by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 31, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Sometimes we try to show the world we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone, but we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of who we think others want us to be, we open ourselves up to real relationships, real happiness, and real success.
There is no need to put on a mask. There is no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You have nothing to prove to anyone else, because…
1. The people worth impressing just want you to be yourself.
In the long run, it’s better to be loathed for who you are than loved for who you are not. In fact, the only relationships that work well in the long run are the ones that make you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself, and without preventing you from outgrowing the person you used to be.
Ignore the comparisons and expectations knocking at your door. The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday. Prove yourself to yourself, not others. The RIGHT people for you will love you for doing so, and they will appreciate all the things about you that the WRONG people are intimidated by. Bottom line: Don’t change so people will like you; be patient, keep being your amazing self, and pretty soon the RIGHT people will love the REAL you.
2. No one else really knows what’s best for YOU.
Don’t lose yourself in your search for acceptance by others. Walk your path confidently and don’t expect anyone else to understand your journey, especially if they have not been exactly where you are going. You have to take the steps that are right for you; no one else walks in your shoes.
Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being true to yourself, you put something breathtaking into the world that was not there before. You are stunning when your passion and strength shines through as you follow your own path – when you aren’t distracted by the opinions of others. You are powerful when you let your mistakes educate you, and your confidence builds from firsthand experiences – when you know you can fall down, pick yourself up, and move forward without asking for anyone else’s permission.
3. YOU are the only person who can change YOUR life.
In every situation you have ever been in, positive or negative, the one common thread is you. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to recognize that regardless of what has happened up to this point in your life, you are capable of making choices to change your situation, or to change the way you think about it. Don’t let the opinions of others interfere with this prevailing reality.
What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends entirely on what you choose to do with your time and energy. So stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Just keep living your truth. The only people that will fault you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.
4. Society’s materialistic measurement of worth is worthless.
When you find yourself trapped between what moves you and what society tells you is right for you, always travel the route that makes you feel alive – unless you want everyone to be happy, except you. No matter where life takes you, big cities or small towns, you will inevitably come across others who think they know what’s best for you – people who think they’re better than you – people who think happiness, success and beauty mean the same things to everyone.
They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are. But you know better than that – material things don’t matter. Don’t chase the money. Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive. Go for the things of greater value – the things money can’t buy. What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth. If you’re lucky enough to have any of these things, never sell them. Never sell yourself short.
5. Life isn’t a race; you have nothing to prove.
Everyone wants to get to the top of the mountain first and shout, “Look at me! Look at me!” But the truth is, all your happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing, not while you’re sitting at the top. Enjoy the journey by paying attention to each step. Don’t rush through your life and miss it. Forget where everyone else is in relation to you. This isn’t a race. You get there a little at a time, not all at once.
Let go of the foolish need to prove yourself to everyone else, and you’ll free yourself to accomplish what matters most to you. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that you don’t have to always be and do what everyone else is being and doing.
6. The path to all great things passes through failure.
You are an ever-changing work in progress. You don’t have to always be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong. Screwing up is part of the process. Looking like a fool sometimes is the only way forward. If you try too hard to impress everyone else with your “perfection,” you will stunt your growth. You will spend all your time looking a certain way, instead of living a certain way.
It’s impossible to live without failing sometimes, unless you live so cautiously that you aren’t really living at all – you’re merely existing. If you’re too afraid of failing in front of others, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to be successful in your own eyes. You have to remember that it doesn’t matter how many times you fail or how messy your journey is, so long as you do not stop taking small steps forward. In the end, those who don’t care that failure is inevitable are the ones that reach their dreams. YOU can be one of them.
7. It’s impossible to please everyone anyway.
Some people will always tell you what you did wrong, and then hesitate to compliment you for what you did right. Don’t be one of them, and don’t put up with them.
When you run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you and treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all, don’t consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval. And be sure not to leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply walk away and let karma deal with the things they say and do, because any bit of time you spend on these people will be wasted, and any bit of hate and aggravation in your heart will only hurt you in the end.
