by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 13, 2016 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
All too often, a good relationship downgrades into a ho-hum affair because we fail to keep up the spontaneity and interest that comes with a new love. Worse yet, even the most well-intentioned people get stumped at how to show they care for their loved one after the honeymoon ends. Little acts that once felt so rich with romance – sweet gestures like whispering “I love you,” sharing a nice dinner, or bringing home flowers – begin to lose their potency.
While these are nice gestures that signal our love for our partners, their impact wanes if they\’re the only ways we show our lover how much we care for and desire them.
In a love relationship, the things that seem counter-intuitive to everyday intimacy are the very same things that fuel real romance. Desire requires distance, surprise, vulnerability, adventure, and play. Desire for your partner gets red-hot when you\’re attentive to all the wonderful things that make your loved one different and unique.
On the other hand, things like continuity and familiarity are essential to intimacy and are so important in creating a sense of safety in relationships.
So to create and sustain a great relationship – one that\’s full of passionate, erotic and compassionate connection – you need to flex your creativity and make your partner someone you\’re really curious about. The best part is that when you get curious about your loved one, it\’ll be easy and fun to come up with creative ways to lavish them with love.
Don\’t know where to start? Try these on for size!
1. Get Your Poetic Flow On
Inspiration is within reach most of the time. So, cozy up to your inner-bard and write a poem about your partner. See if you can capture what you love about them in this expressive form. If you brainstorm adjectives, qualities or feeling you associate with this person, you\’ll quickly create phrases that inspire you and tap into the initial wonder you felt when you first fell in love with your partner. If a poem seems too high-stakes, then why not write your partner a love letter that expresses some of the things about them that you find wonderful and desirable.
Then, take a risk! Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Share your poem or letter with your paramour and notice how it makes each of you feel. The reality is that vulnerability opens the door to greater emotional intimacy.
2. Shout Out the Tiny, Beautiful Things That Make Your Partner Shine
Okay. Really want to turn your partner on? It\’s time to call attention to the million little things about your partner that no one else knows but you. When we fall in love, we notice all these little details about the other person. We\’re enamored by the way they drink their coffee or the way their hair looks first thing in the morning.
Yet soon into a new relationship, those delicious little details become familiar and so we cease to see them as remarkable.
The thing is that these little wonderful things about your partner did not suddenly become less wonderful – it\’s that you\’ve ceased to be wow\’d by all the things that make your partner them! It\’s so important to look at our beloved with fresh eyes and to delight in all the little idiosyncrasies that increase our feelings of love.
Want bonus points? Lovingly share all the things about your partner that you find captivating and attractive. Let them know how he or she is truly special to you. Trust me, this will make BOTH of you feel great.
3. For One Night, Get Indulgent
If your version of a nice time with your lover is the classic wine and dine scenario, TAKE IT UP A NOTCH!
For one night, design a fantastic, and yes decadent experience for your love. Or, get adventurous and create a totally new experience for the two of you to share based on something your partner loves.
For example, take a bubble bath with candlelight, wine, chocolate, the smell of jasmine and opera music. Or, walk in the woods bundled in soft fabrics and take turns telling each other about the beautiful things you see.
The thing is that little adventures have this way of turning you on and making you feel really alive. And this, my friends, is what passion is all about.
4. Get Busy Giving
Tap into your inspiration and find something – or make something – that will let another person know how special they are to you.
When you think about bringing pleasure to someone else’s life, you naturally think creatively and playfully about what\’s in the world and how to use it. And even better, when you give a gift your heart opens up and you feel satisfied on a deeper level.
It\’s too easy to let days slip by where we\’re distracted from what matters most. So challenge yourself to spend an hour each week doing one of these activities. It won\’t take long before you\’ll feel more connected to your beloved and more passionate about your relationship.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 6, 2016 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Yesterday I led a workshop for my LifeWork Community Program on the topic of Harmony.
All of my studies and all of my experiences have led me to the understanding that a harmonious life is connected the expression of one’s personal truth. Put another way, you’re in harmony when you’re in your truth.
While “harmony” is a universal idea, each person has their own truth that they live and breathe. With 7 billion people now on the planet, I often wonder how can we take 7 billion unique ways of being and get them to fit together harmoniously?
As we see everyday, our ways of being seldom synch up peacefully. We fight, we war, we oppress others based on the color of their skin, their gender, or their beliefs.
Yet, in the face of this apparent disharmony, I still believe that harmony is ultimately attainable.
What I call harmony is not as lofty as a utopian principal. It’s much more down to earth. It’s something that we can strive for each day.
