by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 22, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I have worked with thousands of coaching clients over the years. Together, they have given us incredible insight into what the average human being needs to do to go from “loathing” to “loving” their life. And, of course, we’ve successfully helped the vast majority of them gradually get from point A to point B.
What most of these people never suspected is that they would have to learn how to do lots of little things differently. Because the truth is, there are specific disciplines and ways of seeing the world that we all have to master before we can awaken to a simpler, happier, more fulfilling life – a life worth loving. And that’s precisely what this post is all about.
No matter what part of life’s path you’re traveling on, the list below will always be applicable. These are simple, positive habits that thousands of people who have learned to love their lives, now live by. Here’s what they do differently…
- They flow with life, not against it. – When everything in life seems to be going wrong, mostly it’s meant to go wrong so that you may outgrow the things you need to outgrow. Keep this in mind. Life may wreck your plans when your plans are about to wreck you. For everything you’ve lost, you’ve gained something else. You don’t have to accept it; it’s just easier if you do. When you try to control too much, you enjoy too little. Sometimes you simply need to take a deep breath and appreciate what is.
- They let go of self-defeating thoughts. – Breath by breath, let go of fear, expectation, anger, regret and frustration. Let go of the need for approval too. You don’t need any of it. The world is as we are inside. What we think, we see, and we ultimately become. So choose your thoughts wisely. Think how you want to live.
- They prove themselves to themselves, not others. – If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone else, you’ve already forgotten your value. Don’t do this to yourself.
- They believe in the possibilities ahead. – You are a victim of the beliefs you live by. And a belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses, it is an idea that possesses the mind. So believe in yourself. Believe in your capacity to succeed. Believe that there are many roads to what’s right. Believe in your intuition, especially when you have to choose between two good paths. Believe that the answers are out there waiting. Believe that life will surprise you again and again. Believe that the journey is the destination. Believe that it’s all worth your while.
- They find the positive in every situation. – The most underrated trait of all successful people I’ve ever met: Positivity. Your attitude directly determines how well you live your life.
- They appreciate what they have. – Every now and then it’s good to pause in your pursuit of happiness, look around, and simply be happy for what you already have in your life.
- They nurture their own inner peace. – In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you. Take a few deep breaths, a relaxing walk, or a moment to meditate. When you find peace within, you who can live at peace in any situation.
- They find the courage to be real. – It takes courage to grow up, grow wiser, and turn out to be who you really are. Find the courage to own your story. To speak your truth. To ask for what you need. To set boundaries. And to reach out for love and support when you need it.
- They maintain high personal standards based on strong values. – Goals are important but they are temporary. Values on the other hand are forever. Raise your standards by taking a values-driven, not just a goal-focused, approach to life.
- They walk the talk and always set a great example. – Be the change you want to see. Give what you expect, reflect what you desire, become what you respect, and mirror what you admire.
- They help themselves by helping others. – We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever; the goal is to create something that will… an idea or gesture that helps others live better. Strong people stand up for themselves; stronger people stand up for others too. Remember this next time you feel like flexing your muscles.
- They use self-reflection as a tool to keep things in perspective. – Never forget where you’ve been, lose sight of where you’re going, or take for granted the people who travel the journey with you.
- They make their important relationships a daily priority. – An incredible thing happens when you pay close attention. It’s by participating more in your relationships that you breathe life into them.
- They accept that not all relationships are meant to last. – This is a harsh truth. And what we do with our pain is nearly everything. To punish people for not loving us is a heartbreaking, broken sort of justice. It just doesn’t work out for anyone. So let the wrong ones go, willingly. Ultimately, you will meet two kinds of people in life: those who build you up and those who tear you down. In the end, though, you will thank them both. Because the wrong relationships eventually lead to the right ones.
- They leave the past behind. – Don’t let the past steal your present. Your past has not defined, deterred, or defeated you. It has only strengthened who you are today. Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask yourself if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.
- They make every day count. – What you do daily matters more than what you do every once in awhile. Your life will not improve unless you start making daily improvements. It’s not about being the smartest, it’s about making the smartest decision. It’s not about being right, it’s about doing the right things.
- They do the work. – The near-term cost of discipline is always less than the long-term cost of lack of discipline. At some point you have to stop wishing for it and start working for it.
- They focus on effectiveness, not busyness. – The great paradox of our time is that many of us are busy and bored at the same time. Busyness and effectiveness are two different things.
- They get uncomfortable. – You can’t learn, grow and succeed until you get comfortable with being uncomfortable. The best wins in life often come only after you dare to lose.
