by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 7, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I\’ve learned a LOT about leadership while growing my business. I cannot say these have been easy lessons. I\’ve probably made every mistake in the book. I\’ve been too hands off. I\’ve been too rigid. My standards have – at times – been out of reach. In those moments, I\’ve let my frustration get the better of me.
I know that there are people who choose leadership roles to boost their ego. Yet, I\’ve found that leadership is a profound and often under-appreciated form of service.
This post talks about co-creative leadership, and explores the skills necessary for it. I believe these are skills that become more and more essential in our lives as time goes on.
Co-Creative Leadership and the Power of Engagement
We all need to learn leadership skills. However, how we put those skills to work differs from person to person and from goal to goal. While some people want to command authority, others want to inspire and engage. While some people think of leadership as a solitary act, others see it as a part of a broader group effort.
Co-creative leadership is about engaging others to tackle the task at hand. It\’s about facilitating growth and change while accomplishing a shared goal. With your family, co-creative leadership can be used to make a group decision about a family vacation. If you\’re a part of a team, it might be used to make a joint decision about when and where you\’re going to practice. And, in your business, you might use it to find new ways to be more efficient, so that you have more time to spend with family.
Creatively Contribute to the “Whole”
In co-creative leadership, you\’re not managing people; you\’re managing projects. This is a powerful distinction.
The fact is that people don’t need to be managed most of the time. If they need to be managed in the workplace, they might be more of a liability than an asset to your business. If they need to be managed at home, you might be missing an opportunity to empower your children or to partner with your spouse. And, if your friends, colleagues and acquaintances need to be managed, you\’re either taking too much responsibility for those around you or you\’re not with your peers.
People need to know “why” they\’re doing something. This means that they need to support the vision and understand their role. They feel engaged in making contributions to the vision and feel empowered to grow it. This usually happens when people help shape the vision and when they\’re put in roles where they\’re experts and respected as such.
Changing Yourself to Engage Others
We cannot facilitate co-creative leadership without first taking a good look at ourselves. What I teach people in my programs is this: if you have an issue, you will keep running into that issue. And leadership magnifies your issues.
So if you\’re in a leadership position and experiencing difficulty with the people around you, pause and take stock of yourself. Effective leaders are able to take a candid look at themselves. They have a strong sense of when they\’re in integrity and they\’re able to make adjustments and apologies for where they\’re not. Leaders tend to run into problems when they take too much or too little responsibility for the problems at hand. They also run into problems when they take too much or too little responsibility for the actions of others. As in all other areas of life, leadership demands that we first look at ourselves and assess our contribution to the situation in order to be most effective.
Opening Communication and Bridging Divides
Communication is a necessary part of any relationship. It becomes particularly important when in a leadership position. A leader must be able to effectively communicate with all parties involved. They must also be able to facilitate communication between individuals and within groups. Communication requires compassion and clarity. It also requires a good measure of personal development work.
Strong communicators have the ability to understand others and use the words necessary to express concepts and plans so that there can be as much engagement as possible. Unfortunately, many people have had negative experiences communicating with others. They\’ve had conversations where they did not feel seen, heard, or respected. Because of this, many people do not show up to the conversation. A leader is able to bring everyone to the table, open the channels of dialogue and facilitate involvement. A leader also enables team-members to grow their skills so that they can adeptly handle tasks on their own. This takes a combined effort of personal development enhanced communication skills on the part of the leader.
Creating the Win/Win/Win
A win/win is a two-sided victory. We need to be willing to create wins for every party involved. As a family, this means that the family trip can’t be just about making the parents happy or the kids happy. In business, this means that we need to think about how what we offer benefits our customers, employees, owners, community, and environment.
Yet, most critical to this aspect of co-creative leadership is the collective development of new ways of thinking about partnership and responsibility, participation and benefit. As leaders, it\’s important to put concerted effort towards understanding how things can benefit as many people as possible. When our goal is to support others, we co-create opportunities that have the maximum potential benefit for all involved.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 30, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I listen for a living. Over the years, I\’ve developed my ability to listen into what people say and – sometimes more importantly – what they don\’t say. My ability to listen closely to my clients is a big part of how I help them get the results they seek.
