7 Myths about Happiness and the Truth that will Set You Free

by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 6, 2017 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog

Establishing a true practice of happiness is an elusive but powerful skill. In its own right, it is a hard goal to achieve. Harder still, however, is chasing the commodified and distorted versions of happiness that we have been taught to seek and think we can achieve.

Happiness has become a myth that has been both downplayed and exalted, made to seem both commonplace and unattainable. Busting the myths of happiness can be an important step toward truly being happy. See which ones might have caught you in their snare and be happier now.

7 Happiness Myths:

You know how to be happy:

I have to start the list with this because it is such a common myth that gets in the way of people being happy. We think that we are supposed to know how to be happy, but I find that most people do not have the skills they need to make themselves truly happy. The good news is that you can learn how to truly be happy and, with a little work, you can get yourself feeling great.

The goal is to be happy all the time:

You can’t be anything all the time and if you were you would likely lose the capacity to recognize it. But you can benefit from moving in the direction of being happier as often as possible. In fact, find time each day to do one thing that makes you happy and you will be feeling the difference in no time.

Happiness is linked to external events:

It does not matter how much money you have or where you are from. True happiness is not about circumstances or possessions, it is our relationship with ourself.

Other people can make you happy:

While being around toxic people will affect your happiness, there is no one who can really make you happy but you. It is important to pay attention to who you feel happy around and who you don’t, but recognize that learning how to make yourself happier can only come from you.

You can be anywhere and be happy:

This one sounds like, “If I just do enough work on myself I will be happy with my crappy job and my unfulfilling relationships.” This has to be on the list because, while happiness is an inside job, losing sight of the impact that outside circumstances have on our happiness is equally problematic. Unload the toxic parts of your life and open up to more happiness.

You need to be somewhere (else) to be happy:

If you are one of those people who keeps looking around the corner or over the horizon for your happiness, I have to tell you, you are not going to find it there. When we chase happiness we don’t find it. We find whatever else we put in its place. The keys to happiness lie within us, not in the next city we plan to move to.

Happiness is available to you regardless of how you act or what you do:

This sounds like, “Happiness is my birthright and I should have it even if I make little effort at my own personal development.” Happiness entitlement gets in our way. It also denies the reality that some of us battle biological predispositions that make attaining happiness even harder. Approach happiness with gratitude, and you invite more of it.

Inspired self-care ideas

by Dr. Heléna Kate | Feb 13, 2017 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog

Self care may be a buzzword today, but it hasn\’t always been. Even concepts of \”the self\” are relatively young to public understanding. So how do we capitalize on today\’s understanding of the self and practice self care in a way that will have the greatest impact?

According to author Caroline Myss, \”the self\” that we talk about today is an idea that emerged in the nuclear age. It wasn’t until the 1950\’s that psychology and psychoanalysis became commonplace ways of thinking about people and their behavior. In turn, the rich inner-life that we all experience became just as real as our outer-world. 

This new way of thinking about \”the self\” ushered in the birth of self-care. Until the 1950\’s people didn\’t talk about self-care. They didn\’t think about balancing their everyday life demands with things that foster their well-being. Fast forward to today, and self-care is a multi-billion dollar industry and an everyday conversation. 

I think that the conversation about self-care leaves out one major thing: and that\’s inspiration. Inspiration is more than just happening upon a clever idea. It expresses our creativity and forges a path to real change in ourselves and in our world. When you\’re inspired, you feel alive!

So how do we move beyond the self care suggestions to eat healthier and exercise more (good suggestions!) and learn more inspired ways to feed our spirit and nurture our soul? Get creative, and get in touch with YOU.

Feeding your soul is self-care. Self-care is all about honoring and caring for yourself in ways that matter most. When you\’re able to practice inspired self-care your life becomes less of one huge to-do list and more of a field of abundant meaning and joy.

So take a look at the ways that you feel most enriched, and then put some real time and creative energy into creating some inspired self care practices for yourself. To get you started, here are 4 easy, rich, and deep ways YOU can bring more inspired self-care into your life.

Write a poem about someone you care for.

Inspiration is within reach most of the time. So, cozy up to your inner-bard and write a poem about your partner, your child, or a good friend. See if you can capture what you love about them in this expressive form. If you brainstorm adjectives, qualities, or feelings you associate with this person, you\’ll quickly create phrases that inspire you.

Notice the tiny, beautiful details and riff on them.

