by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jan 25, 2016 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
When it comes to the “true self”, one fixed point for contemplation is the relationship between your ego your essence. The terms “true self,” “ego,” and “essence” are broad and have many associations attached to them. So, for this week’s newsletter, I’m going to talk about how you can make your ego work for you as a tool to help you fully unearth your true self.
We need to have a working connection with our true self to feel a sense of success and fulfillment. Put another way, it’s only through our connection with our true self that we’re able to feel satisfied by the positive outcomes of our efforts.
Our ego is both an obstacle and an ally. On one hand, if our ego runs a-mock and rules every decision we make, it would be impossible to experience our true self. On the other hand, our ability to fully access and express our true self emerges with the help of our ego.
Personal development work requires that you become aware of your ego and your true self. Further, this work teaches you how to use the many aspects of who you are in a productive way.
There are several common problems that people encounter along their path of personal development. The main problem is that – once we realize that we’ve previously been totally consume by our ego – we forget that we’re actually part of something much greater than ourselves.
As Eva Perakkos says:
“Even those of you who have, for years, formed a concept of the real self, of the creative substance that enlivens every human being, forget in ninety-five percent of your daily lives that this creative being lives and moves in you and you live and move in it. You forget its existence. You do not reach for its wisdom. You stake all your reliance on your limited outer ego self. You neglect to open yourself for the deeper self\’s truth and feelings. You go blithely ahead as though there really were nothing else but your conscious mind, your ego self with its immediately accessible thinking processes and will force.”
If she’s right and we do indeed forget to draw on the infinite richness always ever-present outside ourselves, what can we do to change this? How can we live from our true self more fully? How can we connect to our true self so that we can create richer and fuller lives?
I propose that we look at the ego as if it were a tool. Think of it this way: if I can use a hammer, then it can serve me. If I think I’m a hammer, then I will be used by something else to serve some other end (and most likely hit up against something quite hard in the process.)
The only way that we can stay conscious of our ego is to employ it.
Again Eva Perrakos puts it very well:
\”The ego must know that it is only a servant to the greater being within. Its main function is to deliberately seek contact with the greater self within. It must know its position, it must know that its strength, potentiality, and function is to decide to seek contact, to request help from the greater self, to establish contact permanently with it. Moreover, the ego\’s task is to discover the obstructions that lie between it and the greater self. Here, too, its task is limited. The realization always comes from within, from the real self, but it comes as a response to the ego\’s wish to comprehend and to change falseness, destructiveness, and error.\”
Here’s the catch! If you’re not careful, you can easily fall under the spell of your ego and confuse it with your true self.
You can’t get rid of your ego, and you can’t ignore it either. And if you stop using it to help draw out your true self, you’re likely to fall under its illusion.
So. How can you make your ego work for you? Well. You can draw on the will of your ego to focus yourself on removing obstacles to your true self. You can also work on strengthening the lived experience of your true self so that it becomes less and less of a concept and more and more of an indelible part of your every-day experience.
Eva:
\”The intellectual acceptance of the real self as a philosophical precept will not alleviate [the problems] because it cannot give a sense of reality and true experience of the real self. This requires more. It requires an actualization of the faculties of the real self.\”
What this means is that you’ve got to train your ego to sense and support the expression of your true self. The truth is that you really can feel into your true self. To do this, you need to use your ego to plug into the wants, needs and full expression of your deeper self and remove the obstacles to it along the way. All the while, keep your eye on your ego so that you do not fall under its spell.
Awareness, of all kinds, is not the end of the road. Rather, it’s part of a cycle. Once we have an awareness we need to learn how to apply it, live it, work with it.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jan 11, 2016 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
After years of working my tail off, I realized that if I didn\’t take care of myself one of two things was going to happen. Either I was going to compromise my health or I was going to compromise my results.
Self care became my battle cry. Over time, I learned the undeniable merits of self-care. I also came to understand that practicing self-care can sometimes be difficult to fit into a busy day-to-day schedule. When I made my practice of self-care a priority, both my health and my ability to get better results increased. This was a win-win for my life.
My strongest suggestion to help you be your personal best is: Self Care, Self Care, Self Care!
Self Care is an investment in your personal resources. Whether the achievement of your goals requires a lot or a little of your resources, you need to take care of your most important tool – your self.
Here is a list of 10 self care techniques you can use to be your personal best.
1. Move Your Body + Feed Your Body: Movement and nutrition are essential to self care. Learn to lovingly and joyfully move your body. Dance, do yoga, stretch, walk or engage in more vigorous exercise. Feed yourself everything your body needs to be healthy. If you\’re not sure what this is, start by drinking more water and eating more greens.