Really listening to what people say has changed my life in many ways. Over time, I\’ve witnessed many unique experiences, feelings, and thoughts behind a person’s individual perspective. This has strengthened my compassion and broadened my world-view.
This week I\’d like to explore the art of listening and how it can change your life for the better.
Learning to Listen Can Change Your Life
Listening is central to creating relationship. When you deeply listen to what someone says, they feel cared about and understood. People who feel cared about and understood will undoubtably change your life for the better. However, the real impact of listening is how it changes you.
During our lifetime, we hit a million instances of misunderstanding. In fact, most of us spend a lot of time feeling misunderstood. Regardless of how much each of us might try, it\’s virtually impossible to easily navigate the myriad of perspectives contained in each person with total understanding.
This is why it feels so good when we come across someone who is willing to really listen to us. When a person listens to what we say, they show us they care. They demonstrate their desire to know what we think and feel. They want to understand. Their willingness to be present to our thoughts and feelings encourages our loyalty. The payoff is that we\’re much more likely to go to bat for someone who has worked hard to understand what we\’re all about.
But, truth be told, there is a greater benefit to listening well. When we learn to listen, we stop – or at the very least decrease – the amount of misunderstanding there is in the world. The simple act of listening contributes to everyone\’s overall sense of connectedness and wellbeing. Here\’s how this happens –
We learn to see other points of view:
Each of us live in a bit of a bubble. Even the most reflective of us spend the majority of our time reinforcing our established beliefs. If we do not try to see things through other people’s eyes, well, we just don’t. In the best case scenario, this entrenchment in our own perspective leads to misunderstanding. In the worse case scenario, this mode of myopic thinking contributes to things like hate-crimes and wars. Yet, our ability to see other people’s points of view can have powerful and lasting effects. It can inspire innovation and change the course of cultures.
We develop our ability to empathize:
To \”walk a mile in someone else’s shoes\” is a standard piece of wisdom for a really good reason. While seeing another’s point of view can be helpful for creating intellectual understanding, empathizing helps us feel into the emotional factors that guide other\’s beliefs. Empathy forms a “human” bond. It allows us to disagree and still relate to other person\’s emotional experience. This increases our desire to find solutions that benefit both parties.
We stop the cycle of reaction:
When we chose not to listen, understand or empathize, we\’re likely to get caught up in reactivity. In these moments, we will inevitably disagree or get triggered by another person\’s actions. If we don\’t stop to listen or try to promote mutual understanding, we\’re likely to react to what is being said versus responding to it. This makes matters exponentially worse. Listening helps us break the cycle of reaction and creates new outcomes.
We see our limitations:
If we have enough ego-resilience, we can deal with being wrong and we recognize that we are limited – just like everyone else is. Listening to others and suspending our judgments can help us recognize our own limitations and support us to grow and change in positive ways. The very first limitation that listening is likely to reveal is our need to be right. In order to listen well we need to put aside this need. Instead, we must chose to truly hear what the other person is saying.
We see our contributions to misunderstanding:
We often unconsciously do things that perpetuate misunderstanding Our default patterns can go unnoticed if we don\’t listen to other people’s perception of us. By deeply listening to others, we can start to see how we have contributed to the challenges at hand.
So, if you want to change the world, you can start by getting quiet and listening to the people around you. Begin to let what others say and how they say it challenge or even change your limited ways of being in the world. And, by doing this, you may open up the potential for all of us to co-exist more peacefully.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 24, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
When I went to high school my teachers had it backwards. Instead of helping their students to develop the right thinking necessary to solve a problem, they simply encouraged them to have the right answer to a problem. Their answer-based rather than thought-based focus of education amplified my weaknesses and not my strengths. In turn, my observations of my teachers\’ motivations were less than welcome.
So, I got out of high school with the belief that I just wasn’t smart. I had no idea what do with myself because I had no idea what my strengths actually were.
After making the choice to explore what I loved, because, well, why the hell not… I learned that I had some strengths that never before seemed like strengths. Ever since this point, my life has been infinitely more fulfilling.
This week\’s article is devoted to helping you clarify what your personal strengths are and how you can use them more often in your life and work.
Discover and Use Your Personal Strengths
Many people have the experience of getting a good chunk of the way through their life without really knowing what their strengths are. Because of this, they can feel inadequate, unable to take risks, or just plain unsatisfied. This is especially true for people whose strengths are not clearly defined by our academic and work institutions.
