by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 26, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
While many of us subconsciously believe that we use language to objectively represent reality, the research says otherwise. The research supports the idea that language creates reality. In other words, it is not only true that we are what we eat, but it is also true that we live what we believe.
Language has tremendous power of suggestion the more we “suggest” something, the more likely we are to take action that makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Let’s look at some statements I have heard over the past few weeks:
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• I can’t do this.
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• I don’t know what I want.
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• I am not as smart has him.
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• She never listens to what I have to say.
- • We can’t communicate at all.
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• We just can’t agree on anything.
- • There is no more trust here.
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• I have no idea how to advocate for myself.
- • I can never make it on my own.
The feelings behind these words are very powerful, but what reality do they invite when repeated again and again? The truth is, it doesn’t take long to convince ourselves (and others) that we really can’t …., don’t know how to ….., will never be able to ….., aren’t as smart as ….., and so on. The more we state it, the more we believe it, the quicker it becomes reality.
But what if the opposite were also possible? What if language could also create a more positive, hopeful and empowered reality than the one we are currently experiencing?
In a 2010 TED Talk, Caroline Casey shares a truly extraordinary experience confirming the absolute power of suggestion in the mind – the way in which language creates reality. (Because I do not want to ruin the impact of this talk, no synopsis, just a “must watch” link.)
The scientific research community supports this claim as well. In a 2013, Scientific American article, Your Thoughts Can Release Abilities Beyond Your Normal Limits, you can read about research studies in which outcomes of control groups vs. experimental groups are altered solely based upon the power of suggestion.
So, as you are going about your day, navigating what life places in front of you, here are some suggestions for leveraging the power of suggestion to point you in a more positive, empowered and hopeful direction:
Adopt the word “yet.”
Whenever someone tells me they do not know the answer to a question or don’t know how to do something, I teach them to include the simple word “yet” at the end of the statement. “I don’t know how to look for a job – yet.” ‘Yet’ definitively suggests that the knowledge or understanding is on its way, rather than completely unavailable.
Focus on “what went right”
Virtually every moment of very day gives us the opportunity to choose how to focus our thoughts and attention. Are you upset because it is raining or feeling grateful because you remembered to bring an umbrella? Do you beat yourself up because you burned the dinner or pat yourself on the back because you have a great back up plan – ice cream for dinner at the end of a hot summer day is one of my favorites! Do you panic all the way to work because you spilled coffee on your suit, or walk into your meeting and recognize this as an opportunity to give your stressed-out staff permission to be human and imperfect. Our mind is wired to notice the negative, and we can train it to see the positive.
Replace “must,” “have to,” and “need to” with WANT
How many times per day do we walk around saying things like, I have to…., I need to…., I must….. These phrases lock us into narrow places. I accomplish them and I avert disaster or a negative outcome; I do not fully achieve them and I am a failure. Either way, my reality is a narrow place of bordered on one side by temporary and fleeting moments of safety and bordered on the other by failure and demise. When I “want” to do something, it refocuses our thoughts and attention on what there is to gain, opportunities that are available, and what makes us happy.
As in Caroline’s story, language alone is not sufficient to create reality, but language coupled with belief is what points the needle of life’s compass in a particular direction. Once the needle is pointing where you want to go, then it is about taking action in that direction.
So if you have been standing on the fence about a decision, beating yourself up for failures or falling short, or notice that your mind spends most of its time consumed with the negative, try intentionally shifting a few of those 15,000+ utterances per day in a new direction. And when you are clear about wanting to point the needle in a new direction and take the actions to get there, contact me. I am eager to journey with you to a new reality.
Adina Laver is the author of the Divorce Companion™ and founder of Divorce Essentials™, a specialized divorce coaching and support service for those who are considering, in the midst of, or post-divorce and are committed to a healthy path for reclaiming their lives.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 24, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
After taking my son to start his first year of college in North Carolina, I came home to Providence with a little ache in my heart to have him gone. I was also tired from a couple of days travel and activities and was looking forward to a good nights sleep in my own bed.
My cat, Althea, had different plans. She was not happy that I had left her at home so she woke me up at 7am by breaking glasses. I am serious. She broke two glasses!