2. Spent Time in Nature and with Animals: Both of these experiences have a positive effect on our overall wellbeing. They help us de-stress and relax. Animal\’s playful and loving ways do wonders for our moods. And taking a walk in the woods can help us feel connected to the larger world. If you can’t get outside, get a plant, or two or three.
3. Unplug and Watch Less TV: We\’re wired 24/7 these days. We wake up and almost immediately look at our smartphone or TV. If you haven\’t already put yourself on a technology diet, I\’d suggest doing so. Limiting the amount of time you spend looking at screens can have a fabulous effect on your quality of life.
4. Be Less Negative and Spend Less Time Around Negative People: It takes two to tango. If you\’re in a negative mindset, then chances are the people around you are too. Take some time to work on your mindset first. Bring more positivity into the way you think and speak. Then choose to be around people who reflect your new mindset, whether they are new acquaintances or not.
5. Let Go of Grudges: Nothing pulls your wellbeing down more than un-cleared anger and resentment towards others. The only person suffering from your negative thinking is you. People can be short-sighted and can sometimes make mistakes. Yet, holding onto the mistakes of others is the biggest mistake of all.
6. Spend Time with Awesome Friends: Spending time with people you love and doing fun things with them – especially things that include lots of laughter – is a wonderful way to relax and connect two important aspects of self care.
7. Mental Hygiene: Obsessive thinking and worry are so commonplace that people think it\’s normal to act and feel these ways. While common for sure, these are not healthy patterns. Learn to stop yourself when your worry or catastrophic thinking gets the better of you. Simply say stop and focus your mind on something more pleasant or productive.
8. Make A Difference: Being of service is a powerful way to bring good feeling and wellbeing into your life. Service to others gives us a sense of purpose in the world. So, take a weekend to volunteer at a food bank, community garden or your local Habitat for Humanity. You\’ll put some good juju in the world.
9. Emotional Hygiene: Sometimes you just need to tend to your emotional backlog. If you have a lot of built up emotion or if you\’ve been dealing with a lot of stress, the best self care might actually be to throw a fit. Lie down on your bed and kick and hit the mattress with your arms and legs. Scream if it feels right. You\’ll feel like a million bucks afterwards.
10. Gratitude: Nothing changes your attitude like gratitude. Take a moment every day to write or state at least three things that you\’re grateful for. So many of us have so much to be thankful for. Remember this is a form of self care.
Give a Damn. Make a Difference.
Dr. Kate Siner
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jan 2, 2016 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Change can be a great thing. A new routine, or a new perspective, can really revitalize your life and sense of well-being. But what about the times when change presents a challenge? How can you build up your energy and joy when changes in your life leave you feeling drained?
For this week\’s newsletter, I\’m going to talk about how you can bolster your happiness in your everyday life. Because, the truth is that when you\’re connected to your sense of joy, you\’re better equipped to work with change when it comes your way.
We all too often forget that happiness takes practice. The good news is that small things can make a big impact on your sense of well-being.
Here are 5 small things you can do to cultivate happiness in your day-to-day life, no matter what comes your way.
1. Start Positive
The first few moments of your day can set the tone for the rest of it. So, start each morning with a quiet moment, an affirmation, a journal entry or any other activity that helps you tune into your feelings and intentions for your day.
2. Look for It
What you focus on gets stronger. Unfortunately, we often focus on what makes us unhappy rather than what brings us joy. Make an effort to recognize what\’s going well in your day and be present to the things you enjoy.
3. Get Clear On What Makes You Happy
This may seem like a no-brainer but it\’s actually something we often overlook. What brings you the most pleasure and happiness? Time alone or time with others? A home-cooked meal or take-out and a movie? Becoming conscious of the things you most enjoy means that you will choose them more often.
4. Say “Thank You”
To yourself, your partner, your child or co-worker. Make a point to express your gratitude for what\’s working in your life. Showing your appreciation will immediately make you and the person you\’re thanking feel more positive. And, by expressing gratitude for the things the people around you do, you reinforce the positive behavior as well as the positive feeling.
5. Slow Down
Slow down and savor the good parts of your life. Pay attention when you\’re eating something delicious. Chose to really listen to your friend while they\’re talking. Take the time to notice what\’s around you on your daily walk or drive. The more you can be present with your 5 senses to what you\’re experiencing, the better.
Life is always a mix of things. No matter how bad a day seems, there\’s always something in it that\’s positive. Use the list above to help you focus in on the good that\’s present in life\’s simple, daily events. These simple things can add up quick and drastically increase your happiness.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Dec 23, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
In our culture, we have access to so much that we often lose sight of how luck we really are. We sacrifice our joy and we obscure our enjoyment along our quest to do or have more. We amass culture and commodities, yet, we have no time and sometimes no ability to appreciate them.
