by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 19, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Note from Kate:
I see it happen every summer. The best laid plans get put aside and forgotten. What seemed so important in the Spring suddenly becomes less so as we make time to go to the beach or take a vacation.
The truth is, though, we need this time to relax. It\’s part of what helps us stay on track with our goals and makes our goals meaningful.
Yet, finding time for relaxation doesn\’t need to hold us back from staying motivated in other areas of our life. This article is dedicated to finding and keeping our motivation in all seasons.
Finding and Keeping Your Motivation
Motivation is, quite simply, the reason you do something. You can be motivated because you want a certain outcome or reward. Or you can be motivated by your desire to avoid something unpleasant.
But why is it that sometimes people think that they really want something yet don’t seem to do what it takes to get it? What happened to their “motivation”?
Some of the reasons that people don\’t follow through on their goals are:
Inattention due to ADD/ADHD
Not being clear on what they truly want
If this is going on, how do we kick-start our motivation?
If you have a habit of compartmentalizing, you might draw arbitrary lines in your life or mind. Because of this, you might lose total focus on one area of your life while focusing on the other. If this is an issue for you, it\’s important to do things to bridge the divide. This might look like keeping your goals all in one place where you can see them, creating ways of working and thinking that benefit multiple areas of your life at once, or using a coach to help you keep what\’s important in focus.
On the heels of compartmentalization is denial. We can deny how not taking action effects us or we can deny that we ever made the goal in the first place. One of the ways to deal with denial is to turn up the volume on the feelings associated with not doing what we said we wanted to do. We might ask ourselves: Is it really true that not reaching this goal is fine with me?
Many people with ADHD also struggle with motivation. They get distracted. One thing leads to other things and before you know it you\’re way off track. Often times, you have a difficult time figuring out what foot to put first. Maybe you\’ve gotten so used to getting off track that you just plain give up on getting started. If this the case, ADHD self-help books can be a great resources to help you jump-start your motivation.
If you\’ve ever stopped yourself from doing something or dreaming something because of fear, you know how crippling it can feel. In fact, many of the other contributors to losing your motivation are related to fear. The best thing you can do when you sense your fear is holding you back is to find out why you\’re afraid and then support yourself through the fear.
Sometimes the reason you don’t have motivation to do something is that what you thought you wanted isn’t actually what you want. It can be challenging to know if this is the case, but one of the most surefire ways to figure this out is to work on the other reasons for loss of motivation first. Then, if you still are not feeling motivated, it\’s time to ask yourself if you really want what you set as your goal after all.
Once you\’re motivated, how do you keep your motivation? You can:
Acknowledge your progress
Recognize that undesired results can be part of the process
Evaluate your goals regularly to keep them fresh
Delegate things that crush your motivation
Attend to your emotional state
It\’s easy to lose motivation on big projects – especially ones that don\’t yield immediate results. It\’s important to mark your progress along the way and acknowledge your small successes to keep yourself feeling motivated toward the next phase of your goal.
While I often find negative consequences to be demotivating, they do work to keep people on track sometimes. If there\’s something that you want to avoid, remind yourself that your current actions are leading you away from that.
Like acknowledging your progress each step of the way, giving yourself rewards for accomplishing your goals will help you keep your motivation up.
If you let your goals get stale, your focus and motivation might wander. What seemed like an exciting goal 10 years ago might be of little interest now. Often, the lifespan of a goal is much shorter. Make time to create and evaluate your goals on a regular basis.
If reaching your goal means you have to do a lot of things you really don’t like, it might make sense to delegate out your tasks to people who want to do them rather than trying to muscle through on your own.
And finally, it\’s really important to make sure that you keep up on your personal development. By doing so you clear out backlogs of emotional residue that keep you from moving forward with ease.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 4, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
You have probably heard me say this a bunch by now but your life is what you make it. If it is lacking passion then, it is your job to bring it back. Sometimes, this requires a mental shift. Sometimes, this requires taking action to create more of what we want in our external life. A little of both can go a long way.
Recognize that passion wears different faces:
Pay attention to what a passionate life really means to you. Maybe it looks different in different parts of your life. Maybe passion at work looks different than passion with your lover, or passion about a topic. How do you know you are passionately engaged with each aspect of your life? Write it out so that you can clearly see when things are what you want them to be.
Be vulnerable:
It is hard to feel passionate when we are under lock and key. If we are afraid to be vulnerable, we lose out on feeling connected to ourselves and really known by another person. Sometimes, showing love and showing joy can be as vulnerable or even more than when we need to show weakness. Are there places where you have a hard time being vulnerable? How can you open up those parts of your life?
Clean up your messes:
Baggage weighs us down and holds us back. When we live with a lot of unresolved stuff it stops us from being present and passionate in our lives. What grudges are you holding onto? What pain from your past is it time to let go of? Find a way to clear your past so that you can be in the present.
Let go of limiting beliefs about what is fun and what is not:
Work is not fun. Vacation is fun. Even if we don’t totally buy into that idea the vestiges of it –like I was mentioning in my note- are there nonetheless. If we think more about an attitude of passion or joy instead of an experience giving it to us then we might be a lot happier. What does an attitude of passion or joy mean to you? How can you cultivate it?
Express your anger:
Anger and passion are on the same continuum. If you have totally shut down your anger, it will be very hard to experience a passionate life. This does not mean that you should be ranting and raving all the time. It just means that if you tend to say that you “never get angry”, you might want to take a look if what you are really saying is you don’t let yourself feel angry or that you are actually being apathetic.
