by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 18, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Recently, I was asked in an interview: do you have any advice for people who struggle with fear?
The interviewer pointed out that everyone struggles with fear as they move towards what they really want.
And I have to agree. Whether it\’s a fear that stops us in our tracks or a low-level feeling of anxiety, our ability to deal with fear can make or break us.
So, for this week\’s article I\’d like to start a conversation about what fear is. At it\’s most basic level, fear is a biological response. When we feel afraid, certain chemicals flood our brain and, in turn, motivate our behavior. When we\’re able to understand our fear at a cellular and bodily level, we\’re better equipped to manage it\’s effect on our everyday lives.
If you struggle with fear, I highly recommend that you check the book, Rewire Your Anxious Brain. It\’s one of the resources I used for this newsletter.
How You Can Break the Spell of Fear
Let\’s be clear here – fear is a response to an actual threat. Anxiety is a response to an assumed or possible threat. So, check in with your feelings. If you\’re truly afraid, listen to your body. Maybe you\’re headed in the wrong direction or maybe you need to take extra measures to protect yourself. If you\’re anxious, this is a different story.
Skills that help us deal with anxiety most often effect the frontal cortex of our brains. This is important. When we change the way we think about a given situation, we can feel more confident and less fearful. Recently, neuroscientists have concluded that the amygdala – an almond sized part of our brain involved with our experience of our emotions – plays a vital role in the way we respond to our environment. And because of this, new approaches to working with fear are emerging.
The amygdala causes a very quick physical response to certain stimuli. It drives you to be hyper-attentive to your surroundings and provokes a fearful response when it sees a potential threat. This has a powerful effect on our feelings of anxiety. Yet, it should be noted that the amygdala has helped us survive throughout time by attuning us to potential danger.
However, the amygdala can sometimes produce unwanted symptoms. The most noticeable of these being panic attacks. The chemicals released by the amygdala influence the way our brain works. When your amygdala is hyper-active, you may experience a feeling of chronic anxiety and changes to the way you think.
So, if you\’re feeling stuck and unable to move forward in your life or business, if you find all sorts of reasons not to do things you know you should do, if you overwork yourself to the point of ineffectiveness, or if your avoid important steps forward, you\’d benefit from cultivating a greater understanding of how your body\’s response to anxiety might stymie your efforts towards success.
There are two main components to clearing up this primal fight, flight or freeze response. The first is learning to relax the body and the second is building new neural pathways around certain stimuli.
Relaxation can take the form of deep breathing and meditation. This is best done on a daily basis. Research has shown that a meditation practice of 15 minutes a day can provide quick, measurable and positive change for those suffering with anxiety. When you learn to relax the body and quiet your mind, you\’re able to reverse the effects of an activated amygdala. This process supports our efforts to change our thinking when we\’re triggered by things that happen in our personal or professional lives.
Building new neural pathways can include efforts to eliminate established pathways that lead to anxious thinking, to train the body to have a different response when exposed to a triggering stimulus, and to create a positive connection to a trigger rather than a negative one.
Eliminating the connection between a trigger and an emotional reaction is the purpose of therapies such as EMDR and EFT. Both therapeutic modes work to create new associations in the brain. To do this, a therapist will ask a patient to recall something that triggers them. Then the therapist provides the patient with an alternate stimulus to break the connection between that stimulus and the anxiety response.
Peter Levine is responsible for much innovation and growth in our understanding about how anxiety can be treated somatically. Levine believes that traumas are locked in the body and may not be available to the conscious mind. This means that the process to free ourselves from anxiety begins when we recognize where we\’re holding our traumas and assist the body to release them.
Positive associations to triggering stimuli can be made through guided imagery, imagination, and real time exposure to triggers with a deliberate focus on a positive outcome. Because it takes time to develop new neural pathways, the more ways that we can approach a trigger and build new connections the better.
