by Dr. Heléna Kate | Nov 29, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
When life\’s choices and challenges come our way, we easily get distracted and stop pursuing our goals. When we do this, we lose our mojo and feel purposeless or disenchanted with life.
I\’ve talked about how clarity around your vision, mission, and values helps you identify what you want to do and why you want to do it. And I\’ve talked about how setting goals and reframing obstacles are essential practices for creating a meaningful life. Yet, today, I\’d like to look at this another way.
While personal development tools are vital to transforming life challenges into meaning-making experiences, when you think of yourself as your \”personal brand\” you\’re able to make better decisions and make your challenges more fruitful.
Establishing a Personal Brand
There\’s a lot of talk about \”personal brand\” in business. \”Personal brand\” refers to the practice of marketing yourself, your career, and your history as a brand. It\’s often used as a method to increase your hire-ability or to grow your business. However, it\’s as important to consider our \”personal brand\” for our private lives as well. In truth – if I had it my way, there would be a lot more similarity and synergy between people’s work life and their personal life.
You\’re able to make choices, transform obstacles and create a sense of purpose when you have a clear sense of who you are and what you can and can’t do. This is not to pidgeon-hole you into a fixed personality or role. Rather, when you know who you are and what you can do, you\’re able to use that information to guide you towards the achievement of your goals.
I would like you to ask yourself the following questions. These are taken from Tom Collinger’s presentation on branding for leaders. I highly suggest spending some time with each one and write down your answers. Consider these questions from as many angles as you can think of: personal, emotional, relational, work, and more.
What are you good at?
What are you not good at?
What do you like?
What do you not like?
These very simple questions begin to show you dimensions of who you are. They also give you crucial input on what you contribute to the world around you and what you need to feel fulfilled. So, for example, if ¾ of your life is taken up by things that you don\’t like – even if you\’re good at doing them – you will not be very happy.
Things that you\’re not good at can be things you avoid doing or things you know you need to get help with. They can also be things that you need to practice and get better at.
The most important thing these questions point to is your skill-set. When you have a strong sense about what you\’re able to do, you can begin to build out your value. If you\’ve ever suffered from not liking yourself, critical thinking, or worrying about the future, then chances are you\’d benefit from knowing your value.
When we know our value we\’re able to adeptly work with whatever life throws our way. We feel more confident and more prepared. We make decisions that work for us and therefore feel better about our lives. We know where we “fit” in the scheme of things and can enjoy a sense of significance.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Nov 24, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
A quick scan of books on the ins-and-outs of \”relationships\” reveals four primary problem areas: money, time, communication and sex. While your romantic relationships may not suffer at all of these points, they most certainly will be challenged by one of them.
Even great relationships have their share of challenges. Often times these challenges are not an indicator of something unresolvable. Rather, they\’re a sign that we need to do something to change our perspective on the challenge.
I\’m going to cover 4 common relationship challenges and offer ways to reframe them. When we take the time to shift our perspective on what has seemed so difficult in our relationships, we can grow with our significant other and create a stronger partnership.
Challenge #1: Disagreements That Linger
Some of the things we fight about in our relationships don’t ever get resolved. Sometimes this is due to a lack of compatibility, which ultimately leads to the end of the relationship. Sometimes this is the result of poor communication. Yet, other times it\’s the outcome of our perspective on the disagreement.
Imagine if you always agreed with your partner. This would yield the most boring relationship ever. While some people are harmoniously syncopated at all times, for the rest of us, a little conflict goes a long way in keeping the spark in our relationships.
Without friction there\’s no progress. Disagreements help us grow. They also help us understand our partner more completely. Often, it\’s only when we disagree that we ask questions about our partner\’s perspective and pay close attention to what they say.
What if you saw your disagreements with your partner as an opportunity to get closer to them? Or at the very least, saw them as an occasion for you to get closer to your own truth? What if it was more important that you learn something about yourself through your disagreements and less important that you and your partner come to resolution?
