by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 18, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I’m of the mindset that while I may not be the smartest or most talented person in the room, I’ll earn my spot at the table with my impressive work ethic. So, I got in early to my office job, stayed late, worked weekends—all the while obsessively worrying about my performance and my future.
Looking back, it’s obvious that my lifestyle wasn’t sustainable. But back then, I wore my workaholism like a badge of honor. The way I saw it, I had an awesome job and would work as hard as it took to do well.
As time went by, any semblance of a balanced life went out the window. I had no energy or desire to hang out with my friends, I was neglecting my health and I had become disillusioned with my work. There wasn’t one single catalyst—it wasn’t that I stopped liking the kind of work I did, generally speaking. Instead, it was a classic case of burnout: multiple, chronic stressors over an extended period of time left me totally drained and no longer performing at my best. In a few short years, I went from bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to seriously burnt out. Here are signs you could be headed down the same path.
What Exactly Is Burnout?
As it turns out, my story isn’t uncommon; many millennial women are experiencing job burnout before they even turn 30. The American Psychological Association’s David Ballard, PsyD describes job burnout as “an extended period of time where someone experiences exhaustion and a lack of interest in things, resulting in a decline in their job performance.”
“A lot of burnout really has to do with experiencing chronic stress,” says Dr. Ballard, who is the head of the APA’s Psychologically Healthy Workplace Program. “In those situations, the demands being placed on you exceed the resources you have available to deal with the stressors.”
Left unchecked, burnout can wreak havoc on your health, happiness, relationships and job performance. In order to catch burnout and combat it early, it’s important to know what to look out for.
Dr. Ballard let us in on 10 signs you may be experiencing burnout:
1. Exhaustion
A clear sign of burnout is when you feel tired all the time. Exhaustion can be emotional, mental or physical. It’s the sense of not having any energy, of being completely spent.
2. Lack of Motivation
When you don’t feel enthusiastic about anything anymore or you no longer have that internal motivation for your work, there’s a good chance you’re experiencing burnout. Other ways this manifests? It may be harder to get going in the morning and more difficult to drag yourself into work every day.
3. Frustration, Cynicism and Other Negative Emotions
You may feel like what you’re doing doesn’t matter that much anymore, or you may be disillusioned with everything. You might notice that you feel more generally pessimistic than you used to. While everybody experiences some negative emotions from time to time, it’s important to know when these are becoming unusual for you.
4. Cognitive Problems
Burnout and chronic stress may interfere with your ability to pay attention or concentrate. When we’re stressed, our attention narrows to focus on the negative element that we perceive as a threat. In the short term, this helps us deal with the problem at hand, Dr. Ballard says, “but our bodies and brains are designed to handle this in short bursts and then return to normal functioning. When stress becomes chronic, this narrow focus continues for a long time and we have difficulty paying attention to other things.” This “fight or flight” tunnel vision can negatively affect your ability to solve problems or make decisions. You might find that you’re more forgetful and have a harder time remembering things.
5. Slipping Job Performance
Not sure whether you’re burnt out? Compare your job performance now to your performance in previous years. Because burnout tends to happen over an extended period of time, taking this long-term view might reveal whether you’re in a temporary slump or experiencing more chronic burnout.
6. Interpersonal Problems at Home and at Work
This tends to play out in one of two ways: (a) You’re having more conflicts with other people, such as getting into arguments, or (b) you withdraw, talking to your coworkers and family members less. You might find that even when you’re physically there, you’re tuned out.
7. Not Taking Care of Yourself
When suffering from burnout, some people engage in unhealthy coping strategies like drinking too much, smoking, being too sedentary, eating too much junk food, not eating enough or not getting enough sleep. Self-medication is another issue and could include relying on sleeping pills to sleep, drinking more alcohol at the end of the day to de-stress or even drinking more coffee to summon up the energy to drag yourself into work in the morning.