Afterthoughts
You don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks. You are enough right now. You have nothing to prove. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. You will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the validation only YOU can give yourself.
Reblogged from Marc Chernoff\’s site www.marcandangel.com (more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 28, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
The Economics of Too Many Projects
It’s easy to get caught up in a good idea. You buy the domain immediately, and get to work.
Wait 48 hours.
I learned about the 48 hour rule from Dan and Ian, and it’s so money.
If in 48 hours you still think you have an excellent idea, then start planning and see where it goes.
Think about it, if you’re going to create 100 niche sites that’s over $1k/annually in domain registration alone. Not to mention creating content, hosting the sites, keeping everything up to date and fresh – that get’s really expensive, really quickly.
Especially when the majority of your sites are probably never going to be profitable.
Now imagine if you had one site that you put the same amount of time and money into. In my experience, most people are better off creating one site than dozens. It’s easier to provide value and in turn become profitable than it is with tons of small sites or projects that die before even getting off the ground.
So, How Do You Decide What Project to Take On?
When you’re first getting started, I’m a firm believer that you should pick one project or business model and ride that out until you’re absolutely confident in your ability to take on something new.
I started out building my skills and writing this blog. It was over a year before I started my next (personal) site, Daily HDR. It was a great idea in theory, but now it hasn’t been updated in months.
Realistically I didn’t take on a personal project that was successful until almost 18 months after beginning the first one.
Why?
Because everything I did on the first business (the blog), was laying the foundation for the next one, Overcoming the Fear of Uncertainty.
I was building skills, establishing expertise, and garnering a small following to put myself in a good spot to be successful.
Then slowly but surely, I began adding other projects to my core business.
Everyday I have a new idea for a fun project, and sometimes I’ll even buy a domain. However, I don’t go full speed ahead until I know the following:
- That there’s a need for what I’m providing
- That there’s the potential to profit
- That I have both the interest and the time to invest in the new project
So, how should you go about finding new projects? Here’s what I do:
Step #1: Assess Your Current Situation
What’s your current goal? Do you just want a little side business built around a hobby? Do you want something that will allow you to travel the world? Do you want to become the next millionaire entrepreneur?
Each of these goals has a different startup path.
Assess where you are, and then make sure you have the skills necessary to get started.
Step #2: Pick the ONE Project that Will Get You Closest to Your Goal Fastest
Are you trying to build a business as quickly as possible so you can quit your job and travel? Then stop trying to create a bunch of bullshit affiliate sites and start freelancing.
Pick one specialty, become a relative expert, and then get clients.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Freelancing is the best way to build your first business online.
Step #3: Stabilize the Business
Do you know how much money you’re going to bring in every month? Do you have clearly defined processes for managing clients and finding new ones? Is work coming to by word of mouth? Are you beginning to become well known in your niche?
Great, keep that going.
Before taking on any new, significant projects you want to make sure you have a solid base and are able to manage your current situation.
Step #4: Reassess Your Priorities and Select the Next Project
The chances are, whatever you choose to freelance in isn’t going to be something your totally passionate about. It’s going to be a means to being able to live out the things you are passionate about.
Once you’re freelance business is stable, then you can start thinking about other projects you want to take on that are more directly in line with what you like to do.
Two years after I began Location 180, we started up HDR Software. Once that was stable, Location Rebel was born. Then it wasn’t until a year later that Hacking the High Life was released.
Each of those are businesses built around fundamental interests of mine, but none of them started until the previous one was completely stable.
Step #5: Repeat
This is the thought process I go through every time I’m going to begin something that I know will be a significant investment of my time and money:
- Assess where I’m at
- Decide which project will get me to my desired goal the fastest
- Begin and stabilize the business
- Reassess priorities, and find the next opportunity.
Am I saying that you should absolutely, no matter what just take on one project or business? No, I’d be a complete hypocrite if that’s what I was suggesting. I love having multiple projects; it’s what keeps everything fresh and interesting for me.