I leave you with a parting thought about anxiety. The most important thing you can do to help yourself overcome anxiety is to deeply care for and affirm all of who you are. The act of doing this doesn\’t just change the brain and alter the chemicals in your system that allow you to feel better and less anxious. Self-care and self-affirmation supports the essence of who you are. And this makes you stronger and more resilient in all aspects of your life.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 8, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
This week I made the bold move to move to a country farmhouse outside of Providence. This has been part of my plans for the last 10 years and is the first of many steps forward. I always knew that when my son went off to college I\’d decide what I\’d do next.
Yet, this is easier said than done.
My life is changing in major ways now that it\’s no longer organized around raising my son. I\’m responsible only for myself for the first time in years. At times, this has left me feeling like I\’m 20 years old and trying to figure out what I want from my life all over again.
Rather than coming up with a concrete plan, I\’ve decided to explore different options and leave the door open to opportunities that feel right to me. I have no idea if I\’ll spend my next 10 years on a farm or if I\’ll quickly recognize my move as vestiges of a long-past dream.
One thing is for sure, though: open space and nature connects me to my spirituality and ultimately awakens my best self. So, one way or another, I\’ll build the natural world into my plan.
Reconnect With Your Spiritual Self
There are times in our lives where the spiritual aspect of our experience moves to the side-line. And, for some of us, spirituality may not be part of our lives at all.
There are many reasons why this happens.
For some people, the religion they subscribed to ceased to make sense to them. In the process of putting down their religion they put down their spirituality as well. Many people who do this cannot see how spirituality and religion can exist separately.
For others, the day-to-day is so overwhelming that there is little room to attend to the spiritual aspects of their lives. As Maslow clearly outlined: we cannot begin to address our higher needs until we address our base needs for food, shelter, and water.
Some people have never had a connection to the spiritual. They were raised in an environment that did not honor the spiritual and so they did not learn how to connect with their internal sense of spirituality.
Spirituality means many things to many people. Some people might associate it with a magical feeling, others a state of inner calm, and others a sense of being connected. Personally, I define it as the knowledge that there is a consciousness to all things.
People often tap into their spirituality when in a specific state, such as how they feel after meditation, yoga or a sermon. They link their spiritual experience to an event and then seek that event with a measure of satisfaction. Yet, spirituality is not so much a goal as it is a process.
With this in mind, it becomes easier to reconnect with our spirituality in an everyday way, especially if we feel we\’ve lost touch with it.
Let go of what doesn’t work so you can let in what does work
If your religion no longer aligns with your beliefs, if you\’re turned off by some of the atrocities committed in the name of religion, or if you can not put science on hold to believe a literal interpretation of the creation myth, put down these thoughts.
Why? Because, despite the idea that faith requires you to accept the beliefs of your religion whole-cloth, most spiritual teachers think for themselves. Past atrocities made in the name of religion have less to do with faith and more to do with small-minded human behavior. Spirituality does not create harm to others. Hateful, fearful, and judgmental people do.
I encourage you to look for what makes sense to you, what creates meaning for you, and what helps you be a better person. Make these things part of your spiritual life regardless of what they look like.
You\’ve got something to learn from the disconnect
Maybe you once felt very spiritually connected, but you do not feel that way now. When this happens, we can feel that we\’ve lost something and we jump to all sorts of conclusions about what this means about us.
Yet, our moments of spiritual disconnection are just as meaningful as our moments of spiritual connection. These difficult times have their own sweet reward and often teach us how to open more deeply to our spiritual truths.
When we learn to surrender to our heart, reach toward higher ideals, and let go of our shallow needs our experience becomes more profound and meaningful. We learn that what we need to be deeply fulfilled is here and now in the present moment.
Instead of looking for change, take a look at what you are resisting and see if you can embrace it.
Hit the pause button
A moment of pause is infinitely important and almost always helpful.
Simply put, if we stop and let what is happening around us sink into our consciousness, we reconnect to the truth of our experience. The only thing we need to do is to stop long enough to let this happen.