8. Being Preoccupied With Work … When You’re Not at Work
Even though you might not be working at a given moment, if you’re expending mental energy mulling over your job, then your work is interfering with your ability to recover from the stresses of your day. In order to recover, you need time to yourself after the actual task stops … and time when you stop thinking about that task altogether.
9. Generally Decreased Satisfaction
This is the tendency to feel less happy and satisfied with your career and with your home life. You might feel dissatisfied or even stuck when it comes to whatever is going on at home, in the community or with your social activities, Dr. Ballard says.
10. Health Problems
Over a long period of time, serious chronic stress can create real health problems like digestive issues, heart disease, depression and obesity.
And If You Are Experiencing Burnout?
Dr. Ballard let us in on what to do if you recognize the above symptoms in yourself.
Take Relaxation Seriously
Whether you take up meditation, listening to music, reading a book, taking a walk or visiting with friends and family, truly think about what you’ll do to relax, and designate time for it.
Cultivate a Rich Non-Work Life
Find something outside of work that you are passionate about that’s challenging, engaging and really gets you going—whether a hobby, sports or fitness activities or volunteering in the community (along with other items we mention here, like relaxation, being able to “turn off” and participating in rewarding non-work activities).
Unplug
While communication technology can promote productivity, it can also allow work stressors seep into family time, vacation and social activities. Set boundaries by turning off cell phones at dinner and delegating certain times to check email.
Get Enough Sleep
Research suggests that having fewer than six hours of sleep per night is a major risk factor for burnout, not least because poor sleep can have negative effects on your job performance and productivity. It can lead to fatigue, decrease your motivation, make you more sensitive to stressful events, impair your mental function, leave you more susceptible to errors and make it harder to juggle competing demands. The reverse is true, too: We’ve seen that sleep can actually improve your memory. Recovering from chronic stress and burnout requires removing or reducing the demands on you and replenishing your resources. Sleep is one strategy for replenishing those resources. For inspiration, check out our tips to get better sleep.
Get Organized
Often, when people are burnt out, they spend a lot of time worrying that they’ll forget to do something or that something important is going to slip through the cracks. Get organized, clear your head, put together a to-do list (or an electronic task list) then prioritize. That way, you don’t have to keep thinking about those things because you’ll have systems in place to remind you.
Stay Attuned
It’s important to tune into the precursors of those conditions, physical signs that you might be under too much stress: more headaches, tight shoulders, a stiff neck or more frequent stomach upset. In terms of mental health, burnout affects depression, and if you’re depressed, that can also affect your level of burnout—it goes both ways. So, if the issues you’re struggling with are really serious and getting worse, you may need to seek professional help. Talk to a psychologist to get help beyond support from just your friends and family members.
Know When It’s You, and When It’s Them
Burnout is sometimes motivated by internal factors, Dr. Ballard says, and sometimes it really is a symptom of external ones. In the first case, you’ll need to ask yourself, “Where is this coming from?” so you can figure out what’s stressing you out, and how to maintain your internal resources to keep yourself motivated, doing your best work and functioning well.
Some burnout really is the fault of work. “In a survey we did in 2011, more than two-thirds of respondents said that their employers had taken steps to cut costs as a result of the recession,” like hiring freezes, layoffs, cutting work hours, rolling back benefits, requiring unpaid days off, increasing hours, etc. All that increases demands on workers,” he says. “Those are the two components that play into burnout: There are more demands and fewer resources.” To find out whether it’s time to move on, figure out whether your position is a “mismatch between your needs and what you’re getting working for that particular organization.”
reblogged from www.forbes.com
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 11, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Bubble baths, pedicures, massages, a sweet treat — all self-loving activities you think of when you think of self care, no?
After all, aren’t those sweet rituals proof of care?
Of loving yourself?
They are.
But when “self-care” turns into nights spent curled on the couch with cupcakes watching entire seasons of old shows, you may be walking a fine line.
When the delicious solo glass of wine on the porch turns into the bottle and late night ex-texting, you’ve thrown your care under the bus. When rewarding yourself with a shopping trip becomes the only way to lift your spirits, your pampering is becoming dangerous. When caring for yourself turns into distracting or numbing or avoiding, it’s time to pause. It’s time to check in with yourself — what are you really craving in those moments?