However I am saying you should do your best not to overextend yourself. Once you have a base, each future project gets easier and easier to take on, because of the work you’ve put in previously.
Put in the work up front to build your core, and then expand into the fun stuff down the road.
See more at SeanOgle.com
(more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 26, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
While many of us subconsciously believe that we use language to objectively represent reality, the research says otherwise. The research supports the idea that language creates reality. In other words, it is not only true that we are what we eat, but it is also true that we live what we believe.
Language has tremendous power of suggestion the more we “suggest” something, the more likely we are to take action that makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Let’s look at some statements I have heard over the past few weeks:
-
• I can’t do this.
-
• I don’t know what I want.
-
• I am not as smart has him.
-
• She never listens to what I have to say.
- • We can’t communicate at all.
-
• We just can’t agree on anything.
- • There is no more trust here.
-
• I have no idea how to advocate for myself.
- • I can never make it on my own.
The feelings behind these words are very powerful, but what reality do they invite when repeated again and again? The truth is, it doesn’t take long to convince ourselves (and others) that we really can’t …., don’t know how to ….., will never be able to ….., aren’t as smart as ….., and so on. The more we state it, the more we believe it, the quicker it becomes reality.
But what if the opposite were also possible? What if language could also create a more positive, hopeful and empowered reality than the one we are currently experiencing?
In a 2010 TED Talk, Caroline Casey shares a truly extraordinary experience confirming the absolute power of suggestion in the mind – the way in which language creates reality. (Because I do not want to ruin the impact of this talk, no synopsis, just a “must watch” link.)
The scientific research community supports this claim as well. In a 2013, Scientific American article, Your Thoughts Can Release Abilities Beyond Your Normal Limits, you can read about research studies in which outcomes of control groups vs. experimental groups are altered solely based upon the power of suggestion.
So, as you are going about your day, navigating what life places in front of you, here are some suggestions for leveraging the power of suggestion to point you in a more positive, empowered and hopeful direction:
Adopt the word “yet.”
Whenever someone tells me they do not know the answer to a question or don’t know how to do something, I teach them to include the simple word “yet” at the end of the statement. “I don’t know how to look for a job – yet.” ‘Yet’ definitively suggests that the knowledge or understanding is on its way, rather than completely unavailable.
Focus on “what went right”
Virtually every moment of very day gives us the opportunity to choose how to focus our thoughts and attention. Are you upset because it is raining or feeling grateful because you remembered to bring an umbrella? Do you beat yourself up because you burned the dinner or pat yourself on the back because you have a great back up plan – ice cream for dinner at the end of a hot summer day is one of my favorites! Do you panic all the way to work because you spilled coffee on your suit, or walk into your meeting and recognize this as an opportunity to give your stressed-out staff permission to be human and imperfect. Our mind is wired to notice the negative, and we can train it to see the positive.
Replace “must,” “have to,” and “need to” with WANT
How many times per day do we walk around saying things like, I have to…., I need to…., I must….. These phrases lock us into narrow places. I accomplish them and I avert disaster or a negative outcome; I do not fully achieve them and I am a failure. Either way, my reality is a narrow place of bordered on one side by temporary and fleeting moments of safety and bordered on the other by failure and demise. When I “want” to do something, it refocuses our thoughts and attention on what there is to gain, opportunities that are available, and what makes us happy.
As in Caroline’s story, language alone is not sufficient to create reality, but language coupled with belief is what points the needle of life’s compass in a particular direction. Once the needle is pointing where you want to go, then it is about taking action in that direction.
So if you have been standing on the fence about a decision, beating yourself up for failures or falling short, or notice that your mind spends most of its time consumed with the negative, try intentionally shifting a few of those 15,000+ utterances per day in a new direction. And when you are clear about wanting to point the needle in a new direction and take the actions to get there, contact me. I am eager to journey with you to a new reality.
Adina Laver is the author of the Divorce Companion™ and founder of Divorce Essentials™, a specialized divorce coaching and support service for those who are considering, in the midst of, or post-divorce and are committed to a healthy path for reclaiming their lives.