It would be great if as children we were educated about how to see our own innate strengths and brilliance and if our education encouraged us to use these skills. However, this is rarely the case.
The following is a list of questions that will help you get clear on what your strengths are as well as some suggestions about how you can use your strengths to create more success and fulfillment in your life.
What do you love to do?
You\’ve heard it before. If you want to be happy do what you love to do. Yet, an often overlooked fact is that what you love to do is also a reflection of your strengths. In other words, because you love to do it you\’re likely to do it better. So, if you\’re unclear about what your strengths are – do what you love to do.
What do others say about you?
We get feedback from others throughout our lives. This feedback can be very similar at times. We might hear the same things over and over whether they be good or bad. If you\’ve heard others say things about you that you like, they\’re most likely pointing out your strengths. If you\’ve heard things you don’t like, then I suggest that you try to reframe what you\’ve heard to be more positive. For example, if others have called you flakey, a positive twist on this would be that you demonstrate spontaneity. If you can’t remember what people have said about you, ask some of the people you trust most in your life what they see as your strengths and why they see them as strengths.
What are you particularly good at?
Sometimes we do something so well that we take it for granted and don’t recognize it as our strength. We often think: \”how could this be a strength if it is so easy for me to do?\” Yet, our strengths make things easy for us to do. So, pay attention to which things seem effortless and ask other people how they feel about doing them. See how effortless – or effortful – these things are to them. By doing this you will gain a greater appreciation of your strengths.
What do you feel great after doing?
Doing what we love and know we do well leaves us feeling GREAT. A sure sign that you\’re using your strengths is that you feel energized after doing something. Once you recognize where and when you feel this energized feeling, you might notice that there is potential for you to feel it more often. To do this, stay with how you feel after doing something you love. Notice what small changes you can make to other things you\’re doing that might help you sustain that energized feeling.
What do you do differently?
If you zig when others zag, you might be looking at a strength of yours. Sometimes our strengths have us doing things differently from the masses. So, if you find yourself playing Bach to other people\’s three chord wonder then take a moment to figure out why. Since marching to your own beat can be frowned upon by others at times, make sure to give yourself ample latitude to see the value in what you\’re bringing forward.
Who do you admire?
If you get totally stumped about your strengths, one of the best things to do is to think about people you admire and why you admire them. This exercise gets us out of our own way. We don’t have to think about our own strengths, we can just think about who we admire and why we admire them. Take this information and see how you can find those qualities in yourself. Even if they haven\’t been nurtured, they are likely to be strengths that you possess.
You can also take a quiz like Personal Strengths quiz on Penn Universities Authentic Happiness page https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/ to help you discover your strengths.
Once you start to see your strengths you can take any activity – or part of your life – and see how you can use a particular strength to improve your satisfaction and your results. For example, how might I use my strength of spontaneity to strengthen my relationship?
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 19, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Note from Kate:
I see it happen every summer. The best laid plans get put aside and forgotten. What seemed so important in the Spring suddenly becomes less so as we make time to go to the beach or take a vacation.
The truth is, though, we need this time to relax. It\’s part of what helps us stay on track with our goals and makes our goals meaningful.
Yet, finding time for relaxation doesn\’t need to hold us back from staying motivated in other areas of our life. This article is dedicated to finding and keeping our motivation in all seasons.
Finding and Keeping Your Motivation
Motivation is, quite simply, the reason you do something. You can be motivated because you want a certain outcome or reward. Or you can be motivated by your desire to avoid something unpleasant.
But why is it that sometimes people think that they really want something yet don’t seem to do what it takes to get it? What happened to their “motivation”?
Some of the reasons that people don\’t follow through on their goals are:
Inattention due to ADD/ADHD
Not being clear on what they truly want
If this is going on, how do we kick-start our motivation?
If you have a habit of compartmentalizing, you might draw arbitrary lines in your life or mind. Because of this, you might lose total focus on one area of your life while focusing on the other. If this is an issue for you, it\’s important to do things to bridge the divide. This might look like keeping your goals all in one place where you can see them, creating ways of working and thinking that benefit multiple areas of your life at once, or using a coach to help you keep what\’s important in focus.