You should know that I had someone stay at the house with her for most of the time that I was gone. She was well cared for, even entertained, but for her that did not matter. She did not get what she felt entitled to.
So, she gave me the cat version of the middle finger.
She is now sleeping soundly on her chair like nothing ever happened. So what is the moral of the story?
No matter how hard you try, the people who love you may get angry if they don’t get what they want.
Why is this important? Think about choices have you made to avoid making others upset. Or how often have you doubted your direction because you made others upset? Or, even, how often have you not expressed your pleasure or displeasure to avoid upsetting others? Next question is: How much do you think this effects your success and fulfillment?
You can’t create success or fulfillment if you pay too much attention to every whim and mood of the people around you. I am not saying not to care. In fact, the central focus of my life and work is about caring more. If we shut down and turn off we are not going to like ourselves or our work. But, we do need to learn to care about the right things.
The right things are:
Did I do the best I could?
Did I act in a way that is in line with my values?
Did I stay true to my intention?
We also need to determine when a negative reaction is a sign that we are letting go of what no longer serves us or when it is a sign that we are going in the wrong direction. Sometimes the frustration of another person can be a reason to jump to the conclusion that “it is a sign” you are going in the wrong direction.
Really, It is a moment to check in with yourself.
How do you feel about what you are doing and where you are heading? If you feel good when you think about your direction then keep going things are just shifting around you. If you don’t feel good about your direction then really pause to take in the feedback. See how it can help inform you about your next steps.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 21, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
When most people talk about “success,” they’re often referring to outer things like money, title, and promotions. But in reality, these outer accomplishments almost never bring a lasting sense of happiness or success. They’re fleeting, and the goalposts are constantly shifting.
Instead, real success is a deeper, more satisfying experience of the heart, mind, and spirit, where the individual has committed to continuous, bold and empowering action that helps him/her feel confident, authoritative, and valuable to others in ways that are personally meaningful.
In over 10 years of working with career professionals, I’ve seen that the majority of people who reach out to me are actually not in a state of readiness for the success they desire. They think they are, but they haven’t taken the right actions or developed appropriate mindsets and behaviors that would help them reach – and sustain — the success they dream of. They’re just not there yet.
There are nine core categories of career success readiness that need to be mastered for professionals to achieve the success and fulfillment they long for (and these applies to any industry, field or function, and any level, for both men and women).
These nine categories of career success readiness are:
Understanding yourself deeply
You can’t achieve success on terms that are personally meaningful to you if you don’t know yourself. Each of us has a distinct set of values, interests, histories, standards of integrity, non-negotiables and preferences that make up our own unique picture of success. If you don’t know yourself intimately, the outcomes you’re focused on won’t end up generating the experience of success you want.
Using your natural talents>/b>
I learned this the hard way, as have many of my clients – just because you’re great at a certain skill set doesn’t mean you enjoy using it in your work. The most successful, fulfilled professionals use talents every day in their work that come naturally to them, that emerged early in their lives and they enjoy immensely. You need to identify those natural talents that you use instinctively, with ease and grace. Those are the talents to focus on in your career if you want a lasting experience of success and happiness.
Engaging with people you respect and admire (including mentors and sponsors)
You can’t create lasting success if you operate alone, in a vacuum, with no one in your corner to support you. If you find yourself isolated, with no role models, mentors, or sponsors, it’s a sign that you’re not ready for the success you dream of. You need fabulous people in your support community to help bolster you to the next level.
Setting goals and making decisions that support you
The type of success most people want isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s not a prize that just falls in your lap. Forget the idea of a tipping point where you suddenly wake up “having it all.” Success requires hard work (often tedious and painstaking) and continued commitment. It also takes effective decision-making and S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely) goal-setting.
Committing continuously to your growth
A key to helping people grow exponentially is helping them stretch out of their comfort zone and close their “power gaps.” Power gaps are areas where people feel most insecure, vulnerable, and ashamed. When people address, heal or revise those areas, the growth is quick and astounding. What are the areas in your life and work where you feel “less than” and insecure – and what can you do to close those gaps today?