(more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 24, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
After taking my son to start his first year of college in North Carolina, I came home to Providence with a little ache in my heart to have him gone. I was also tired from a couple of days travel and activities and was looking forward to a good nights sleep in my own bed.
My cat, Althea, had different plans. She was not happy that I had left her at home so she woke me up at 7am by breaking glasses. I am serious. She broke two glasses!
You should know that I had someone stay at the house with her for most of the time that I was gone. She was well cared for, even entertained, but for her that did not matter. She did not get what she felt entitled to.
So, she gave me the cat version of the middle finger.
She is now sleeping soundly on her chair like nothing ever happened. So what is the moral of the story?
No matter how hard you try, the people who love you may get angry if they don’t get what they want.
Why is this important? Think about choices have you made to avoid making others upset. Or how often have you doubted your direction because you made others upset? Or, even, how often have you not expressed your pleasure or displeasure to avoid upsetting others? Next question is: How much do you think this effects your success and fulfillment?
You can’t create success or fulfillment if you pay too much attention to every whim and mood of the people around you. I am not saying not to care. In fact, the central focus of my life and work is about caring more. If we shut down and turn off we are not going to like ourselves or our work. But, we do need to learn to care about the right things.
The right things are:
Did I do the best I could?
Did I act in a way that is in line with my values?
Did I stay true to my intention?
We also need to determine when a negative reaction is a sign that we are letting go of what no longer serves us or when it is a sign that we are going in the wrong direction. Sometimes the frustration of another person can be a reason to jump to the conclusion that “it is a sign” you are going in the wrong direction.
Really, It is a moment to check in with yourself.
How do you feel about what you are doing and where you are heading? If you feel good when you think about your direction then keep going things are just shifting around you. If you don’t feel good about your direction then really pause to take in the feedback. See how it can help inform you about your next steps.
(more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 21, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
When most people talk about “success,” they’re often referring to outer things like money, title, and promotions. But in reality, these outer accomplishments almost never bring a lasting sense of happiness or success. They’re fleeting, and the goalposts are constantly shifting.
Instead, real success is a deeper, more satisfying experience of the heart, mind, and spirit, where the individual has committed to continuous, bold and empowering action that helps him/her feel confident, authoritative, and valuable to others in ways that are personally meaningful.
In over 10 years of working with career professionals, I’ve seen that the majority of people who reach out to me are actually not in a state of readiness for the success they desire. They think they are, but they haven’t taken the right actions or developed appropriate mindsets and behaviors that would help them reach – and sustain — the success they dream of. They’re just not there yet.
There are nine core categories of career success readiness that need to be mastered for professionals to achieve the success and fulfillment they long for (and these applies to any industry, field or function, and any level, for both men and women).
These nine categories of career success readiness are:
Understanding yourself deeply
You can’t achieve success on terms that are personally meaningful to you if you don’t know yourself. Each of us has a distinct set of values, interests, histories, standards of integrity, non-negotiables and preferences that make up our own unique picture of success. If you don’t know yourself intimately, the outcomes you’re focused on won’t end up generating the experience of success you want.
Using your natural talents>/b>
I learned this the hard way, as have many of my clients – just because you’re great at a certain skill set doesn’t mean you enjoy using it in your work. The most successful, fulfilled professionals use talents every day in their work that come naturally to them, that emerged early in their lives and they enjoy immensely. You need to identify those natural talents that you use instinctively, with ease and grace. Those are the talents to focus on in your career if you want a lasting experience of success and happiness.
Engaging with people you respect and admire (including mentors and sponsors)
You can’t create lasting success if you operate alone, in a vacuum, with no one in your corner to support you. If you find yourself isolated, with no role models, mentors, or sponsors, it’s a sign that you’re not ready for the success you dream of. You need fabulous people in your support community to help bolster you to the next level.