Ask yourself, ”What do I really need? Do I need comfort or care?”
When you need comfort — you’re craving warmth, pleasure, a break.
Treat yourself with sweetness and follow your body’s yearning for “feeling good.” A hot bath? A glass of wine? A bear hug from your partner? A square of dark chocolate? A quesadilla with homemade guacamole? Sex? A TV show? An early bedtime? A pedicure? A snuggle with your kiddo?
You are soothing yourself from a stressful day. You are comforting yourself after a hard conversation with your boss. You are pampering yourself after a week of doing everything for everyone else. You are rewarding yourself for reaching a goal. The comforting acts themselves are neither bad nor good. The intention behind them is the place where comfort separates from distraction, numbing or avoidance.
When you need care — you’re craving self-respect, connection, alignment. Treat yourself with kindness and honor your strengths and values. Follow your heart’s yearning for “doing good.”
Write in your journal? Swim laps? Have a soulful chat with your best friend? Create something? Declare your gratitude? Take yourself on a walk outside? Go to yoga? Cook a beautiful meal? Gaze at the stars? Say no? Say yes? Have the conversation you’ve been avoiding? Meditate? Get lost in your favorite hobby? Dance? Take the first step of your crazy goal? Write a thank you note? Call your mama? Get organized?
You are honoring your highest held values. You are making choices that may not be convenient or easy, but are in line with your true self. You are respecting your right to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be present.
There is a moment of choice where you can make a deliberate decision: CARE OR COMFORT?
Both are necessary! Give yourself what you actually need. Practice tuning into your cravings. Sometimes we get so used to comforting ourselves, we skip right to the sugar when what we really need is to take a walk. The TV can become so habitual that we don’t even realize that writing a blog post is what actually feels better at 9 pm. We’re so practiced at rewarding ourselves with a massage, that we don’t even consider that a painting class might feel like more of a treat. And gorgeous? If you’ve been sliding into the land of distraction, numbness, excessive soothing at the expense of your values — there’s no point in beating yourself up. Practice some self compassion and let today be the “reset” button. If the comfort has been gaining crazy momentum, make a different choice now. Today. Tonight.
reblogged from Molly Mahan\’s beatuiful website www.stratejoy.com
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 9, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
A teacher of mine once said, “Don’t show up as the person you think you are. Show up as the person you want to be.”>/p>
A powerful statement, but I didn’t know who I wanted to be. Even if I did, I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off.
I knew who I didn’t want to be: self-critical, self-conscious, and always focusing on my shortcomings. I wanted to learn how to get out of my own way.
For a long time, I thought improving my external situation by becoming richer, thinner, and smarter meant that I was learning. Not to say that accomplishing those things isn’t learning. However, in that cycle I wasn’t learning, but repeating the same story.
I kept trying to get from A to Z by pushing myself and always expected my results to meet my expectations. And the vicious cycle continued. I thought I’m not good enough; I’m pathetic and I’ll never get it right.
Ironically, my desire to learn continued to work against me.
It only brought me further from what I wanted. I now realize how necessary it was for me to relinquish control and create space for something other than my neurosis.
Today, I’m learning about integral awareness—taking in information on all levels, mind, body, and spirit. Not resisting, not expecting, not judging, but allowing; removing previous ideas about who I am. I have come to realize that true learning is unlearning.
Another word I associate with learning is deprogramming.
In other words, one must begin by emptying one’s cup.
Bruce Lee once said, “Empty your cup so that it may be filled; become devoid to gain totality.” By emptying my cup, I am making room for new experiences in my life instead of allowing myself to repeat toxic patterns.
In the process of unlearning and letting go, I have experienced some dramatic changes in several areas:
1. My relationships have become healthier.
In the past, I measured the success of my relationships by how well I could control their outcomes. I was often distraught because I continued to attract uncooperative, uncaring, unsupportive situations.