On the heels of compartmentalization is denial. We can deny how not taking action effects us or we can deny that we ever made the goal in the first place. One of the ways to deal with denial is to turn up the volume on the feelings associated with not doing what we said we wanted to do. We might ask ourselves: Is it really true that not reaching this goal is fine with me?
Many people with ADHD also struggle with motivation. They get distracted. One thing leads to other things and before you know it you\’re way off track. Often times, you have a difficult time figuring out what foot to put first. Maybe you\’ve gotten so used to getting off track that you just plain give up on getting started. If this the case, ADHD self-help books can be a great resources to help you jump-start your motivation.
If you\’ve ever stopped yourself from doing something or dreaming something because of fear, you know how crippling it can feel. In fact, many of the other contributors to losing your motivation are related to fear. The best thing you can do when you sense your fear is holding you back is to find out why you\’re afraid and then support yourself through the fear.
Sometimes the reason you don’t have motivation to do something is that what you thought you wanted isn’t actually what you want. It can be challenging to know if this is the case, but one of the most surefire ways to figure this out is to work on the other reasons for loss of motivation first. Then, if you still are not feeling motivated, it\’s time to ask yourself if you really want what you set as your goal after all.
Once you\’re motivated, how do you keep your motivation? You can:
Acknowledge your progress
Recognize that undesired results can be part of the process
Evaluate your goals regularly to keep them fresh
Delegate things that crush your motivation
Attend to your emotional state
It\’s easy to lose motivation on big projects – especially ones that don\’t yield immediate results. It\’s important to mark your progress along the way and acknowledge your small successes to keep yourself feeling motivated toward the next phase of your goal.
While I often find negative consequences to be demotivating, they do work to keep people on track sometimes. If there\’s something that you want to avoid, remind yourself that your current actions are leading you away from that.
Like acknowledging your progress each step of the way, giving yourself rewards for accomplishing your goals will help you keep your motivation up.
If you let your goals get stale, your focus and motivation might wander. What seemed like an exciting goal 10 years ago might be of little interest now. Often, the lifespan of a goal is much shorter. Make time to create and evaluate your goals on a regular basis.
If reaching your goal means you have to do a lot of things you really don’t like, it might make sense to delegate out your tasks to people who want to do them rather than trying to muscle through on your own.
And finally, it\’s really important to make sure that you keep up on your personal development. By doing so you clear out backlogs of emotional residue that keep you from moving forward with ease.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 13, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Note from Kate
I make a point of paying attention to anyone who appears graceful under fire. There is so much to learn from people who are able to stay positive in difficult situations. I\’m not talking about people who use positive thinking as a way to skirt or deny difficulty. I\’m talking about people who are able to deeply accept the reality of a difficult situation and make the choice to move in the most positive direction available.
This week I offer a story from my life that gave me serious practice in accepting the reality of a difficult situation and remaining positive in the face of it.
Staying Positive in the Harder Times
One year ago, a former client decided that she did not want to pay after taking my whole program and even writing a positive testimonial. She filed a complaint against me with the licensing board saying that I had coerced her into taking the program.
This was a fantastic act of vengeance. The licensing board does not require those who file a complaint to submit proof of misconduct or payment for the investigation. Once filed, the complaint must be investigated. The person being investigated – also known as the licensee – must then prove their innocence through excessive documentation and often with expensive legal support. Further, the licensee cannot seek repayment because it can be interpreted as retaliation.
A couple weeks ago, the board dismissed the claim. Their investigation proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the complaint was an act of a desperate person trying not to pay. I\’ve finally completed the extensive paperwork that I needed to file to end this investigation and it has made me wonder:
What was it that helped me make it though this challenging experience with relative ease?
It\’s one thing to be positive when everything is going OK. It\’s another thing to keep a positive attitude when the going gets tough.
To be honest, when this complaint was first filed I panicked. I felt like my survival was put in jeopardy. I watched my mind race to find a solution. I got angry. I felt like a victim. I felt guilty. I wanted to hide. I went right into the heart of negativity. My response was so extreme that when I took a step back and observed myself I realized – it\’s REALLY unhealthy to feel like this. I needed to do something. So I asked myself: Kate, what do you really know?
