on my own for years after.
In college I studied the workshops and teachings of Tony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, Wayne Dyer, Leo Buscaglia, and many others. In my early 30′s I completed the Landmark Education Curriculum for excellence, eventually becoming a head coach for Landmark programs in Los Angeles. I earned certifications in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Hypnotherapy and Timeline Therapy, and was compelled to absorb all I could in the empowerment world because I loved learning anything and everything I could about personal growth. All that hard work and yet at the time I did it because I loved it.
With my TV career at a sudden standstill, I was faced with the prospect of failure – a concept I previously refused to consider – but that failure was now all I could see.
I was filled with anger and blame for the people I held responsible for my circumstances. I blamed my parents, my brother, the TV executives, the business itself, and anyone else I could think of. My anger toward others allowed me to be right about my resentment, and not focus on any of my own culpability. And that’s what blame did for me – it gave me the freedom to avoid personal responsibility, and be right about my anger.
But hanging on to my resentment and justifying it with blame only perpetuated the issue and its resolution remained painfully out of reach. I pushed away friends, stopped engaging in physical activities like running and biking, and worst of all began to regret my decision to pursue a life in TV in the first place. I began to look at my choices as a huge mistake, and the depression I felt as a result was all-encompassing. I became my own worst enemy, kicking myself when I was down.
Several months later I got an email from a close friend that I had helped get off alcohol while I was in training for my NLP certification. She had just reached her 1 year sobriety milestone and was writing to thank me for not only changing her life, but saving it. She wrote that she had been lost her whole life before working with me; searching for love in a bottle, or an empty affair. It wasn’t until I helped her release her pain that her addiction could finally be eliminated. She was happy, successful, sober, and in love, and our work together was the catalyst.
The letter floored me.
After reading the letter I realized I wasn’t a failure. I was a success. My volunteer heart, my love for enlightenment, motivation, and helping others, along with my personal experiences, all added up to who I was for others in need. I was making a difference in other people’s lives, and to me that was the ultimate accomplishment.
And that was when I knew what I had to do: I stopped blaming others for what were ultimately my choices, and forgave myself not only for my choices, but for second guessing them in the first place. I set forth to discover the destiny that was screaming my name for years, but eluded my listening.
I let go of the past and all my resentment, and chose to trust my true gift as a coach and mentor. The shift was definite, and the endeavor became effortless. As my friend put it, I was finally following my Yes’s.
So, what does accountability mean for you? When was the last time you challenged yourself to let go of blame and take responsibility for your own choices? Pick one time in your life where you blamed someone or something else for holding you back or getting in your way, and ask yourself… “Who really was in my way?” The answer may surprise you. It may set you free.
“When you change the way you look at things – the things you look at change!” -Wayne Dyer
Steve Truitt is a performance coach, TV host, and sought-after motivational speaker. Known as “The Now What? Coach”, Steve specializes in the fields of addiction, relationships, and personal transition.
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