These days, if I attract someone who doesn’t want to operate from an open, supportive, compassionate place then I am okay with letting it fall away. I am learning to walk away, loosen my grip, and look within to understand my experience of what took place.
I recognize that I cannot look to others to heal what is broken in me. I acknowledge that I have the power to heal myself—to shift my awareness.
I push myself to stop complaining and get to work. My new mantra: the victim reacts; the warrior responds. The ego judges; the spirit absolves.
2. My relationship to my body is also experiencing a shift.
By delving deeper into meditation and other mind-body therapies, I’ve developed a healthier relationship with body. Previously, I was caught up in my appearance but not so concerned with the negative emotions and toxic substances I was stuffing myself with.
I kept telling myself, “If I look good now, I can just deal with the other stuff later.” Operating this way, I wasn’t in touch with my body. I had to unlearn a completely unhealthy approach, dominated by a feeling of separateness from everyone and everything around me.
3. I notice beauty in things I used to take for granted.
A recent experience that stood out was during a mural walk in San Francisco. I’ll never forget standing there in awe of the Mission District. I drank in the colors, symbolism, beauty, vastness, and sacredness of the images.
Connecting to what was actually going on around me, I had a deeper experience of sounds, smells, feelings, and even sensations in my body. I silenced my mind and was rewarded with the ecstatic merging of my inner self and the outer world.
Feet on Ground. Smile on face. Gratitude. Bliss. Peace. Sounds. Sensations. Light and Energy. No purchase necessary. I was truly alive, breathing, in the moment, a drug-free heightened state of awareness. Something a lot easier to achieve than I realized.
4. Writing is no longer a huge source of anxiety.
If “it’s the silence between the notes that makes the music” then it’s pretty much the same with writing. Until recently, I had a difficult relationship with writing. I had so much to say, but lacked the self-worth to actually sit down and get it on paper.
I’m no longer attached to the end result and I actually enjoy the process. Having “unlearned” my original anxiety-driven approach has provided me with a sense of freedom and movement in my writing.
I am learning how to bring together disparate elements and expertly fuse them into a polished stone. The fear and anxiety isn’t as strong. I’m opening up to exploration and possibilities; thus, leaving my former toxic relationship with words by the wayside.
5. I am finally greeting myself at my own door.
No longer so concerned with the person I want to be, my true self is being revealed through the unlearning and removal of what no longer serves me. I am emptying my cup of fear, doubt, and frustration, and am finally looking forward to raising a toast to life.
About Melodi Cowan
Melodi Cowan is the founder of Dharma Pals, an outreach program that provides seniors with healing and support through meditation. Read more of her writing on her blog, Thoughts Become Things.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 6, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Self-Esteem vs. Self-Acceptance
Though related, self-acceptance is not the same as self-esteem. Whereas self-esteem refers specifically to how valuable, or worthwhile, we see ourselves, self-acceptance alludes to a far more global affirmation of self. When we\’re self-accepting, we\’re able to embrace all facets of ourselves–not just the positive, more \”esteem-able\” parts. As such, self-acceptance is unconditional, free of any qualification. We can recognize our weaknesses, limitations, and foibles, but this awareness in no way interferes with our ability to fully accept ourselves.
I regularly tell my therapy clients that if they genuinely want to improve their self-esteem, they need to explore what parts of themselves they\’re not yet able to accept. For, ultimately, liking ourselves more (or getting on better terms with ourselves) has mostly to do with self-acceptance. And it\’s only when we stop judging ourselves that we can secure a more positive sense of who we are. Which is why I believe self-esteem rises naturally as soon as we cease being so hard on ourselves. And it\’s precisely because self-acceptance involves far more than self-esteem that I see it as crucial to our happiness and state of well-being.
What Determines Our Self-Acceptance (or Lack of Shame) in the First Place?