We can stop in different ways. We can go on a retreat or spend a weekend at home being quiet. We can stop the raging of our anger and create space for love in our heart. We can stop the chatter of our mind and allow for more presence. Ideally, we can do all of these.
If you don’t have time to pause your life, do what you can. Even brief pauses like stopping to take a few deep breaths can bring in a deeper connection to yourself and what is around you. Over time the effects will become noticeable.
Remember, spirituality is a process and it doesn\’t come with dogma. So, open up, explore and find your own pathways to your spiritual connection.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 30, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
A few years ago, I watched as many of my friends who owned their own businesses ran themselves ragged. I watched as they over-worked themselves and moved further away from the benefits of being an entrepreneur. I thought to myself, \”this is not right. Why be in business for yourself if you\’re going to sacrifice your quality of life?\”
I decided then and there to better understand why many of my fellow entrepreneurs make this sacrifice.
I\’ve come to see this issue as bigger than an out-of-whack life-work balance. I see it as a happiness crisis.
We tend to look for happiness in all the wrong places. We leave dysfunctional jobs or relationships only to recreate the same dysfunction all over again. We give our all to something that we think will bring us joy, and in the end we just tire ourselves out.
The want for happiness is a great engine for change. Yet, when we know we\’re unhappy and don\’t know how to create the happiness we seek, that engine can stall out.
Everyday I see how our ideas about success hoodwink us. Because as much as we think that reaching a certain level of success is going to bring us the happiness we seek –it\’s just not.
I\’m on a mission to support people in growing their whole lives in ways that bring them TRUE happiness.
And TRUE happiness comes when we learn to care for ourselves, each other and the world. This is the next major social revolution – and it\’s going to happen at both an individual and collective level.
4 Creative + Inspiring Things You Can do to Care for Those You Love (Including YOURSELF!)
According to Caroline Myss, \”the self\” that we now talk about is an idea that emerged in the nuclear age. By the 1950\’s, psychology and psychoanalysis had become accepted as a way of thinking about people and their behavior. In turn, the rich inner life that we all experience became just as real as the outer life we live.
This new way of thinking about \”the self\” ushered in the birth of self-care! Up to the 1950\’s people didn\’t talk about self-care. They didn\’t think about balancing their everyday life demands with things that foster their well-being. Fast forward to today, and self-care is a multi-billion dollar industry and an everyday conversation.
I think that the conversation about self-care leaves out one major thing: and that\’s inspiration. Inspiration is more than just happening upon a cleaver idea. It expresses our creativity and forges a path to real change in ourselves in our world. When you\’re inspired, you feel alive!
Ideas about self-care are mostly directed at how to eat, exercise, or think positively and less toward how to get inspired. Yet, how can we feed our spirit and nurture our soul without inspiration?
Feeding your soul is self-care. Self-care is all about honoring and caring for yourself in ways that matter most. When you\’re able to practice self-care your life becomes less of one huge to-do list and more of a field of abundant meaning and joy.
So to kick off the self-care revolution, here are 4 easy, rich, and deep ways YOU can bring more inspiration into your life.
Write a poem about someone you care for.
Inspiration is within reach most of the time. So, cozy up to your inner-bard and write a poem about your partner, your child or a good friend. See if you can capture what you love about them in this expressive form. If you brainstorm adjectives, qualities or feelings you associate with this person, you\’ll quickly create phrases that inspire you.
Notice the tiny, beautiful details and riff on them.
Say you\’re sitting at home or taking a walk through your neighborhood. Look around you, and free associate with what you see. For example, if you see thin blades of long grass growing by a wall, maybe they remind you of a time when you saw a piece of beautiful graffiti on a wall with grass just like that. Perhaps the grass near the wall reminds you of the eerie beauty and loneliness of neglected things. Let yourself wander into your thoughts. You\’ll be amazed where you wind up!
Create the most luxurious and perfect experience, FOR YOU.