Relating in a healthy way to money, and having a keen understanding of financial and business realities Lasting success will elude you if you’re broken down in how you view, and deal with, money. Many of us have a damaged relationship with money, and are forever chasing or resenting it, instead of attracting, embracing, and appreciating it. Money is a form of energy, and if you’re blocked around it, so will be your experience of success. In addition, if you’re running your own business, you need a solid, emotionally-neutral understanding of the financial and business realities you’re facing. A “Build It and They Will Come” mentality without a solid financial and business grounding is a recipe for disaster.
Balancing and integrating life and work (and dealing effectively with stress)
I know so many people who’ve achieved outer “success,” only to have sacrificed everything in the process. They wake up, often in midlife, to the horrible realization that they’ve given up everything that matters to them, just to rise to the top of the heap in their field. If you aren’t able to integrate or balance successfully your work endeavors with your identity as an individual outside of the work you do, you’ll suffer. And if the stress and strain of your work is making you sick and sad every day, it’s time to rethink your definition of success.
Being of use in the world
Thousands of people hit midlife and suddenly feel an aching disappointment – they realize that what they’ve been clamoring for in their 20s and 30s now feels empty and meaningless. Perhaps it’s seeing the world through older, wiser eyes, or experiencing the mortality of their parents and friends that awakens people to wanting to do something more purposeful in the world. (This was me, and here’s a brief video of my story.) Whatever the cause, midlife professionals often wake up to the desire to build a new legacy that they can be proud of. In the end, you won’t feel successful if your work is meaningless to you.
Marketing yourself in a compelling way
Finally, in today’s times, because of the global competition we all face, if you can’t market yourself and communicate powerfully about your great talents, you won’t succeed in the way you hope. Gone are the days in which you could leave marketing to someone else. You have to know how you’re special and amazing, and how you stand apart from the best of the best in your field, and share that openly and confidently. You need to be your own best advocate, and you can do it without being a braggart. You just have to learn how.
* * * * Reblogged from Forbes.com. For more by Kathy Caprino, visit kathycaprino.com. (more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 19, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
When I met Larry Winget for the first time he was telling the story of how after working his tail off to become a professional public speaker he basically woke up one day and realized he hated his life. I listened and thought to myself, “Wow, how does that happen?”
I have always been so staunchly focused on creating the life that I want for myself, I didnt think that I would ever have that kind of experience…
I don’t think I got to the place that Larry Winget got too. I didn’t feel like it was all wrong BUT I definitely felt all the places in my life where I was not doing it my way and I was not as happy as I could be.
Afterall, isn’t my work about fulfillment?
I Did It My Way
\”For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught. To say the things he truly feels; And not the words of one who kneels. The record shows I took the blows – And did it my way!\”
Frank Sinatra
It is true, as Sinatra says, that if we don’t have ourselves we have nothing and also true is that we are made the way we are made because we have something very special to offer. When we realize this, we have something fabulous –we have the recipe for success and fulfillment.
Why do I need to say this?
Well in situation after situation, home, school, jobs…we are told that we need to make ourselves fit the mold. We are told this so much that even if we feel that we are staunchly devoted to doing it our way, we can still get worn down little by little.
Sometimes this process helps us see even more of yourself and sometimes it obscures it.
Time will let us know… And our own level of happiness.
So my words of wisdom for the day are: If you find yourself leaving parts of you behind that truly made you happy, go back and get them! What is back there will definitely make you happier and may be the key to your success. It has been for Larry and I.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 17, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Over the last 4 years I’ve had the privilege of getting to know, hundreds, if not thousands of budding lifestyle entrepreneurs.
In that time, I’ve seen an equal number of “lifestyle design” blogs that have come and gone (can we ditch that term yet?)
There’s a harsh reality with these type of blogs that’s kind of tough to ignore. Usually they start out because of a major shift in someone’s life; either they were laid off, or decided to quit and perhaps travel for a year. They read the 4 Hour Workweek and proceed to “design their life.”
Step one: start a blog! Woohoo!
Do they want to be a blogger? Probably not. Do they know what the long term goal of the site is? Nah. It’s just a good way of justifying taking time off and traveling, or in some cases, collecting unemployment and becoming disturbingly good at Call of Duty.
What happens then? Well, they finish their travels, run out of money, (or a combination of both) and eventually go back to getting a real job, letting the blog die a slow and unmemorable death.
Now, obviously not everyone can relate to this story, and there’s dozens of people in Location Rebel who have had huge success building a real lifestyle business.