Challenge #2: Different Sex Drives
People in relationship shy away from admitting that their sex drives or sexual preferences differ from their partners. They just don’t enjoy the same things or share the same level of desire. This undisclosed discrepancy leads people to have sex when they\’re not really into it or to meet their needs through an affair. It can also lead to resentment that acerbates the problem.
All too often couples look to their partner to fulfill their sexual needs. But, what if each person considered how they could express themselves as sexually whole person. In truth, a discrepancy in sexual interest is an opportunity to explore sexuality rather than a block to it.
So, ask yourself: How does my partner express his or her sexuality? Who am I as a sexual person outside of my partnership? And, do I feel like I\’m able to feel my sexuality as essential to my life? Questions like these help us reframe the circumstance of different sex drives.
Challenge #3: Getting the Chores Done
In a couple, one person is cleaner than the other. One person thinks that organized cupboards make a tidy home, while the other feels it\’s clean counters. One person feels they “always” have to do a particular chore. This same person tends to think that no one appreciates their effort to tend to their shared space.
Chances are if you\’ve cohabited with your partner, that you\’ve probably been rubbed the wrong way by some aspect of how your sweetheart lives in your shared space. Constructive feedback in these situations can be hard to give. No adult wants to hear that the way they\’ve been doing something for years is somehow wrong.
Too often we focus our attention on the negative. We see what the other person is not doing. Or we notice how they “did it again.\” But, what if we looked at our partner\’s frustrating habit as reminder of all the other things they do right? What if we chose to remember all that our partner does to contribute to your standard of living?
You could also re-frame it this way: would you rather have your partner in your life or be free from the problem of how they do – or do not do – a specific chore? The truth is that the dirty laundry on the floor, the dishes scattered around the house, or the foot prints on the floor are a sign that you have a special someone in your life.
Challenge #4: Lack of Time Together
Busy lives and work schedules take us away from the people we love. And while a little time away is supportive of a healthy relationship, a lot of time away can create problems.
In these instances, it\’s important to check in with yourself and ask yourself if this lack of time together is an outright avoidance of intimacy or indication of some other problem. If this is not the case, and instead life has conspired to give you a bit of distance from your mate, then take the opportunity to make the distance work for your relationship. Plan special things to do together when your busy schedules allow you two to connect.
Whether you\’re separated due to work or other reasons, it\’s wonderful to have some time to focus on your own needs and not your partner\’s needs. The time apart from your mate could be time that you dedicate to friends, family or studying something that interests you. Regardless of how you use it, take the time and give it to yourself!
Every challenge we face in a relationship is a portal of opportunity. Sometimes it just takes looking at it from another perspective to see how we can make it work for us rather than against us.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Nov 6, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Day-in and day-out, I talk to people who want to find their life purpose.
I make a point to pay close attention to what my clients, associates and colleagues say as they describe the purpose-driven life they seek to live. As I see it, my job is not simply to respond to what I hear, but rather to figure out how I can help those around me get what they really need to feel happier, healthier and more successful.
When people talk about finding their purpose they often also talk about identifying their passion. They want to have a sense of meaning in their life. They want to make a contribution.
I plan to get into great detail on what life purpose is REALLY all about and how to FULLY LIVE a purpose-driven life in my upcoming Morning Mindset series. So, if you\’re in the midst of finding your life purpose, this series is for you! Feel free to sign up here and I will contact you as soon as it\’s ready to go!
5 Myths About Life Purpose That It\’s Time To Let Go Of
Myth #1 Your Life Purpose is Your Vocation
This is one of the mistaken ideas that I tackle first when I talk to someone who wants to find their life purpose. Why is this myth about life purpose so pervasive? I think it\’s because we live in an increasingly work-centric society that doesn\’t teach us that there is a difference between our life purpose and our work. They are, in fact, two totally distinct things.
Truth be told, it\’s absolutely possible to integrate your life purpose into your work. HOWEVER, when people feel stuck and struggle to identify their purpose it\’s often because they\’ve come to think of their career as the place in which they\’ll find their purpose. Or, it\’s the reverse. In this scenario, people try to find their life purpose through the process of developing their career and meet with tremendous frustration. Either way it just does not work.