There are things that we can do to change this and these things are simpler than you\’d expect.
1. Slooooow Things Down
Symbolically, winter is the season of endings. Shorter days and colder weather – particularly in my New England hometown – drive people inward, both into their homes and into themselves.
We can learn something from this.
Over the holidays, it\’s custom to run from event to event, over-spend on gifts, and wrap things up for the year. These customs leave no time for us to pause or reflect. Instead, we find ourselves repeating the same-old-same-old, year upon year. No where in the cycle of our year are we cued to pause and take stock. Yet, what would happen if we did stop to ask ourselves: \”Am I doing what I want to do?\”
Taking time to reflect and gain perspective is an important part of our every day – and is an essential part of our every year.
I invite you to try this out. Ask yourself: \”What might be gained if I set aside some time in the next few weeks to pause and reflect?\” \”What is truly important to me?\” And \”What might happen if I made those things central to my plan for 2016?\”
2. Pay Attention to What You Really Love
Many years ago, I read a book about clearing clutter. It said: “If you don\’t love it, get rid of it.” That made a lot of sense to me at the time and I have since applied this idea to my life over and over again.
Clutter doesn\’t just build up in our closets – it also builds up in our relationships, our work environments, and even in our heads and hearts. We have a lot of choice about the clutter that we let persist in our lives. However, we tend to act as if we don\’t.
So ask yourself: \”Where is the clutter in my life?\” \”In which parts of my life am I squirreling away debris or sweeping things under the rug?\” \”Where am I just going through the motions?\”
If you don’t love it, maybe it\’s time to let it go. Give yourself the gift of uncluttered head-space, heart-space and home-space.
3. Recognize that Trade-Offs Aren\’t Such a Bad Thing
In his book Essentialism, Greg McKeown wrote that a person who is an “Essentialist” recognizes there are trade-offs in life, and so they make deliberate decisions. “Non-essentialists,\” on the other hand, try to do it all. Because of this, they often miss out on more of what life has to offer.
Those are some wise words.
This tends to happen A LOT this time of year. Many of us try to shoehorn time with family and friends into a tight and frenzied holiday season. In our over-packed lives, we barely have space time for ourselves, never mind spare time for others. Because of this, we can end up feeling resentful about spending time with the people we truly want to see. If that\’s not getting things backwards, I\’m not sure what is.
The hard truth for many of us is that we need to accept that we cannot do it all.
When we accept this, we begin to look at our lives and decide what is MOST important to us and organize our priorities accordingly. Knowing our priorities helps us to make the best possible choices. And these are the choices that bring us to where we truly want to go.
So ask yourself: What are you priorities for the upcoming year? How are you going to keep them at the front of your mind?
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Dec 16, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
If you\’re like most people, you\’ve been in this situation: you\’ve done something and only seconds later asked yourself, “Why the heck did I do that? I know better.” You\’re then launched into the position of needing to figure out what you can do to rectify the situation.
There are many different ways we can assess what motivates our actions. For example, we can look at our behavior through a developmental lens or through a situational one.
This week, I\’m going to look at how our behavior is rooted in our biology. And I\’m going to take a specific look at three unique behaviors: shutting down, procrastinating, and tuning out.
Shutting Down
Do you have a hard time staying present when people yell at you? Or do you freeze when you hear certain noises?
In these moments, your Autonomic Nervous System (AWS) – the part of you that is responsible for the automatic process of your body – is taking over your show and acting on your behalf. A response like this is often the result of extreme or preverbal trauma.
We commonly refer to this experience as “shutting down.” People \”shut down\” in this way because they\’re over-loaded with stress, or they\’ve gotten in an argument or they simply feel powerless.
What you can do about it: The first thing to know about \”shutting down\” is that you really can\’t verbally or rationally explain why this behavior shows up. When this behavior presents itself in your life, you might not even have access to the traumatic memories that instilled this reflex. The easiest way to look at \”shutting down\” is to see it as a response initiated by the nervous system and not a response to a memory.
Procrastinating
Can you find anything and everything to do besides what you most need to do? Do you wait until the last minute to begin important tasks?
Evidence shows that procrastination is partly due to a maladaptation in your prefrontal cortex. Your prefrontal cortex is responsible for your executive functioning and governs tasks such as planning.
While procrastination has a behavioral component to it – which is the habitual reinforcement of last-minute behavior – telling a procrastinator to just DO what needs to be done is like telling a depressed person just to cheer up. This approach never truly works because procrastination – like depression – has as much to do with one\’s physiology as it does with their psychology.
What you can do about it: One of the easiest things you can do to help counter-act your tendency to procrastinate is to break your task down into small, easily accomplished steps. To support your progress, you can remove all distractions from your work environment, set and keep a consistent schedule, and monitor your mood.
