by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 17, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Ditch the guilt and self-blame—and change the conversation about work and life, says the author of MAXED OUT. A new dialogue starts here…
Q: Most working moms feel maxed out. Yet we rarely say more than, “I’m tired” or “What a week!” What are we NOT saying to our friends, family, each other?
A: I hear from a lot of women who say they have the life they always wanted (kids, career) . . . and it’s killing them. They feel like they’re always letting people down, like it’s somehow their fault that they can’t be all things to all people.
My message to them is: You’re not alone, and it’s not your fault.
Society and the workplace have not caught up to the fact that most mothers today are in the workforce. We’re expected to give 100% to our jobs, and then somehow simultaneously give 100% to our families. But of course, we can’t. No one can. We can’t be in two places at once, and we only have so much energy.
Where to start?
The cold economic reality is that most families need two incomes today just to live a basic middle class life. About 70% of American kids are growing up in households where all adults work.
So parents today are doing double duty, trying to work full time and somehow take care of all the things parents do—take kids to the doctor, do the parent-teacher conferences, show up for the play, etc. Yet schools still get out at 3pm (or earlier) and take summers off. Parents are lucky if they get two weeks of vacation a year. These things are incompatible. So it’s vital to recognize the flaw in the way our roles as working parents have evolved—while schools and most employers have not—and begin to communicate more about those realities, not getting stuck repeating messages of self-blame and guilt.
Q: How can we change the way we talk about the overwhelm so that people will listen and respond?
A: We have to stop treating this overwork issue as a personal choice—something we’re doing to ourselves—and communicate that it’s a societal problem. It’s a public health problem. Companies are burning out their workers, and it’s costing them hundreds of billions of dollars in lost productivity. So it’s even a business problem.
When we see the problem for what it is, that’s when we’ll get serious about solving it. We need better government policies (like paid parental leave), true. But there’s a lot we can do in the workplace, too, that would address this issue. By having forthright discussions about the competing demands of modern life, we can change the conversation around flexible schedules, telecommuting, job shares, and other changes in work culture.
Rather than being apologetic, it’s reasonable to request policies that empower employees to get their work done when and how they can best do it. These are the kinds of things we should be talking about.
Q. How do can women talk about these problems in a new way, so the conversation shifts from “What I’m doing wrong” to “Let’s improve the situation for everyone”?
A: The most lasting way to change the conversation is to change our actions, to show that we really are all in this together. At the end of my book, I list 10 things each of us can do to address this “maxed out” problem, here are a few:
1. Practice saying no—Working moms have to find ways to say no. It’s not about letting other people down; saying no to others is about saying yes to yourself.
2. Tell your partner what you need—Communicate with your partner about how to make your roles as egalitarian as possible (and see #1 above!).
3. Be an ally to other women—We’ve all felt judged at one time or another about our choices as mothers. Remember the cultural and institutional forces that make working and parenting difficult, and cut other women slack.
4. Sign up for MomsRising—10 percent of the proceeds of Maxed Out will be donated to this leading advocacy organization for moms and the people who love them. They lobby for parental leave, flexible work, other policies that improve the lives of families.
5. Let your HR manager know about ROWE—A management strategy gaining traction in corporate America, Results-Only Work Environments (ROWE) emphasizes employee results over traditional measures like the number of hours worked. Companies are finding that it actually saves them money and boosts productivity.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 15, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I am often surprised how few of my clients are clear when it comes to the difference between goals and vision. Below is an except from David Neagle\’s blog where he clarifies the issue:
\”A vision is a clear picture of what you’d like for your life or business.
When I was just starting out, my vision was pretty simple. I could only see a few things.
I wanted a boat and I wanted to buy property in Central Wisconsin for when I retired.
Some people have grander visions like a house in Italy or speaking on huge stages.
The key piece with a vision is that it is not about anyone else. It’s what you want for you; and it maybe hidden in your secret thoughts that you’ve never told anyone about.
A goal is a step toward that big vision.
It’s something you need to do that will take you closer to realizing your vision.
My vision was to buy a boat, so I set a goal for myself to double my income.