Solution #1: Ask yourself: \”Am I trying to trying to figure out my life purpose or my next career move?\” Allow yourself the space to see your life purpose and your career as separate things.
Myth #2 Your Life Purpose Can Only Be One Thing
Because people often conflate their career with their life purpose, they often think that their purpose is one specific thing.
As kids, when we\’re asked what we want to be when we grow up, we tend to say things like: \”I want to be a fireman\” or \”I want to be a ballerina.\” As adults, when we think about life-purpose, we mistakenly hyper-focus on a single outcome the same way we did when we were young. But this is not how things really work. Instead, once you begin to feel into what a purpose-driven life might look like, a number of options often emerge and many of them will be equally satisfying.
Solution #2 Don’t try and narrow things down too soon. Ask yourself why an idea appeals to you rather than if it\’s the right idea or not.
Myth #3 You Must Find Your Life Purpose Before You Start Living It
Our life purpose is intimately connected to what we love most. This means that when we start doing what we love we take our first steps along the path towards our purpose. This also means that we don’t need to wait to live a purpose-driven life. All we need to do is to determine what we love and do it as often as possible.
Solution #3 Do what you love to do. Discover more things you love to do. And make time to reflect.
Myth #4 Only a Fortunate Few Live Their Life Purpose
This is a tricky myth. On the one hand, a fortunate few actually do have a career that successfully integrates their life purpose. On the other hand, I\’m not sure if these people are particularly fortunate. It can be overwhelming to tie up your livelihood so closely to your passion.
When we recognize that our life purpose is a combination of what we most care about, what we love to do, and what we value, it becomes clear that we always have the option to live our life purpose. It\’s not necessary to fit our purpose into our career. Rather, it\’s necessary that we fit our purpose into our lives.
Solution #4 Figure out what you care most about, what you love most to do, and what you value the most and proceed from there.
Myth #5 You Should Be Able to Figure It Out On Your Own
It seems like common sense that WE ALONE should be able to figure out our life purpose. Right? It\’s ours after all.
But, sometimes we have a difficult time seeing it BECAUSE it\’s so closely connected to who we are. When people come to me looking to find their life purpose, I often give them a series of exercises. I ask them to answer a set of questions and I tell them not to spend much time worrying about the answers. Instead, I prompt them to write out the first thing that comes to their mind and send me what they wrote. When I reflect back my synthesis of my clients answers, a funny thing happens. More often than not clients have an Eureka moment where they finally see what their purpose is all about.
Solution #5 Find the support you need! Sometimes you need outside eyes to see to help you see within yourself.
So, if you\’ve been coming up empty as you look for your life purpose, it\’s time to de-mystify your thinking and try on these solutions. Most important, though, is to start with what you LOVE.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 30, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Change is the only constant in life. Whether you want to change your life, or it happens on its own, change is inevitable. We often shy away from change because we fear the negative outcomes it sometimes brings, or we shy away from the adjustment that comes even with positive outcomes of change. Whatever the nature of our resistance, we\’re often unsure of how to work with change – or if we even want to.
It is natural to crave constancy in life. It seems like it would make things easier. The truth is that when we stop changing, we stop growing. And when we cease to grow we lose our mojo. We feel flat and wonder what the meaning of life is, anyway.
To live life to its fullest, we need to learn how to work WITH change – to adapt, flex, and even roll with the punches life throws our way. When we embrace change we get more of what we want from each and every moment.
This week\’s article is about how you can work WITH change and not AGAINST it.
The Wonderful Things That Happen When You Work WITH Change
Over two years ago, I left my marriage and with it the home I lovingly restored and the consistency I had developed in my relationship and in the rest of my life.
At first, I struggled. But then a curious thing happened. After I got through all the challenging emotions that come with a situation like that, my life opened up before me.
There\’s a saying: “freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.” While this is true, I\’d like to put a positive spin on this idea.