Say you\’re sitting at home or taking a walk through your neighborhood. Look around you, and free associate with what you see. For example, if you see thin blades of long grass growing by a wall, maybe they remind you of a time when you saw a piece of beautiful graffiti on a wall with grass just like that. Perhaps the grass near the wall reminds you of the eerie beauty and loneliness of neglected things. Let yourself wander into your thoughts. You\’ll be amazed where you wind up!

Create the most luxurious and perfect experience, FOR YOU.

If your version of self-care is to take a bath, a walk in the woods, or get a massage, then it\’s time to take it up a notch. Make a decadent, fantastic, and — yes — inspired experience for YOURSELF. Try new things. Mix and match your experience. Take a bubble bath with candlelight, wine, chocolate, the smell of jasmine, and opera music. Or, walk in the woods bundled in soft fabrics singing a song to yourself and noticing how the light hits things.

Give an impromptu gift that will make someone\’s day.

 Tap into your inspiration and find something – or make something – that will let another person know how special they are to you. When you think about bringing pleasure to someone else’s life, you naturally think creatively and playfully about what\’s in the world and how to use it. And even better, when you give a gift your heart opens up and you feel satisfied on a deeper level. 

It\’s too easy to let days slip by while we\’re distracted from what matters most. So challenge yourself to spend an hour each week doing one of these activities. It won\’t take long before you\’ll feel more inspired and your spirit will feel more nourished. Help remind yourself by printing out this list of ideas!

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The Essential Elements to a Fulfilling Life

by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 28, 2016 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog

Here’s a list of the elements I consider essential to living a deeply fulfilling life.

Passion:

Figure out what you love to do. People are happier when they do what they love.

Do it often. Doing what you love makes you feel more fulfilled.

Remove things from your life that are mediocre, beige, flat, or merely tolerable. You only have so much time, attention, and energy. Don’t waste it on what doesn’t matter.

Courage:

Know what’s important to you.

Know why it’s important to you.

Because, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” F. Roosevelt

Kindness:

Learn to be good to others and do it as much as possible.

Learn to be good to yourself and do it as much as possible.

Go out of your way every day to do something especially nice for a total stranger.

Gratitude:

Pay attention to all the wonderful things that are a part of your life both large and small.

Thank people for what they bring to your life.

Learn to find gratitude even for the things and people that you find difficult.

Contemplation:

Take a few moments each day to sit quietly.

Keep a journal.

Learn to listen fully to what someone is saying. Really take it in before responding.

Forgiveness:

Make a list of everyone in your life that you have an unresolved issue with and find a way to resolve that issue within yourself and (if possible) with them.

Forgive yourself.

Make it a practice to forgive others as quickly as possible.

Play:

Make time to be creative in ways that please you the most.

Laugh as much as possible.

Remember that your life is what you dream it to be.

Does one of these essential elements particularly resonate with you? If so, I suggest that you write it down and put it somewhere you will see it every day. Every little reminder you create for yourself will help you stay on track!

Find What You Love! (And Do More Of It)

by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 3, 2016 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog

Living your purpose is the key to your fulfillment. When you embrace your life purpose, you commit your effort to what you’re best able to do. And this has infinite positive outcomes.

Living your life purpose blossoms a sense of wellness throughout your entire life. You experience true harmony because you’re not emotionally invested in any particular outcome and so you’re better able to make lemonade when life gives you lemons.

Each and every one of us wrestles with a nagging sense of unfulfillment until we understand that it’s in our power to create our happiness and to live our passion.

For example, if I believe my actions and interactions make no impact, then I’ll have a negative perception of my life inside and outside of my workplace. Or, if I perceive myself as a victim in all circumstances ― and feel as though the world sets me up to knock me down ― I will shy away from circumstances that might prove my belief otherwise. Instead, I’ll likely create situations that prove I’m at the world’s mercy. This perspective will leave me blaming others, feeling resentful and stuck.

On the other hand, if I believe that my actions have the potential to make a positive impact, then I’ll feel more positive about my life, more excited by my choices, and – ultimately – more fulfilled and satisfied. Moreover, if I see a situation that is dangerous, negative, or hurtful, I’ll feel it’s possible for me to take action towards a positive outcome. This creates a virtuous cycle. Over time, I’ll see the net effect of my positive actions and will likely find it easier to face challenging circumstances in a positive way. This makes a profound difference in my life and the lives of others.