What I know is that it\’s not about what happens in life – it\’s about how you deal with it. And, how you deal with it makes a huge impact on the outcome.
Put It in Perspective
I remember reading this book right before I had my son called “How to Raise Capable People.” In the book, the author said that if no real negative outcome came out of a child’s request, then you should let them do it. So, for example, if your child wants to go outside without a coat, let them. If they eventually get cold, they\’ll put a coat on. This had a profound impact on me. I started looking at situations in my life to see whether a situation truly had a negative impact or if I imagined that the impact would be negative.
When my former client filed a complaint against me, I immediately perceived that my livelihood was threatened. I thought about whether or not this was true and it turns out that it wasn\’t. I had held onto my license for the benefit of a couple clients. Yet, in reality all of my work was outside the medical model. Even if I was found guilty, the licensing board\’s decision would not directly effect my business. Once I put the situation in perspective, I was able to remove a layer of stress and begin to respond proactively.
Assessing Damage
But, what if this hadn\’t been the case. What if the outcome of the investigation had a really horrible impact on some aspect of my life? In this case, I would want an accurate view of the potential consequences so that I could explore what I could do to limit the negative impact. I could even re-frame my thinking to see the positive things that might result from this forced change of direction.
Get Clear
When navigating a difficult situation, the most important thing is to stay in the clearest and truest part of yourself. At its best, personal development work helps you tune into and connect with a deeper part of yourself. In this deeper part, you see things for what they truly are. When we are connected to this part of ourselves we know that even if things are difficult now, everything will ultimately be OK. We\’re able to remember that things that look bad in one light, might actually look good in another light.
This clarity is important because it helps us make the best possible choice in a difficult situation and not react out of fear. When we stay with our clarity, our perspective broadens. In fact, we see our possibilities for solution expand rather than contract.
Practice Compassion and Forgiveness
While I dealt with this issue throughout this year, I went through times where I was angry. However, I knew that indulging my desire to blame would not serve me. In fact, every moment that I spent angry or blaming others kept me embroiled in a situation that was the opposite of what I wanted to create in my life.
Staying positive does a great deal to stop the cycle of harm. The bottom line is that hurt people do hurtful things. We all harbor stories about how other people have wronged us. Yet, a glimpse from their perspective might make their actions more understandable. We can hold onto our stories to insure that we feel in the right. Or we can let go of our stories and offer compassion and forgiveness for those who have wronged us. Ultimately, the latter creates a much happier and more positive life.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jun 8, 2015 | Uncategorized
Trusting yourself is synonymous with confidence. There is confidence in what we do, for example, a skill that we can apply like cooking or speaking French. And, there is confidence in who we are. The latter relies on a deep knowledge of self that allows us to feel secure.
Trusting yourself is founded on being in integrity. The more we act in ways that feel right to us, the more that we act in accordance with our values, the more that we come to trust ourselves.
Think about it this way. If you were your own friend and you constantly lied to you, acted disrespectful, or were unreliable, would you want to keep you as a friend?
Well, it is pretty similar.
Every time that you act in a way that does not have integrity, you respond to that by checking out just a little bit more –from yourself. Pretty soon, what used to feel so good starts to be something you start to avoid. Instead of being the free-spirited person, who does what he or she thinks is right and is full of energy, you become a low energy person who tries to make others happy or other forms of just getting along.
Being in integrity gives us energy and helps us learn to trust ourselves.
Trusting yourself is cultivated through understanding. It is hard to trust what is totally foreign and unknown. It is just not built into our survival programming. We might be OK with it but we do not have a deep sense of trust in what is unknown.
Similarly, when we don’t know ourselves, we don’t trust ourselves and the more familiar we are the more certain we feel about when and how we can step up and when and how we might need to get a bit of support.
When people start engaging in personal development work they sometimes start to see parts of themselves that they did not see before. This often means that they start to trust themselves a little less for a time. However, as time goes by, this grows into a much deeper sense of trust as more things become understandable and sometimes even predictable.
Trusting yourself is supported by self-assessment and acceptance. How trust-worthy are you as a person. When you make a promise to yourself, do you keep it? Do you tell yourself the truth even when it is hard? You will learn to trust yourself more, even if the answer is no, if you ask the questions and are honest about where you stand.