Because, in truth, my life opened up before me not simply because things changed, but because I WELCOMED the change.
Of course, there was some part of me that wanted to hold onto how things were “supposed to be.” I\’d come to view my life and my future in a particular way and I didn\’t want to let go of that vision. There was a part of me that wanted to assign a meaning to my divorce so that I could protect myself from future heartache and loss. Another part of me wanted to play the victim. I can tell you that none of these inclinations were helpful.
Acceptance Really is Your Greatest Ally
We come up with notions about what our life is supposed to be like. I call this the proverbial \”white picket fence\” syndrome. With \”white picket fence\” syndrome, we attach our ideas about what will make us happy to a particular thing, person or scenario. For me, this meant being in my relationship for the rest of my life and all that came along with it.
Yet, the more that we cling to this image of what our life should be like, the more we suffer. The fact of the matter is that right now, your life looks exactly as it\’s supposed to look. The uncertainty and doubt, the joy and passion, the tedium and boredom – these are all necessary sensations that make up the life you have in front of you. These feelings are, in a sense, information. And you can make a lot of decisions about what you want to do next with the information you have at hand.
When we look at the life we have before us – and not the one we trick ourselves into thinking we have – we\’re able to see what truly serves us. This perspective allows us to increase our happiness in infinite ways.
Change Calls for Brave Hearts
Unfortunately, most of us are entranced with the false idea that we\’re destined to “have what we want”. We\’ve mistakenly come to think of \”having what we want\” as a guarantee for enduring happiness. Sadly, this is not how things work. \”Having what we want\” is the net result of an ongoing and evolving effort through which we bring into our lives what works for us and strip away what no longer serves us.
There are times when life throws us a curve ball and we lose something we want or value. It\’s easy to clench up in these moments. It\’s understandable that we\’ll do just about anything to prevent uncomfortable feelings such as loss or grief. When unexpected change or loss occurs, we tend say to things to ourselves like I made a bad choice, I\’m never going to do that again, or – worse yet – I\’m not meant to have this thing I really want.
But what if you grew your tolerance for difficult emotions? What if you actively built your ability to shift into positive emotions? How might you respond differently to change with these skills at hand?
It\’s likely that you\’ve noticed that even in the most painful moments of your life you\’ve seen glimmers of potential happiness.
When we embrace change we also embrace the trust that we\’ll be able to withstand the pains that can come with change. The only constant in life is change. And yes, some of that change will be painful. But if we put courage in our heart, we can move confidently into change with the faith that even the worst of it can be traversed.
Freedom\’s Just Another Word for the Ability to Choose
Blame is many people’s favorite way to deal with the loss of what they want. People who blame others feel that if they hold someone else accountable they will somehow retain their sense of power.
However, this is not power, but rather a false sense of control. True power is the ability we have within ourselves to take charge of our own life and our own emotions.
This is the opposite of blame. This is accountability.
A wonderful thing happens when we know that we have the ability to make choices in our life. When we don’t like something – whether it\’s momentary or more chronic – we can change it. When we know on a deep level that we have the ability to make a new choice, and change our situation, we feel empowered.
This is why I get so excited about teaching personal development work. Because once people have a sense of their own power and gain the skills to navigate life, their life never looks the same to them again.
Change can feel overwhelming at times and there will be moments that challenge us like we never believed possible. But we can learn to embrace the changes that come our way. When we do this, our hearts, minds, and bodies feel lighter as each day passes. I help people achieve this lightness and empowered state every day through my Personal Breakthrough Intensive. Ready to transform your life? Click here to learn more.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 18, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Recently, I was asked in an interview: do you have any advice for people who struggle with fear?
The interviewer pointed out that everyone struggles with fear as they move towards what they really want.
And I have to agree. Whether it\’s a fear that stops us in our tracks or a low-level feeling of anxiety, our ability to deal with fear can make or break us.
