by Dr. Heléna Kate | Apr 4, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Like discipline, responsibility is one of those words you have probably heard so many times from authority figures that you’ve developed a bit of an allergy to it. Still, it’s one of the most important things to grow and to feel good about your life. Without it as a foundation nothing else here or in any personal development book really works. So today I’d like to explore personal responsibility with the help from some timeless thoughts on the topic.
1. There is always a price to pay.
“Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves”
-Friedrich Nietzsche
“Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.\” -George Bernard Shaw
“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”
– Unknown
Not taking responsibility may be less demanding, less painful and mean less time spent in the unknown. It’s more comfortable. You can just take it easy and blame problems in your life on someone else. But there is always a price to pay. When you don’t take responsibility for your life you give away your personal power. Plus more…
2. Build your self-esteem.
“Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the high road to pride, self-esteem and personal satisfaction.” -
Brian Tracy
“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.”
Joan Didion
Why do people often have self-esteem problems? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered. This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements.
That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it. And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for day.
This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you. Which brings us to the next reason to take personal responsibility…
3. Give yourself the permission to live the life you want.
“When we have begun to take charge of our lives, to own ourselves, there is no longer any need to ask permission of someone.”
-George O’Neil
By taking responsibility for our lives we not only gain control of what happens. It also becomes natural to feel like you deserve more in life as your self-esteem builds and as you do the right thing more consistently. You feel better about yourself.
This is critically important.
Because it’s most often you that are standing in your own way and in the way of your success. It’s you that start to self-sabotage or hold yourself back in subtle or not so subtle ways once you are on your way to the success you dream of.
To remove that inner resistance you must feel and think that you actually deserve what you want. You may be able to do a little about that by affirmations and other positive techniques. But the biggest impact by far comes from taking responsibility for yourself and your life. By doing the right thing.
4. Taking action becomes natural.
“Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
It is often said that your thoughts become your actions. But without taking responsibility for your life those thoughts often just stay on that mental stage and aren’t translated into action. Taking responsibility for your life is that extra ingredient that makes taking action more of a natural thing. You don’t get stuck in just thinking, thinking and wishing so much. You become proactive instead of passive.
5. Understand the limits of your responsibility.
“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” -
Epictetus
Taking responsibility for your life is great. But that is also all that you have control over. You can’t control the results of your actions. You can’t control how someone reacts to what you say or what you do.
It’s important to know where your limits are. Otherwise you’ll create a lot unnecessary suffering for yourself and waste energy and focus by taking responsibility for what you can’t and never really could control.
6. Don’t forget to take responsibility in everyday life too.
“I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.” -
Helen Keller
“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.”
-Abraham Lincoln
Life consists of each day. Not just the big events sometime in the future. So don’t forget to take responsibility for the little things today too. Don’t postpone it. Taking responsibility for your life can be hard and taxing on you. It’s not something you master over the weekend. So you might as well get started with the it right now.
7. Aim to be your best self.
“Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. Never excuse yourself.” -
Henry Ward Beecher
“Peak performance begins with your taking complete responsibility for your life and everything that happens to you.” -
Brian Tracy
This is of course not easy. But it’s a lot of fun and the payoff is massive.
- You are not trying to escape from your life anymore. Instead you take control, face what’s going on and so the world and new options open up for you.
- You start taking action not just when you feel like it. Improvement isn’t about short spurts once in a while. Consistent action is what really pays off and can help you achieve just about anything.
- You build your self-esteem to higher levels. And may discover that many smaller problems you experience regularly such as negative thinking, self-defeating behaviour and troubled relationships with yourself and others start to correct themselves as your self-esteem improves. You gain an inner stability and can create your own positive feelings within without the help of validation from other people. So how do you take responsibility? Well, it’s simply choice that you have to make.
Reviewing the reasons above – and now also the awesome quotes – is for me a powerful way to keep myself in line. Though it doesn’t always work. Doing the right thing in every situation is hard to do and also hard to always keep in mind. So don’t aim for perfection. Just try to be as good a person as you can be right now.