You can always work to be more reliable and trustworthy person. In order to really be able to make an assessment of yourself, you need to have enough self-acceptance to weather the initial inquiry. That means you are willing to “stay on your own side” regardless of what you see in yourself. Otherwise, you simply will not see what you are not wanting to see.
A candid look at yourself can be the beginning of much deeper trust of oneself.
Trusting yourself is a gift. Just as trusting another person is a gift to them. It means that they are worthy of trust. It means that you are worthy of trust. And, what is better than that.
Once you gain your own trust, difficult circumstances become easier to manage, you feel more confident in your choices in relationship, you feel more confident in your career. You know you always have someone to rely on.
Someone who will not let you down.
![\"Dr.](\"http://projectspace.in/work/project/katelive/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/9697438-300x200.jpg\")
by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 23, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I learned after years of working my tail off that if I did not take care of myself one of two things was going to happen. Either I was going to lose my health or I was going to lose in terms of my results. Self-care became my battle cry where as before I would sneer a little bit at people that talked about self-care thinking “How bourgeois!” Little did I know that I would be biting my tongue!
Not only did I learn the merits of self-care but I also learned that it was not as easy to get and keep on track with as I thought. In other words, the biggest tip for being your personal best is: Self Care, Self Care, Self Care!
Self Care is an investment in our personal resources. Whether what you demand of yourself is large or small you need to take care of your most important tool – you. Here are a list of 10 self care tools that you can use to be your personal best:
- Move your body/ Feed your body. Both movement and nutrition in balance create optimal self care. Learn to lovingly and joyfully move your body. Dance, do yoga, stretch, walk or even exercise. Feed yourself everything that your body needs to be healthy. If you are not sure what this is start by drinking more water and eating more greens.
- Take time in nature and with animals. Both of these experiences have a wonderful effect on us. It helps us destress and relax. If you can’t get out in nature, go to a local park, or get a plant (or two or three!). As far as spending time with animals, their playful and loving ways are a particularly healing form of self care. While there is little substitute for the real thing, you can always supplement with some photos or videos.
- Unplug and watch less TV. We are wired 24/7 these days. We go to sleep and wake up with our first things being smartphones and TV’s. If you have not already adopted a technology diet, putting one in place can have a fabulous effect on you.
- Be less negative and be around negative people less. It takes two to tango and if you are negative then chances are the people you are around are too and vice versa. Take some time to work on yourself first. Change the way you think and speak and then start making choices to be around people who reflect that.
- Let go of grudges. Nothing pulls you down more than uncleared anger and resentment towards others. The only person you are hurting with your negative thinking is you. People can be short-sighted and make mistakes but holding on to the mistakes is the biggest one of all.
- Spend time with awesome friends. Spending time with people you love and especially doing fun activities and laughing is a wonderful way to relax and connect – two important elements of self care.
- Mental Hygiene. Obsessive thinking and worry are so commonplace that people think they are normal. While common for sure, these are not healthy patterns. Learn to stop yourself when you are on a tear. Simply say “Stop” and focus your mind on something more pleasant or productive.
- Make A Difference. Being of Service in the world is a powerful way to feel better. It gives us a sense of meaning and we get the benefit of making other people happy. Take a weekend to volunteer at a food bank, Habitat for Humanity or any other cause that calls to you. Put some good energy in the world.
- Emotional Hygiene Sometimes you just need to clean the pipes. If you have a lot of built up emotion or if you have been dealing with a lot of stress, the best self care might be throwing a fit. Lie down on your bed and kick and hit with your arms and legs. Scream if it feels right. It may sound silly but after you will feel like a million bucks.
- Gratitude Nothing changes your attitude like gratitude. Take a moment every day to write or state at least three things that you are grateful for. So many of us have so much to be thankful for. Remember this is a form of self care.
What are some ways that you care for yourself? Please share below!
by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 19, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
The day that I reached the 300k mark in my business I didn’t feel happy. I had been frequently attending fancy events staying in fancy hotels –you know the kind with really large water features, perfect gardens, and extremely polite staff –the kind who say “can I do anything else for you miss” right after they have done anything for you. I had a book published. People were seeking me out for my expertise daily. I was on my way to the big time!