So, for this week\’s article I\’d like to start a conversation about what fear is. At it\’s most basic level, fear is a biological response. When we feel afraid, certain chemicals flood our brain and, in turn, motivate our behavior. When we\’re able to understand our fear at a cellular and bodily level, we\’re better equipped to manage it\’s effect on our everyday lives.
If you struggle with fear, I highly recommend that you check the book, Rewire Your Anxious Brain. It\’s one of the resources I used for this newsletter.
How You Can Break the Spell of Fear
Let\’s be clear here – fear is a response to an actual threat. Anxiety is a response to an assumed or possible threat. So, check in with your feelings. If you\’re truly afraid, listen to your body. Maybe you\’re headed in the wrong direction or maybe you need to take extra measures to protect yourself. If you\’re anxious, this is a different story.
Skills that help us deal with anxiety most often effect the frontal cortex of our brains. This is important. When we change the way we think about a given situation, we can feel more confident and less fearful. Recently, neuroscientists have concluded that the amygdala – an almond sized part of our brain involved with our experience of our emotions – plays a vital role in the way we respond to our environment. And because of this, new approaches to working with fear are emerging.
The amygdala causes a very quick physical response to certain stimuli. It drives you to be hyper-attentive to your surroundings and provokes a fearful response when it sees a potential threat. This has a powerful effect on our feelings of anxiety. Yet, it should be noted that the amygdala has helped us survive throughout time by attuning us to potential danger.
However, the amygdala can sometimes produce unwanted symptoms. The most noticeable of these being panic attacks. The chemicals released by the amygdala influence the way our brain works. When your amygdala is hyper-active, you may experience a feeling of chronic anxiety and changes to the way you think.
So, if you\’re feeling stuck and unable to move forward in your life or business, if you find all sorts of reasons not to do things you know you should do, if you overwork yourself to the point of ineffectiveness, or if your avoid important steps forward, you\’d benefit from cultivating a greater understanding of how your body\’s response to anxiety might stymie your efforts towards success.
There are two main components to clearing up this primal fight, flight or freeze response. The first is learning to relax the body and the second is building new neural pathways around certain stimuli.
Relaxation can take the form of deep breathing and meditation. This is best done on a daily basis. Research has shown that a meditation practice of 15 minutes a day can provide quick, measurable and positive change for those suffering with anxiety. When you learn to relax the body and quiet your mind, you\’re able to reverse the effects of an activated amygdala. This process supports our efforts to change our thinking when we\’re triggered by things that happen in our personal or professional lives.
Building new neural pathways can include efforts to eliminate established pathways that lead to anxious thinking, to train the body to have a different response when exposed to a triggering stimulus, and to create a positive connection to a trigger rather than a negative one.
Eliminating the connection between a trigger and an emotional reaction is the purpose of therapies such as EMDR and EFT. Both therapeutic modes work to create new associations in the brain. To do this, a therapist will ask a patient to recall something that triggers them. Then the therapist provides the patient with an alternate stimulus to break the connection between that stimulus and the anxiety response.
Peter Levine is responsible for much innovation and growth in our understanding about how anxiety can be treated somatically. Levine believes that traumas are locked in the body and may not be available to the conscious mind. This means that the process to free ourselves from anxiety begins when we recognize where we\’re holding our traumas and assist the body to release them.
Positive associations to triggering stimuli can be made through guided imagery, imagination, and real time exposure to triggers with a deliberate focus on a positive outcome. Because it takes time to develop new neural pathways, the more ways that we can approach a trigger and build new connections the better.
I leave you with a parting thought about anxiety. The most important thing you can do to help yourself overcome anxiety is to deeply care for and affirm all of who you are. The act of doing this doesn\’t just change the brain and alter the chemicals in your system that allow you to feel better and less anxious. Self-care and self-affirmation supports the essence of who you are. And this makes you stronger and more resilient in all aspects of your life.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Oct 8, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
This week I made the bold move to move to a country farmhouse outside of Providence. This has been part of my plans for the last 10 years and is the first of many steps forward. I always knew that when my son went off to college I\’d decide what I\’d do next.