By increasing my income, I would be closer to having the ability to buy that boat.
Think of goals as the rungs of a ladder that leads to your vision at the top.
Keep in mind that as you take steps toward your vision, it may begin to change.
As your vision changes continue setting goals to take you closer to that vision, and when you see opportunities, always ask yourself: Is this taking me closer to my vision or further away?
Let your vision be your guide.\”
This periodic reassessment of vision is key. As you may know I am making some changes in my business and these come from a refocusing of my vision
When is the last time you gave your vision and update? I suggest you take an hour to walk, journal or do anything that gets you in a calm meditative space. Focus in on what You want for You. If your vision is in need of updating, you may have some surprises!
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 13, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Donald Trump has failed as many times as he has succeeded and ultimately he has succeeded, at least financially.
While I cannot claim to be enamored with his personality (or his hair) I think he illustrates a very powerful point: Your life and your work depend on you being willing to take risks.
You have very likely heard the expression bold action gets bold results. And, well, it does.
So, if it does, then what scares us so much? The plain fact is that the results of our bold action are bold for sure but not always positive. A certain amount of the time we are going to fail. If it was a guarantee, then it would not be a risk, right?
Somewhere along the way many of us learned that failing was bad. Maybe it is our grading system. Where else in the course of life is the goal 100%? For example, what if in soccer players got 100% of the goals? We don’t even consider this. Under these conditions getting a CHANCE at the goal is seen as an accomplishment.
Embracing failure as a likely outcome and being willing to learn from it and make adjustments is the cornerstone of success. Perhaps this is why so many successful entrepreneurs were C students!
Ok, so if you are convinced now that taking risks and even failing might be in your best interest then how do you get yourself to take action when you are on the edge and gearing up to take that major leap to create the life, love or work that you really want?
In the book that I am currently writing a book called \”Apathy is Noxious\”, where I talk about this very subject. One approach to move out of inertia you need to intensify the discomfort of staying the way that you are.
Another approach is to adjust your perception of what “good” results are. What if instead of success and failure you looked at the outcome of your bold action as valuable information that is letting you know how to make your next bold move?
*A footnote for those of you who leap before you look. LOOK. Taking risks requires reviewing the situation and taking educated risks.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 10, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Multitasking can be counterproductive. Do less better.
Being busy as a bee is an occupational hazard in sales. Take a lesson from busy bees. They only do one thing at a time. The temptation is always with us that when we want to get more done, we decide that doing two or three things at once is the answer. This is particularly true while driving.
Your brain is a wonderfully adaptive organ, but pushing it to its multiplexing limits assures that concentration by necessity is lost. One task becomes primary and all others suffer accordingly, with the primary task losing focus in the process. Those are the things that automobile accidents are made of.
Business disasters follow the same pattern. Get too much going and everything will go to pieces on a regular basis. Set sales priorities. What must be done now? What can wait until this afternoon or tomorrow? Slow down; you will make more forward progress. Focus on the thing at hand. Budget the time necessary to get the job done professionally. Don’t hustle customers. Doing less better will produce more results.
Talk slower; drive slower; don’t run through airports. You will live longer, and although you may not think you are getting enough done, compound interest will have its chance to make you wealthy. All good results take time. You can listen to books while driving and you can walk and chew gum between sales calls, but with those exceptions and few others, take things one at a time.
Now, go out and have your best week ever!
reblogged from an article by Linda Fitzgerald in Affiliated Women International
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 6, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
When I was 16 years old, I went to Catholic school for a year. Interestingly, right in the middle of this drop in Catholic period, I began reading about Buddhism. In the 24 years since then, I have continued to find these teachings helpful.
In Buddhism there is something called the 8 fold path. The components of the path can roughly be described as complete vision, perfected emotion, whole speech, integral action, proper livelihood, full effort, complete awareness, and one-pointedness of mind.
When I read about the eightfold path, something really clicked for me. It was like reading about the path to fulfillment. I had realized at this point that much of my pain was self inflicted and was looking for ways to change how I lived.
The principles of the 8 fold path and similar ones from other religions and philosophies guide my work and my life.