I like definitions of harmony that refer to it as an agreement or congruity. I see it as an accord between two or more things.
Yet, all too often we block ourselves from perceiving harmony. We cultivate – and give into – mindsets that analyze, deny or set up false dualities.
These mindsets are so common it’s no wonder that people often cry out for peace. When we approach our lives through criticality, we analyze our moments so that we can’t see the proverbial “forest through the trees.”
All of these mindsets contain a common element of “this not that.” This means that we set up dichotomies in which we pit situations against each other. One example of this line of thinking says: if I forgive this person, then they win. Another is: if you want something to work, then you need to figure out all the ways it might not work to prevent failure.
Each of these lines of thinking generates a lack of harmony in our world. And this is important. We’re bold to assume that the universe is or is not harmonious based on our own experience of it.
There are ways we can look at the world through a more harmonious lens. We can choose to accept people and situations with which we struggle. We can try to see and empathize with what’s happening on either side of a scenario. We can look at how things fit together rather than how they conflict.
If you want to build more harmony into your life, here are a few skills you can practice everyday.
Acceptance: Acceptance is the opposite of denial. Yet, it’s not as simple as adopting a belief or idea. Rather, it’s the ability to let go of the struggle, regardless of whether that struggle is rooted in reality or fantasy.
Curiosity: If we inquire into that which we disprove or deconstruct, we can learn how it works rather than how it doesn’t work.
Unity: If we allow many ideas to exist alongside one another rather than thinking in terms of either/or, we open to a new world of possibilities. It’s not about making all ideas line up. Rather, its about allowing them to exist in their multiplicity.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 27, 2016 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Creativity is a big buzz word these days, particularly in the business world. I’ve come across a lot of articles that talk about the benefits of cultivating creativity in your personal and professional life. And for the most part, I tend to agree with them.
But what these articles tend to miss is that creativity is a collective process. They tend to perpetuate the myth that creativity is a mysterious, solo act. And this simply isn’t true.
Creativity has as much to do with how you respond to yourself as it does with how you respond to your environment. It requires that you say “yes” to yourself more. “Yes” to daydreaming a new solution to a vexing problem. “Yes” to the fact your “out-of-the-box” idea might actually be the right idea.
But creativity also requires that we say “yes” to others more, especially when it pertains to our passions and life purpose. It requires that we say “yes” more to inviting the input, feedback and support of those we trust most.
All too often, we safeguard against failure and risk as we contemplate acting on our “crazy” dream or goal. This limits our capacity for creativity and innovation and keeps us further from our dreams.
This is where creative thinking is essential. It connects us to a greater sense of possibility. It also connects us to our authentic self. When we tap into our creative self, we quickly realize that the “only one right way” myth really isn’t true. What is true is that there are always limitless options. Yet, we’re conditioned to ignore this limitlessness.
Here are several ways that you can boost your creative energy in your life.
1. Support All Answers: There is a basic tenet behind becoming a more creative thinker: say yes before you say no. Many people think the first step is engaging their logical mind to determine if an idea is good or not. However, bad ideas are often the fodder for really great ideas. When we get all ideas out on the table, the options – and especially the good options – multiply exponentially.
2. Encourage Involvement: Regardless of where you’re at with an idea, this point always applies. When you encourage involvement, you’re open to each and every person who is willing to put in their two cents. Why do you want to do this? Because this helps your idea become as powerful and innovative as possible. This doesn’t mean you take every opinion at equal value. It means you engage as many people as possible so that you can learn about the strengths and weaknesses of your idea while it’s in development.
3. Think Outside the Box: When you do these first two things, you set the stage for the third. The primary ingredient for creativity is a willingness to look where no one has looked before. This is why it’s so important to listen to all ideas. Wacky ideas exist outside of the box and they help us find the good ideas that are also out there. If you feel stuck, you might benefit from seeing what ideas or people you have not been willing to enlist to get you to think more creatively.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 20, 2016 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
One thing I hear over-and-over again from people is that they’re afraid to fail.
They’re afraid of what others will think about them if they fumble towards their goals. They’re afraid to endure the pain of falling short or failing. And so, they make their fears their reality. They stop short on realizing their goals or don’t take action in the first place.
I certainly have feared failure. And my fear has, at times, paralyzed me.
If you’ve experience this, then you know how much it sucks.
Sometimes fear of failure is rooted in perfectionist tendencies. Perfectionists never feel good enough. When they realize they’ve made a mistake, it’s enough to take them down into a place of self-criticism and self-shame. Often times, this stops perfectionists from doing anything at all.