Make time for it:
Everything important deserves its time. If you want more of something in your life, make a point of scheduling time to bring more of it in. Just by answering these questions and making some quick changes you will see a passion infusion in your life.
How long has it been since you leaped out of bed and excitedly entered your new day? Have you stopped thinking that was even possible? Being passionately connected to our lives is possible and here are some practical ways to do it. Join Dr. Kate along with special guest Sexual Empowerment expert and thought leader, Amy Jo Goddard as they discuss ways bring passion to every area of how you live on this weeks Real Answers Radio.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 30, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Along with self-care, the idea of “what we deserve” can be riddled with entitlement. However, what it basically means is that we are willing to take in the same amount that we put out -that we are willing to create balance and health in our lives.
Let’s take a moment to tune in and pay attention to what is going on inside of us.
What are you rationalizing, making excuses for, and in general tolerating in your life because you really want something and are willing to get a fraction of it because somewhere deep inside you believe that might be the best you are going to get?
Or, maybe, it does not even get that conscious. Maybe you just settle before even becoming aware of it.
So, let’s wake up. Life is truly to short to be anything less than our full and fabulous selves. It is not a matter of entitlement. It is a matter of stewardship. Ultimately, what serves this life that you are living –what affirms it.
Move in that direction every chance you get. It is a recipe for fulfillment and success.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 25, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
There are some things that maintaining our victimhood gives us. People are less likely to challenge us or try to over power us. Often they are willing to give us our way if we have had a hard enough time. We have a tendency to think that we are less responsible for our actions and emotions. And, with all the privilege that we have victims actually have a bit of social capital.
The hardest thing about playing the victim is that the last thing that we want to do is admit that it is what we are doing –how embarrassing! However, spotting it and transforming it could be one of the most amazing transformations of our life.
Let’s be clear here. There are some points in our lives where we may have been victimized and there are people who experience this again and again in their lives. This has serious repercussions and I am most certainly not saying get over it to this.
However, some of us might benefit from moving on and becoming more empowered –using our power directly rather than passive aggressively with others.
How do you know if this is you? Here are some clues that you might be being a victim:
- Do you blame others or circumstances for what you do or don’t do?
- Do you feel righteous in your actions and words regardless of what they are in a disagreement?
- Do you break promises and agreements because they are not comfortable for you to keep or because of “circumstances”?
- Do you explain away your behavior and provided no one hold you to it you let them do the changing?
If you do chances are you are justifying things as being out of your control or somebody else’s fault –and that is the territory of the victim.
Here is what you can do instead:
- When something goes wrong look at your contribution.
- When you have a fight or disagreement look at your contribution.
- Honor your commitments. In the words of Larry Winget \”Do you do what you said you would do, when you said you would do it!\”
- Try to see your missteps and make it a point to set things right.
- Pay more attention to your own action and accountability than to others.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 11, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Bubble baths, pedicures, massages, a sweet treat — all self-loving activities you think of when you think of self care, no?
After all, aren’t those sweet rituals proof of care?
Of loving yourself?
They are.
But when “self-care” turns into nights spent curled on the couch with cupcakes watching entire seasons of old shows, you may be walking a fine line.
When the delicious solo glass of wine on the porch turns into the bottle and late night ex-texting, you’ve thrown your care under the bus. When rewarding yourself with a shopping trip becomes the only way to lift your spirits, your pampering is becoming dangerous. When caring for yourself turns into distracting or numbing or avoiding, it’s time to pause. It’s time to check in with yourself — what are you really craving in those moments?
Ask yourself, ”What do I really need? Do I need comfort or care?”
When you need comfort — you’re craving warmth, pleasure, a break.
Treat yourself with sweetness and follow your body’s yearning for “feeling good.” A hot bath? A glass of wine? A bear hug from your partner? A square of dark chocolate? A quesadilla with homemade guacamole? Sex? A TV show? An early bedtime? A pedicure? A snuggle with your kiddo?
You are soothing yourself from a stressful day. You are comforting yourself after a hard conversation with your boss. You are pampering yourself after a week of doing everything for everyone else. You are rewarding yourself for reaching a goal. The comforting acts themselves are neither bad nor good. The intention behind them is the place where comfort separates from distraction, numbing or avoidance.
When you need care — you’re craving self-respect, connection, alignment. Treat yourself with kindness and honor your strengths and values. Follow your heart’s yearning for “doing good.”
Write in your journal? Swim laps? Have a soulful chat with your best friend? Create something? Declare your gratitude? Take yourself on a walk outside? Go to yoga? Cook a beautiful meal? Gaze at the stars? Say no? Say yes? Have the conversation you’ve been avoiding? Meditate? Get lost in your favorite hobby? Dance? Take the first step of your crazy goal? Write a thank you note? Call your mama? Get organized?
You are honoring your highest held values. You are making choices that may not be convenient or easy, but are in line with your true self. You are respecting your right to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be present.
There is a moment of choice where you can make a deliberate decision: CARE OR COMFORT?
Both are necessary! Give yourself what you actually need. Practice tuning into your cravings. Sometimes we get so used to comforting ourselves, we skip right to the sugar when what we really need is to take a walk. The TV can become so habitual that we don’t even realize that writing a blog post is what actually feels better at 9 pm. We’re so practiced at rewarding ourselves with a massage, that we don’t even consider that a painting class might feel like more of a treat. And gorgeous? If you’ve been sliding into the land of distraction, numbness, excessive soothing at the expense of your values — there’s no point in beating yourself up. Practice some self compassion and let today be the “reset” button. If the comfort has been gaining crazy momentum, make a different choice now. Today. Tonight.
reblogged from Molly Mahan\’s beatuiful website www.stratejoy.com
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