- They break-up their routines to seek new insight. – You will often see what is wrong when you are doing it right. But you will rarely see what is right when you are comfortably in the routine of doing it wrong. If you want a new tomorrow, then make new choices today. Mix it up! Sometimes a break from your routine is the very thing you need.
- They take action in spite of their fears. – Dreading is often far worse than just doing the thing. Dread rehearses a scenario over and over without progress and success ever showing up. So just do it already! Stand strong. Do what you fear, and fear disappears. Let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions speak louder than your words.
- They use change as an opportunity to grow. – Life is change, but growth is optional. Choose wisely. To be a success in life you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to remain perfectly capable of improving. Let your mistakes, and life’s twists and turns, strengthen you. Growth and change may be painful sometimes, but nothing in life is as painful as staying stuck where you don’t belong.
- They always give themselves another chance. – Sometimes the bad things that happen in your life put you on a direct path to the best possible things that could ever happen to you. You just have to give yourself another chance to get there.
Afterthoughts
Do the best you can to smile. Be so busy loving your life and the people in it that you have no time left for hate, regret or unnecessary stress. In the end, loving your life is about trusting your intuition, taking chances, losing and finding happiness, cherishing the memories, and learning through experience. It’s a long-term journey. You have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting every step of the way.
Laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds – struggles and all. You might not end up exactly where you intended to go, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be.
reblogged from Marc and Angel Hack Life.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 20, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
You know what people have been telling me my entire life? That I need to hide my intelligence. I started hearing this when I was in third grade. Ironically, this is when my learning disabilities started to manifest so while I certainly wasn\’t feeling too intelligent , I would none-the-less hear things like “Don’t use such big words.”
As I got older it continued. While I struggled with time, dyslexia and spelling I was simultaneously told that I should dumb it down my ideas.
I didn’t know how to dumb it down because I didn’t understand how I made it smart.
When I started growing my business, I heard it all again. In fact, I still hear it! And, I did have a lot to learn about getting my message out there. That was the whole reason I went to school – so that I could clearly speak to people in a way that would help change lives and the world for the better. So, believe me I listened!
After I learned a lot about what I was doing to get in my own way, I arrived at a simple truth as a result of hearing what my clients said week after week. THEY LIKED THAT I WAS SMART!!! For them, my intelligence was why many of them were working with me.
So, what did I learn from this that I think might benefit you?
A few simple things:
We often have to leave behind what we know to learn enough to come back and use it in a new way.
NEVER, EVER, accept someone telling you that one of your gifts is something you should hide.
Listen to all feedback that you get to help you become MORE of who you are rather than less.
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 17, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Ditch the guilt and self-blame—and change the conversation about work and life, says the author of MAXED OUT. A new dialogue starts here…
Q: Most working moms feel maxed out. Yet we rarely say more than, “I’m tired” or “What a week!” What are we NOT saying to our friends, family, each other?
A: I hear from a lot of women who say they have the life they always wanted (kids, career) . . . and it’s killing them. They feel like they’re always letting people down, like it’s somehow their fault that they can’t be all things to all people.
My message to them is: You’re not alone, and it’s not your fault.
Society and the workplace have not caught up to the fact that most mothers today are in the workforce. We’re expected to give 100% to our jobs, and then somehow simultaneously give 100% to our families. But of course, we can’t. No one can. We can’t be in two places at once, and we only have so much energy.
Where to start?
The cold economic reality is that most families need two incomes today just to live a basic middle class life. About 70% of American kids are growing up in households where all adults work.
So parents today are doing double duty, trying to work full time and somehow take care of all the things parents do—take kids to the doctor, do the parent-teacher conferences, show up for the play, etc. Yet schools still get out at 3pm (or earlier) and take summers off. Parents are lucky if they get two weeks of vacation a year. These things are incompatible. So it’s vital to recognize the flaw in the way our roles as working parents have evolved—while schools and most employers have not—and begin to communicate more about those realities, not getting stuck repeating messages of self-blame and guilt.
Q: How can we change the way we talk about the overwhelm so that people will listen and respond?
A: We have to stop treating this overwork issue as a personal choice—something we’re doing to ourselves—and communicate that it’s a societal problem. It’s a public health problem. Companies are burning out their workers, and it’s costing them hundreds of billions of dollars in lost productivity. So it’s even a business problem.