A perfectionist streak can hurt your health, career and relationships. This is because it exacerbates fears of failure so much so that you don’t reach for your goals at all. Compounding this is the internal judgment and negative dialog that’s part of the perfectionist’s tool box and are used as weapons against themselves for not achieving what they deeply want to achieve.
If you relate to this, there’s hope! You can change your perfectionist tendencies by embracing your limitations and failures. This isn’t an easy thing to do. It takes ongoing patience, but it can be learned.
Here are five things that you can do to become less of a perfectionist.
1. Stop performing: Do you find yourself making everything polished and perfect? Does everyone think you’re amazing – all the time? It can be great to be amazing. But know what’s even better? Being liked for who you really are! Instead of perfection, aim for genuine.
2. Lean into your mistakes: If you’re screwing up, let yourself screw up. It can even be fun. Take it from me – a self-professed serious person. Make a point of not taking YOURSELF to seriously.
3. See your mistakes as opportunities: There is something to be gained from every time we fail. How can you turn the coal of your moment into a diamond?
4. Give credit to and enjoy your strengths and limitations: A funny thing happens when you embrace either your strengths or limitations – you become better able to embrace its opposite. This means you increasingly step into your full self.
5. See it as a gift: When you’re willing to accept your limitations, everyone around you breathes a bit easier. This is because when you accept your shortcomings, you create an environment of love and acceptance that helps helps everyone around you heal themselves.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jan 30, 2016 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
“He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.”
― Lao Tzu
Throughout history, religious and mystical teachers have emphasized the importance of knowing yourself. They have universally recognized inward inquiry as the path toward wisdom and outward fulfillment.
In the 20th century, psychology ushered in a new arena for this inquiry. Psychology – and its effect on our social consciousness – kick-started the now 10-billion-dollar self-help industry, which provides everything from genius insight and guidance to quackery.
Sadly, the personal development industry often sells ineffective solutions to the human condition. This is because personal development authors and leaders don’t consider the actual mechanism necessary to produce the solution desired. For example, an author or leader might stress the importance of knowing oneself, but fail to realize that most people don’t know what this actually means.
The greatest example of this disconnect is the longstanding insistence that telling one’s story and understanding one’s past is sufficient to create change. This thinking states that someone who told their story and rooted through their past and – yet – things had not changed for them must have some part of them left uncovered.
Jung, whose insights penetrated far past the interpretations of his work, said: “I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”
A camp of psychologists called Behaviorist challenged this insistence. Their work began by extrapolating how to create change based on the behavioral patterns they observed in mice. They focused on changes to behavior in place of changes to understanding.
While the field of psychology learned quite a bit from these differing approaches, I believe they each largely missed the mark in their attempt to help a person thrive within the human condition.
Fulfillment doesn’t simply come when we change our behavior nor does it come when we excessively comb through our past. Rather, it’s the result of the wisdom gained from internal inquiry expressed through our day-to-day experience.
Jesus said, “He who has not known himself does not know anything, but he who has known himself has also know the depth of all.”
Unfortunately, the path to apply this knowledge is nowhere to be found in religious texts. There have been many superficial maps that guide the way to self-knowledge. Most often, these maps are dictates for social conduct. The actual guidance is only spoken about in mystical traditions.
The way I see it, wisdom is the key that opens the door to our selves and self-knowledge. We’re able to create inspired lives that make a difference when we rely on and apply our wisdom.
So, how do we apply our wisdom and access our deep self-knowledge?
I say start with Self-Love! To me, self-love is the total acceptance of ALL of who you are.
Yet – if I had a dime for every time someone asked me: “How can I start loving myself” or “What does self-love even mean?”
If you Google self-love, you’ll get a lot of answers like “do what you love” and “pay it forward.” While these practices help, they generally don’t get us there because they emphasize behavioral shifts alone.
You can read this quote and quite likely it touches you in some way. “You can search through the entire universe for someone more deserving of your love and affection than yourself and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself as much as anyone in the universe deserve your love and affection.” Buddha
You KNOW it’s true. But how do you actually get there?
The mechanism for getting there begins with looking inward – to begin the search for your deeper nature inside yourself. This, however, is only one half of the process. As you look in, you must look outside yourselves and begin to take normal and prescribed action in your world. At this juncture you either gain more wisdom and fulfillment or more pain based on how you apply the information you receive. You can see what happens next as guidance in the direction of your true nature or you can see it as another obstacle.
The truth is: there is no difference between “loving yourself” and “being yourself.”
When we use all of our interactions with the world to guide us in the direction of our true and deep nature and then choose to express our nature to the world, we experience the deepest form of self-love possible.
When we do this with others, it is loving them.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
― C.G. Jung