When you know those very important reasons above it becomes a lot easier to stick with taking responsibility. And to not rationalize to yourself that you didn’t really have to take responsibility in various situations.
That doesn’t mean that I beat myself up endlessly about it. I just observe that I have hurt myself and my life. And that doesn’t feel good. And so I become less prone to repeat the same mistake.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 30, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Along with self-care, the idea of “what we deserve” can be riddled with entitlement. However, what it basically means is that we are willing to take in the same amount that we put out -that we are willing to create balance and health in our lives.
Let’s take a moment to tune in and pay attention to what is going on inside of us.
What are you rationalizing, making excuses for, and in general tolerating in your life because you really want something and are willing to get a fraction of it because somewhere deep inside you believe that might be the best you are going to get?
Or, maybe, it does not even get that conscious. Maybe you just settle before even becoming aware of it.
So, let’s wake up. Life is truly to short to be anything less than our full and fabulous selves. It is not a matter of entitlement. It is a matter of stewardship. Ultimately, what serves this life that you are living –what affirms it.
Move in that direction every chance you get. It is a recipe for fulfillment and success.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 25, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
There are some things that maintaining our victimhood gives us. People are less likely to challenge us or try to over power us. Often they are willing to give us our way if we have had a hard enough time. We have a tendency to think that we are less responsible for our actions and emotions. And, with all the privilege that we have victims actually have a bit of social capital.
The hardest thing about playing the victim is that the last thing that we want to do is admit that it is what we are doing –how embarrassing! However, spotting it and transforming it could be one of the most amazing transformations of our life.
Let’s be clear here. There are some points in our lives where we may have been victimized and there are people who experience this again and again in their lives. This has serious repercussions and I am most certainly not saying get over it to this.
However, some of us might benefit from moving on and becoming more empowered –using our power directly rather than passive aggressively with others.
How do you know if this is you? Here are some clues that you might be being a victim:
- Do you blame others or circumstances for what you do or don’t do?
- Do you feel righteous in your actions and words regardless of what they are in a disagreement?
- Do you break promises and agreements because they are not comfortable for you to keep or because of “circumstances”?
- Do you explain away your behavior and provided no one hold you to it you let them do the changing?
If you do chances are you are justifying things as being out of your control or somebody else’s fault –and that is the territory of the victim.
Here is what you can do instead:
- When something goes wrong look at your contribution.
- When you have a fight or disagreement look at your contribution.
- Honor your commitments. In the words of Larry Winget \”Do you do what you said you would do, when you said you would do it!\”
- Try to see your missteps and make it a point to set things right.
- Pay more attention to your own action and accountability than to others.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 20, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
#1 Be Spontaneous:
The idea of spontaneity often gets the same reactions as creativity – people immediately reject it by saying things like “oh, im not spontaneous. Im not the kind of person to just hop on a plane somewhere.”.
Well, what would your life be like if for one day you did exactly what you pleased, took off your filters, said what you thought? Spend a few minutes daydreaming about this and write down what you come up with. What does this say about your inner desires and the life you are living?
If you are really feeling bold, try actually living one day this way.
#2 Take yourself out of your element:
I was recently at a party where everyone, literally everyone there was a parent of a young child. Well, everyone except me. It made me really look at the way that I am used to being social because everything was turned on its head by the children running through (literally) every conversation I was having. I got to see myself in a new light and find new ways to interact.
Put yourself in a social experiment by taking a class or going to a party that is outside your normal social group or striking up conversation with someone you would not usually speak with.
Bonus points if the group or person you choose speaks a different language.
#3 Be Ridiculous:
If you tend toward taking things too seriously, make sure you are doing at least one silly, playful thing a day. Play and creativity are certainly linked and silliness helps to leave “right way/wrong way” thinking behind. Dance like your favorite animal, make up a rhyming song about your day or wear a stupid hat.
Bonus points if you do this in front of someone you are worried will judge you for it.
#4 Make A Mess:
When is the last time you got good and dirty? Try fingerpaints or pastels with your whole hand (arms, feet!) , dig up some dirt and rub it all over yourself, jump in a puddle without your rain boots. That does it feel like?
Bonus points for running errands around town while in this disheveled state.