Tuning out
Do you zone out when your spouse is telling you something? Do you have trouble paying attention in meetings?
This is often about more than a simple avoidance of things in your life that bother or bore you. It\’s often about an adaptive process by which you tune out unchanging data. This means that if repetitive information keeps coming your way, you\’re going to stop being aware of it. This can also happen if you steadily assume that the information you\’re presented with is going to be repetitive, regardless of whether or not it actually is.
What you can do about it: Sometimes your lack of ability to see the newness around you is more about you than about the unchanging nature of your relationships. My advice here is for you to challenge yourself to approach your life – and all the people in it – with a sense of curiosity. Look for what you have not seen before.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Dec 7, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
It\’s easy to feel disempowered when reading the news, driving down the street, or simply moving through life. We read about the recent terrorist attack in Paris. We get stuck in traffic next to a driver who yells profanely at the person who cut him off. We find out that a family member became sick. And we slowly emotionally withdraw from the world around us.
Throughout our lives, we experience so many negative things that it can seem impossible that our actions could make a positive difference or have a lasting impact on this ever-changing world. We ask ourselves: how can one person change the world – how can I stop hatred, face adversity, and create social equity? When we don\’t come up with an answer, we resign ourselves to the \”fact\” of negativity. We stop ourselves from seeking solution.
The hard truth is, though, that apathy is noxious. Giving up in the face of adversity leaves us feeling like a half a person.
Yet – as many brilliant leaders have shown us – you can’t fight your way to a better world. When we use anger and angst to resolve a problem we only create a new problem or compound the old one.
We need different tools to create the change we desire. These tools are love, truth and compassion. They make up a set of holistic and healing approaches to adversity that transforms the world around us. The best part is that these tools have always been with us.
I believe that the entire world benefits when you choose to build your life with these tools. Bringing love, compassion and truth to each situation you face takes practice, though. And this is why I developed my LifeWork Virtual Program – which offers weekly practices that help you cultivate awareness and develop skills that make your life easier and more rewarding.
These practices are instrumental in creating positive change in the world around us. For this week\’s article, I\’m going to talk about three of these practices today.
Love
\”Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.\” Buddha
Love is the most powerful, world-changing tool we have. I\’m fully aware of how Pollyanna this sounds. My challenge to you, though, is: try it! Get your heart-broken, feel disrespected, lose something you really cherish and see how quickly you can move on from the negativity you feel into LOVE. It takes a high degree of awareness and sophistication to experience our negativity and move beyond it into a place of love. Anyone who has walked this path knows that this is the way of a REAL bad-ass.
The first thing we need to do is cultivate love inside ourselves. To do this we need to hunt down the barriers to love that live within us more ferociously than we hunt down barriers to love in the world outside us.
This does not mean that we turn hatred toward these parts of ourselves. It means we see them, accept them and let them go.
Truth
\”If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.\” Jesus Christ
Truthfulness is a time-honored and respected trait. To be truthful is to be honest and trustworthy. It requires a commitment to speaking and acknowledging the truth, and to acting with integrity. When we have our truth we also have our respect and love.
While philosophically there are many types of truth, the truth I\’m talking about here has a dynamic holism that is much more easily experienced than written about.
There is a paradox around truth, though, and it\’s this: truth does not make anything untrue. Whenever you negate something, there is a lie present. Truthfulness allows for multiple perspectives in a way that honors each of those perspectives.
One very common example of this is that if you make yourself wrong you\’re not living your truth – nor are you allowing others to live theirs.
Compassion
\”No man is a true believer unless he desireth for his brother that which he desireth for himself.\” Muhammad
To be compassionate is to open your heart to the suffering of others. Compassion, to me, is a healing action. When we offer compassion to ourselves or others we are, in fact, healing ourselves or others. One of the best ways to practice compassion is to tend to our own pain and suffering. Without a doubt, one thing we gain from our own hardship is an ability to give love to others while they experience hardship of their own.
Still, sometimes we might find ourselves feeling closed off or judgmental about others who are in a difficult spot. We can feel wronged and because of this feel justified in wanting understanding from the other person. When we do this, we withhold our compassion and do not give our understanding to the person we feel wronged us.
If you want to have an impact on the world, each time you feel wronged stop and take a moment to understand the other person\’s perspective.
While none of these skills are easy, they are all quite simple and in the reach of every single one of us all the time. We don\’t need to start a movement or become a politician to have an impact. We only need to focus on being a better person and sharing this with the world.
I will leave you with this quote from Rumi. \”Listen with the ears of tolerance. See through the eyes of compassion. Speak with the Language of love.\”