If your version of self-care is to take a bath, a walk in the woods or get a massage, then it\’s time to take it up a notch. Make a decadent, fantastic, and yes inspired experience for YOURSELF. Try new things. Mix and match your experience. Take a bubble bath with candlelight, wine, chocolate, the smell of jasmine and opera music. Or, walk in the woods bundled in soft fabrics singing a song to yourself and noticing how the light hits things.
Give an impromptu gift that will make someone\’s day.
Tap into your inspiration and find something – or make something – that will let another person know how special they are to you. When you think about bringing pleasure to someone else’s life, you naturally think creatively and playfully about what\’s in the world and how to use it. And even better, when you give a gift your heart opens up and you feel satisfied on a deeper level.
It\’s too easy to let days slip by where we\’re distracted from what matters most. So challenge yourself to spend an hour each week doing one of these activities. It won\’t take long before you\’ll feel more inspired and your spirit will feel more nourished.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 24, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Let\’s face it – even though sex is everywhere these days, most of us are not comfortable talking openly about our sexuality and desire. And this is not necessarily because we\’re shy or we self-censor. When it comes right down to it, free-expression about the sex you have or want to have is still incredibly taboo in most cultures across the globe.
Yet, a healthy, expressive sex life is an essential part of a healthy, expressive life!
To help me start a conversation about sex, I\’ve invited my friend and Sexual Empowerment Coach, Amy Jo Goddard, to share her thoughts with us in this week\’s article.
So much of Amy Jo\’s work is about encouraging people to say what they desire. Often times, the desires we keep secret are the ones that hold the greatest potential to bring us the kind of fulfillment and satisfaction we seek. It takes courage and a willingness to be vulnerable to say what you want out loud. Yet, when you find your voice, you\’ll have a better chance at finding your pleasure.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR SEXUAL VOICE BY AMY JO GODDARD
I’ve struck a chord with my dialogue on “Finding the Sexual Voice.” Some people feel like their sexual voice is stifled, and always has been. Others are completely out of touch with it. And, many want to know how they can shift their sexual voice to authentically get their needs met. In any case, to understand the sexual voice, we first have to break it down.
The sexual voice is two-fold: We all have an internal voice and an external voice.
INTERNAL
Your internal sexual voice is the way you talk to yourself about your sexuality, the way you treat your body, the way you think and what you think when you are having sex, the stories you have believed and continue to tell yourself about sexuality, your desirability and your sexual life and desires.
In my Women’s Sexual Empowerment program we focus on the sexual story and herstory in our first weekend retreat and we do a powerful exercise that allows us to look at our collective sexual story. It opens us up to seeing what kinds of stories women are carrying, how they are viewing themselves and defining who they are, and what they have held onto. It’s so powerful. I wish everyone could have that experience because it can allow us to see that we are not alone, that others have had similar experiences or stories about themselves and we can develop a deep compassion for ourselves when we are witnessed in our stories.
Your internal story is what you carry around with you all the time. It’s the way you frame your sexuality and what happens to you inside. There are always embedded beliefs in the sexual story we carry internally. Things like, “It’s not normal that I don’t have orgasms, there must be something wrong with me.” Or “I’m not attractive enough/sexy enough/sexual enough/exciting, etc.” Or “I’ll never heal from my sexual abuse.” Or “I’m too old for sex…”
Hopefully we have positive beliefs about our sexuality that we carry: “I am totally lovable.” “I’m capable of amazing orgasms and pleasure and I feel good about my lack of inhibition.” “I love my body and it’s abilities.” “I’m a sexually desirable creature.”
Your internal voice impacts how you feel in your body, in your relationships, how present you are in sex, how much you enjoy your sexuality, how inhibited you are, and how you express your sexuality on a daily basis. It is essential that you do some work around your internal voice, stories and beliefs so that you can have a healthy outlook and framework for your sexual life.
EXTERNAL
Your external voice is how you talk about your sexuality and your body, how you flirt and approach people, how you put yourself out there, how you ask for what you want, and express your desire.