BUT, most people don’t. Most people make some crucial mistakes early on, that are pretty much setting them up for failure over the long term.
Today I want to see that change. I’ve made all of these mistakes myself over the last 4 years in one form or another. What’s important is you recognize what’s happening, and change course as quickly as possible.
So based on years of research (ok I may be using that term a little loosely), and thousands of conversations (true), here are the biggest mistakes I see people make when it comes to starting a lifestyle business.
1) Don’t try and Recreate someone else’s lifestyle
Now that Tim’s book has been out for the better part of 7 years, there are thousands of examples of people building successful businesses and living happier, and potentially more profitable lives in the process.
The problem with this is I’ve seen a lot of people try and emulate the path of someone else. They haven’t figured out what their dream is, so they try and live out someone else’s.
There are all kinds of problems with this. For one, that’s someone else’s passion, not yours. If you aren’t totally into hang gliding, then how can you expect to make it through the long startup process to open up that kind of business in Brazil. Oh, you want to do SEO freelancing to free up some time so you can….oh wait, you don’t know what you want to do?
You’ll be even more miserable than you were before.
No one can recreate my business or anyone else’s for that matter. It’s my unique story and 4 years of blogging/traveling/learning that makes Location 180 and related businesses what it is today.
Before you make a leap, understand what you’re leaping towards, and why you’re leaping towards it. You’ll be more successful, happier, and you won’t piss off the dude whose business your copying.
2) Start with the basics
That’s awesome you want to create a hundred niche sites, oh, and you’re going to do it all in the next 30 days? With no background in SEO or marketing?! Sweet, I’m sure you’ll make one miiiillliooon dollars off of that.
Right.
How many times have you seen that one work out? Very rarely.
What’s the problem here?
Often people who go this route, aren’t starting with the basics. Until you have the skills and confidence to be able to pull something like that off, you’re just going to be wasting your time. So how do you start with the basics?
Here’s the three step process we teach:
- Learn Skills
- Find Freelance Clients
- Apply to your own projects
Are there other ways to do this? Of course. But in my experience this is the one that guarantees results.
Learning the basic skills, things like WordPress, copywriting, and SEO, will give you a solid base for whatever online or lifestyle venture you get involved with.
Then, by picking one skill and freelancing it, you’re building confidence and a base of income that will help ensure you’ve got some money coming in when you’re moving on to step 3.
Finally, once you’ve got some confidence, then you apply all of your skills to your own projects. Anything from e-commerce to membership sites, or niche sites. All are great business opportunities under the right circumstances.
And even once you’ve moved onto all of those ideas…100 niche sites, as great as it sounds, still probably a bad idea.
3) You Can Have It All, But Not All at Once
These days I’m a pretty firm believer that you can have anything you want, if you want it bad enough. If my life goal was to own a Ferrari, I could make that happen – but I’d most likely be sacrificing a lot in order to achieve that.
This works on a much smaller scale as well.
All too often, I see people who want everything in their business when they are starting out. I received an email the other day from someone still in their day job that said something to the effect of:
Sean, really excited about getting my new business up and running. I’ve got all kinds of stuff in the works, including:
- A blog with 3 blog posts a week
- A new podcast
- 3 niche sites
- A free pdf product
- A membership site
- A you tube video blog
Oh and I’m getting ready to travel through SE Asia when I quit in a few months.
The guy had all of about 2 blog posts done and hadn’t done any work on his theme.
Classic example of trying to do too much, too quickly.
All of those things are great…but not when you’re starting out.
Focus on maybe two of those things. Figure out what your main goals are, and then work relentlessly on the things that will get you closer to those goals.
You can totally travel through SE Asia, work on a blog, and maybe one other thing, but if you’re going to attempt all of that at once, you’ll half-ass everything and never make any real progress towards the ultimate goal of making that your full time work.
4) Don’t Be Afraid to Spend Money
This one, I get. I can be a bit of a cheap ass at times, and I totally was early on. BUT, hindsight is 20/20 right? There are certain small investments that can pay off in spades, and are necessary.
Best example?
A premium blog theme. I used the free version of Arthemia for two years before finally investing in a good looking custom site design (Props to Andrew and Andrew). But you don’t even have to take it that far.