In general, similar to self-esteem, as children we\’re able to accept ourselves only to the degree we feel accepted by our parents. Research has demonstrated that before the age of eight, we lack the ability to formulate a clear, separate sense of self–that is, other than that which has been transmitted to us by our caretakers. So if our parents were unable, or unwilling, to communicate the message that we were totally okay and acceptable–independent, that is, of our hard-to-control, sometimes errant behaviors–we were primed to view ourselves ambivalently. The positive regard we received from our parents may have depended almost totally on how we acted, and unfortunately we learned that many of our behaviors weren\’t acceptable to them. So, identifying ourselves with these objectionable behaviors, we inevitably came to see ourselves as in many ways inadequate.
Additionally, adverse parental evaluation can, and frequently does, go far beyond disapproving specific behaviors. For example, parents may transmit to us the overall message that we\’re selfish–or not attractive enough, smart enough, good or \”nice\” enough . . . and so on. As a result of what most mental health professionals would agree reflects a subtle form of emotional abuse, almost all of us come to regard ourselves as only conditionally acceptable. In consequence, we learn to regard many aspects of our self negatively, painfully internalizing feelings of rejection we too often experienced at the hands of overly critical parents. And this tendency toward self-criticism is at the heart of most of the problems that, as adults, we unwittingly create for ourselves.
In other words, given how the human psyche operates, it\’s almost impossible not to parent ourselves similarly to how we were parented originally. If our caretakers dealt with us in a hurtful manner, as adults we\’ll find all kinds of ways to perpetuate that unresolved pain onto ourselves. If we were frequently ignored, berated, blamed, chastised, or physically punished, we\’ll somehow contrive to continue this self-indignity. So when (figuratively, at least) we \”beat ourselves up,\” we\’re typically just following our parents\’ lead. Having to depend so much on them when we were young–and thus experiencing little authority to actually question their mixed verdict on us–we felt pretty much obliged to accept their negative appraisals as valid. This is hardly to say that they constantly put us down. But, historically, it\’s well-known that parents are far more likely to let us know when we do something that bothers them than to acknowledge us for our more positive, pro-social behaviors.
In fully comprehending our current reservations about ourselves, we also need to add the disapproval and criticism we may have been received from siblings, other relatives, teachers–and, especially, our peers, who (struggling with their own self-doubts) could hardly resist making fun of our frailties whenever we innocently \”exposed\” them. At any rate, it\’s safe to assume that almost all of us enter adulthood afflicted with a certain negative bias. We share a common tendency to blame ourselves, or to see ourselves as in some way defective. It\’s as though we all, to whatever degree, suffer from the same chronic \”virus\” of self-doubt.
. . . So How Do We Become More Self-Accepting?
Accepting ourselves unconditionally (despite our deficiencies) would have been almost automatic had our parents conveyed a predominantly positive message about us–and, additionally, we grew up in a generally supportive environment. But if that really wasn\’t the case, we need on our own to learn how to \”certify\” ourselves, to validate our essential ok-ness. And I\’m hardly suggesting that independently confirming ourselves has anything to do with becoming complacent–only that we get over our habit of constantly judging ourselves. If deep within us we\’re ever to experience, as our normal state of being, personal fulfillment and peace of mind, we must first rise to the challenge of complete, unqualified self-acceptance.
As Robert Holden puts it in his book Happiness Now!\”Happiness and self-acceptance go hand in hand. In fact, your level of self-acceptance determines your level of happiness. The more self-acceptance you have, the more happiness you\’ll allow yourself to accept, receive and enjoy. In other words, you enjoy as much happiness as you believe you\’re worthy of.\”
Perhaps more than anything else, cultivating self-acceptance requires that we develop more self-compassion. Only when we can better understand and pardon ourselves for things that earlier we assumed must be all our fault can we secure the relationship to self that till now has eluded us.
To adopt a more loving stance toward ourselves–the key prerequisite for self-acceptance–we must come to realize that till now we\’ve pretty much felt obliged to demonstrate our worth to others, just as initially we concluded that we had to submit to the judgmental authority of our caretakers. Our approval-seeking behaviors since then (misguided or not) have simply reflected the legacy of our parents\’ conditional love.
