by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 16, 2025 | Self Awareness & Emotional WellBeing
Reflections on Brené Brown’s Strong Ground BOOK
I’ve been reading Brené Brown’s book Strong Ground—a truly excellent read for anyone who leads others, even if that person is yourself on most days. While each chapter offers something powerful, one section stood out to me. Brown writes that one of the most impactful shifts in her decades of research centers on the topic of humiliation and that this understanding feels especially relevant right now.
Her distinctions between shame, guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment feel both timely and deeply needed. They remind us how essential it is to stay human—to navigate conflict and challenge in ways that preserve respect, dignity, and possibility. Brown points out that humiliation is one of the most significant drivers of violence from interpersonal to international conflict.
She illustrates that we often lack discernment between these emotional forces and use the terms interchangeably, to our detriment. Her perspective led me to ask: What if we did? What if we learned to truly distinguish them -what might become possible? It reminded me that there is no place too small to begin this work.
Moving beyond the blame game and standing firmly in the importance of both empathy and accountability, Strong Ground offers a path toward something different: a future built on curiosity, honesty, and courageous communication. What’s more, Brown’s research (and that of many others) shows that these same qualities are not only the most human way to lead, they’re also the most effective, creating greater engagement, innovation, and even higher revenues.
Here are a few of her definitions that stood out:
- Shame: I am bad. The focus is on the self, not the behavior. The result is feeling flawed and unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. It is not a driver of positive change.
- Guilt: I did something bad. The focus is on behavior. Guilt is the discomfort we feel when we evaluate what we’ve done -or failed to do- against our values. It can drive positive change and behavior.
- Humiliation: I’ve been belittled or put down by someone. This left me feeling unworthy of connection and belonging. It was unfair, and I did not deserve it. With shame, we believe we deserved it; with humiliation, we believe we did not.
- Embarrassment: I did something that made me uncomfortable, but I know I’m not alone. Everyone does these kinds of things. Embarrassment is fleeting, sometimes even funny.
Brown notes that she once believed shame was more dangerous than humiliation—because we tend to hide our shame, believing it to be true. Yet research shows that humiliation can trigger a cascade of reactions, including social pain, decreased self-awareness, increased self-defeating behavior, and reduced self-regulation -all of which can lead to violence. Harling and colleagues argue that “humiliation is not only the most underappreciated force in international relations—it may be the missing link in the search for the root cause of violent conflict… perhaps the most toxic social dynamic of our age.”
Brown continues:
“I believe this connection between humiliation and aggression or violence explains much of what we’re seeing today. Amplified by the reach of social media, dehumanizing and humiliating others has become increasingly normalized -alongside violence. Now, instead of humiliating someone in front of a small group, we have the power to eviscerate them before a global audience of strangers. Shame and humiliation will never be effective tools for social justice. They are tools of oppression.”
And she quotes Elie Wiesel’s powerful reminder:
“Never allow anyone to be humiliated in your presence.”
Finally, Brown emphasizes that leaders who are unwilling to talk about power are either actively abusing it or preserving the option to do so by avoiding the conversation. Daring leaders, on the other hand, welcome conversations about power and model self-reflection and curiosity.
Reading Strong Ground reminded me how vital it is that we each do our part to restore dignity in how we lead, speak, and connect. Whether in our families, organizations, or communities, the work begins with cultivating awareness choosing to see and honor the humanity in one another, and then learning the necessary skills of communication that preserve that dignity -even when it’s hard.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 7, 2017 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Whether you work for a company, run your own business, or are a leader in some other group, your success as a leader cannot – and will not – be stagnant. Like any other part of your life, success in leadership requires continued work and development. All parts of our lives need to be evaluated and efforts to take ourselves to the next level need to executed. If you have been wondering how to know when it is time to reinvent yourself as a leader then this article is for you.
REASONS TO REINVENT YOURSELF AS A LEADER
You stop seeing results: This might seem obvious, but sometimes it’s easy to overlook what we don’t want to see. A big red flag that your leadership needs some work is that you stop seeing the results that you want to see. Leadership implies a goal – if you stop seeing forward movement from your team, you should take a look at how you are leading. What is it about what you are doing that is limiting the results of your team? What can you do to change the way you are leading? What can you do to support your team?
People are disengaged: The people you are leading will let you know how you are doing as a leader, in both blunt and subtle ways. If your team is inactive or not paying attention, it’s time to reflect on the gaps in your leadership. Pay attention to how your people are showing up. Are they going above and beyond, or trying to get away with the bare minimum? While individual character traits (like motivation and integrity) will always play a role in team performance, you will be surprised at how much more engagement you can create by changing your leadership approach.