Buy a premium theme from Woo Themes or Theme Forest. They have solid frameworks, and make it so easy to customize your site and make it look however you want.
With free themes, nothing is ever easy, and if you do find a good one, you’ll probably find a thousand other blogs that look just like yours.
Afraid to spend $19/month for Aweber? Get over it. It’s the best $19 you’ll spend on your business.
The old addage “You’ve gotta spend money to make money” has a lot of truth in it. Sure, you can bootstrap the hell out of your business and spend very close to zero dollars, but you’re going to make your life a lot more difficult than it needs to be.
Stay in an extra night a week and take the money you saved and invest in yourself and your business – you won’t regret it.
5) Building a Brand is More Important Than You Think
Often times when I see people skip mistake #2 above (start with the basics) they jump right into building an info product or niche site, and they skip one very, VERY important step: establishing a brand.
I used to call it having a “hub of location independence”. By having a website and building a brand online you’re opening up so many opportunities that simply wouldn’t be available to you otherwise. It establishes credibility, and makes it easier to get in touch with more influential people and businesses. It allows other like minded people to find you which in and of itself should be enough of a motivator for you.
Sure being a lone ranger can be fun, but having a brand will allow you to scale things infinitely faster.
How do you do this?
Many people view a brand as synonymous to having a blog. While I think a blog can be a valuable asset, it isn’t 100% necessary.
Simply having a basic WordPress site up, with some solid info on who you are, and what you’re all about can go a long ways. If I were you, at the very least I’d have a blog component in order to establish expertise. Even if you only right once or twice a month, it gives people a little more insight into who you are and exactly what you do.
Not sure how to do this? Don’t worry, this post has all you need.
Your brand and things associated with it, is also one of your biggest assets. If all you’re doing is creating niche websites, one Google algorithm change can wipe out your business.
Even if everything I have online was deleted and I had to start from scratch, there’s still value in the Location 180 name, my email list, my reputation etc. Bottom line, for me personally, without the brand, there is no business.
6) Take Your Work Seriously
If you’ve recently quit or are traveling around the world, a new blog or business can seem like an awesome little side project. One of my best friends, Ryan, started an awesome blog that was quickly gaining traction and making him some money. But he never took it seriously as a business.
What happened?
He let the site sit for a year, somewhere along the way, it got hacked, and then he didn’t want to pay the hefty fee to get it fixed once he finally noticed what happened.
By now he could have had a thriving business and community, but he never took it seriously. Caveat: He loves his life as a tour guide right now, but it’s still definitely a missed opportunity.
Sorry bud, but had to call you out on this one.
Moral of the story? If you’re serious about building a business, act like it.
Build routines around your work. If you’re working on your venture full time, figure out what hours you’re most productive, and sit your ass down in your chair and do the work.
If you’re doing it on the side, do the same thing. Figure out when you can work, and actually do it.
If you treat your business like a fun side-project, that’s exactly what it’ll be. If you take it seriously, and treat it as your new day job, in time, you’ll be right where you want to be.
7) Dont Work in a Vacuum
I’ve said repeatedly over the years that if you want to be successful doing this, you have to find a supportive community. For as many people as I know living out their perfect lifestyle, the concept still isn’t mainstream.
If you tell many of the people close to you that you want to start a business on your own, they’ll probably give you a myriad of reasons as to why that’s a bad idea.
That’s why it’s more important than ever to have a solid support system while you’re working through things.
This is one of the most common mistakes I see as well. People will hole up in front of their computers and treat the whole thing like they are in a vacuum. They won’t go out and meet other entrepreneurs, and often won’t even try and communicate with likeminded people online.
Not only are you doing your education a disservice, but it won’t be long before your sanity wears thin, and you scrap the whole thing.
This is probably the most important thing I’ll say in this post, if you’re serious about building a successful lifestyle business find a supportive, like minded community as soon as possible.
Here’s a great one if you need a push in the right direction.
Are you Making These Mistakes?
None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes no matter how hard we try not to. Consider this post a reminder. It’s easy to let things get in the way of our dream lifestyles, but focus on continually improving your business, and you’ll thank yourself later on when you have full freedom in your life. When you don’t have to miss things like your kid’s first steps because you were at work, or when you meet the person of your dreams while traveling through the French Riviera.