For example, when I am working with my Business Development people, they often ask about different high level, often expensive methods that can be used to grow their businesses. They will feel like they need advanced strategies to be successful.
In response, what I always say to them is, “What ultimately do you want for your business?” You don’t employ top level methods for a 100k a year business. If you do, you will always be spending more money that you make. Not a good business strategy.
This is a very long way to say that things are not useful or not useful; good or bad, it is all about what they are intended for if they are the right fit for the situation.
When we start using a method or anything else for that matter without thinking, we create unintended results. These results are sometimes good and sometimes bad.
So, my question for you today is what are you trying to create? And, is what you are using going to get you there? To me this is related to the \”complete vision\” step of the 8 fold path. The clearer you are on both of these questions, the faster and farther you will move toward your desired goal.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 3, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Will the people in your life always support your decisions? No, they won’t. But you need to remember that life is not about justifying yourself; it’s about creating yourself. Your life is yours alone. Others can try to persuade you, but they can’t decide for you. They can walk with you, but not in your shoes. So make sure the path you decide to walk aligns with your own intuition and desires, and don’t be scared to walk alone and pave your own path when you know it’s the right thing to do.
Make this your lifelong motto: “I respectfully do not care.” Say it to anyone who passes judgment on something you strongly believe in or something that makes you who you are. People will inevitable judge you at some point anyway, and that’s OK. You affected their life; don’t let them affect yours.
And when you need a quick reminder or a dose of encouragement, refer to this list of things you shouldn’t have to justify to anyone else:
Why you’re putting yourself first. – During a 2011 television interview, Michelle Obama was asked if she thought it was at all selfish that she has openly admitted to making herself her first priority, to which the First Lady replied, “No, not at all. It’s practical…. a lot of times we just slip pretty low on our own priority list because we’re so busy caring for everyone else. And one of the things that I want to model for my children is investing in themselves as much as they invest in others.” Spot on advice if you ask me! There are only a few people in this world who will stay 100% true to you, and YOU should be one of them. Prioritize your own needs into your daily to-do’s.
- The need to express your emotions. – Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional. There’s no reason to be ashamed for feeling something or acting out on it if it’s real to you. It’s a sign that you have a big heart, and that you aren’t afraid to let others know it. Showing your emotions is a sign of human strength. The people who judge you for being human, and not being modest, emotionless, and “in line,” are the ones who need to apologize.
- Your weirdness. – Where’s your will to be weird? Where’s your resolution to be real? Truth be told, it’s not weird to be weird. Everybody is weird in some way. You must celebrate your individuality and not be embarrassed of it. If you’re lucky enough to have something that makes you different from everybody else, don’t be ashamed and don’t hide it. (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)
- Being unapologetically YOU. – We are never more alive than when we are being brave, and we can’t be brave unless we are willing to take off our masks and be ourselves. It’s about finding the courage to be real. When perfectionism of any kind is driving us, shame is always riding shotgun and fear is the backseat driver. Don’t do this to yourself. Let go of trying to be “perfect” in the eyes of others, and just be who you are.
- Not taking things personally. – When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless worrying and suffering. Some people may tell you it’s best to stand up for yourself and fight back, but the best offense is always a good defense. Defend yourself from others by not taking the things they say and do personally. Truth be told, if you take everything personally, you will remain offended for the rest of your life. What other people do is because of them, not you. Period.
- Deciding to forgive. – Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is for those who are confident enough to stand on their own two legs and move forward. In order to move forward, you must know why you felt the way you did, and why you no longer need to feel that way. It’s about accepting the past completely, letting it be, and lifting your spirit with good intentions. Nothing empowers your ability to heal and grow as much as your love and forgiveness.
- Who you choose to spend your time with. – In the end, the best investment of your limited time on Earth will be to spend it with people you love. Although it’s perhaps conceivable that you may lie on your deathbed someday regretting that you didn’t work harder and check every little thing off your to-do list, it’s doubtful that your work will be your biggest concern. What’s more likely, however, is that you will wish you could have one more romantic night with your spouse, another long, heartfelt talk with your sister, and one last good hard laugh with your best friend. Life is too short to be too busy for the people you love.