When we see the problem for what it is, that’s when we’ll get serious about solving it. We need better government policies (like paid parental leave), true. But there’s a lot we can do in the workplace, too, that would address this issue. By having forthright discussions about the competing demands of modern life, we can change the conversation around flexible schedules, telecommuting, job shares, and other changes in work culture.
Rather than being apologetic, it’s reasonable to request policies that empower employees to get their work done when and how they can best do it. These are the kinds of things we should be talking about.
Q. How do can women talk about these problems in a new way, so the conversation shifts from “What I’m doing wrong” to “Let’s improve the situation for everyone”?
A: The most lasting way to change the conversation is to change our actions, to show that we really are all in this together. At the end of my book, I list 10 things each of us can do to address this “maxed out” problem, here are a few:
1. Practice saying no—Working moms have to find ways to say no. It’s not about letting other people down; saying no to others is about saying yes to yourself.
2. Tell your partner what you need—Communicate with your partner about how to make your roles as egalitarian as possible (and see #1 above!).
3. Be an ally to other women—We’ve all felt judged at one time or another about our choices as mothers. Remember the cultural and institutional forces that make working and parenting difficult, and cut other women slack.
4. Sign up for MomsRising—10 percent of the proceeds of Maxed Out will be donated to this leading advocacy organization for moms and the people who love them. They lobby for parental leave, flexible work, other policies that improve the lives of families.
5. Let your HR manager know about ROWE—A management strategy gaining traction in corporate America, Results-Only Work Environments (ROWE) emphasizes employee results over traditional measures like the number of hours worked. Companies are finding that it actually saves them money and boosts productivity.
by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 15, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
I am often surprised how few of my clients are clear when it comes to the difference between goals and vision. Below is an except from David Neagle\’s blog where he clarifies the issue:
\”A vision is a clear picture of what you’d like for your life or business.
When I was just starting out, my vision was pretty simple. I could only see a few things.
I wanted a boat and I wanted to buy property in Central Wisconsin for when I retired.
Some people have grander visions like a house in Italy or speaking on huge stages.
The key piece with a vision is that it is not about anyone else. It’s what you want for you; and it maybe hidden in your secret thoughts that you’ve never told anyone about.
A goal is a step toward that big vision.
It’s something you need to do that will take you closer to realizing your vision.
My vision was to buy a boat, so I set a goal for myself to double my income.
By increasing my income, I would be closer to having the ability to buy that boat.
Think of goals as the rungs of a ladder that leads to your vision at the top.
Keep in mind that as you take steps toward your vision, it may begin to change.
As your vision changes continue setting goals to take you closer to that vision, and when you see opportunities, always ask yourself: Is this taking me closer to my vision or further away?
Let your vision be your guide.\”
This periodic reassessment of vision is key. As you may know I am making some changes in my business and these come from a refocusing of my vision
When is the last time you gave your vision and update? I suggest you take an hour to walk, journal or do anything that gets you in a calm meditative space. Focus in on what You want for You. If your vision is in need of updating, you may have some surprises!
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by Dr. Heléna Kate | Jul 13, 2014 | Dr. Heléna Kate's Blog
Donald Trump has failed as many times as he has succeeded and ultimately he has succeeded, at least financially.
While I cannot claim to be enamored with his personality (or his hair) I think he illustrates a very powerful point: Your life and your work depend on you being willing to take risks.
You have very likely heard the expression bold action gets bold results. And, well, it does.
So, if it does, then what scares us so much? The plain fact is that the results of our bold action are bold for sure but not always positive. A certain amount of the time we are going to fail. If it was a guarantee, then it would not be a risk, right?
Somewhere along the way many of us learned that failing was bad. Maybe it is our grading system. Where else in the course of life is the goal 100%? For example, what if in soccer players got 100% of the goals? We don’t even consider this. Under these conditions getting a CHANCE at the goal is seen as an accomplishment.
Embracing failure as a likely outcome and being willing to learn from it and make adjustments is the cornerstone of success. Perhaps this is why so many successful entrepreneurs were C students!
Ok, so if you are convinced now that taking risks and even failing might be in your best interest then how do you get yourself to take action when you are on the edge and gearing up to take that major leap to create the life, love or work that you really want?
In the book that I am currently writing a book called \”Apathy is Noxious\”, where I talk about this very subject. One approach to move out of inertia you need to intensify the discomfort of staying the way that you are.
Another approach is to adjust your perception of what “good” results are. What if instead of success and failure you looked at the outcome of your bold action as valuable information that is letting you know how to make your next bold move?
*A footnote for those of you who leap before you look. LOOK. Taking risks requires reviewing the situation and taking educated risks.
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