by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 5, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Why are close, loving relationships so crucial to our well-being and happiness? Relationships create psychological space and safety so that we can explore and learn. When we feel safe and supported, we don’t have to narrow in on survival tasks like responding to danger or finding our next meal. We are able to explore our world, which builds resources for times of stress and adversity.
Belonging to a group or community gives us a sense of identity. It helps us understand who we are and feel part of something larger than ourselves. Researchers also find that people with strong social connections have less stress-related health problems, lower risk of mental illness, and faster recovery from trauma or illness. Friends and family can also encourage and support us in healthy lifestyle habits, such as exercise and moderation.
Researchers have found that people are happier when they are with other people than when they are alone—and the “boost” is the same for introverts and extroverts. They also are finding that happy people are more pleasant, helpful, and sociable. So being around people makes us feel happier, and when we are happier we are more fun to be around, creating an “upward spiral” of happiness.
Happiness may be surprisingly contagious. Psychologist James H. Fowler studied the data of 5,000 people over 20 years and found that happiness benefits other people through three degrees of connection, and that the effects last for a year. He says: “We found a statistical relationship not just between your happiness and your friends\’ happiness, but between your happiness and your friends’ friends’ friends’ happiness.”
The positive effects from connecting with others are lasting. Scientists have observed what they call “hedonic adaption”: our tendency to quickly adapt to our changing circumstances. This is why people who win the lottery, for instance, usually find themselves at the same level of happiness they had before they won. Close relationships, however, may be an exception. In contrast to material goods, we are more likely to continue to want our close relationships, even after we attain them, and to continue to derive positive emotions from them.
reblogged from pbs.org. Read the entire article here.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 3, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
You might notice that as you begin to change your life, you will see changes in your relationships. Sometimes, unfortunately, change means some relationships will need to fall away, but the ones that do not – or the new ones – will likely get deeper and more fulfilling. For those who have not had the joy of being in a fulfilling relationship, I will spend a bit of time describing some of what you might look to foster in your relationships.
Of course, you are the final judge of what truly makes you happy and fulfilled in a relationship, but these might offer some useful signposts.
Open communication: Knowing what you think and feel and being willing to share it.
Trust: Behaving in a way that is trustworthy, fostering trust and being more trusting.
Respect: Understanding that the other person is an individual and should not be criticized for not being like you or any other person.
Love:I like the expression, \”Love is a verb.\” Healthy relationships seek to continually work to foster love through behavior.
Integrity: The understanding that each person has his or her won path and it is not loving to take them off their path.
Partnership: The desire to share life – its struggles and its joys.
excerpt from Life Fulfillment Formula: 120 Ways to Activate Your Potential (more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Sep 1, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
It can seem like we need to either be powerful and confident or we need to be humble, but this is not really the case. We can be both. Unfortunately, most people do not pull it off.
When power and humility are in conflict within ourselves, that means we are in our ego self. Our ego self requires us to equate power with worthiness — those who are exhibiting strength are better than those who are exhibiting humility. When power and humility are in balance, though, our power is truth and love; our humility is wisdom and compassion.
So, how do we get humility and power to work together? We need to connect to our core self instead of our ego self.
When we are in the ego part of the self, it is almost like living one track of a multiple-track recording. In the ego, we think we need to be a certain way in order to be loved, accepted, and safe. We can get kind of caught up in this and even start to think that this is all there is of us. It is normal to be caught up in this in adolescence and early adulthood, but we often get caught in this part of ourselves for longer. When we realize that the ego is just a part of us — and not our entire self — our view of the world and ourselves changes profoundly.
One of the most important things to do when working with the ego is to confront it — question its self-definition as our truth. Some of the things we can ask ourselves about our ego in order to help confront it are:
What am I trying to protect?
What is it I feel I need to convince people of?
What is it I most want people to see and believe about me?