Undertaking such a heartfelt exploration of what I\’d call our well-nigh \”universal plight\” almost inevitably generates increased self-compassion. And it\’s through this compassion that we can learn to like ourselves more, and to view ourselves as deserving of love and respect by very \”virtue\” of our willingness to confront (and struggle against) what previously we\’ve found so difficult to accept about ourselves.
In a sense, we all bear \”conditional-love scars\” from the past. We\’re all among the ranks of the \”walking wounded.\” And this recognition of our common humanity can help inspire in us not only feelings of habitually-withheld kindness and goodwill toward ourselves but toward others as well.
To become more self-accepting, we must start by telling ourselves (repeatedly and– hopefully–with ever-increasing conviction) that given all of our negatively biased self-referencing beliefs, we\’ve done the best we possibly could. In this light, we need to re-examine residual feelings of guilt, as well as our many self-criticisms and put-downs. We must ask ourselves specifically what it is we don\’t accept about ourselves and, as agents of our own healing, bring compassion and understanding to each aspect of self-rejection or -denial. By doing so, we can begin to dissolve exaggerated feelings of guilt and shame based on standards that simply didn\’t mirror what could realistically be expected of us at the time.
The famous French expression, \”Tout comprendre, c\’est tout excuser\” (literally, \”to understand all is to pardon all\”) is a dictum that we ought to apply at least as much to ourselves as to others. For the more we can grasp just why in the past we were compelled to act in a particular way, the more likely we\’ll be able both to excuse ourselves for this behavior and avoid repeating it in the future.
Becoming more self-accepting necessitates that we begin to appreciate that, ultimately, we\’re not really to blame for anything–whether it\’s our looks, intelligence, or any of our more questionable behaviors. Our actions have all been compelled by some combination of background and biology. Going forward, we certainly can–and in most cases, should–take responsibility for ways we\’ve hurt or mistreated others. But if we\’re to productively work on becoming more self-accepting, we must do so with compassion and forgiveness in our hearts. We need to realize that, given our internal programming up to that point, we could hardly have behaved differently.
To take ourselves off the hook and gradually evolve to a state of unconditional self-acceptance, it\’s crucial that we adopt an attitude of \”self-pardon\” for our transgressions (whether actual or perceived). In the end, we may even come to realize that there\’s nothing to forgive. For regardless of what we may have concluded earlier, we were, in a sense, always innocent–doing the best we could, given (1) what was innate (or hard-wired) in us, (2) how compelling our needs (and feelings) were at the time, and (3) what, back then, we believed about ourselves.
That which, finally, determines most problematic behavior is linked to common psychological defenses. And it almost borders on the cruel for us to blame ourselves–or hold ourselves in contempt–for acting in ways that at the time we thought we had to in order to protect ourselves from anxiety, shame, or emotional distress generally.
reblogged from http://www.psychologytoday.com
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 4, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
\”But, that is just who i am!\” is one of the most limiting statements ever uttered!
If someone would like to ensure that nothing ever changes, then this is definitely the way they want to go. What if you never needed to utter those words? What if, instead, you were able to say, \”THIS is who I am.\”, claiming your own excellence and ability to be the person you know you are deep inside.
Think of it this way. What if every great hero from the stories you love decided they were their smaller rather than larger selves? They would be pretty short, pretty uninspiring stories, right? I am not saying the hero doesn\’t face an internal conflict as he or she sets out on his or her journey. I am just saying that, if they sat down and said, \”This is just who I am,\” and never got back up, then… that\’s a pretty short story.
But we do this to ourselves all the time. We identify with our limited selves. We believe the story that this is just who we are. So we stop growing, learning, transforming and — one way or another — we fall prey to the dark side. Apathy, depression, and despair swallow us up.
Fulfillment relies on our willingness to believe we can be more — and that others might be more, too. It requires us to take a journey from our limited selves and face the doubts and fears that are in the way of our brilliance. It is truly the most fabulous journey we can take.
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