I did not feel happy because it was not in alignment with who I am. I love healthy organic food, funky boutique hotels, intimate and powerful events. I love things that feed my soul not just my wallet. I am in business so that I can go to a balmy tropical island in the winter and feel the sand on my bare toes, so that I can continue to learn what is going on on the cutting edge of my field. I am in business so that I can create quality. I truly believe that business can have the power to change the world and what is more, I know some key things that entrepreneurs like you are missing when it comes to creating your very own business.
I was not paying attention the way I needed to be. I was too busy doing. The answer to fix this problem is coming back into alignment.
Alignment is when who you are and what you are about is unobstructed by thoughts, emotions or experiences. A simple way to say it is: You are thinking, feeling and doing what is right for you. Not right based on what your ego might want but right for you from the place deep inside –the deepest truest part of who you are.
A definition of alignment is a position of agreement or alliance.
It is also possible to describe alignment by the saying that the inner and outer are in agreement. They are mutually supportive. One of the ways that we can tell if there is alignment is through the experience of resonance.
While resonance can be used to direct ourselves in other ways, it can help us now if we are on the right track by giving us that feeling of “home” or “rightness.”
In physics, resonance is “A phenomenon that consists of a given system being driven by another vibrating system or by external forces to oscillate with greater amplitude at some preferential frequencies.”
Again, another way to put this is that when you are in the presence of something or someone that is resonant there is an effect that happens. Something on the outside of you resounds with something on the inside of you letting you know that there is an agreeable relationship.
You can use this experience to help you make choices in all parts of our life.
Here is the trick. Often, we do not have contact with the deepest and truest part of ourselves and so we need to develop that as well. Here are some ways to listen to what is truly important about who you are and what you are desiring:
- Meditate: Learn to see your mental and emotional chatter as simply that and not who you are.
- Pay attention: to what it feels like to be in an environment that you at least guess is ideal for you.
- Know with more than your mind. Your heart and your gut are great resources for staying on track.
- Watch what happens: Be an observer of your life. You will learn a ton!
As with most consciousness skills, observation is the starting point. They require that you pay attention to what is often overlooked. Slowing things down or taking pauses throughout your day can help immensely when growing these skills. And these skills can help immensely in growing a more successful and fulfilled life.
Like this topic? Join me for more on alignment and resonance on this weeks Real Answers Radio. The show is live and I would love for you to call in with your thoughts and questions!
by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 8, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I am not on top of the latest and greatest news the way that some people seem to be. I have a tendency to get things a little later than hot off the presses. However, I happened to watch the Bruce Jenner interview pretty much as soon as it was available. It was a fluke really. While I am very concerned with equality for and understanding of all types of issues especially those related to gender, I was relatively oblivious to all of the press. Yup, that is the truth. I don’t watch reality TV and my consumption of media is low.
The night of this interview I was looking for a something to watch on Hulu and I stumbled on this interview. After watching 10 minutes of it, I knew I needed to bring it to my coaching training program, which was having an intensive the next day. There was so much in that interview that made for rich discussion when working with people. But, what struck me more than anything was that it reminded me that people –all of us—struggle with knowing and being our full selves and that this challenge causes us so much pain.
We can’t be happy if we do not truly accept ourselves. But, what does true self-acceptance look like? Let me see if I can put it into some more concrete terms.
You are either OK with who you are or you are not. You are either on your own side or you are not. And, what this feels like, when you accept yourself, could almost be described as weightlessness.
If you wonder whether you accept yourself ask yourself these questions:
- Am I at peace with all my decisions?
- Do I love myself –even the not-so-great parts?
- When faced with information that supports a less than noble view of myself can I love myself and also challenge myself to be more?
- When in a disagreement, can I respect my own view while respecting the other person’s view?
- Do I know that no matter what I discover about myself that I am good?
If you answer “no” or are not certain, try some exercises taken from my book Real Answers to help you work on fully accepting yourself:
Powerful questions: With these next statements, you have the opportunity to become more aware of any areas of your life where it will benefit you to come to terms, as well as what you might be afraid of.