After a while of observing this ego, we get more in contact with our core self — our higher self, the truest part of who we are. When we live from this part of our self, balancing humility and power is a non-issue. They are both present.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 29, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Having effective communication skills is imperative for your success. Positive communication will certainly increase the opportunities you find in your career and business. Having good communication skills will enable you to get ahead in certain areas where others who are less assertive may not succeed. A few things to keep your eyes on while practicing the fine art of communication are:
Body Language
Do not shy away from the person with whom you are speaking. Be sure to maintain a relaxed, but not slouching posture, regardless whether you are the one speaking or listening. Other things that ensure your body is communicating your attentiveness to the conversation can include:
Making eye contact.
Nodding occasionally to acknowledge a strong point in the conversation.
Standing with hands clasped in front of you, never crossing your arms.
Not displaying nervous ticks such as wringing hands, picking at your nails, or anything that the person communicating with you will view as a distraction from their conversation.
Speech and Attentiveness
When speaking, you need to be clear and concise. Speak on important matters directly and do not waste time with long drawn out stories that will cause your listener’s mind to wander. Make sure you ask whether they understand, and be willing to further explain any of your points. Do not expect someone to just “know” what you are saying, even if it is crystal clear in your own mind. In addition, one of the most important aspects of verbal communication is the ability to practice active listening. This is not just actively waiting to talk. Always make mental notes of key points when someone is speaking to you. That way once you are given a chance to speak, you can respond to the most vital issues being dealt with. When others are speaking, try to think about the exact words that they are saying. If you practice this, you will comprehend and contain 75 percent more of the information that you hear.
Communication Consistency
Maybe your weakness is in the quality or quantity with which you communicate to your employees. Communication seems to have dwindled to superficial small talk. Great communicators practice the ability of consistent communication by remaining available. Do not be afraid to be the one who voices any concerns or difficulties. However, ensure that you are practicing open and honest communication with those who may depend on you. Be available and bold with tact. Be sure to leave communication lines open to those who may need to address problems with you. You will find that you prevent the small issues that normally have the habit of becoming large ones by making those in your life aware that you are open to discussing issues at any time.
Patience
During your communications with others always give them time to communicate their issues as well. Remaining focused on what they are trying to communicate will show them that you are indeed open to assisting with their issues. Many of people’s communication lines tend to break down on the side where impatience is in a rush to get out of the conversation. Since you cannot control the other side, do yourself a favor and take a breath. The conversation you’re involved in is important.
If you are confused as to what someone may be requesting, than repeat back to him or her what you think they said and ask if that is correct. Often this will inspire the speaker to be more in-depth about their needs, which will help you to understand them fully.
Practicing Effective Communication Skills
If someone has communicated a need or an issue to you, then your main priority should be to aid him or her in repairing the problem. Following up on an issue is the only way to convince others whom you need to communicate with that you have listened to them and that their problems or issues are important to you as well.
Practicing strong follow-up will also leave the impression that you are involved in the bigger picture. When people see this commitment, they will know you are open to future communications. This creates a loyal and discerning surrounding that cultivates positive movement and communication. This will develop a strong sense of confidence in those with whom you communicate.
Looking for more ways to improve your ability to connect your peers, employees or partner? Attend Dr. Kate\’s LifeWork: Love & Money Retreat! (more…)
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Aug 26, 2013 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Humanistic psychologists (I identify myself as one) are fond of talking about authenticity. Mention the words \”genuine,\” \”real,\” or \”deep\” and you\’ll see our faces light up. I ran a therapy group not so long ago and during the last session a few of the participants teased me about my oft-repeated catch-phrase: \”Keep it real and go deep.\”
But before I continue, let me define some of the terms I\’m using here. Humanistic therapy refers to a strengths-focused approach (as opposed to a pathology-based one) that aims to increase a client\’s awareness of subjective meaning, enhance personal growth, and encourage a genuine and trusting relationship. In other words, instead of emphasizing what\’s wrong with a client, a humanistic psychologist tries to understand and empower the client\’s full sense of self. Psychological maladies (e.g. depression, anxiety) are seen as symptoms of a lack of congruence or authenticity in a person\’s life.