That’s why we’re doing all of this anyway, right? To live a life where we can do more of the stuff we like to do, on a daily basis.
Reblogged from Sean Ogle\’s website www.SeanOgle.com
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 14, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Social media is everywhere. If you’re like me you know you have to be engaging on it. I confess I’m not always on it and I do social media marketing and management for a living. Crazy Huh. I feel lately there is so much content out there on social media that what I have to say isn’t new. I want my content to be engaging and relevant and new. So I’m on a mission. My mission is to go deeper on my blog, with social media and in my life. So join me!
So how in the world am I going to do that in a culture that is on information overload. Heck, I feel like I’m an information junkie. Do you ever feel that way? I’m going to start with engaging. I’m going to ask you a point blank question; Are you engaging with your list and your various connections on the social media platforms? What are you doing to engage them? So here are my 3 steps for engaging.
1. Talk to them not at them! I’m learning this over and over again is that when I talk to them by adding a human element, I get a response. No one likes to be talked at. An example of what not to do, (and I’ve been guilty with this one) is don’t always write “Read my Blogpost” or “Attend my webinar”! It is essential to provide a safe place to nurture a two way conversation.
2. Provide valuable content and encourage your audience to give feedback. One of my favorite things to do is my video social media tip and I always ask things like “Does this work for you?” or “What are your thoughts on this?” This really starts the conversation rolling.
3. Look for ways to always start a conversation by focusing on them, and their needs. I love to ask questions to find out what my audience needs. I love to find out some of the things that they are doing in their business. One thing I did a couple of weeks is I posted a challenge on my video tip on a Friday to implement on Monday. I asked them to tell me how the implementation went. Had a great response.
The biggest thing for me with engaging more is to create relationships with the people I come into contact with, rather if it’s online or offline. What do you do to engage more on social media?
Read more by Lorraine on her website BizGoneSocial
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 12, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
What ever goes on within the confines of your mind will surely reflect on your outside actions. What does that mean? What you think about and how you think about them will determine the level of income you earn, the type of house you live in, the type of car you drive, the type of relationships you have, etc. Take a look at what you have right now. Everything that you have around you will tell you what type of thoughts you grant attention to.
This can make a real impact on your life. Since your most dominant thoughts will determine the type of actions you take which will determine the type of lifestyle you live, it would be best to expand your mind by learning all that you can. A person who only knows of working for wages cannot hope to attain the millionaire mark. But by learning and applying different and honorable ways to earn income, the chances of attaining such a mark increase. I know we all have thought, “I\’ve heard that before. It’s nothing new”. But that is precisely why so many people still work for wages and a small amount earn giant amounts of income. Because one may have heard helpful information before, doesn’t mean that one utilizes it.
It is not enough to just “know” about something. It’s useless if you don’t put it to practical use. Here is one secret to success: Listen from those who have gone to where you want to go (i.e. books, mentors, programs, seminars), apply those steps to your own venture, and leave nature no choice but to send success your way. This alone will entirely change the way you think. Therefore, changing your actions and creating a different set of results you wouldn’t have gotten if you didn’t apply the one secret to success. This also works on other aspects other than money. The bottom line: Expand your mind in the direction you want to go, exceed your limits, and create desired results.
Reblogged from the Success Coach Corner
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 10, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Most people like to think what they have to say is important. If you or I make the effort to share thoughts, feelings, or knowledge, then we want to believe the intended recipient is listening. But honestly, many people are too distracted to really take it all in when someone else is doing the talking. What\’s worse is that so many just watch mouths move, waiting for the chance to chime in.
Great leaders understand the value of active listening and get the most benefit from what others have to share. They understand that if you want to be heard and understood, the first step is learning how to listen yourself. The following are actions shared by those who truly know how to listen. Integrate them into your conversational behavior and you might be surprised what you learn.
1. Be present. Being \”in the moment\” is not just for yoga or Grateful Dead concerts. If you are going to take in what someone is saying, you have to truly focus your mental awareness on the person. Push distractions aside. Give a person the gift of your attention. Put down the smartphone, turn off your computer screen, put down the book or magazine, and look at him or her with a neutral or pleasant expression. Most people are so accustomed to having half of someone else\’s focus at any given moment that this gesture alone will make them feel important and it will allow you to actually hear what they are saying.