Complete these statements about yourself:
- One thing I have a difficult time accepting about my life, but deep down know is true, is:
- Some of the things I feel I need to accept about my life that may be difficult to accept are:
- The reason I know these things are difficult to accept is:
- I will know that I have fully accepted these things about my life when:
- This stops me from accepting these things about my life:
- I would accept these things about my life if only:
- I am afraid that, if I accept these things about my life, then:
- What I need to do to accept these things about my life is:
Speak your truth: One of the ways we can move into a deeper level of acceptance is to speak the truth about our lives, making it more real. This increased sense of reality just naturally works to increase our acceptance of what was. For example, I have an event in my life where I had a fight with a close friend of mine. After this fight, I begin to slip into some story around it. For example, my friend was really unfair or my friend overreacted. You can see that these are judgments, and as I was mentioning before, judgments are about the mask. If, instead, I am able to state the data about what happened, this is the actual sensory information. In other words, “What I saw was …,” “What I felt was …,” “What I experienced was …” If I am able to break down the information as truthfully as possible, I will begin to see the situation for what it is.
Talk to someone who was there: This is why personal growth groups and therapy groups work really well. If someone has gone through a similar experience―or, as is the case sometimes with family members, the same experience―sharing that experience with someone who can understand helps us accept that experience. We come to know that this is what truly happened and these are the effects it had. As I was saying earlier in this book, when people go through a trauma, they often minimize the effects or don’t recognize the effects. They do not see that what happened to them directly affects their life. For example, that their depression is related to the trauma or that their angry outbursts are related to the trauma. It is education, which allows us to see all these experiences connect inside of us―how we live them out. This is another example of how we can use acceptance to help with our awareness.
Bringing acceptance into your personal experience will radically change the way you approach almost every aspect of your life and ultimately will bring a lot of benefit to the world.
Like this topic and want to learn more? Join me for Real Answers Radio this Thursday, May 14th at 12pm EST. Real Answers airs live and your questions are always welcome! Tune in here
by Dr. Heléna Kate | May 4, 2015 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
You have probably heard me say this a bunch by now but your life is what you make it. If it is lacking passion then, it is your job to bring it back. Sometimes, this requires a mental shift. Sometimes, this requires taking action to create more of what we want in our external life. A little of both can go a long way.
Recognize that passion wears different faces:
Pay attention to what a passionate life really means to you. Maybe it looks different in different parts of your life. Maybe passion at work looks different than passion with your lover, or passion about a topic. How do you know you are passionately engaged with each aspect of your life? Write it out so that you can clearly see when things are what you want them to be.
Be vulnerable:
It is hard to feel passionate when we are under lock and key. If we are afraid to be vulnerable, we lose out on feeling connected to ourselves and really known by another person. Sometimes, showing love and showing joy can be as vulnerable or even more than when we need to show weakness. Are there places where you have a hard time being vulnerable? How can you open up those parts of your life?
Clean up your messes:
Baggage weighs us down and holds us back. When we live with a lot of unresolved stuff it stops us from being present and passionate in our lives. What grudges are you holding onto? What pain from your past is it time to let go of? Find a way to clear your past so that you can be in the present.
Let go of limiting beliefs about what is fun and what is not:
Work is not fun. Vacation is fun. Even if we don’t totally buy into that idea the vestiges of it –like I was mentioning in my note- are there nonetheless. If we think more about an attitude of passion or joy instead of an experience giving it to us then we might be a lot happier. What does an attitude of passion or joy mean to you? How can you cultivate it?
Express your anger:
Anger and passion are on the same continuum. If you have totally shut down your anger, it will be very hard to experience a passionate life. This does not mean that you should be ranting and raving all the time. It just means that if you tend to say that you “never get angry”, you might want to take a look if what you are really saying is you don’t let yourself feel angry or that you are actually being apathetic.
Make time for it:
Everything important deserves its time. If you want more of something in your life, make a point of scheduling time to bring more of it in. Just by answering these questions and making some quick changes you will see a passion infusion in your life.
How long has it been since you leaped out of bed and excitedly entered your new day? Have you stopped thinking that was even possible? Being passionately connected to our lives is possible and here are some practical ways to do it. Join Dr. Kate along with special guest Sexual Empowerment expert and thought leader, Amy Jo Goddard as they discuss ways bring passion to every area of how you live on this weeks Real Answers Radio.
![\"Dr.](\"http://projectspace.in/work/project/katelive/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/9697438.jpg\")