So, what does this cycle of positive action have to do with Life Purpose? Well, in order to move toward your life purpose, you need to feel as though what you’re doing makes a difference. Otherwise, there is no reason to bother.

Whatever it is that you feel passionately about, you can do it! In fact, you were meant to do it.

Think about yourself in the terms used by Alan Watts: “You are the perfect expression of the universe exactly where you are in this moment.” Or, as Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote: “The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray.”

Since my work is all about helping people achieve a feeling of success and fulfillment in their lives, I’ve made a list of fundamental questions that will help you identify your life purpose! This list will give you a good sense of where to focus your energy as you take your first bold steps towards the life of your dreams.

Passion:

2. Do it often. Doing what you love makes you feel more fulfilled.

3. Remove things from your life that are mediocre, beige, flat or merely being tolerated. You only have so much time attention and energy don’t waste it on what does not matter.

Courage:

2. Know why it is important to you.

3. Because, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” F. Roosevelt

Kindness:

2. Learn to be good to yourself and do it as much as possible.

3. Go out of your way everyday to do something especially nice for a total stranger.

Gratitude:

2. Thank people for what they bring to your life.

3. Learn to find gratitude even for the things and people that are difficult.

Contemplation:

2. Keep a journal.

3. Learn to listen fully to what someone is saying. Really take it in before responding.

Forgiveness:

2. Forgive yourself.

3. Make it a practice to forgive others as quickly as possible.

Play:

2. Laugh as much as possible.

3. Remember that your life is what you dream it to be.

Want a step-by-step guide to find and live your life purpose? My Morning Mindset Life Purpose is an inspirational daily video series that delivers tips, insights and exercises straight to your inbox for three weeks. Morning Mindset will help you step-in your purpose and live your life to its fullest. Learn more here!

The Key to Happiness is Radical Self-Acceptance

by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 6, 2016 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog

People ask me all the time what true happiness looks and feels like. My answer is always self-acceptance. The truth is that our happiness requires our acceptance – especially of parts of ourselves we like the least.

If you don’t have much context for self-acceptance, then you might not know what it’s all about. Let me put it into some concrete terms.

When you accept yourself, you’re okay with who you are. You’re also okay with you are not. You’re always on your side – no matter what happens in your life.

Self-acceptance definitely takes some practice. We all can get carried away with thoughts that are self-shaming, self-judging or self-criticizing. When you catch yourself thinking these kinds of thoughts, I suggest that you douse yourself with self-acceptance because it really is the best antidote to feeling cut down or simply not good enough.

You can get a sense of how self-accepting you are by asking yourself the following questions:

Am I at peace with all my decisions?

Do I love myself –even my not-so-great parts?

When faced with information that supports a less than noble view of myself, can I love myself and also challenge myself to be more?

When in a disagreement, can I respect my own view while respecting the other person’s?

Do I know that no matter what I discover about myself that I’m truly good?

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, you’re not alone. Self-acceptance is a continual pursuit that’s just as much about your relationship to yourself as it is about your relationship to others.

If you want to work on building your ability to accept yourself, you can start with these exercises that come from my book Real Answers.

Ask Powerful Questions:

The following prompts help you shed some light on the areas of your yourself and your life that would benefit from some self-acceptance.

Complete these statements about yourself:

• One thing I have a difficult time accepting about my life, but deep down know is true, is:

• Some of the things I feel I need to accept about my life are:

• The reason I know these things are difficult to accept is:

• I will know that I have fully accepted these things about my life when:

• This stops me from accepting these things about my life:

• I would accept these things about my life if only:

• I am afraid that if I accept these things about my life, then:

• What I need to do to accept these things about my life is:

Speak Your Truth:

One of the ways we move into a deeper level of acceptance is by speaking our truth about our lives. This reinforces our sense of our experiences and makes them more real for us.

When we acknowledge what’s real for us, we’re better able to accept what might have been difficult in our past as well as in our present.

For example, after a fight I once had with a friend I created a self-serving story that my friend was unfair and overreacted. This story, however, was really a set of judgments that kept me from accepting my friend’s perspective and healing each of our bruised feelings.

What I saw was …,

What I felt was …,

What I experienced was …

Talk to Someone Who Was There:

If someone has gone through a similar experience ― or, as is often the case with family members, the same experience ― sharing it with those who understand helps us build acceptance. This is part of the reason why group therapy works so well.

Acceptance of your personal experience radically changes the way you approach almost every aspect of your life and ultimately allows you to engage the world in a more positive, productive way.