2. Turn down the inner voice. Internal analysis of any conversation is unavoidable and necessary, but often it\’s at the expense of objectivity. That voice can actually take over in your brain to the point at which you are no longer listening to the person talking and instead simply listening to the diatribe in your head. There is plenty of time after a conversation to assess the value of what you heard, but first you have to hear it. One technique for quieting the inner voice is simple note taking. Writing down even key words or short phrases will force you to absorb the information coming in. Then you can process it on your own outside the presence of the speaker. As an added benefit, you\’ll have a more accurate representation of what was actually said for later discussion.
3. Hold up a mirror. This is a technique many psychologists and counselors recommend to help alleviate conflict. When the opportunity arises, speak up and describe for the person what you have just heard him or her say. It is OK to rephrase in your own words. Be sure to end with a request for confirmation: \”So what you\’re most concerned about is that the new hires lack training. Is that accurate?\” The speaker then knows you are paying attention and fully engaged.
4. Ask for clarification. During a conversation, hunt for areas of interest where you might further inquire. Without derailing his or her train of thought, ask the speaker to expand and clarify: \”What do you mean by \’interesting?\’\” or \”Why do you think that is so important?\” The speaker will appreciate the interaction, and you will gain better understanding of the person\’s perspective as well as your own perception of the information.
5. Establish follow-up. At the end of any conversation, discuss and determine if there are action steps required. This check-in will alert speakers to your actual concern for what they said, and help them assess their own relevancy to your needs. Express appreciation for their sharing, and let them know what you found to be valuable from the conversation. Making them feel heard increases the odds they\’ll truly listen to you when you have something to say you believe is important.
reblogged from Inc.com. For more articles by Kevin Daum sign up here.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 7, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
This morning, I was on the phone with one of the most dynamic women I’ve ever met. We were talking about a joint venture based on her initial success with clients of a particular product she launched. She then uttered the words that I’ve heard time and time again from women, including myself:
“I’m just not sure that I’m credible enough yet to lead this. Have I done enough in the industry to show that I’m the right person to do it?”
And that, my friends, is the key to what holds us back. While it’s a generalization, of course, it’s one that I’ve seen throughout my career. Women remain steadily focused on competence, while men are focused on confidence. When offered an opportunity, we women wonder: ,”Am I good enough? Do I deserve this? Do I have enough expertise in this area?” While men, when offered that same opportunity, tend to jump up and volunteer — even when they don’t know what they’re talking about. They say yes first, and figure it out later.
Competence is an amazing and necessary thing. But, as you grow in your career, ask yourself if you’ve worked as hard on your confidence as you have on your competence. Granted, there’s no MBA in “confidence,” but it is a skill that most certainly can be taught.
Here are a few ways to build up your confidence:
1. Set a MVC metric.
Knowledge is key, but we often hide behind needing to “know more” before we act. What is the minimal amount of competence that you need on a subject before you can push forward? Figure out the Minimum Viable Competence (MVC) needed — then go get that. You can (and should) continue to learn, of course, but once you have MVC, it’s time to go for it.
2. Ask for feedback.
Look for people who are invested in you and ask them what it is about you that makes you great. It’s not fishing for compliments; it’s building your tolerance for hearing great things about yourself without cringing. Even better? Also ask for areas of improvement. Work on those, but don’t stop pushing forward as you’re doing that hard work. Learning how to take constructive feedback (both positive and negative) is vital.
3. Dream big.
Imagine what your life and career would be like if nothing was holding you back. No barriers, no politics, nothing. Write it down. Then ask yourself: Why on earth you are letting anything stand between you and what you really want? Aren’t you worth that dream? Aren’t you competent enough to execute against that dream? If not, why not? Find out if it’s an actual physical challenge — or if it’s just negative self-talk and lack of confidence that’s holding you back.
By the time I had finished my call with that brilliant young woman I spoke with this morning, we had hatched an idea for a business that will hopefully be a great success for her. It may, of course, fall flat on its face. But one thing is for sure: There’s nothing in the world holding her, or anyone else, back from just going for it.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 5, 2014 | Uncategorized
As we grow older and have less time left, there may be a tendency to ask, “What impact have I had?” “What have I contributed to others and future generations?” “What is my legacy?”