The thrill is gone: Are you feeling less-than-engaged as a leader? Is the idea of another project – or taking the next steps on your current one – less than interesting to you? Are you resenting the action that you need to take? If you are no longer enjoying your leadership, then chances are you need to find a new way of being in leadership. It is time to reinvent yourself as a leader when you feel you’ve run out of good reasons to lead. I promise you, there are more.
Ongoing conflict: Conflict is part of any team effort, but when the problems persist it is time to take notice. Ongoing conflict is a sign that something is not working correctly and, since you are the leader, it probably means that you need to adjust the way that you are holding your leadership. When you get better, the people you are leading get better. Being a leader doesn’t mean being perfect. It means being attentive and being the first to step forward when it is time for change.
You may need to reinvent yourself entirely or it may just be an aspect of your leadership that needs some updating. Remember this is not because you have done something wrong but a natural part of the process of growth whereby you become the best leader and have the most positive impact you have.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 10, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
When we talk about love, we often talk about the kind of romantic love we want to receive. We look for the partner or friend who will love us as we deeply want to be loved.
However, what happens when we reverse our desire to receive love and begin to think about desire to give love? We often forget that love is a constant our lives. Love is something we create. When we turn the love we have outwards, we can use it to create wonderful things in world.
Love is an essential part of successful leadership and positive outcomes. Staying connected to love as we grow in our ability to lead allows us to create a deeper impact in everything we do.
So, for this week\’s article, I\’m going to share three surprising and simple things you can do to help you lead with love.
Breathe In The Good Stuff
When we\’re lovingly connected to ourselves, we\’re better able to do things that make a positive impact on our world. One of the easiest ways to plug into ourselves is to take a big, deep breath.
Spiritual disciplines around the world emphasize the importance of the breath. When we inhale we take a little of the world into our bodies, and when we exhale we release a little bit of ourselves into the world.
People fail to breathe when they get tense or scared. They tighten up and hold their breath. This is because breathing encourages our connection to ourselves and to our environment.
And staying connected to ourselves is an essential part of being an impactful leader.
Here\’s one breathing exercise that can really help you anchor into yourself and to your sense of connectedness. Every day for a full week, take a few moments to draw in five full breaths at one time. Let these breaths fill up your lungs. When you inhale, imagine that you\’re breathing in love; on the exhale, breathe out all the love you took in. Imagine that the fullness of your heart and the fullness of the love around you is streaming in and out of your body.
Create a Wave of Kindness
Scott Adams once said: \”Remember, there\’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.\”
We\’ve all seen how our kindness can have a big impact on the world around us. People feel good when you\’ve shown them kindness. And those good feelings can ripple out into a much bigger wave.
When we\’re kind to those around us, we lead ourselves and others towards a way of interacting that\’s full of thoughtfulness and care.
For each day this week, do one kind thing for someone in your life. Do a favor for a co-worker. Or give some one you love some extra support. If you want to challenge yourself, do something kind for someone with whom you have a difficult relationship or for someone you\’ve been neglecting.
When All Looks Dark, Choose to See the Love
There\’s no denying it – there\’s a lot of suffering in the world. It can seem like the things we do to improve the world don\’t seem to put a dent in the suffering and despair we see all around us. But even in the worst of times and the worst of places, there are glimmers of love. And it really is within our ability to see them.
No matter where you are, or the current state of your life, take a few minutes every day for the next week to notice the many faces of love around you. They might be small – like a blade of grass through the pavement – but they are there.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 7, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I\’ve learned a LOT about leadership while growing my business. I cannot say these have been easy lessons. I\’ve probably made every mistake in the book. I\’ve been too hands off. I\’ve been too rigid. My standards have – at times – been out of reach. In those moments, I\’ve let my frustration get the better of me.
I know that there are people who choose leadership roles to boost their ego. Yet, I\’ve found that leadership is a profound and often under-appreciated form of service.
This post talks about co-creative leadership, and explores the skills necessary for it. I believe these are skills that become more and more essential in our lives as time goes on.
Co-Creative Leadership and the Power of Engagement
We all need to learn leadership skills. However, how we put those skills to work differs from person to person and from goal to goal. While some people want to command authority, others want to inspire and engage. While some people think of leadership as a solitary act, others see it as a part of a broader group effort.
Co-creative leadership is about engaging others to tackle the task at hand. It\’s about facilitating growth and change while accomplishing a shared goal. With your family, co-creative leadership can be used to make a group decision about a family vacation. If you\’re a part of a team, it might be used to make a joint decision about when and where you\’re going to practice. And, in your business, you might use it to find new ways to be more efficient, so that you have more time to spend with family.
Creatively Contribute to the “Whole”
In co-creative leadership, you\’re not managing people; you\’re managing projects. This is a powerful distinction.
The fact is that people don’t need to be managed most of the time. If they need to be managed in the workplace, they might be more of a liability than an asset to your business. If they need to be managed at home, you might be missing an opportunity to empower your children or to partner with your spouse. And, if your friends, colleagues and acquaintances need to be managed, you\’re either taking too much responsibility for those around you or you\’re not with your peers.