Your external voice will mirror some of the internal stories and your internal voice. Your level of positivity or negativity about sex, your insecurities, your frustrations, your healthy view of yourself, and your confidence all stem from that internal voice and are expressed verbally, emotionally and energetically.
Most people get really stuck in finding their external sexual voice for a variety of reasons. I can remember when I was younger the way a frog would get stuck in my throat when I wanted to express something in a sexual situation. If I wanted to make a request or ask for an adjustment it could feel like the hardest thing to do. I know many people struggle to tell a partner they want something different or to offer any instruction because then maybe their partner will get discouraged or think they are doing it wrong, or maybe it will hurt their feelings.
There are many ways the external voice shows up during sex. How do you communicate in the moment? How do you ask for what you want when you are in the throws of it? How do you shift gears? How do you make inviting requests?
There is a larger conversation that must happen around sex, and when you establish it with a partner, it becomes much easier to offer this kind of feedback: talking about what is working and what is not, talking about new desires and wishes, and discussing how to improve or build your sexual relationship.
Nothing builds deeper and more meaningful intimacy than learning to talk about sex in a way that feels empowered, exciting and fun. And even when it’s hard, it brings you closer. This is why I work with people so much on how to have these conversations and how to set up their sexual relationships for success and intimacy.
Now that you understand the dichotomy of the sexual voice, you can start to notice your patterns and responses within each aspect, and gather tools to break through to your authentic, empowered sexual voice.
______
As a Sexual Empowerment expert and thought leader, Amy Jo Goddard has guided thousands of people towards the wholeness and fulfillment they want, sexually and in other aspects of their lives. She earned her Master’s degree in Human Sexuality Education from New York University and has 20 years of experience in the sexuality field. As a renowned speaker and teacher, Amy Jo travels to colleges, communities, and conferences teaching classes and offering keynotes that help people to connect the dots around sexuality and money, expand their creativity, grow their confidence and learn to be bigger in their relationships, in business, and in the world.
She delivered her TEDx talk “Owning Your Sexual Power” in March, 2014 in Napa Valley, was named one of GO! Magazin’s “100 Women We Love” in 2010 and one of Kinkly’s ”100 Sex Blogging Superheros” in 2013.
Amy Jo is also the author of the upcoming book, WOMAN ON FIRE: 9 Elements to Wake Up Your Erotic Energy, Personal Power and Sexual Intelligence.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 21, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
In my 20’s, I learned that if I worked hard I could change my circumstances. In my 30’s, I learned that if I let myself love then, no matter the outcome, whatever I did would be worth it. Now in my 40’s, I can see that if I don\’t have peace on the inside then it doesn\’t matter how much love or money I have in my life.
The truth is, lasting happiness comes from one thing – and that\’s peace.
I was in Thailand a few years ago to meet with a Russian Shaman. True story. She told me that I was meant to work with people around happiness – to really help them to be happy with their life.
At this moment, I see how true her statement really is.
I used to think that happiness was overrated. Now, I think it\’s underrated. Nothing matters more in our lives than how we feel on the inside.
The True Meaning of Life
I believe the secrets of the universe will stay secret. However, I don\’t think this prevents us from creating lives full of meaning and joy. There are few things in life that bring us true happiness. And they\’re not what you think they are.
So what are these things? Let\’s start at the top:
Peace in Your Heart
I have to say it – even at the risk of sounding like every other self-help guru: peace on the inside is where it\’s at.
Life will always have its ups and downs. And yes, you can count on the universe to send something unexpected your way. We can either let ourselves feel tossed around by life\’s inevitable twists and turns. Or we can create a kind of internal stability that won\’t flinch when life throws us a curve-ball. This stability comes from a sense of inner-peace. When this is in place, we know in a deep way that we\’re always going to be okay regardless of what\’s happening around us.
So, stop for a moment and ask yourself: what would your life be like if you spent as much time creating peace in your heart as you do working at your job or on your business? What would happen if you made sure to take some \”you-time\” everyday to bring a little more peace into your heart? Why not create a little experiment to test out your hypothesis?