Most theorists agree that adult development is ongoing. As we age, a major task is to move beyond concerns of the self and acquire wisdom in order to contribute to others and future generations. In my dissertation research, I asked creative older adults I interviewed, “How important is it for you to leave a legacy or contribute to future generations?” (Robertson, 2005). Surprisingly, many of the participants I interviewed were not concerned with leaving a legacy—even though, in my mind, they would leave bodies of work and had already contributed to present and future generations. Some talked about what they would pass on to children and grandchildren, but most indicated that their time was “now” and they did not expect to be “remembered” for more than one or two generations.
In the book Live Your Legacy Now! Ten Simple Steps to Find Your Passion and Change the World, Barbara Greenspan Shaiman (2009) tells about the “inheritance” she received from her family, how she was inspired to create her legacy, and practical advice for people who want to make the world a better place. She explains that a legacy goes beyond the common conception of leaving a bequest, or funding a hospital wing or university building to preserve one’s memory in the future; it is sharing your “humanity” and is a gift to the present and the future.
Recently, my husband, John and I have been blessed to get to know Barbara. She has become a dear “new” friend—an experience that somehow feels “extra special” as you grow older. We were thrilled when she invited us to attend the 2014 Women’s Achievement Awards, presented by KYW Newsradio 1060, and held on June 25, 2014 at the National Museum of American Jewish History in Philadelphia, PA. Barbara and four other women from the Philadelphia area were honored for their outstanding achievements.
Barbara’s award was for the legacy she has established and how she helps others to do the same through Embrace your Legacy, which offers programs to create “cultures of caring” for a variety of audiences. Barbara’s approach to creating a legacy is that it does not have to be just for the future—it can be lived now, which is what the title of her book suggests. In addition, creating a legacy does not have to wait until one is an adult. Through Champions of Caring, a non-profit organization Barbara founded in 1995, she developed a program that has empowered more than 10,000 youths in Philadelphia and South Africa to make the world a better place by becoming engaged citizens and leaders of social change.
What makes Live Your Legacy Now so powerful is that the first part of the book tells Barbara’s story of how she became involved with building her legacy and helping others to do the same. Stories can be powerful motivators; if we examine our lives, most of us are able to discuss our heritage and identify events that have shaped who we are. Barbara’s parents—her mother, Carola Iserowshi Greenspan, and her father, Henry Greenspan, were Holocaust survivors. Barbara tells how her parents’ survival, a journey she took with her family and other Holocaust survivors to visit Auschwitz in 1989, and a brief meeting with Steven Spielberg spurred her to create her legacy.
For those who might think, “I have no idea what my legacy could be,” and “I don’t know famous, powerful people who could help me even if I did,” Barbara’s book provides a process to find out and offers very practical advice. She gives step-by-step suggestions of how one can explore their past and identify present values, skills and passions to create a vision for the future that will make the world a better place. Live Your Legacy Now is a reassuring book for those who find the idea of creating a legacy a bit intimidating or grandiose because it helps one to live “on purpose.”
The subject of living your legacy exemplifies key principles of existential-humanistic psychology. A major challenge for individuals and cultures is how to live as fully as we can, despite individual trials and unbelievable horror we may confront. Certainly, the Holocaust is an example of such a horror. Lest we forget, Holocaust museums are stark reminders of how human beings can lose their humanity. In the face of such inhumanity, people such as Barbara’s parents and Viktor Frankl survived, created legacies, and made the world a better place. Frankl was a Holocaust survivor and founder of logotherapy, which stresses the importance of finding (or creating) meaning for existence. He strongly believed in the importance of freedom coupled with responsibility.
While not everyone will have experiences as horrific as the Holocaust, most people can identify problems they would like to address and causes about which they feel passionate. The thoughts expressed in Live Your Legacy Now are very consistent with existential-humanistic psychology, and the tagline of this website: “It matters that people have a way of looking at their lives that lets them ask the big questions and determine how they want to live.” Examining who we are and what we want to contribute “is vital to the transformation of our despairing and violent world.” Creating and living a legacy is a way to break “new ground to humanize the world around us.” What is your legacy? Or, even more important, what is the legacy you choose to live right now?
reblogged from the Saybrook University blog.
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