Yet, this is easier said than done.
My life is changing in major ways now that it\’s no longer organized around raising my son. I\’m responsible only for myself for the first time in years. At times, this has left me feeling like I\’m 20 years old and trying to figure out what I want from my life all over again.
Rather than coming up with a concrete plan, I\’ve decided to explore different options and leave the door open to opportunities that feel right to me. I have no idea if I\’ll spend my next 10 years on a farm or if I\’ll quickly recognize my move as vestiges of a long-past dream.
One thing is for sure, though: open space and nature connects me to my spirituality and ultimately awakens my best self. So, one way or another, I\’ll build the natural world into my plan.
Reconnect With Your Spiritual Self
There are times in our lives where the spiritual aspect of our experience moves to the side-line. And, for some of us, spirituality may not be part of our lives at all.
There are many reasons why this happens.
For some people, the religion they subscribed to ceased to make sense to them. In the process of putting down their religion they put down their spirituality as well. Many people who do this cannot see how spirituality and religion can exist separately.
For others, the day-to-day is so overwhelming that there is little room to attend to the spiritual aspects of their lives. As Maslow clearly outlined: we cannot begin to address our higher needs until we address our base needs for food, shelter, and water.
Some people have never had a connection to the spiritual. They were raised in an environment that did not honor the spiritual and so they did not learn how to connect with their internal sense of spirituality.
Spirituality means many things to many people. Some people might associate it with a magical feeling, others a state of inner calm, and others a sense of being connected. Personally, I define it as the knowledge that there is a consciousness to all things.
People often tap into their spirituality when in a specific state, such as how they feel after meditation, yoga or a sermon. They link their spiritual experience to an event and then seek that event with a measure of satisfaction. Yet, spirituality is not so much a goal as it is a process.
With this in mind, it becomes easier to reconnect with our spirituality in an everyday way, especially if we feel we\’ve lost touch with it.
Let go of what doesn’t work so you can let in what does work
If your religion no longer aligns with your beliefs, if you\’re turned off by some of the atrocities committed in the name of religion, or if you can not put science on hold to believe a literal interpretation of the creation myth, put down these thoughts.
Why? Because, despite the idea that faith requires you to accept the beliefs of your religion whole-cloth, most spiritual teachers think for themselves. Past atrocities made in the name of religion have less to do with faith and more to do with small-minded human behavior. Spirituality does not create harm to others. Hateful, fearful, and judgmental people do.
I encourage you to look for what makes sense to you, what creates meaning for you, and what helps you be a better person. Make these things part of your spiritual life regardless of what they look like.
You\’ve got something to learn from the disconnect
Maybe you once felt very spiritually connected, but you do not feel that way now. When this happens, we can feel that we\’ve lost something and we jump to all sorts of conclusions about what this means about us.
Yet, our moments of spiritual disconnection are just as meaningful as our moments of spiritual connection. These difficult times have their own sweet reward and often teach us how to open more deeply to our spiritual truths.
When we learn to surrender to our heart, reach toward higher ideals, and let go of our shallow needs our experience becomes more profound and meaningful. We learn that what we need to be deeply fulfilled is here and now in the present moment.
Instead of looking for change, take a look at what you are resisting and see if you can embrace it.
Hit the pause button
A moment of pause is infinitely important and almost always helpful.
Simply put, if we stop and let what is happening around us sink into our consciousness, we reconnect to the truth of our experience. The only thing we need to do is to stop long enough to let this happen.
We can stop in different ways. We can go on a retreat or spend a weekend at home being quiet. We can stop the raging of our anger and create space for love in our heart. We can stop the chatter of our mind and allow for more presence. Ideally, we can do all of these.
If you don’t have time to pause your life, do what you can. Even brief pauses like stopping to take a few deep breaths can bring in a deeper connection to yourself and what is around you. Over time the effects will become noticeable.
Remember, spirituality is a process and it doesn\’t come with dogma. So, open up, explore and find your own pathways to your spiritual connection.