#5 Enter The Void:
Write down a list of as many things as possible that you believe to be true about yourself. Write down what you look like, things you like and don’t like, what you have done in your life, etc. Read your completed list. Now imagine that NONE of what you wrote is true. Who would you be then? Can you spend entire minute reflecting on yourself this way? A whole day?
Magical powers activated according to the duration that you can suspend these beliefs.
K Lenore Siner’s vision for the world is one where beauty, artistry and pleasure are valued as priorities in all that we do and where all people live deeply meaningful lives through connecting to each other, spirit and their innermost dreams and desires.
K is a multi-media painter who exhibited and published work internationally. She lives in AS220, an arts community in downtown, Providence RI and works as an Associate Coach and business manager for Dr. Kate Inc.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Mar 18, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I’m of the mindset that while I may not be the smartest or most talented person in the room, I’ll earn my spot at the table with my impressive work ethic. So, I got in early to my office job, stayed late, worked weekends—all the while obsessively worrying about my performance and my future.
Looking back, it’s obvious that my lifestyle wasn’t sustainable. But back then, I wore my workaholism like a badge of honor. The way I saw it, I had an awesome job and would work as hard as it took to do well.
As time went by, any semblance of a balanced life went out the window. I had no energy or desire to hang out with my friends, I was neglecting my health and I had become disillusioned with my work. There wasn’t one single catalyst—it wasn’t that I stopped liking the kind of work I did, generally speaking. Instead, it was a classic case of burnout: multiple, chronic stressors over an extended period of time left me totally drained and no longer performing at my best. In a few short years, I went from bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to seriously burnt out. Here are signs you could be headed down the same path.
What Exactly Is Burnout?
As it turns out, my story isn’t uncommon; many millennial women are experiencing job burnout before they even turn 30. The American Psychological Association’s David Ballard, PsyD describes job burnout as “an extended period of time where someone experiences exhaustion and a lack of interest in things, resulting in a decline in their job performance.”
“A lot of burnout really has to do with experiencing chronic stress,” says Dr. Ballard, who is the head of the APA’s Psychologically Healthy Workplace Program. “In those situations, the demands being placed on you exceed the resources you have available to deal with the stressors.”
Left unchecked, burnout can wreak havoc on your health, happiness, relationships and job performance. In order to catch burnout and combat it early, it’s important to know what to look out for.
Dr. Ballard let us in on 10 signs you may be experiencing burnout:
1. Exhaustion
A clear sign of burnout is when you feel tired all the time. Exhaustion can be emotional, mental or physical. It’s the sense of not having any energy, of being completely spent.
2. Lack of Motivation
When you don’t feel enthusiastic about anything anymore or you no longer have that internal motivation for your work, there’s a good chance you’re experiencing burnout. Other ways this manifests? It may be harder to get going in the morning and more difficult to drag yourself into work every day.
3. Frustration, Cynicism and Other Negative Emotions
You may feel like what you’re doing doesn’t matter that much anymore, or you may be disillusioned with everything. You might notice that you feel more generally pessimistic than you used to. While everybody experiences some negative emotions from time to time, it’s important to know when these are becoming unusual for you.
4. Cognitive Problems
Burnout and chronic stress may interfere with your ability to pay attention or concentrate. When we’re stressed, our attention narrows to focus on the negative element that we perceive as a threat. In the short term, this helps us deal with the problem at hand, Dr. Ballard says, “but our bodies and brains are designed to handle this in short bursts and then return to normal functioning. When stress becomes chronic, this narrow focus continues for a long time and we have difficulty paying attention to other things.” This “fight or flight” tunnel vision can negatively affect your ability to solve problems or make decisions. You might find that you’re more forgetful and have a harder time remembering things.
5. Slipping Job Performance
Not sure whether you’re burnt out? Compare your job performance now to your performance in previous years. Because burnout tends to happen over an extended period of time, taking this long-term view might reveal whether you’re in a temporary slump or experiencing more chronic burnout.