- Not perfectly measuring up to everyone else’s progress. – Don’t compare your progress in life with that of others. We all need our own time to travel our own distance. In fact, two of the most amazing couples I know didn’t meet each other until they were in their late 30’s. One of these couples just had their first child in their early 40’s. The lesson here is simple: Great things in life don’t happen when society tells you they’re supposed to happen – they happen when they’re meant to be. So remember, you don’t have to make excuses about why you aren’t married with children, or working a traditional 8-5 job, or making a certain amount of money, etc. Our lives are not all meant to be scripted the same exact way.
- Why you have failed, and why you aren’t scared to fail again. – Failure is the opportunity to begin again, smarter than before. Forget what others have told you. Fail often, fail fast, clean it up, learn from it, move on, and then repeat. Just because things didn’t work out for you today, doesn’t mean there’s not something big in store for you tomorrow. Rest easy and get ready. Don’t waste your energy justifying yourself to the naysayers.
- The young-minded, foolish things you once did. – I don’t entirely approve of some of the things I have done in my life. But I am me. And I would not be me if I hadn’t learned along the way. The same is true for you. All wise old people were once young and foolish; that’s how they became wise. Don’t be ashamed of who you had to be to get to where you are today.
- Dressing down and not looking all fixed up every second. – Angel and I have helped thousands of coaching clients overcome self-esteem issues, and physical appearance almost always has something to do with it. As a client we coached this morning put it, “Whenever I leave the house looking anything less than airbrushed and fashionable and then run into someone I know, I tend to feel the need to apologize for not looking a certain way.” That’s ludicrous! You don’t have to apologize to someone else for not looking a certain way; you have to apologize to yourself for feeling like you had to in the first place.
- Your healthy eating habits. – Too often our culture associates healthy eating habits with fad diets and weight loss marketing schemes. But there’s also something called healthy eating as a means to actual good health, not weight loss, not some crazy diet, or anything else. Why do we need to stand up for ourselves when we choose to eat healthy? Because for some reason, people tend to be skeptical that a person would actually just want to treat their body right and not be perpetually concerned with their shape and size. Eat healthy because it’s good for your health. Ignore the critics.
- Working extra hard on your dreams. – When people try to inspire you, they’ll often tell you all kinds of sensible and heartfelt things like: “Follow your dreams. Listen to your heart. Find your inner voice and let it sing. Change the world. Make your mark. Embrace your challenges. Keep dreaming big. Dream some more. In fact, dream and don’t stop dreaming until all of your dreams come true.” And all of this is fine and dandy, but the problem is a lot of people dream… and that’s all they do. And while they are busy dreaming, the really happy people, the really successful people, the really remarkable, passionate, and powerful people, are busy doing something with their dreams. Be one of them.
- Choosing to smile through your struggles. – Not every day will be good, but there will be something good about every day. Notice it. Ignore the negativity around you. None of us know the exact paths we will travel or the trials that will come our way. The secret is to find joy in the journey. The more obstacles you overcome, the stronger you become. Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving; you just get stronger and more resilient. Smiling and appreciating each step you take is the smartest choice. Your positivity will help you realize that sometimes the bad things that happen in your life put you on a direct path to the best possible things that could ever happen to you.
- The things you hope for. – They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. I couldn’t agree more. We all do a lot of talking about the importance of the first two, but don’t forget to nurture your hope too. And remember, hope isn’t the belief that life will always give you what you want; it’s the belief that life will gradually reveal what’s right.
- Why you feel completely justified already. – You don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks. You are enough right now. You have nothing to justify. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. You will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the justification only YOU can give yourself.
Bottom line: Constantly trying to justify yourself to everyone else forces you to miss out on the beauty of simply being yourself, with your own unique ideas, desires, and life experiences. If you are led through life only doing and being what you’ve come to believe is expected of you, then, in a way, you cease to live… you merely exist.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…
Do more than just exist! We all exist. The question is: Do you live?
reblogged from www.marcandangel.com
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