Setting goals and making decisions that support you
The type of success most people want isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s not a prize that just falls in your lap. Forget the idea of a tipping point where you suddenly wake up “having it all.” Success requires hard work (often tedious and painstaking) and continued commitment. It also takes effective decision-making and S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely) goal-setting.
Committing continuously to your growth
A key to helping people grow exponentially is helping them stretch out of their comfort zone and close their “power gaps.” Power gaps are areas where people feel most insecure, vulnerable, and ashamed. When people address, heal or revise those areas, the growth is quick and astounding. What are the areas in your life and work where you feel “less than” and insecure – and what can you do to close those gaps today?
Relating in a healthy way to money, and having a keen understanding of financial and business realities Lasting success will elude you if you’re broken down in how you view, and deal with, money. Many of us have a damaged relationship with money, and are forever chasing or resenting it, instead of attracting, embracing, and appreciating it. Money is a form of energy, and if you’re blocked around it, so will be your experience of success. In addition, if you’re running your own business, you need a solid, emotionally-neutral understanding of the financial and business realities you’re facing. A “Build It and They Will Come” mentality without a solid financial and business grounding is a recipe for disaster.
Balancing and integrating life and work (and dealing effectively with stress)
I know so many people who’ve achieved outer “success,” only to have sacrificed everything in the process. They wake up, often in midlife, to the horrible realization that they’ve given up everything that matters to them, just to rise to the top of the heap in their field. If you aren’t able to integrate or balance successfully your work endeavors with your identity as an individual outside of the work you do, you’ll suffer. And if the stress and strain of your work is making you sick and sad every day, it’s time to rethink your definition of success.
Being of use in the world
Thousands of people hit midlife and suddenly feel an aching disappointment – they realize that what they’ve been clamoring for in their 20s and 30s now feels empty and meaningless. Perhaps it’s seeing the world through older, wiser eyes, or experiencing the mortality of their parents and friends that awakens people to wanting to do something more purposeful in the world. (This was me, and here’s a brief video of my story.) Whatever the cause, midlife professionals often wake up to the desire to build a new legacy that they can be proud of. In the end, you won’t feel successful if your work is meaningless to you.
Marketing yourself in a compelling way
Finally, in today’s times, because of the global competition we all face, if you can’t market yourself and communicate powerfully about your great talents, you won’t succeed in the way you hope. Gone are the days in which you could leave marketing to someone else. You have to know how you’re special and amazing, and how you stand apart from the best of the best in your field, and share that openly and confidently. You need to be your own best advocate, and you can do it without being a braggart. You just have to learn how.
* * * * Reblogged from Forbes.com. For more by Kathy Caprino, visit kathycaprino.com. (more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 19, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
When I met Larry Winget for the first time he was telling the story of how after working his tail off to become a professional public speaker he basically woke up one day and realized he hated his life. I listened and thought to myself, “Wow, how does that happen?”
I have always been so staunchly focused on creating the life that I want for myself, I didnt think that I would ever have that kind of experience…
I don’t think I got to the place that Larry Winget got too. I didn’t feel like it was all wrong BUT I definitely felt all the places in my life where I was not doing it my way and I was not as happy as I could be.
Afterall, isn’t my work about fulfillment?
I Did It My Way
\”For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught. To say the things he truly feels; And not the words of one who kneels. The record shows I took the blows – And did it my way!\”
Frank Sinatra
It is true, as Sinatra says, that if we don’t have ourselves we have nothing and also true is that we are made the way we are made because we have something very special to offer. When we realize this, we have something fabulous –we have the recipe for success and fulfillment.
Why do I need to say this?
Well in situation after situation, home, school, jobs…we are told that we need to make ourselves fit the mold. We are told this so much that even if we feel that we are staunchly devoted to doing it our way, we can still get worn down little by little.
Sometimes this process helps us see even more of yourself and sometimes it obscures it.
Time will let us know… And our own level of happiness.
So my words of wisdom for the day are: If you find yourself leaving parts of you behind that truly made you happy, go back and get them! What is back there will definitely make you happier and may be the key to your success. It has been for Larry and I.
(more…)