People need to know “why” they\’re doing something. This means that they need to support the vision and understand their role. They feel engaged in making contributions to the vision and feel empowered to grow it. This usually happens when people help shape the vision and when they\’re put in roles where they\’re experts and respected as such.
Changing Yourself to Engage Others
We cannot facilitate co-creative leadership without first taking a good look at ourselves. What I teach people in my programs is this: if you have an issue, you will keep running into that issue. And leadership magnifies your issues.
So if you\’re in a leadership position and experiencing difficulty with the people around you, pause and take stock of yourself. Effective leaders are able to take a candid look at themselves. They have a strong sense of when they\’re in integrity and they\’re able to make adjustments and apologies for where they\’re not. Leaders tend to run into problems when they take too much or too little responsibility for the problems at hand. They also run into problems when they take too much or too little responsibility for the actions of others. As in all other areas of life, leadership demands that we first look at ourselves and assess our contribution to the situation in order to be most effective.
Opening Communication and Bridging Divides
Communication is a necessary part of any relationship. It becomes particularly important when in a leadership position. A leader must be able to effectively communicate with all parties involved. They must also be able to facilitate communication between individuals and within groups. Communication requires compassion and clarity. It also requires a good measure of personal development work.
Strong communicators have the ability to understand others and use the words necessary to express concepts and plans so that there can be as much engagement as possible. Unfortunately, many people have had negative experiences communicating with others. They\’ve had conversations where they did not feel seen, heard, or respected. Because of this, many people do not show up to the conversation. A leader is able to bring everyone to the table, open the channels of dialogue and facilitate involvement. A leader also enables team-members to grow their skills so that they can adeptly handle tasks on their own. This takes a combined effort of personal development enhanced communication skills on the part of the leader.
Creating the Win/Win/Win
A win/win is a two-sided victory. We need to be willing to create wins for every party involved. As a family, this means that the family trip can’t be just about making the parents happy or the kids happy. In business, this means that we need to think about how what we offer benefits our customers, employees, owners, community, and environment.
Yet, most critical to this aspect of co-creative leadership is the collective development of new ways of thinking about partnership and responsibility, participation and benefit. As leaders, it\’s important to put concerted effort towards understanding how things can benefit as many people as possible. When our goal is to support others, we co-create opportunities that have the maximum potential benefit for all involved.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 4, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
You have probably heard me say this a bunch by now but your life is what you make it. If it is lacking passion then, it is your job to bring it back. Sometimes, this requires a mental shift. Sometimes, this requires taking action to create more of what we want in our external life. A little of both can go a long way.
Recognize that passion wears different faces:
Pay attention to what a passionate life really means to you. Maybe it looks different in different parts of your life. Maybe passion at work looks different than passion with your lover, or passion about a topic. How do you know you are passionately engaged with each aspect of your life? Write it out so that you can clearly see when things are what you want them to be.
Be vulnerable:
It is hard to feel passionate when we are under lock and key. If we are afraid to be vulnerable, we lose out on feeling connected to ourselves and really known by another person. Sometimes, showing love and showing joy can be as vulnerable or even more than when we need to show weakness. Are there places where you have a hard time being vulnerable? How can you open up those parts of your life?
Clean up your messes:
Baggage weighs us down and holds us back. When we live with a lot of unresolved stuff it stops us from being present and passionate in our lives. What grudges are you holding onto? What pain from your past is it time to let go of? Find a way to clear your past so that you can be in the present.
Let go of limiting beliefs about what is fun and what is not:
Work is not fun. Vacation is fun. Even if we don’t totally buy into that idea the vestiges of it –like I was mentioning in my note- are there nonetheless. If we think more about an attitude of passion or joy instead of an experience giving it to us then we might be a lot happier. What does an attitude of passion or joy mean to you? How can you cultivate it?
Express your anger:
Anger and passion are on the same continuum. If you have totally shut down your anger, it will be very hard to experience a passionate life. This does not mean that you should be ranting and raving all the time. It just means that if you tend to say that you “never get angry”, you might want to take a look if what you are really saying is you don’t let yourself feel angry or that you are actually being apathetic.
Make time for it:
Everything important deserves its time. If you want more of something in your life, make a point of scheduling time to bring more of it in. Just by answering these questions and making some quick changes you will see a passion infusion in your life.
How long has it been since you leaped out of bed and excitedly entered your new day? Have you stopped thinking that was even possible? Being passionately connected to our lives is possible and here are some practical ways to do it. Join Dr. Kate along with special guest Sexual Empowerment expert and thought leader, Amy Jo Goddard as they discuss ways bring passion to every area of how you live on this weeks Real Answers Radio.