6. Interpersonal Problems at Home and at Work
This tends to play out in one of two ways: (a) You’re having more conflicts with other people, such as getting into arguments, or (b) you withdraw, talking to your coworkers and family members less. You might find that even when you’re physically there, you’re tuned out.
7. Not Taking Care of Yourself
When suffering from burnout, some people engage in unhealthy coping strategies like drinking too much, smoking, being too sedentary, eating too much junk food, not eating enough or not getting enough sleep. Self-medication is another issue and could include relying on sleeping pills to sleep, drinking more alcohol at the end of the day to de-stress or even drinking more coffee to summon up the energy to drag yourself into work in the morning.
8. Being Preoccupied With Work … When You’re Not at Work
Even though you might not be working at a given moment, if you’re expending mental energy mulling over your job, then your work is interfering with your ability to recover from the stresses of your day. In order to recover, you need time to yourself after the actual task stops … and time when you stop thinking about that task altogether.
9. Generally Decreased Satisfaction
This is the tendency to feel less happy and satisfied with your career and with your home life. You might feel dissatisfied or even stuck when it comes to whatever is going on at home, in the community or with your social activities, Dr. Ballard says.
10. Health Problems
Over a long period of time, serious chronic stress can create real health problems like digestive issues, heart disease, depression and obesity.
And If You Are Experiencing Burnout?
Dr. Ballard let us in on what to do if you recognize the above symptoms in yourself.
Take Relaxation Seriously
Whether you take up meditation, listening to music, reading a book, taking a walk or visiting with friends and family, truly think about what you’ll do to relax, and designate time for it.
Cultivate a Rich Non-Work Life
Find something outside of work that you are passionate about that’s challenging, engaging and really gets you going—whether a hobby, sports or fitness activities or volunteering in the community (along with other items we mention here, like relaxation, being able to “turn off” and participating in rewarding non-work activities).
Unplug
While communication technology can promote productivity, it can also allow work stressors seep into family time, vacation and social activities. Set boundaries by turning off cell phones at dinner and delegating certain times to check email.
Get Enough Sleep
Research suggests that having fewer than six hours of sleep per night is a major risk factor for burnout, not least because poor sleep can have negative effects on your job performance and productivity. It can lead to fatigue, decrease your motivation, make you more sensitive to stressful events, impair your mental function, leave you more susceptible to errors and make it harder to juggle competing demands. The reverse is true, too: We’ve seen that sleep can actually improve your memory. Recovering from chronic stress and burnout requires removing or reducing the demands on you and replenishing your resources. Sleep is one strategy for replenishing those resources. For inspiration, check out our tips to get better sleep.
Get Organized
Often, when people are burnt out, they spend a lot of time worrying that they’ll forget to do something or that something important is going to slip through the cracks. Get organized, clear your head, put together a to-do list (or an electronic task list) then prioritize. That way, you don’t have to keep thinking about those things because you’ll have systems in place to remind you.
Stay Attuned
It’s important to tune into the precursors of those conditions, physical signs that you might be under too much stress: more headaches, tight shoulders, a stiff neck or more frequent stomach upset. In terms of mental health, burnout affects depression, and if you’re depressed, that can also affect your level of burnout—it goes both ways. So, if the issues you’re struggling with are really serious and getting worse, you may need to seek professional help. Talk to a psychologist to get help beyond support from just your friends and family members.
Know When It’s You, and When It’s Them
Burnout is sometimes motivated by internal factors, Dr. Ballard says, and sometimes it really is a symptom of external ones. In the first case, you’ll need to ask yourself, “Where is this coming from?” so you can figure out what’s stressing you out, and how to maintain your internal resources to keep yourself motivated, doing your best work and functioning well.
Some burnout really is the fault of work. “In a survey we did in 2011, more than two-thirds of respondents said that their employers had taken steps to cut costs as a result of the recession,” like hiring freezes, layoffs, cutting work hours, rolling back benefits, requiring unpaid days off, increasing hours, etc. All that increases demands on workers,” he says. “Those are the two components that play into burnout: There are more demands and fewer resources.” To find out whether it’s time to move on, figure out whether your position is a “mismatch between your needs and what you’re getting working for that particular organization.”
reblogged from www.forbes.com
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