Time with Those that Matter
Grandparents around the world, join me for an AMEN! They know that time teaches us about what matters most and who matters most in your life. But why wait until you\’re older to benefit from this essential life lesson? Why not build your life around the people you really care about right now?
If this rings true to you, then try this out: once a week for the next month, make a plan to spend some time with someone you really love. Do something that you both enjoy. Those good feelings and good times will build good memories and will help to grow your sense of peace.
Doing Something you Love and That You are Good At
It doesn\’t matter if you get paid for it or not. When we do something we love and we\’re good at, we feel great. And this is exactly what many people refer to as \”life purpose.\” This is why life purpose has more to do with something we create than something we find.
When we start doing things we love and look for ways to offer them to the world, our skill and satisfaction naturally multiplies.
Dare to Dream
There\’s a reason that the idea of the “bucket list” became so popular so fast. People yearn for permission to do things that excite them, bring them joy, and make their life meaningful. We feel happy when we let ourselves dream and when we meet even a few of our dreams.
So, ask yourself: what do I dream of doing? Big or small. It doesn\’t matter. Pick one of your dreams and begin to do things that in time will make it a reality.
Go Deep
Life is too short to stay on the surface. So, to tap into a sense of lasting inner-peace, you\’ll need to find out what is really going on with you and those around you. Be willing to ask challenging questions. Take the risk to create intimacy. Our internal landscape has as much room to explore as our external one.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 10, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
When we talk about love, we often talk about the kind of romantic love we want to receive. We look for the partner or friend who will love us as we deeply want to be loved.
However, what happens when we reverse our desire to receive love and begin to think about desire to give love? We often forget that love is a constant our lives. Love is something we create. When we turn the love we have outwards, we can use it to create wonderful things in world.
Love is an essential part of successful leadership and positive outcomes. Staying connected to love as we grow in our ability to lead allows us to create a deeper impact in everything we do.
So, for this week\’s article, I\’m going to share three surprising and simple things you can do to help you lead with love.
Breathe In The Good Stuff
When we\’re lovingly connected to ourselves, we\’re better able to do things that make a positive impact on our world. One of the easiest ways to plug into ourselves is to take a big, deep breath.
Spiritual disciplines around the world emphasize the importance of the breath. When we inhale we take a little of the world into our bodies, and when we exhale we release a little bit of ourselves into the world.
People fail to breathe when they get tense or scared. They tighten up and hold their breath. This is because breathing encourages our connection to ourselves and to our environment.
And staying connected to ourselves is an essential part of being an impactful leader.
Here\’s one breathing exercise that can really help you anchor into yourself and to your sense of connectedness. Every day for a full week, take a few moments to draw in five full breaths at one time. Let these breaths fill up your lungs. When you inhale, imagine that you\’re breathing in love; on the exhale, breathe out all the love you took in. Imagine that the fullness of your heart and the fullness of the love around you is streaming in and out of your body.
Create a Wave of Kindness
Scott Adams once said: \”Remember, there\’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.\”
We\’ve all seen how our kindness can have a big impact on the world around us. People feel good when you\’ve shown them kindness. And those good feelings can ripple out into a much bigger wave.
When we\’re kind to those around us, we lead ourselves and others towards a way of interacting that\’s full of thoughtfulness and care.
For each day this week, do one kind thing for someone in your life. Do a favor for a co-worker. Or give some one you love some extra support. If you want to challenge yourself, do something kind for someone with whom you have a difficult relationship or for someone you\’ve been neglecting.
When All Looks Dark, Choose to See the Love
There\’s no denying it – there\’s a lot of suffering in the world. It can seem like the things we do to improve the world don\’t seem to put a dent in the suffering and despair we see all around us. But even in the worst of times and the worst of places, there are glimmers of love. And it really is within our ability to see them.
No matter where you are, or the current state of your life, take a few minutes every day for the next week to notice the many faces of love around you. They might be small – like a blade of grass through the pavement – but they are there.