Authenticity is a little trickier to define. In a way, we all know what it means, but how do you conceptualize it psychologically? To the humanistic crowd, being authentic means that I\’m aware of how I\’m really feeling and that I can communicate that to myself and others, if I choose to. So, as a therapist, if I\’m in a session with a client and I find myself feeling sad when I hear my client tell a story, I want to stay connected to that feeling. I want to stay present with my client, with the story, with how the client is feeling, and with the thoughts and emotions that I\’m experiencing in the moment. In that way I\’m bringing the full me, my real self, into the room (instead of aiming to remain a detached expert who only thinks intellectually). A long time ago I got to observe a therapist who was conducting an intake with a new client. The therapist looked at her clipboard, read out questions, and took notes. It was a rather formal/standard procedure, but as the client answered the questions, she started tearing up and soon began crying. The therapist stopped the questioning, looked up, and quizzingly asked the client, \”What\’s the deal with the tears?\” So that\’s an example of not being authentic. (And I was disturbed seeing that interaction take place. I found it very difficult keeping quiet, but my role was very clearly laid out: to be a silent observer. In that scenario I didn\’t get to communicate as authentically as I wished…)
So humanistic psychologists have been preaching the value of being authentic for decades. As a therapist, it\’s not just about being authentic myself, one of my goals is to work with my clients to form an authentic and meaningful relationship and assist them in developing an authentic sense of their own selves. If my client shares something that comes across to me as deep and real, but if the client seems somehow disconnected or not fully giving themselves credit, I\’ll say something. I might say, \”You know, that was such a meaningful and powerful thing for me to hear, and I feel like I got a real sense of you as a person, but my sense is that you\’re not experiencing it fully, or that you don\’t realize the full power of what you just said.\”
It\’s not that humanistic psychologists are the only ones who value authenticity. There are many therapists from other theoretical fields who value it strongly. But for the humanistic camp it\’s one of our defining elements: being humanistic means valuing and encouraging authenticity both in ourselves and in our clients.
Authenticity sounds nice, but mainstream science sometimes pooh-poohs on its relevance. If I decide, hypothetically speaking, to apply for an NIH research grant and I use the terms \”going deep,\” \”keeping it real,\” or \”being authentic,\” I\’m not very likely to be taken seriously or receive any funding. And you hear many modern-day psychologists say, \”Well, of course you want to be authentic, but there\’s a lot more to therapy.\” There\’s a sense out there that the authentic stuff is not much more than a touchy-feely sort of concept with not much meat.
Humanistic psychologists will tell you that authenticity is a tremendously important factor. That it\’s a huge element in the process of healing. It\’s not just a prerequisite, it\’s one of the chief goals of therapy. And as a client becomes more and more authentic, they become happier and their psychological well being increases.
Fortunately for us humanistic folks, it turns out that the empirical data lends support to the authenticity hypothesis. Just last month, a small group of psychologists from England published a study in the prestigious Journal of Counseling Psychology. The study empirically examined the effect of authenticity on people\’s lives. The researchers (Alex Wood, et al) asked people from different walks of life about the their authentic qualities: self-awareness, communication style, and openness to others\’ feedback. These authentic measures appeared solid (e.g. they did not correlate with any other likely confounds like the Big 5 Personality traits or social pleasing). But what was really amazing was that the researchers found that that, in general, the more a person acted authentically, the more likely he or she were to be happy and experience subjective and psychological well-being. These results might appear self-evident from a humanistic perspective, but there\’s a lot more there than meets the eye. The researchers shed light on an area of study that has been empirically neglected. Being authentic is not just a nice-sounding catch phrase. It\’s an important part of personal growth that carries beneficial values. It might be simple, but it\’s also profound.
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